Day 21 No Contact - really struggling!

[Sar112]

We had a messy break up 2 months ago. He suffers badly with anxiety and has commitment issues - telling me that he still loves me but that the 'strength' of my love for him was too much for him to bare incase he let me down further down the line. I have know him for ten years and spent 5 of these together.

 

For 4/5 weeks I talked to him intermittently (always me making first contact) hoping he would change his mind. Mid November he went away for a 'boys' weekend and whilst there got his friend to send some pics/videos to me of them all hanging out messing around - nothing upsetting. It was as though he wanted to share the experience but wouldn't get in contact with me himself to do so...

 

When he arrived home I rang him and for the first time since the break up he rang back and we spoke civilly. He suggested we meet for a drink the week after - however, I told him I was only interested in doing this if he wanted to talk about a reconciliation. I told him to take some time to think.

 

A few days later his best friend told me that he had told him he was planning on meeting me the week after - great I thought - progress! However that night my ex text my best friend telling her he liked her... sounds bad but after some digging, I find out that he did this to and I quote 'be spiteful' as he knew his best friend and I had been talking too (platonically I hasten to add). Does this just mean he was jealous? And if so, surely that is a good sign?

 

Either way he didn't want to meet after that and told me to leave him alone for a while. He kept saying things like 'you say you're independent from me now, so prove it' and 'can't you see - every text/call you send me just makes me think I've made the right decision'. Ultimately it seems like it's a test to see if I'm capable of being without him. I'm just scared now, with being on day 21 NC, that he will find someone new soon even if it is just a rebound/someone to fill the void. I'm scared he will think I no longer care and am moving on.

 

His decision to break up came so out of the blue - we were talking about kids names literally two days before and he was telling me 'I hope you know how much I love you' etc...

 

I would just appreciate some advice because I'm scared I've lost him for good and though NC is supposed to help heal (I thought it was over the first couple of weeks), this third week (over Christmas) has been the toughest yet. I almost feel as though I might be spiralling into the depths of something more than just sadness.

 

Do I carry on as normal, whilst avoiding all that he is 'up to' and hope that he realises his mistake? And if not... how is it that I start to move on? He has spent such a long time telling me that I am the love of his life, even when we weren't together for a while. And so it's hard to believe that we're not 'soulmates' and that this isn't just another side effect of the severe anxiety he suffers from... or maybe that's just me making excuses for him again.

[greenleaves54]

Break-ups often happen out of the blue. It rarely makes much sense.

 

I think it's likely that he felt 'safe' with you and was tempted to try attracting other girls. The reason for people leaving a happy relationship is usually because they think they can do better.

 

As long as you're being available to him and staying in contact he will never come back. Ignore him and try to move on. If he later realizes he made a huge mistake, then it's up to you if you want to give him another chance or not.

 

It feels like he is your only 'soulmate' out there now because your brain is still addicted to him. But you will soon realize that there are other great guys out there, and if your ex didn't want you then it's really his loss. I'm sure you will find someone much better for you!

[Sar112]

Thank you

 

I know what you're saying about him feeling 'safe'. Maybe that was part of it though he said during the breakup that he knows he will probably end up alone (because of his issues) and knows he will probably never find anyone as caring/attractive etc... maybe he was just saying those things to try and ease the blow though.

 

I am doing my best to move on... getting my own place, going out with friends a lot more etc... it just sucks to feel as though his feelings for me have just disappeared literally overnight.

 

Just to know he regretted it would be enough for me right now.

[SparrowH]

Thank you

 

I know what you're saying about him feeling 'safe'. Maybe that was part of it though he said during the breakup that he knows he will probably end up alone (because of his issues) and knows he will probably never find anyone as caring/attractive etc... maybe he was just saying those things to try and ease the blow though.

 

I am doing my best to move on... getting my own place, going out with friends a lot more etc... it just sucks to feel as though his feelings for me have just disappeared literally overnight.

 

Just to know he regretted it would be enough for me right now.

 

It is tough, but really we will never know what another person truly feels and thinks - if he tells you now that he regrets it, in a week might you not be doubting the genuineness of that also? Might it also confuse things in regards to thinking about reconciliation?

 

Saying that, I'm sure his feelings for you didn't disappear overnight (contradictory myself right?!), and if they did, then you deserve someone who can be more genuine with themselves and with you.

 

21 days NC? Well done! And what is 21 days compared to 5/10 years?! But I do completely understand the feeling you are not moving anywhere despite the NC. Regards to this, I read an article that I have posted elsewhere on LS that I personally found comforting

 

This Is The Moment When Your Heartbreak Will End | Thought Catalog

[Sar112]

Thank you That's a really great article - it made me feel comforted too. I find that reading things like that over and over when I'm feeling particularly bad really helps.

 

I hope his still having feelings for me etc... was still true and not just something to ease the blow. Only time will tell I suppose. I am so used to having him want me (when we broke up the first time he was always in contact every few months) - when we would meet he would try to initiate something but I always held strong. It was only at our school reunion two years back that he gave me a v heartfelt speech about me being 'the one'/doing anything for another chance that I finally gave in.

 

His best friend seems to think it was a snap decision that he made to want to break up and still thinks he will be back again but who knows. His mind works very differently to anyone else's I have ever known.

 

Just hoping to concentrate on myself and start to heal now so that if/when he's back I can think clearly about whether to give him another chance.

[Sar112]

Day 23 and this is the first day I feel like I am actually close to getting in touch with him. I know it won't help my case but after not hearing over Xmas and with new year coming up it is making me panic something terrible. I feel like I have taken ten steps back in the last few days. Any advice would really be appreciated

[D_y]

First and foremost, I advise to make peace with yourself. Think about all you've given to him and how he broke up with you in return; about the fact that many guys would kill to be loved by a girl who would stand behind them (even more so when suffering from mental illness!) and yet he chose to go at it alone; and last but not least, about how you have proven your commitment -while he hasn't.

 

It's all about acknowledging your value and expecting nothing less from others, cause you know why? From what I've just read, you're completely worth it. As I've said, few people love others while being accepting of their dark side. He is truly making a mistake in letting you go.

 

Now, I do completely understand that the holidays make it much harder to cope, as I'm going through the exact same thing. This is the time to spend some time doing something you love with friends or family and talking about your feelings with them. You can even try a new experience or that hobby you have always dreamed about; what matters is keeping yourself busy in a positive way and dropping all direct and indirect contact with him (including talking to his friends!).

 

I know you can do it.

Edited December 29, 2015 by D_y

[Sar112]

Thank you so much for those words of support. I really needed them today. It means a lot to have someone understand the situation and you actually made me want to cry saying you think I'm worth it - as silly as t sounds I think we all feel a little worthless when these situations hit. I don't think he is a bad person for what he has done, he just has some deep rooted issues that I wish he would get therapy for. My father suffered badly with anxiety and depression and ended up taking his own life over it, hence I wanted to do all I could to support my ex through it all. Unfortunately I don't think he has the right mind set to settle down with anyone and to let them help him. He as much as told me he knew he would never find anyone 'better' and that he would probably end up alone. Very sad.

 

I am moving to a new city next month where I will be nearer more of my friends so hopefully that will give me a good start Looking forward to making a new home look just as I want it and to joining some new fitness classes etc... At least that is my plan.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing with the holidays at the moment. I had underestimated how much harder they make things! Luckily I have a very supportive mother and sister who do all they can to help and support me. I hope you're in the same boat. We can both do it things will get better eventually.

[SparrowH]

Thank you so much for those words of support. I really needed them today. It means a lot to have someone understand the situation and you actually made me want to cry saying you think I'm worth it - as silly as t sounds I think we all feel a little worthless when these situations hit. I don't think he is a bad person for what he has done, he just has some deep rooted issues that I wish he would get therapy for. My father suffered badly with anxiety and depression and ended up taking his own life over it, hence I wanted to do all I could to support my ex through it all. Unfortunately I don't think he has the right mind set to settle down with anyone and to let them help him. He as much as told me he knew he would never find anyone 'better' and that he would probably end up alone. Very sad.

 

I am moving to a new city next month where I will be nearer more of my friends so hopefully that will give me a good start Looking forward to making a new home look just as I want it and to joining some new fitness classes etc... At least that is my plan.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing with the holidays at the moment. I had underestimated how much harder they make things! Luckily I have a very supportive mother and sister who do all they can to help and support me. I hope you're in the same boat. We can both do it things will get better eventually.

 

Glad to see things seem to have got better for you as the day went on. It may feel like sometimes you are taking steps back but I think it is all part of it. I will often have a couple of days that are okay followed by feeling really awful, like 'I am no longer with the person I love, therefore why do I feel okay? I SHOULD feel like sh*t'.

 

NYE is going to be tough (especially as I have no plans), but know by making it through Christmas NC, and then New Year too, is probably the hardest it is going to get in resisting contact, and by doing so, should give you the belief and confidence that you can keep NC. And then maybe that next week or next month might just be that little less difficult.

 

Good luck

[Sar112]

Thanks The last few days do seem to be getting better - no doubt there will still be ups and downs. I was dreading NYE tonight as I have no plans either - I've spent the day with one of my good friends though, just talking it out and it helped alleviate some of what I was feeling.

 

I know he'll be working tonight so there won't be too many images running round in my head. Did have a little wobble earlier when his Mother messaged me to wish us all happy new year - though in a way I suppose it was nice to know that she cares and is still thinking of me.

 

I just feel generally better knowing that everyone seems to recognise what a terrible thing he's done to me again - even his own family.

 

My plan tonight is to order take out, watch some feel good films and have a soak - maybe you can do something similar to help get through the evening I am sure the coming weeks and months will get easier for both of us - the holidays are tough that's for sure. I'm not one for all this 'new year new me' stuff - but maybe this time it really is a chance for a clean start.

[SparrowH]

Thanks The last few days do seem to be getting better - no doubt there will still be ups and downs. I was dreading NYE tonight as I have no plans either - I've spent the day with one of my good friends though, just talking it out and it helped alleviate some of what I was feeling.

 

I know he'll be working tonight so there won't be too many images running round in my head. Did have a little wobble earlier when his Mother messaged me to wish us all happy new year - though in a way I suppose it was nice to know that she cares and is still thinking of me.

 

I just feel generally better knowing that everyone seems to recognise what a terrible thing he's done to me again - even his own family.

 

My plan tonight is to order take out, watch some feel good films and have a soak - maybe you can do something similar to help get through the evening I am sure the coming weeks and months will get easier for both of us - the holidays are tough that's for sure. I'm not one for all this 'new year new me' stuff - but maybe this time it really is a chance for a clean start.

 

Glad to hear things seem to be getting better

 

They sound like lovely plans, hope you had a good evening. I have had a good few days but then today has been a bit tough - picturing how my ex will be enjoying today with her new boyfriend.

 

I am also of that opinion - really do not buy into new year resolutions and the like. But yes, the timing of new year will perhaps coincide with a 'new me' for the both of us I hope so anyway!

 

Currently I'm struggling with how much waiting I am having to do regarding getting a new job - I have an interview but not for another two weeks, unemployed now for five months.

 

Happy New Year

[Sar112]

Happy new year to you too

 

Try not to worry too much about the job - I have a close friend who is in the same situation with work at the moment and has been struggling, but I guess you need to embrace the time you have - take up some new hobbies etc? She has set up her own (v small time) cake making business and is getting a lot of enjoyment out of it. I know when I was unemployed for 6 months a few years back, I started blogging and the therapy of writing really helped me.

 

Last night was ok for me - I managed to stay relatively calm, but, like you - I struggled again today. Feeling low and wondering why everyone but him has managed to reach out and ask if I'm ok. The more I think the more I convince myself it's because he has already met someone new and so I'm just trying to stay away from anything that might mean me finding that out. It's all something my own mind is inventing though! So silly when I think about it logically. The same goes for you and the 'new boyfriend' - likelihood is she hasn't had a day half as nice as you're picturing!

 

I am still kidding myself that all this talk about him still loving and caring for me is true. Once I accept that it isn't I think it will be easier to move on. Tonight I am making a list of 'To Dos' and 'Not to dos' for when I start to feel panicky/down - hoping it will help! Maybe give it a go

[D.r.e]

Happy new year to you too

 

Try not to worry too much about the job - I have a close friend who is in the same situation with work at the moment and has been struggling, but I guess you need to embrace the time you have - take up some new hobbies etc? She has set up her own (v small time) cake making business and is getting a lot of enjoyment out of it. I know when I was unemployed for 6 months a few years back, I started blogging and the therapy of writing really helped me.

 

Last night was ok for me - I managed to stay relatively calm, but, like you - I struggled again today. Feeling low and wondering why everyone but him has managed to reach out and ask if I'm ok. The more I think the more I convince myself it's because he has already met someone new and so I'm just trying to stay away from anything that might mean me finding that out. It's all something my own mind is inventing though! So silly when I think about it logically. The same goes for you and the 'new boyfriend' - likelihood is she hasn't had a day half as nice as you're picturing!

 

I am still kidding myself that all this talk about him still loving and caring for me is true. Once I accept that it isn't I think it will be easier to move on. Tonight I am making a list of 'To Dos' and 'Not to dos' for when I start to feel panicky/down - hoping it will help! Maybe give it a go

 

Your thoughts mirror mine. This morning I was so bummed out. I haven't heard a thing from her, I was told she felt guilty, she told me she missed me, but you know what? I don't see it. I see someone who doesn't give a **** about me.

 

You've inspired me to make my own list. I will feel ups and downs but these are my rules.

 

Here's my to do's

-give no fcks about her

 

Here is my don't

-don't give a **** about her.

[Sar112]

That's probably all the list needs truthfully isn't it! :') That is exactly how I feel he is behaving too - like he couldn't care less - though I also suspect that it is also because he is ashamed and because he is too much of a coward to face up to the hurt he has caused so many people - for a second time.

 

I suspect he thinks that the longer he leaves it, the more likely it is that I will want to be his 'friend', where as in reality I know that the longer he leaves it the more I will grow to not care and no longer want him as part of my life.

 

I am not even in a position any more where I am desperate to get him back so much as just wanting him to feel the same level of hurt that I have been made to feel. Who knows if that will ever happen - all I know is that my 'list' involves not taking a blind bit of notice re what he's up to and ensuring I kick ass so that if he does ever happen to pay any attention to what I'm doing he'll have no option but to feel full of regret.

[Qboro90]

Sorry you're going through a rough time with this. I know it can be extra difficult during the holiday seasons.

 

As a guy I can offer my perspective based on what you outlined in this thread. First it seems clear that he felt you were too dependent on him and the relationship. The fact that you've known each other so long and dated for 5 years probably means that things started to become very routine as of late and he felt that either you were always around and possibly "too available" or that he was the focus of your daily life,emotions and decided that wasn't what he wanted to carry anymore.

 

Usually when someone tells you "you say you're independent from me, now prove it"... That's pretty telling in saying he felt overwhelmed by the state of the relationship. Contacting his friends and staying "around his life" through them isn't an attractive thing to do. Do you hang out with his guy friends without him? If not then it's obvious you're just speaking to them in order to get the info on him and what he's doing/feeling. They are his friends, they'll be in his side no matter what.

 

I also think it was a mistake for you to respond to his invitation to meet up and get together by saying "I'm only interested in meeting if it involves reconciliation". That's an ultimatum and will push him away if anything. If he wanted to reconcile immediately he would do so. The point of getting drinks is to see how you interact with him and if you can re discover that spark you once had without him feeling like all you want is to get back into a serious relationship with nothing having changed.

 

And I noticed that you said he is afraid of commitment and suffers from anxiety. If you've known him for 10 years and dated for 5 then that is pretty committed if you ask me. Was he faithful to you during those years? If so then the "afraid of commitment" line is just you trying to make it seem like he's a naive young boy who can be nurtured and taught how to be the BF/husband you want. Most of the time when a guy says "I'm afraid I'll let you down because I can't give you the same level of love that you show me". That's just a sly way of making you think you should feel sorry for him and stick around because he recognizes how much you love and care for him. Meanwhile, he's blatantly saying "I know you're awesome, I just don't wanna be awesome back to you". Don't fall for that.

 

You want him back? Then you need to turn the tables and have him start bugging out about possibly losing you forever. Fake it if you have to at first. If he sees or hears about you goingn out, socializing, talking to another guy, or dating... That's the quickest way to shock him Into "oh ****... She's not waiting around for me like I thought!?... I messed up!!"

[Sar112]

Thanks I know what you're saying re the whole being dependent thing - I must admit, when I am in a relationship I do have a tendency to stop seeing friends as much/make myself available at the drop of a hat - not an attractive quality I know and something I want to work on. I never bugged him to hang out though, and I work a pretty high level job which demands most of my time.

 

I should point out that we were together 3 years (16-19) then split when we went away to uni. 5 years later (with him always having intermittently contacted me in between - met a couple of times - he tried to kiss me, i knocked him back etc etc), we met again at a school reunion and spent another 2 years together. Throughout this up until a few days before we split, he was pretty open about wanting kids, houses, telling me repeatedly how much he loved me and had never stopped thinking about me - that I was the only person he had truly ever loved etc. I'm not sure whether to think these were all lies now or what...

 

When we were just getting together this time I know he kissed another girl but as weren't officially together at that point we worked through it and again he cried and apologised profusely at that point saying he only did it because he was starting to freak out knowing he was going to spend the rest of his life with me once we got together this time.

 

Everything you say is true about his friends etc... it was only his best friend that I had been talking to who was also shocked about the fact he made such a rash decision and took it upon himself to support me in the weeks following. I think he thought he would change his mind before long. We are no longer in contact either way so that's not an issue now.

 

You are spot on with the 'ultimatum' thing though - he obviously did feel pressured which is why he ended up reacting the way he did. I think I said that because I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt more and meeting with nothing in mind other than to be told he wanted to be friends would have done that.

 

I don't know if I do want him back now, I just want him to realise his mistake. I don't know if that will ever happen though - he as much as told me when this happened that he knew he would never find anyone better and that he was going to end up alone because of his issues. Apparently he has told his friends the same thing - saying he just wants to travel and work crappy jobs in between and not have to worry about committing to anyone - who knows - I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

I think the anxiety is linked to the commitment as he can't even commit to one job for more than 12 months before needing to change. It seems to be an issue for him in a lot of different areas in life.

 

We will see anyway - for now I just want to do my best to get on with things, meet new people, maybe try going on few dates in time. I don't expect to hear from him in the near future. It needs to be about me now. I just hope he realises how foolish he has been in time to throw away someone who would have loved and supported him through all his issues.

[Qboro90]

Thanks I know what you're saying re the whole being dependent thing - I must admit, when I am in a relationship I do have a tendency to stop seeing friends as much/make myself available at the drop of a hat - not an attractive quality I know and something I want to work on. I never bugged him to hang out though, and I work a pretty high level job which demands most of my time.

 

I should point out that we were together 3 years (16-19) then split when we went away to uni. 5 years later (with him always having intermittently contacted me in between - met a couple of times - he tried to kiss me, i knocked him back etc etc), we met again at a school reunion and spent another 2 years together. Throughout this up until a few days before we split, he was pretty open about wanting kids, houses, telling me repeatedly how much he loved me and had never stopped thinking about me - that I was the only person he had truly ever loved etc. I'm not sure whether to think these were all lies now or what...

 

When we were just getting together this time I know he kissed another girl but as weren't officially together at that point we worked through it and again he cried and apologised profusely at that point saying he only did it because he was starting to freak out knowing he was going to spend the rest of his life with me once we got together this time.

 

Everything you say is true about his friends etc... it was only his best friend that I had been talking to who was also shocked about the fact he made such a rash decision and took it upon himself to support me in the weeks following. I think he thought he would change his mind before long. We are no longer in contact either way so that's not an issue now.

 

You are spot on with the 'ultimatum' thing though - he obviously did feel pressured which is why he ended up reacting the way he did. I think I said that because I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt more and meeting with nothing in mind other than to be told he wanted to be friends would have done that.

 

I don't know if I do want him back now, I just want him to realise his mistake. I don't know if that will ever happen though - he as much as told me when this happened that he knew he would never find anyone better and that he was going to end up alone because of his issues. Apparently he has told his friends the same thing - saying he just wants to travel and work crappy jobs in between and not have to worry about committing to anyone - who knows - I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

I think the anxiety is linked to the commitment as he can't even commit to one job for more than 12 months before needing to change. It seems to be an issue for him in a lot of different areas in life.

 

We will see anyway - for now I just want to do my best to get on with things, meet new people, maybe try going on few dates in time. I don't expect to hear from him in the near future. It needs to be about me now. I just hope he realises how foolish he has been in time to throw away someone who would have loved and supported him through all his issues.

 

 

First of all you can't take what people say when they're teenagers as written in stone truth forever. Young guys and girls say things like that. I told my HS and college gf that I wanted to marry them. I didn't marry either. It's just **** people say when you're happy and with someone. Can't take it so seriously especially when you're so young.

 

He's not going to suddenly crawl back saying how much of a mistake he made. Don't expect that or hold it against him. That's not real life. If you drop your friends when you get a BF then that says a lot about how much you depend on the guys you're with. That's not a good thing to do so work on that in the future.

 

Don't text a guys best friend after a break up either. It's sketchy and makes you look like a low class girl. You're trying to get a reaction from your ex even if you don't think so. His best friend doesn't care if you ever get back together with him. He's not losing sleep over it. So don't think they're in your side at all. This is why you need to have your own circle of friends and girls you can go to for support.

 

You gotta learn to be ok with the reality that he's not ever going to apologize or say the things you want. Or if it ends for good, do so in a way where you have perfect closure. Odds are you'll end up hearing about him seeing another girl. That's how these things end unfortunately. Better beat him to the punch if you wanna have the upper hand

[Sar112]

We are both 27 years old. I understand what you are saying about the things people say when they are teenagers but these things had continued for 10yrs +

 

We had started saving for a house etc... To say I dropped my friends is unfair as well. I have a career that demands a lot of my time (lawyer) and the majority of my friends live a couple of hours away - I did my best to see them when I could but it's not that easy when you have a demanding job.

 

He on the other hand works in a bar, finds it hard to stick at any job and has a lot of friends locally. I have supported him both financially and mentally throughout his struggles and so I feel I have very little to learn in this instance in that respect. I shan't be taking any of the blame for his appalling behaviour.

 

His friend has been a great support to me and the fact he messaged my best friend too initially asking her to look after me only shows me that we have friends who are mature enough to understand the hurt that has been caused. Neither of us would expect the other ones friend to 'take sides' - merely ensure the other party is OK.

Edited January 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator