JenHen15 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Hello. Thank you in advance for any advice given... My boyfriend and I have been together around 4 months. I love him. He loves me. Things are amazing. Except this one thing, and this is going to sound ridiculous and like it's no big deal, but... He keeps annoying me on purpose. In a teasing way. Mainly physically. It doesn't hurt, but he's a lot bigger than I am (he's about double my weight) and I feel powerless when he does it. I know it's only a joke, and I can deal with it at first. But when I tell him I'm being serious and it's really not fun for me anymore, he carries on. Then I get angry and shout (because being nice hasn't worked), or storm off, and he gets upset with me for getting angry. He says things like "I was just joking, then you got all nasty". Then I feel like I've been a bitch to someone who was just trying to be playful. For example, yesterday, he kept pushing me (gently) back on the sofa when I tried to stand up. I know how silly it sounds, and I laughed at first, but when it's going on and on and on and I can do nothing about it, I get really mad. Then when he sees that I'm getting mad, he carries on. Or the other day, from nowhere he started tickly my feet (which I HATE, and he knows that). I asked him to stop and told him I hated it, and he carried on. I couldn't get him off me. I told him that as I couldn't get him off me, I would slap him (not on the face or anything) if he carried on. He carried on. So I slapped him (on his arm). Then he made me feel bad about it. And I felt really bad. But it was the only way to get him to stop! And I did warn him. I have spoken to him about it seriously, but he says that I need to lighten up and that he should be allowed to tease his girlfriend. But it gets me so angry! I don't enjoy shouting at him, but I get so mad that it's really hard not to. So, now I'm left wondering if I should lighten up about it and somehow not get as mad as I do, or tell him (again) than it MUST stop. He's amazing in every other way and I hate being angry at him. Advice would be great. Thank you
basil67 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 A joke is only funny if the other person laughs. Personally, I'd hate what he's doing and probably would have walked away from him by now. He's not respecting your boundaries - pure and simple. You could tell him again how you feel, but as he dismissed your thoughts in the past, it's very likely he will continue to dismiss your opinions in the future. My only suggestions are make or break - and only to be used when you've run out of other options (I can't think of any other options). Tell him that his jokes aren't funny and he's not respecting your boundaries. Tell him that if he does it again, you will end the relationship. Either that or tell him that you need a break from the relationship while you consider whether or not you want to stay with him due to his behaviour. But both of my suggestions require you to walk away if he doesn't start respecting you. 9
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Your boyfriend is a bully. When you ask someone to stop teasing you and they don't it becomes bullying. It's a lack of respect toward you. I would not deal well with this so my advice will seem usual but it's meant to teach him that each action has an equal and opposite reaction. Each time he does that to you just leave. Get up, grab your things, and leave. Don't get mad, don't get into an argument. Leave and tell him you'll see him again when he's done being a boy and he's ready to be a man. He's going to disagree with you, he's going to call you childish but so what? This behavior has to stop or he will be punished by not spending time with you. 8
Wewon Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I hate sounding like an alarmist but your boyfriend is being a jerk. Its only been 4 months and you haven't mentioned other problems so its tough to say how much of a jerk, but a jerk none the less. Joking is okay, but it should come to a screeching halt as soon as you say that you want it to quit (and vice versa). What makes it worse is that he lays a guilt trip on you for stating your boundaries; that's horribly manipulative. Your best move is to sit down and talk about this, letting him know that it has to stop. If he does it again after that, then you have to consider that you may not be a match. 6
Grumpybutfun Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Dump the child, find a man. His boundaries are non-existent and could possibly bleed over onto other areas of your life at a later date when he has conditioned you to accept his bullying. Never accept behavior that makes you feel threatened, even if the other person tries to sell it as joking. He sounds like he needs to grow up. I have a twenty two year old son and this would be foreign, unacceptable behavior to him with the woman he claims to love. You need to place your own boundaries and if he doesn't respect them...move on. If you have asked and asked and sat down with him and told him his joking isn't fun for you and he doesn't stop, he doesn't care about your feelings or your opinion. Best, Grumps 7
Author JenHen15 Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 Thanks to everyone for the advice. It does help a lot as I was feeling bad about causing an argument. But I think you're right - he has to stop.
GemmaUK Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I had some similarities over a couple of things in a relationship I had which turned out to be a very controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. My guy was more than double my weight and much stronger than me. He would poke me in my ribs to stop me moving away when I was about to check on the food I was cooking (that kind of thing). He would never use the flat of his hand and it hurt when he poked me. One time it really hurt and I howled. I ended up with a ligament injury for just over 6 weeks after that. About a week later we visited his best friend and his gf and his best friend noticed I was in pain. We had a debate for about 2 hours that night started by his best mate on how he shouldn't touch me like that and just looking at the difference in our sizes it was plain obvious it would hurt. My guy sort of seemed to understand but even after that I was aware that when he went to touch my waist area he always went in with his fingers so I just kept my arms tight by my sides for protection. Another thing he would do was put his arm around my shoulders with a lit cigarette in his hand. I asked him multiple times to stop doing this as I didn't like being so close to a lit cigarette but he told me I was being silly. I could only get out of this by making a big scene as he would hold so tight I couldn't remove myself. These were only a couple of small examples of his behaviour. I hadn't ever experienced someone like this so it just baffled me. For you, you need to see the bigger picture, not only is he using his strength against you, he is telling you it's a joke. If you don't find it funny then it is not a joke. Plus he is belittling you and guilt tripping you for not liking his 'joke'. I suspect there's other things which he belittles you over too or doesn't respect your opinion on. 3
Natalie8 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I agree with the other posters. What he is doing is disrespectful. It is not a real joke if only one of you is laughing. This reminds me of the behaviour of one of my brothers. He does this to me sometimes - but not regularly- and doesnt seem to understand why i get angry. However i asked his gf if he ever does this to her and she said no. If he did she would have a serious talk with him. And i think that is what you should do too. Or show him this thread? 1
Leucine Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I'm a guy and I can't stand these immature guys. Tell him to grow up and respect your boundaries if he wants to be with you, and play practical jokes with the lads if they're just as childish as him. 2
Glitters Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Agree with everyone above. He won't stop because he doesn't see anything wrong in it. Try giving him dose of his own medicine.
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 If he did it once. . . OK fine, he's teasing you. The minute you say stop & he doesn't he's crossed lines. Since he doesn't respect you enough to follow your wishes about seemingly little stuff, you have to assume his behavior will get worse when the stakes get bigger. You may think you are in love with him but he loved you, he would not treat you this way. 1
Ic1 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 He might not completely realize he's doing it*, but he's doing this to remind you of his physical superiority. Which in turn will make you submissive because you'll instinctively know he can hurt you. He's abusing you and trying to control you. *Subconscious actions, but he's too stupid to realize their real intentions. 1
WaitingForBardot Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 ... He keeps annoying me on purpose. In a teasing way. Mainly physically. It doesn't hurt, but he's a lot bigger than I am (he's about double my weight) and I feel powerless when he does it. ... Taking what you say at face value, and devoid any other context, this is a HUGE red flag.
katiegrl Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) JenHen..., you need to stand up to him, figuratively and literally. If my bf (now ex) were to continue pushing me back on the couch (or anywhere)....I would get really mad and tell him assertively to knock it off, it's NOT funny. If he were to tell me to lighten up it's a joke ...I would get even madder and again say no it's not ...and if you don't knock it off ....I am gone, period! He is trying to dominate you, albeit subconsciously ...or maybe even consciously! Like all abusers, he actually feels weak and insecure so he compensates by aggressively attempting to dominate you via his physical actions, which IMO constitutes abuse, since you have told him you don't like it and want it to stop. But you need to be more assertive about it ...and seriously, get mad, stand up to him and tell him if he doesn't stop you will leave for good! Then leave! Walk out. Don't let him intimidate you and attempt to flip the script by suggesting YOU have a problem for not getting the "joke." It's NOT a joke .... this is very serious, and he is a bully!!!!! And if you don't nip this in the bud, it will escslate into more serious physical abuse, with him maybe breaking your nose one day when he is unhappy about something...or even if he's not, but simply wants to assert his dominance. Scary! Edited December 27, 2015 by katiegrl
xcupid Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 He's controlling and a bully. He's also disrespectful. If he doesn't stop it's time to look for a new BF, IMO.
11012015 Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 He keeps annoying me on purpose. But when I tell him I'm being serious and it's really not fun for me anymore, he carries on. Then I get angry and shout (because being nice hasn't worked), or storm off, and he gets upset with me for getting angry. He says things like "I was just joking, then you got all nasty". He is being immature. When you tell him it is not fun or a joke for you and he keeps doing the same thing, testing how far he can push you and make you mad, as if that is fun for him, that shows insensitivity and immaturity. At this point he sees it is creating drama (whether he thinks you need to lighten up or not) and he still doesn't stop. There is a serious problem here. Tell him he can't make you lighten up with that behavior (only causes more unpleasantness). If that doesn't work, cut his hair while he is asleep and draw on his face with a permanent pen (make sure it is before his meeting) and then say "Oh lighten up! You can't take a joke!" [No, of course don't do that, that is immature but you get the idea. Tell him that]
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