My K1 fiancée cheated fiancée cheated on me. How do I move on?

[Gloria25]

Lessons learned?

 

1 - Do not date someone LDR...even if it's an American. When you are in a LDR, you only get so see one side of someone a side that only lasts for the time you are visiting each other. When you live within driving distance of someone, you can actually get to pop by their place (and vice versa) on the regular and see them at the best/worst. You can meet their family, you can spend qualtiy time with them.

 

2 - Don't shell out money on ANYONE until they've earned it. Yes, I know that a lot of guys pay doweries and/or bills and all that of the family of the female they want to marry as some sort of "gesture" to get the parents "blessing" and/or out of simple "kindness" and/or you just feel bad for them and want to help them out.

 

But problem is, when you "reward" people before they've earned it - they may feel obligated to reciprocate (your fiance's temporary sense of obligation towards you) but since they grew to like you more from what you "did" for them instead of "you", it gets old soon. And you're seeing that now. We're not in slavery times anymore and women can go out and make their own money and stuff. So, while your fiance at first felt obligated towards you, now that she got a taste of a bigger world than her Thai world - she's gonna diss you. Sorry.

 

Now, back to American women (and/or any other non-Thai woman) the same holds true. I believe first dates should be simple and cheap - like coffee. You don't shell out big bucks taking some woman you barely know and/or is invested in you to dinner, a show, etc. If you give anyone too much, too soon they don't value it cuz they didn't earn it.

 

3 - Don't get engaged until you've actually "dated" someone (not "shacking up", co-workers, friends, and/or LDRs) for 1 1/2 to 2 years and before set a date for the wedding ceremony, do 6 months pre-marital counseling after you get engaged. And, after you marry, wait at least 2 - 3 years before you have your first kid. That way, you KNOW who you are dating and your marriage is more likely to last.

 

Again, we're in 2015. No longer do women have to get married to get out of their parent's home (well, there are still some women who default into marriage/kids cuz they are to lazy and scared to venture on their own) and we're not in slavery times. So, even "if" your Thai woman is/was naive and wet behind the ears, the day she comes to the US and her other Thai women school her on her "rights" you can forget it. Seen it over and over - especially with military guys.

 

Military guys get into "hero/rescue" mode and think they can get a woman who will be forever grateful for him "rescuing" her - yet these women get "Americanized" quick. Knew one guy who married in Korea, had a kid, even extended his tour over there and after six years of marriage, a son, and in his words a "great" marriage (they went out to the clubs, had great times, she was a perfect wife) the day she set foot on American soil it all ended. She got a job, kept the money and sent it to her family, and started making false reports to the MPs (military police) on the poor guy cuz she was gearing up to get her green card as a "battered" wife and end up with the military housing, custody, alimony, etc. That guy broke down into tears from what that woman did to him and she waited 6 years to pull off her plan.

 

So, becareful trying to marry foreign women - they aren't that "dim" at the end of the day and if they were, they get schooled pretty quick once they come to the US.

 

Lastly, if you ever decide to face the horrors of dating American women - again, don't be showering no one with money/gifts, etc when they haven't earned it and take the time to actually "date" someone before putting a ring on their finger.

 

Sorry for your pain and good luck next time around....be glad she showed her butt now before later.

[Gotplayed2015]

Lessons learned?

 

1 - Do not date someone LDR...even if it's an American. When you are in a LDR, you only get so see one side of someone a side that only lasts for the time you are visiting each other. When you live within driving distance of someone, you can actually get to pop by their place (and vice versa) on the regular and see them at the best/worst. You can meet their family, you can spend qualtiy time with them.

 

2 - Don't shell out money on ANYONE until they've earned it. Yes, I know that a lot of guys pay doweries and/or bills and all that of the family of the female they want to marry as some sort of "gesture" to get the parents "blessing" and/or out of simple "kindness" and/or you just feel bad for them and want to help them out.

 

But problem is, when you "reward" people before they've earned it - they may feel obligated to reciprocate (your fiance's temporary sense of obligation towards you) but since they grew to like you more from what you "did" for them instead of "you", it gets old soon. And you're seeing that now. We're not in slavery times anymore and women

Edited December 27, 2015 by Gotplayed2015

[Gotplayed2015]

Lessons learned?

 

1 - Do not date someone LDR...even if it's an American. When you are in a LDR, you only get so see one side of someone a side that only lasts for the time you are visiting each other. When you live within driving distance of someone, you can actually get to pop by their place (and vice versa) on the regular and see them at the best/worst. You can meet their family, you can spend qualtiy time with them.

 

2 - Don't shell out money on ANYONE until they've earned it. Yes, I know that a lot of guys pay doweries and/or bills and all that of the family of the female they want to marry as some sort of "gesture" to get the parents "blessing" and/or out of simple "kindness" and/or you just feel bad for them and want to help them out.

 

But problem is, when you "reward" people before they've earned it - they may feel obligated to reciprocate (your fiance's temporary sense of obligation towards you) but since they grew to like you more from what you "did" for them instead of "you", it gets old soon. And you're seeing that now. We're not in slavery times anymore and women can go out and make their own money and stuff. So, while your fiance at first felt obligated towards you, now that she got a taste of a bigger world than her Thai world - she's gonna diss you. Sorry.

 

Now, back to American women (and/or any other non-Thai woman) the same holds true. I believe first dates should be simple and cheap - like coffee. You don't shell out big bucks taking some woman you barely know and/or is invested in you to dinner, a show, etc. If you give anyone too much, too soon they don't value it cuz they didn't earn it.

 

3 - Don't get engaged until you've actually "dated" someone (not "shacking up", co-workers, friends, and/or LDRs) for 1 1/2 to 2 years and before set a date for the wedding ceremony, do 6 months pre-marital counseling after you get engaged. And, after you marry, wait at least 2 - 3 years before you have your first kid. That way, you KNOW who you are dating and your marriage is more likely to last.

 

Again, we're in 2015. No longer do women have to get married to get out of their parent's home (well, there are still some women who default into marriage/kids cuz they are to lazy and scared to venture on their own) and we're not in slavery times. So, even "if" your Thai woman is/was naive and wet behind the ears, the day she comes to the US and her other Thai women school her on her "rights" you can forget it. Seen it over and over - especially with military guys

 

Hello there, you hit the nail on that head. I visited 4 times in two years for only 1-2 weeks at a time. As you mentioned I may have seen only that side she wanted me to see when I was there visiting. I supported her so that she didn't have to work because I was concerned about her safety. Despite my support she work anyway (behind my back). Gave her too much, too soon and yes I created a monster. I'm to blame for that. It was never enough. As she was able to buy better clothes and live a better lifestyle with my financial support, I have noticed many changes. She was hanging out with her girlfriends a lot more and I wasn't able to reach her via phone like I once did. You're correct; moving forward my first date will be more casual and less expensive. I'm going to take my time and learn as much as I can about the person before jumping in too deeply. I set myself up for a fail relationship. LDR will never work; too many unknown. Hard lesson to learn but I'm rebuilding my self esteem and confidence up again. The good news is my finance is stable and very strong.

[bigman1]

I met my ex fiancée on fb two years ago. Six month after knowing her on fb I had decided to make a surprise visit. We got along great. It was a dream come true. I visited her 3 more times. We got engaged traditionally April 2015.

 

You started your post with the above sentences. THAT is your problem. You can't seriously think that a FB relationship and 3 visits is sufficient to take things to engagement. SERIOUSLY. If that is your starting point, and you think nothing is wrong with what you wrote then life and relationships are going to be very hard for you. Not being rude, just being real.

 

Real relationships need real world tests. Not living together, necessarily. I mean daily interaction IN PERSON. You can go from an in person relationship to a LDR and that can work. Happens with military and other professions. There may be exceptions but not many.

 

This thing was going to fail based on your first statement. Why it failed was unforeseen, but that it was going to fail was clear. Be glad.

[Gotplayed2015]

I met my ex fiancée on fb two years ago. Six month after knowing her on fb I had decided to make a surprise visit. We got along great. It was a dream come true. I visited her 3 more times. We got engaged traditionally April 2015.

 

You started your post with the above sentences. THAT is your problem. You can't seriously think that a FB relationship and 3 visits is sufficient to take things to engagement. SERIOUSLY. If that is your starting point, and you think nothing is wrong with what you wrote then life and relationships are going to be very hard for you. Not being rude, just being real.

 

Real relationships need real world tests. Not living together, necessarily. I mean daily interaction IN PERSON. You can go from an in person relationship to a LDR and that can work. Happens with military and other professions. There may be exceptions but not many.

 

This thing was going to fail based on your first statement. Why it failed was unforeseen, but that it was going to fail was clear. Be glad.

 

Very constructive. Thank you. I based my trust on 4 visits. Basically, I gave 100% to a stranger. I suck at dating/ relationship. I appreciate all the feedback and will make complete change to how I approach dating/relationship. This will save me from future heartbreak.

[bigman1]

Here is some advice on relationships.

 

1. Slowly reveal the crazy. We all have something about us that is, for want of a better word, crazy. Don't hide it. Let it out, slowly.

 

2. Don't overwhelm folks. You are not trying to get a GF on the first date. Take it slow. You and they have some crazy to reveal. Let that play out. They have a life too and want to reveal stuff about themselves. Let them. It means you have to shut up.

 

3. Be you from the start. While it seems to counter point 1, it does not. If you are a star wars fan, cosplayer, chat room, books, and poster kind of guy, that is the crazy. Slow it down, Not every conversation needs to be about that. Still, let them know that you are a huge fan. Don't try to be "Rico Suave" (80's song reference), if you are really a nerd.

 

4. Don't hunt hungry. If you are relationship starved, then you are jumping on anything and everything and thereby violating the first 3 rules.

 

5. No one is out of your league nor are you above anyone. Looks and substance are different things. Looks fade, but not substance. If you like what you see, talk to them. Follow rules 1-4.

 

6. Not everyone you meet is on the market. Get to know people as people and not as mate potential. Amazingly, you may find a mate. Why? Because we tend to get to know and interact with folks with similar interest. Similar crazy, similar interest, similar hangouts.

 

7. Stop trying so hard. Failed relationships are a good thing. You learn about you and others. Its not about winning this one, its about winning when you find the best fit for you.

[WomenWubber]

Seriously. If I was in your shoes, I'd want to beat myself up.

 

You have zero self respect, so it's not surprising people will walk all over you.

 

You were lucky this time. Many don't have that luxury and instead have to deal with the fallout of a ****ty divorce (i.e. going bankrupt).

[Poppy47]

Have you travelled to other parts of the world before?

 

There are a lot of men and women out there who would do a lot for a visa to a country like yours or mine.

 

Here we call them Visa Whores.

 

I am so sorry that you had to learn about this the way you did.

 

Kindest Regards,

Poppy

[Gotplayed2015]

Seriously. If I was in your shoes, I'd want to beat myself up.

 

You have zero self respect, so it's not surprising people will walk all over you.

 

You were lucky this time. Many don't have that luxury and instead have to deal with the fallout of a ****ty divorce (i.e. going bankrupt).

 

I got lucky. Something didn't feel right about her so I delayed the marriage until things eventually unfold. The one thing I did right was that I protected my asset..

[Gotplayed2015]

Have you travelled to other parts of the world before?

 

There are a lot of men and women out there who would do a lot for a visa to a country like yours or mine.

 

Here we call them Visa Whores.

 

I am so sorry that you had to learn about this the way you did.

 

Kindest Regards,

Poppy

 

Thank you. I have only traveled to Thailand only. I thought I knew her well enough and was blindly in love. Big lesson to learn but it could have been worse. The thought of her sleeping with another man still haunts me.

[Gotplayed2015]

Here is some advice on relationships.

 

1. Slowly reveal the crazy. We all have something about us that is, for want of a better word, crazy. Don't hide it. Let it out, slowly.

 

2. Don't overwhelm folks. You are not trying to get a GF on the first date. Take it slow. You and they have some crazy to reveal. Let that play out. They have a life too and want to reveal stuff about themselves. Let them. It means you have to shut up.

 

3. Be you from the start. While it seems to counter point 1, it does not. If you are a star wars fan, cosplayer, chat room, books, and poster kind of guy, that is the crazy. Slow it down, Not every conversation needs to be about that. Still, let them know that you are a huge fan. Don't try to be "Rico Suave" (80's song reference), if you are really a nerd.

 

4. Don't hunt hungry. If you are relationship starved, then you are jumping on anything and everything and thereby violating the first 3 rules.

 

5. No one is out of your league nor are you above anyone. Looks and substance are different things. Looks fade, but not substance. If you like what you see, talk to them. Follow rules 1-4.

 

6. Not everyone you meet is on the market. Get to know people as people and not as mate potential. Amazingly, you may find a mate. Why? Because we tend to get to know and interact with folks with similar interest. Similar crazy, similar interest, similar hangouts.

 

7. Stop trying so hard. Failed relationships are a good thing. You learn about you and others. Its not about winning this one, its about winning when you find the best fit for you.

 

Awesome advice! This will be a great resource for the future. I need to be me. That's key. I will never again tell a woman what I do for a living until they get to know me first. They have to accept my "crazies". A prenuptial agreement is also important. I will no longer flirt or try to hook up with every hot girl I come across but rather get to know people and make friends only. I use to think every woman I meet are singles. But this dosent matter anymore as I am learning to be more humble. I'm learning to be a man.

[Chi townD]

Be thankful that you didn't marry her. Because, if you did, dollars to donuts, you would have been sponsoring the rest of her family to come over.

[Gotplayed2015]

Be thankful that you didn't marry her. Because, if you did, dollars to donuts, you would have been sponsoring the rest of her family to come over.

 

The divorce would have been a mess $$$.