Rebound relationship? Should I move on?

[TableTop]

I told my ex girlfriend back in September (we dated for 18 months), that I needed some time to think about our relationship (3 weeks). I never really thought about the relationship. I just played video games and did all the things I couldn't do as much when I was with her. I felt suffocated with her, but realized she just wanted my love and affection. I took her for granted in our relationship, for example she always slept at my house and I would never go to hers. I was selfish. During this time frame she begged me back and everything. I said I needed time to think and kept saying no. But I never ignored her. I stayed in contact.

 

Then I broke up with her in October. Reason I broke up with her because she kept nagging me for a commitment. I wouldn't tell her I loved her. The commitment thing freaked me out. I told her I felt differently about our relationship for awhile and dumped her because I felt like I was always trying to impress her or let her know I cared and loved her without telling her I loved her. She came to the conclusion I was just not that into her. I never went out looking for other girls or a better life after I dumped her, I really just was being immature and scared of true love. Then 8 days later she called me in the middle of the night because she was very sick (it was caused from the stress of the breakup). She came over we hooked up I took her to the hospital and we spent the weekend together. This is when I started pursuing her more, because I really did miss her but I was still having a hard time expressing my emotions ( I have fixed this with no contact).

 

Then for about the next two weeks I noticed she wasn't contacting me as much but I was still trying to hang out with her and she would agree to hang out. I was busy with work so I couldn't make time, and she was too. It was hard finding time. Then finally I realized I made a mistake about 3 weeks after I dumped her. I begged for her back, flowers, letter all that stuff. She kept on saying we needed to take it slow and that she started moving on the day I broke up with her. She made comments like We aren't dating just yet. I did put a lot of pressure on her with begging. She stayed over a few nights but wouldn't let me kiss her because I told her we shouldn't of hooked up that night if it only meant physical attraction to her and she wasn't emotionally connected like I was.

 

So we started hanging out more but I noticed something was a little different. I lost my job and she told my friend that I was only begging for her back was because I was lonely (but I started begging before I lost my job, the begging only lasted a week). I now have a job a still feel the same way (miss her very much). I got wind she was talking to another guy (only a few weeks after our breakup). And she was talking to me and him. So I went no contact for 21 days instantly. She never reached out to me either during this time. I was very emotional and distraught so I felt no contact was appropriate. But instead of her pursuing me she just went to the other guy (I never bad mouthed this guy or anything).

 

After no contact I apologized for being emotional and begging and she said no worries and was glad to see me doing well. I texted her a few days later no response. Then I waited a week and messaged her about a causal meet up to amend things and she said she doesn't want to talk to me about anything and have a great holiday and there are no hard feelings between us. I said back to her I was sorry for interfering with her relationship and I will leave her alone (went no contact again), no response. It's been about 2 weeks since then and I am unsure of what to do.

 

It seems like a rebound relationship because it started early November, a month after we broke up. Her friends are saying they are surprised she's in a relationship already and that they are always together. I don't want to push her towards this guy (so I Havnt been contacting her), and I have been working on my self and know what I did wrong. This break up really made me wake up and grow up and I feel it has changed her as well. But for that to happen I really hurt my exes feelings. For me to grow I had to hurt her, which isn't fair. I feel like a very mature human now and know how to express myself but now I am trying to make things work with my ex (first time I have had my heart broken). My ex always said I don't care for her and I looked at her as a take it or leave it type deal (that's how I treated her in our relationship). When I was begging for her back I even proposed getting back together for 3 months and seeing if we can work on things. She said no and that she needs to find a guy now that is drop dead in love with her and that she needs to be married by the time she is 30. I don't want to jump back into a relationship but I want to show her I have changed and let her decide if she sees us in a long term relationship. Because I want her to be happy and not just me because relationships won't last if only one person is happy. I just want another chance to start with a clean slate. Overall it has been 3months a week since I told her I needed a break. What should I do? Continue no contact? Try and talk to her? Let the relationship run its course? But how will I know when to re enter her life?

Edited December 26, 2015 by TableTop
Shorter title

[losangelena]

I told my ex girlfriend back in September (we dated for 18 months), that I needed some time to think about our relationship (3 weeks). I never really thought about the relationship. I just played video games and did all the things I couldn't do as much when I was with her. I felt suffocated with her, but realized she just wanted my love and affection. I took her for granted in our relationship, for example she always slept at my house and I would never go to hers. I was selfish. During this time frame she begged me back and everything. I said I needed time to think and kept saying no. But I never ignored her. I stayed in contact.

 

Then I broke up with her in October. Reason I broke up with her because she kept nagging me for a commitment. I wouldn't tell her I loved her. The commitment thing freaked me out. I told her I felt differently about our relationship for awhile and dumped her because I felt like I was always trying to impress her or let her know I cared and loved her without telling her I loved her. She came to the conclusion I was just not that into her. I never went out looking for other girls or a better life after I dumped her, I really just was being immature and scared of true love. Then 8 days later she called me in the middle of the night because she was very sick (it was caused from the stress of the breakup). She came over we hooked up I took her to the hospital and we spent the weekend together. This is when I started pursuing her more, because I really did miss her but I was still having a hard time expressing my emotions ( I have fixed this with no contact).

 

Then for about the next two weeks I noticed she wasn't contacting me as much but I was still trying to hang out with her and she would agree to hang out. I was busy with work so I couldn't make time, and she was too. It was hard finding time. Then finally I realized I made a mistake about 3 weeks after I dumped her. I begged for her back, flowers, letter all that stuff. She kept on saying we needed to take it slow and that she started moving on the day I broke up with her. She made comments like We aren't dating just yet. I did put a lot of pressure on her with begging. She stayed over a few nights but wouldn't let me kiss her because I told her we shouldn't of hooked up that night if it only meant physical attraction to her and she wasn't emotionally connected like I was.

 

So we started hanging out more but I noticed something was a little different. I lost my job and she told my friend that I was only begging for her back was because I was lonely (but I started begging before I lost my job, the begging only lasted a week). I now have a job a still feel the same way (miss her very much). I got wind she was talking to another guy (only a few weeks after our breakup). And she was talking to me and him. So I went no contact for 21 days instantly. She never reached out to me either during this time. I was very emotional and distraught so I felt no contact was appropriate. But instead of her pursuing me she just went to the other guy (I never bad mouthed this guy or anything).

 

After no contact I apologized for being emotional and begging and she said no worries and was glad to see me doing well. I texted her a few days later no response. Then I waited a week and messaged her about a causal meet up to amend things and she said she doesn't want to talk to me about anything and have a great holiday and there are no hard feelings between us. I said back to her I was sorry for interfering with her relationship and I will leave her alone (went no contact again), no response. It's been about 2 weeks since then and I am unsure of what to do.

 

It seems like a rebound relationship because it started early November, a month after we broke up. Her friends are saying they are surprised she's in a relationship already and that they are always together. I don't want to push her towards this guy (so I Havnt been contacting her), and I have been working on my self and know what I did wrong. This break up really made me wake up and grow up and I feel it has changed her as well. But for that to happen I really hurt my exes feelings. For me to grow I had to hurt her, which isn't fair. I feel like a very mature human now and know how to express myself but now I am trying to make things work with my ex (first time I have had my heart broken). My ex always said I don't care for her and I looked at her as a take it or leave it type deal (that's how I treated her in our relationship). When I was begging for her back I even proposed getting back together for 3 months and seeing if we can work on things. She said no and that she needs to find a guy now that is drop dead in love with her and that she needs to be married by the time she is 30. I don't want to jump back into a relationship but I want to show her I have changed and let her decide if she sees us in a long term relationship. Because I want her to be happy and not just me because relationships won't last if only one person is happy. I just want another chance to start with a clean slate. Overall it has been 3months a week since I told her I needed a break. What should I do? Continue no contact? Try and talk to her? Let the relationship run its course? But how will I know when to re enter her life?

 

I feel like my ex could have written the bolded. It's really spooky.

 

Because of that I will and give you the most unbiased advice I can.

 

Two things: 1) I don't think you can mature so much in three month's time, and 2) I think you should take what you've learned from this relationship and apply it to a new one with a different woman. I don't think trying to get back into her life will ultimately end well. I think right now you miss her and realize maybe the mistakes you made, but it will probably be impossible for her to trust you again. I know if my ex ever came back, I would have a very hard time taking him back.

 

What you've learned is good and it's healthy and I think your next time out you won't make the same mistakes. But I would leave this one alone if I were you.

[TableTop]

I agree with that it does take more than 3 months but I have been actively fixing myself because I never want to feel this pain again. That first part in bold came off a little wrong, that was during the 3 week break, I never put any thought into the relationship during that time. During our relationship I was always thinking about what I could do to improve.

 

Thank you for the quick response this helps out a lot. I would like to hear others opinions as well.

[partycity]

Have you tried talking to her ? Even if you talk to her, you just said you don't want to be in a relationship . So why do you want her then ? What for

[TableTop]

Have you tried talking to her ? Even if you talk to her, you just said you don't want to be in a relationship . So why do you want her then ? What for

 

I do want to be in a relationship with her (that came off wrong in my original post), but I want to show to her that I've changed and she can trust me. I understand you can't just hop right back into a relationship you need to take it slow.

[partycity]

Perhaps talking to her like friends ? Caring for her ? Don't say you want to be friends or it will emphasize an exact friend zone which you might be trapped in . See what Happens ?

[alicia59]

Try being friends first before you jump into the relationship. That will help reassure her you're okay taking things slow. Talk and laugh like the old times. No hooking up until you're committed so she doesn't think you want FWB.

[opalant]

you sound just like my ex. you didn't treat her right and now you're getting the repercussions of it. leave the poor girl alone, she's trying to move on from a relationship that just didn't make her happy. you can't expect her to wait around for you to decide if you do love her, if after over a year you don't know that yet there's a problem. your girlfriend just wanted love and attention from you which you couldn't/didn't want to give her at the time, and now she's finding it somewhere else. learn from this and just don't do it to the next girl.

[TableTop]

Try being friends first before you jump into the relationship. That will help reassure her you're okay taking things slow. Talk and laugh like the old times. No hooking up until you're committed so she doesn't think you want FWB.

 

Yes I agree with you but I am going to give it a lot of time before I reach out to her because I know she is trying to move on and I do not want to interfere with that. I know she wants her relationship with her new bf to work so I am leaving her alone, I even told her I would leave her alone. As of now I am not doing anything that is in my interest.

[TableTop]

you sound just like my ex. you didn't treat her right and now you're getting the repercussions of it. leave the poor girl alone, she's trying to move on from a relationship that just didn't make her happy. you can't expect her to wait around for you to decide if you do love her, if after over a year you don't know that yet there's a problem. your girlfriend just wanted love and attention from you which you couldn't/didn't want to give her at the time, and now she's finding it somewhere else. learn from this and just don't do it to the next girl.

 

I agree I am leaving her alone because I know how much I hurt her, when I begged her i know how much I confused her. You are right she is finding it somewhere else and I do not want to interfere with her and her new bf. I do love her and I did realize it in that year but I was not man enough to commit and that is why i need to deal with these consequences. I appreciate the honesty, this comment has helped me as I do want a long lasting relationship with her but I know it would have to be on her terms (which is highly unlikely), as of now I am moving on but living my life with this regret.

[Nickr3023]

I agree I am leaving her alone because I know how much I hurt her, when I begged her i know how much I confused her. You are right she is finding it somewhere else and I do not want to interfere with her and her new bf. I do love her and I did realize it in that year but I was not man enough to commit and that is why i need to deal with these consequences. I appreciate the honesty, this comment has helped me as I do want a long lasting relationship with her but I know it would have to be on her terms (which is highly unlikely), as of now I am moving on but living my life with this regret.

 

No such thing as regrets, just lessons. Good people make bad decisions all the time, it's called being human. We've all messed up relationships, and we've all been screwed over by someone we loved. It sucks being on either end of it. I agree with the other poster though, learn from these mistakes and find another relationship to apply it to. Because unfortunately, once trust is broken, it's nearly impossible to get it back. It's not worth being in a relationship without trust, it's emotionally crippling for both parties. The one trying to gain someone's trust back works so incredibly hard to do it, but it may never happen. And the person that's trying to trust again simply can't get it out of their mind. Ever hear the quote "trust is like a broken mirror, you can fix it if broken, but you'll always see the cracks in the reflection".

[TableTop]

No such thing as regrets, just lessons. Good people make bad decisions all the time, it's called being human. We've all messed up relationships, and we've all been screwed over by someone we loved. It sucks being on either end of it. I agree with the other poster though, learn from these mistakes and find another relationship to apply it to. Because unfortunately, once trust is broken, it's nearly impossible to get it back. It's not worth being in a relationship without trust, it's emotionally crippling for both parties. The one trying to gain someone's trust back works so incredibly hard to do it, but it may never happen. And the person that's trying to trust again simply can't get it out of their mind. Ever hear the quote "trust is like a broken mirror, you can fix it if broken, but you'll always see the cracks in the reflection".

 

This is something I needed to hear. As much as it hurt, I do believe it is true. I am just holding onto the fact that it may workout one day and hoping we cross paths. But you are right this is a lesson learned and I need to apply it to whoever I meet next. I now know it is better to talk about your emotions and feelings rather then bottling them up like I was and to be a man and to commit instead of second guessing myself.

[Nickr3023]

This is something I needed to hear. As much as it hurt, I do believe it is true. I am just holding onto the fact that it may workout one day and hoping we cross paths. But you are right this is a lesson learned and I need to apply it to whoever I meet next. I now know it is better to talk about your emotions and feelings rather then bottling them up like I was and to be a man and to commit instead of second guessing myself.

 

This whole idea that men have to be this emotional rock at all times is very disturbing. When I was 25 I felt the same exact way. You can't show your emotions if you're a man, is what your mind tells you or your friends tell you. Now that I'm 33, I've learned that's a bunch of bull****. Bottling up emotions and feelings and not letting them out, especially to the person you love, is a sign that you're not with the right person. If you were with the right person you would know that you could tell them how you're feeling and you wouldn't be fearful of them making it worse. You would know that they would handle it with love and care.

[TableTop]

This whole idea that men have to be this emotional rock at all times is very disturbing. When I was 25 I felt the same exact way. You can't show your emotions if you're a man, is what your mind tells you or your friends tell you. Now that I'm 33, I've learned that's a bunch of bull****. Bottling up emotions and feelings and not letting them out, especially to the person you love, is a sign that you're not with the right person. If you were with the right person you would know that you could tell them how you're feeling and you wouldn't be fearful of them making it worse. You would know that they would handle it with love and care.

 

I agree with you, in my relationship before this one i was like an emotional rock, but I made the right call with her. She ended up cheating and I wasnt phased because I could not open up to her. But with this past relationship I was trying so hard to be an emotional rock. There were even times where I caved and told her I loved her and how much I cared about her and then took it back. That's how much commitment scared me. Let me tell you when I did open up to her it felt good really good but then I went back to being an emotional rock. I actually just got done reading your story man. You have been through it all and you have a very credit worthy opinion. I hope everything is getting better for you. I hope you are getting through everything because we are both going through tough times.

[Nickr3023]

I agree with you, in my relationship before this one i was like an emotional rock, but I made the right call with her. She ended up cheating and I wasnt phased because I could not open up to her. But with this past relationship I was trying so hard to be an emotional rock. There were even times where I caved and told her I loved her and how much I cared about her and then took it back. That's how much commitment scared me. Let me tell you when I did open up to her it felt good really good but then I went back to being an emotional rock. I actually just got done reading your story man. You have been through it all and you have a very credit worthy opinion. I hope everything is getting better for you. I hope you are getting through everything because we are both going through tough times.

 

Thank you for actually taking the time and reading that. I don't claim to know everything, or actually anything really. I just know what I've gone through, and it's absolutely horrible. I wish I could say things have gotten better, but I'm not really sure if they have. This most recent relationship really just dug up all the bad stuff from my past. The depression, anxiety, OCD, self esteem issues....brought them all back to the forefront and amplified them. I've started counseling to try and get help for them all, but it's a brutal process with many bad days and nights in there.

[TableTop]

Thank you for actually taking the time and reading that. I don't claim to know everything, or actually anything really. I just know what I've gone through, and it's absolutely horrible. I wish I could say things have gotten better, but I'm not really sure if they have. This most recent relationship really just dug up all the bad stuff from my past. The depression, anxiety, OCD, self esteem issues....brought them all back to the forefront and amplified them. I've started counseling to try and get help for them all, but it's a brutal process with many bad days and nights in there.

 

I am right there with you. Everything has been dug up with me, being emtionless, stubborness, OCD, and my lack of confidence I had in the past. You probably already know this, but my advice is alot of self reflecting and making active changes right now. Find something you are passionate about. Beat yourself up a little bit thats what I did but dont let it get out of hand. These are the moments that change people and I can see this truly changed me. Even my friends have noticed it. They say I am better person, and that is why I am so torn because even after everything I still have love for my ex. If you ever need to talk just reach out.

[Nickr3023]

I am right there with you. Everything has been dug up with me, being emtionless, stubborness, OCD, and my lack of confidence I had in the past. You probably already know this, but my advice is alot of self reflecting and making active changes right now. Find something you are passionate about. Beat yourself up a little bit thats what I did but dont let it get out of hand. These are the moments that change people and I can see this truly changed me. Even my friends have noticed it. They say I am better person, and that is why I am so torn because even after everything I still have love for my ex. If you ever need to talk just reach out.

 

One of my friends literally just said this 30 seconds ago to me. "Maybe this entire thing is for the better, maybe it was all meant to bring you're troubles to the forefront of your life and for you to start working on you, for only you." Maybe that's what this tumultuous relationship was there for. To teach me that I need to fix myself. I don't really know. Logically speaking, that makes sense. But the emotional side of me still stupidly misses her....or maybe I just miss being with someone. So as you can see, my head still spins.

[TableTop]

One of my friends literally just said this 30 seconds ago to me. "Maybe this entire thing is for the better, maybe it was all meant to bring you're troubles to the forefront of your life and for you to start working on you, for only you." Maybe that's what this tumultuous relationship was there for. To teach me that I need to fix myself. I don't really know. Logically speaking, that makes sense. But the emotional side of me still stupidly misses her....or maybe I just miss being with someone. So as you can see, my head still spins.

 

Its funny how the world works sometime and I believe things like this do happen for a reason. But its up to the person whether they want to learn the hard way or the easy way. In my case I unfortunately had to learn the hard way. With that being said time will fix the emotional side of you.

[Nickr3023]

Its funny how the world works sometime and I believe things like this do happen for a reason. But its up to the person whether they want to learn the hard way or the easy way. In my case I unfortunately had to learn the hard way. With that being said time will fix the emotional side of you.

 

I'm yet to find an instance where you learn anything the easy way haha. Seems like almost all life lessons come from mistakes and trauma. You can hear all the advice you want, hell you can give someone in your same exact situation advice....but when it comes to yourself in the situation, it feels like you're completely lost and don't know what to do. I find myself giving all this wonderful advice out, yet I sit here most days staring at my computer or constantly obsessing over what went wrong, why did this happen, how much i miss having her in my life.