Glen123 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Hi, long term reader, first time writer... my GF broke up with me about a month ago, we were together 4 years. she had dropped hints of marriage for 2 years plus. even as recently as 2 months ago, and talking about having kids 4-6 months ago. the reasons for our breakup seem to be we just drifted apart the last 6 months, but i really think it stemmed from me not proposing. and she grew to resent me. she has always known i wasnt a fan of marriage but i guess thought she could change that. i dont want to lose her for the sake of a ring, if i'd known she would do this i would have proposed earlier, i knew i would have to one day. i love her and would do it for her. we spoke about marriage during the breakup and it seemed to be a factor but not the deciding factor seemingly. im seriously considering proposing to her, but i think it might be too late, and its not really the most ideal circumstances, having not seen her for weeks and her maybe falling out of love with me... it wouldnt be how she pictured the moment, and definitely not how i pictured it. but may be the only way to salvage the relationship... i'm stuck what to do!!? any thoughts
losangelena Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Hi, long term reader, first time writer... my GF broke up with me about a month ago, we were together 4 years. she had dropped hints of marriage for 2 years plus. even as recently as 2 months ago, and talking about having kids 4-6 months ago. the reasons for our breakup seem to be we just drifted apart the last 6 months, but i really think it stemmed from me not proposing. and she grew to resent me. she has always known i wasnt a fan of marriage but i guess thought she could change that. i dont want to lose her for the sake of a ring, if i'd known she would do this i would have proposed earlier, i knew i would have to one day. i love her and would do it for her. we spoke about marriage during the breakup and it seemed to be a factor but not the deciding factor seemingly. im seriously considering proposing to her, but i think it might be too late, and its not really the most ideal circumstances, having not seen her for weeks and her maybe falling out of love with me... it wouldnt be how she pictured the moment, and definitely not how i pictured it. but may be the only way to salvage the relationship... i'm stuck what to do!!? any thoughts I don't think proposing to save your relationship is a good idea. Neither is dating someone with the hopes that you can change them. If you don't want to get married, why would you be willing to propose? I think you miss her, and that's natural, but if you want to reconcile with her, don't just pop the question. Try and reopen the lines of communication and see what happens. Have a conversation about it first. Maybe she doesn't realize you're open to marriage if you've said you're not interested. Don't just pop the question. 1
Author Glen123 Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 I just see marriage as such a trivial thing, like its not needed. I’m indifferent to whether there is a ring on my finger or not, it doesn’t change my commitment to my girlfriend in any way. But lately ive been thinking is that selfish of me. If im indifferent, but she really wants it, how does it really affect me to give that to her. Aren’t relationships about compromise… But you are right, proposing to save the relationship isn’t a good start to a marriage! Im just coming to realise marriage/weddings are much more for the bride and they have been thinking about this for years. I don’t know…
CarrieT Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I just see marriage as such a trivial thing, like its not needed. I’m indifferent to whether there is a ring on my finger or not, it doesn’t change my commitment to my girlfriend in any way. But it apparently is a big deal to her. And it isn't just the ceremony of the wedding. If marriage is a trivial thing to you and was something your Ex wanted, than you two will never be 100% compatible and it won't save the relationship. Move on and find someone with the same sensibilities towards love and having a life-partner vs. a wife. If you were to propose and she accepted, she would know that it was something you did out of desperation and would not have the same philosophical meaning to you than it would to her. That is a big divide in a relationship and would drive you two apart in the future. She would always question the relationship as well as the marriage. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I just see marriage as such a trivial thing, like its not needed. I’m indifferent to whether there is a ring on my finger or not, it doesn’t change my commitment to my girlfriend in any way. But lately ive been thinking is that selfish of me. If im indifferent, but she really wants it, how does it really affect me to give that to her. Aren’t relationships about compromise… No, not in this case, absolutely not. THis is about devotion, commitment and being resolutely on the same page and of the same mind. Here's the thing: "I have realised that she is the most important person in my life, I have been an absolute and total idiot to let her go, and I now realise I want to marry her and be with her for the rest of my natural-born days. I cannot imagine life without her, and I finally understand how important marriage is to her, because I've finally seen that my marrying her is the one thing I want more than anything else." ...Is what you should be thinking, without being prompted. As it's patently obvious you would be considering marriage as a tactic to get her back, as opposed to being the main objective and your 'raison d'être', it would be highly advisable for you to consider this relationship over. 2
NewPerspective93 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 If you see it as trivial and she doesn't that is huge difference. If you genuinely don't want to get married because of implications, etc., don't propose because you think it will bring her back. Right now, you are trying to reason with her by giving her "marriage" while she gives you her time/attention/commitment. Don't do that. To be honest, it's over. If she ended it because you were "drifting" apart, no pleading from you is going to salvage that, especially a last attempt at proposing to her. If anything, it comes off as pathetic. Move on, bro. 1
basil67 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I just see marriage as such a trivial thing, like its not needed. I’m indifferent to whether there is a ring on my finger or not, it doesn’t change my commitment to my girlfriend in any way. But lately ive been thinking is that selfish of me. If im indifferent, but she really wants it, how does it really affect me to give that to her. Aren’t relationships about compromise… But you are right, proposing to save the relationship isn’t a good start to a marriage! Im just coming to realise marriage/weddings are much more for the bride and they have been thinking about this for years. I don’t know… I'm a woman and am also ambivalent about marriage. Over the years I've pondered the question of a person like me getting married to someone who places a high value on it. I've come to the conclusion that a marriage is worthless if one party views it as trivial. 1
Author Glen123 Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 Pretty clear consensus so far lol! I should clarify, she is the most important person in my life, and I do understand how important marriage is to her (well I do now!!), and hence the reason for wanting to propose and why its important to me now. Not put as eloquently as above, but that is how I feel. Our devotion and commitment has always been on the same page, subject to the importance of a ring on the finger. We have been very verbal about how we feel about each other (and kids and future), and this breakup was a huge shock to me. 3 months ago if you told me I’d be writing this I’d say you’re crazy, we will be together always. The difference between us it seems is that I was already committed but she sees marriage as the real commitment, not just a ceremony/rite of passage. I underestimated how important it is to her, and how important it should have been to me. Either way I need to give it more thought and time, but appreciate all the feedback:)
newmoon Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 she dropped hints for 2 years? and now, after the break-up, you decide the time is right? she made a good choice to leave you and all you're trying to do now is win her back somehow b/c you're lonely. you must be young, or really slow on the uptake. 2
bathtub-row Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 No one who really loved you will fall out of love with you in a few weeks. Seriously. If there are no other deal breakers in your relationship, and you really don't want to lose her, then you should go out and buy a gorgeous ring. Then meet with her, tell her you've been an idiot and ask her to marry you. It's really quite simple. 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 she dropped hints for 2 years? and now, after the break-up, you decide the time is right? she made a good choice to leave you and all you're trying to do now is win her back somehow b/c you're lonely. you must be young, or really slow on the uptake. ^^ This. ^^ You only had an apparent 'change of heart, when you read my post. It's not that you didn't put it eloquently. Its that you actually wrote what you meant. No amount of back-pedalling now, will re-gain what you thought you had, then. If she were to reconsider any approach you might make, she will always know at the back of her mind, that you only said it to get her back, not because marriage truly - as a commitment, an institution, a stalwart of some social standing - means JUST AS MUCH to you, as it does to her.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) I should clarify, she is the most important person in my life, and I do understand how important marriage is to her (well I do now!!), It should never have taken this long, or for her to dump you, for you to realise this.... and hence the reason for wanting to propose and why its important to me now. Not put as eloquently as above, but that is how I feel. I don't believe you. More importantly, neither will she. Our devotion and commitment has always been on the same page, In your mind, maybe... subject to the importance of a ring on the finger. ...In hers, obviously not. We have been very verbal about how we feel about each other (and kids and future), and this breakup was a huge shock to me. 3 months ago if you told me I’d be writing this I’d say you’re crazy, we will be together always. Being verbal is fine. Being audial is vital. You listened. You just weren't HEARING her.... The difference between us it seems is that I was already committed but she sees marriage as the real commitment, not just a ceremony/rite of passage. Precisely. So to be honest, the only person who believed you were on the same page about everything - was you. Poor Communication. Conversation is 'putting out'. Communication is 'getting through'. She never got through to you, because you closed off to the idea. I underestimated how important it is to her, and how important it should have been to me. No, I don't think you underestimated it at all. I think you IGNORED it. Either way I need to give it more thought and time, but appreciate all the feedback:) Time - is one thing you do NOT have. If you try to go back too quickly, she will believe that it's just to get her back and placate her, not because Marriage is truly, honestly, what you want, for yourself, not just for her, if that's what would make her happy. If you leave it too long, she will become accustomed to the fact that this is over, and will understand that you frankly, agree. This relationship isn't marriage material, and you've resigned yourself to the break. Edited December 27, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 1
Author Glen123 Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 I think you have hit the nail on the head with nearly everything there! The only part I can say is incorrect is that I meant what I wrote earlier. The proposal is important to me now because I realise how important it is to her, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. And yes I should have realised a long time ago. I never thought it would break us up, stupid I know. I maintain my initial thoughts on marriage – I don’t think its needed in a committed relationship. But if that’s what real commitment means to her then I should have listened, heard, communicated and actioned! I didn’t! and I regret it. And I think you are right again about the time factor, this has a low chance of ending as I would like with either scenario, but this is why I’m posting, to get advice, I definitely don’t have all the answers…. sincerely thank you for your reply! its hard to think straight and i appreciate it!
lolablue17 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) To tell you the truth, I don't understand why do you let everyone to decide for you. I've read the others replies, and I think many of them are wise insights about your situation. But many of them judge you, judge her, and more crucial: they pretend to predict how will she reply to your proposing (negatively of course). I think that they may be right, and may be wrong, why do you let others to gamble with your life? Many couples get marry when one side is more stressed than the other about it. For me you admit you were stupid by not proposing earlier, and now you regret. These are no improper reasons. I can tell that you're craving to propose because you miss her and want to leave the rest of your life with her. These are legitimate reasons. The only problem you have is that she might not accept your proposal. Well, you lost her anyway, so you really have nothing to lose. I'd advice you to go today, buy a nice ring, buy flowers, ask to meet her urgently and propose. She will say YES or NO. If she says no, bring the ring back and move on, knowing that you did all you can. By the way, you might be surprise to find out that she broke up with you not because of the proposing issue at all. Do it today. Why today?Because you want to. :-) Edited December 27, 2015 by lolablue17 4
bathtub-row Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I agree with lolablue. If you don't want to lose this girl, then what she expects you to do is move mountains to get her back. If you don't fight for her, you'll only convince her that she was right to leave you in the first place. I have heard about this very scenario numerous times. Girl wants to get married. She waits. She drops hints. Nothing happens. She leaves. Guy wakes up and marries her. End of story. Dare to be bold, tell her how you feel, and ask her to marry you. Even if she doesn't respond positively right away, your words will have a huge effect on her. Let them sink in for a couple of days and then try again. If you really love her, you'll swallow your fears and do what it takes to get her back. One word of caution: be very, very sure that you want to marry her because if she takes you back and you even hint at getting cold feet, or if you talk about delaying the wedding, etc, she will not forgive you a second time. Be sure about your decision and don't waiver from it. 3
preraph Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I just see marriage as such a trivial thing, like its not needed. I’m indifferent to whether there is a ring on my finger or not, it doesn’t change my commitment to my girlfriend in any way. But lately ive been thinking is that selfish of me. If im indifferent, but she really wants it, how does it really affect me to give that to her. Aren’t relationships about compromise… But you are right, proposing to save the relationship isn’t a good start to a marriage! Im just coming to realise marriage/weddings are much more for the bride and they have been thinking about this for years. I don’t know… So let's say you got in an auto accident and were in the hospital with a brain injury, unable to represent yourself and incompetent at least temporarily. Who would you want making the decisions on your care? If it's your parents, well that is who will be able to do it. She would have no say in it unless you marry her. Let's say you were living together and you died. Would you want your essential belongings to go to her so she could survive or would you rather parents and siblings got everything? Because that's what would happen if you're not married. If you and she have a child, do you want the child to go through life knowing you didn't care enough to commit to the child's mother, even though you had a kid with her? That you were holding out because of some trivial (your word) notion or bias you hold that's more important than committing and giving dignity and legitimacy to the relationship, to the woman you supposedly love, and to your child? Look, I've been single my whole life. Marriage isn't for everyone, but what -- what is the point of being as good as married but holding out for some trivial reason when you could instead be making a woman and a child proud that you declared your commitment and love to them in a genuine way. If you think you need to be single because you don't think you can be faithful, then do everyone a favor and don't marry her or anyone else and don't have kids. If that truly has nothing to do with it, it means a lot to her and to a kid and is trivial to you, so there's your answer. If you decide to ask her, don't approach it from a grudging standpoint -- welll, if it's THAT important to you, whatever..... If you're going to do it and have a shot at redeeming yourself, you better lead with you realize now how much you'd miss her if she wasn't in your life and that you want to make that permanent if she's willing (and pull out the ring). Good luck. 1
turnera Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I just see marriage as such a trivial thing, like its not needed. I’m indifferent to whether there is a ring on my finger or not, it doesn’t change my commitment to my girlfriend in any way. Now, see, you've known all along it was important, you CHOSE NOT TO CARE. This isn't about whether she'll love you enough to take you back. It's about you not caring enough about what makes HER happy. That's not love. That's selfishness. My take is you need to take some time alone to learn to be more empathetic for other people. You took her for granted. You ignored her. At this stage, you don't deserve her back. You need to EARN her back. 1
Author Glen123 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Thank you all! Unsuccessful thus far! I did go and get a ring and I did ask her, and I did say I was an idiot etc! She spent half an hour on and off crying, she has been wanting this for years and now can’t bring herself to accept it – says she loves me but we’ve drifted too far apart, its been a tough 3-4 months for her – which I do feel as well, but thought we could bring it back. I fully respect her decision and to be honest I think we probably both need space now. Its like a huge weight has lifted though, I was so open with her and put all my cards on the table, she knows exactly how I feel, and I her. Its only been a month apart and really only 2 weeks of clear space – who knows what the future holds. I won’t pressure her again, there is plenty of emotion there, but I don’t want to marry her unless she wants it just as much as me. (now the shoe is on the other foot lol!!) I did take her for granted, and do need time on my own, so time will tell:)
bathtub-row Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Ok. Good. Then just leave it alone for awhile. Next month, see if she wants to meet you for dinner. No pressure, just see if a new connection can be made just as friends for now. See where it goes. It's true that sometimes too much damage can be done but in this case I'm not sure that has happened. I would say that you need to be somewhat persist because she needs to know that you'll fight for her. Don't underestimate how important this is to her. 2
Anderlie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Ummm late to the game here but if you both felt the relationship was wavering the last few months why on earth are you trying to bring it back with a proposal? You both should be seriously thinking about whether or not you're right for each other at all, not trying to patch it over with rash decisions. Maybe I'm being harsh but this woman loved you but not enough to stay with you if you didn't marry her. You weren't enough just as you were. You, on the other hand, loved her but not enough to give her the one thing she wanted most in the world (doing it in a panic doesn't count). She wasn't enough because she wanted more. Think about it. Get counselling if you need to but just think about it.
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