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2 years on, how do I let this go?


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Posted
That is defiitely a good strategy, i may ask him to try that with me.

 

But you are right obviously my way of finding closure is not working so i need to find a new way even if that means it is internally by myself.

 

I definitely do not want to end the marriage, ww have way too much in our relationship to let go od over this, i knew that from the beginning or i would have just left after he spent the night with her.

 

Hopefully speaking to him with this new mentality and with a therapist will give me some guidance in how to overcome this.

 

 

 

 

Every BS has their own level of the need to know. Unless that level has been meet the BS will be haunted by needing answers to their questions.

 

 

This has nothing to do with how long the affair was, how long ago the affair was, or to how much was done in the affair.

 

 

It is am I forgiving based on a lie. Am I forgiving something that if I knew I could not forgive. Trust has been broken. The BS can not heal with the trust in the marriage staying broken. A WS that refuses to tell the BS what they need to know only leads the BS to doubt as the years go by what else is my WS lying to me about. Having a BS worrying how do I know is my WS now being honest is not conducive to having a good marriage.

 

 

Worse thing a BS can do is to settle for less information then they need.

 

 

Another waste of time is to ask why questions. There is never a good answer.

 

 

You need to tell your WH that you being left with unanswered questions keeps the affair alive in you everyday memory. That for the affair memories to fade you need your answers.

 

 

Though I will say this as the BS learns facts they can never be unlearned. So you need to think do I really need this.

 

 

Also be warned that once you have your truth you may no loner want to continue your marriage. And that will not be your fault but a consequence of the actions that your WH did.

 

 

Though I have seen many a WS and BS where the facts of the affair were much worse then what happened in your relationship and they were able to recover their marriage and be happy.

 

 

You must decide for yourself how much truth that you need know. Because someone does not want to know much or that someone must be told everything is what is right for them. You must do what is right for you.

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Posted
Every BS has their own level of the need to know. Unless that level has been meet the BS will be haunted by needing answers to their questions.

 

 

This has nothing to do with how long the affair was, how long ago the affair was, or to how much was done in

It is am I forgiving based on a lie. Am I forgiving something that if I knew I could not forgive. Trust has been broken. The BS can not heal with the trust in the marriage staying broken. A WS that refuses to tell the BS what they need to know only leads the BS to doubt as the years go by what else is my WS lying to me about. Having a BS worrying how do I know is my WS now being honest is not conducive to having a good marriage.

 

 

Worse thing a BS can do is to settle for less information then they need.

 

 

Another waste of time is to ask why questions. There is never a good answer.

 

 

You need to tell your WH that you being left with unanswered questions keeps the affair alive in you everyday memory. That for the affair memories to fade you need your answers.

 

 

Though I will say this as the BS learns facts they can never be unlearned. So you need to think do I really need this.

 

 

Also be warned that once you have your truth you may no loner want to continue your marriage. And that will not be your fault but a consequence of the actions that your WH did.

 

 

Though I have seen many a WS and BS where the facts of the affair were much worse then what happened in your relationship and they were able to recover their marriage and be happy.

 

 

You must decide for yourself how much truth that you need know. Because someone does not want to know much or that someone must be told everything is what is right for them. You must do what is right for you.

 

 

You bring up a very valid point.

Maybe rven if i do search inward i will still need these questions answered.

 

I guess my problem is if the only person with the answers wont give them to me then i am at a stale mate.

 

It is very very unlikely that anything he says will make me end the marriage. I might be upset but as ive saod before it was only the one night and the rest of our life together for the most part has been fantastic.

 

I dont know how to get the answers from him, and if you are right then not having those answers could be damaging to me or our marriage the longer this drags out.

 

Im not sure what to do.

 

I do want to try move on and accept how much i do already know, however after two years it obviously hasn't fully quenched my desire for the truth of the night, so without that info is anythin i do to move on without it even going to make a difference? :/

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Posted
You bring up a very valid point.

Maybe rven if i do search inward i will still need these questions answered.

 

I guess my problem is if the only person with the answers wont give them to me then i am at a stale mate.

 

It is very very unlikely that anything he says will make me end the marriage. I might be upset but as ive saod before it was only the one night and the rest of our life together for the most part has been fantastic.

 

I dont know how to get the answers from him, and if you are right then not having those answers could be damaging to me or our marriage the longer this drags out.

 

Im not sure what to do.

 

I do want to try move on and accept how much i do already know, however after two years it obviously hasn't fully quenched my desire for the truth of the night, so without that info is anythin i do to move on without it even going to make a difference? :/

 

 

 

 

Make your WH feel safe to tell you what happened. Tell him you will not use it against him or throw it back at him.

 

 

I have known of a few BH that when their WW's confessed their affair and all those BH asked was the affair over, they were told yes, are you going to leave me, they were told no. Then those BH refused to talk or hear any more about the affair.

 

 

This lack of questions from their BH's had these WW's going crazy with fear because from the little they had initially learnt from reading the forums is that it appeared that every BH needed to ask questions nonstop and get the whole truth. So they were prepared to not trickle truth. They did not want their recovery to fail. This reaction on their part showed that they did not yet learn that there is not one right response but that there is a wide range of responses for BS's to take From D day and on.

 

 

Though as you see these WW's were not the average for more are caught then confessed. And most trickle truth rather then be honest.

 

 

Being on infidelity forums for many years this has happened a few times that I know of. And the time posting by these WW's was not that long before they stopped posting.

 

 

However countless BH's have wanted to know every last detail. And many BH's in between.

 

 

You have to decide how important it is that you need what you need to know. What is right for each BS is different.

Posted (edited)
I had no idea they were anything besides friends at that point when i started seeing him. I didn't know how often they messaged as I wasn't checking his phone or anything.

 

As far as I was aware, i was the only girl he was seeing, he didnt want to be an official couple, and i didnt want to be one of many, so we agreed to see each other basicaly without titles but to be exclusive and if one or the other wanted to prusue someone else we wouldnt be seeing each other.

 

 

 

For the other replies, I dont know how to multiquote, but I will try answer all the questions I have read:

 

He cut her off within a couple of weeks and has never spoken to her since, he as a person has been nothing but faithful and truthful since, and we share all our technology just for convenience so I would be pretty aware if he wasn't.

 

As soon as it happened I had issues with it and have had issues with it ever since, but as the new year is coming up and we are now married i would like to bury it once and for all before we start a new full year married.

 

Since the beginning ive got nothing but trickle truth about it, He was always too tired or too busy with uni/work or whatever to be able to actually sit and talk about it properly. I would want to talk about it and resolve it and he used he excuses of other things i our life to push it to the back burner.

 

Since at the moment i have been trying to fix unresolved issues I have personally, overcoming this is one thing I feel we should do so we don't have it sitting there in the background unresolved.

 

I hope that helps explain the situation better.

 

Darling

 

Listen. There are probably at least 100 women here including me who would do almost anything for a good man like that. Sometimes insecurities we each have manifest as feelings that we need to unravel. He didn't have an A, it was dubious and as soon as you showed you wanted him, he dropped it like it was hot and immediately turned towards you and has been in your words nothing but truthful, loving and supportive and you have a wonderful life.

 

It's likely it isn't even trickle truth, he probably thought the other woman was so not a focus he can't bloody remember.

 

You may be in one of the luckiest and most enviable positions of any woman on LS.

 

Be happy pickle and go forward with this man who adores you and never look back at what's her name. You have nothing to worry about and a magic life in front of you. go live it to the fullest.

 

Leafy XX

Edited by NewLeaf512
  • Like 4
Posted
His actions now and ever since has show he is faithful and loyal :)

 

Then let..it..go.... Forgive him and focus on the now! That is what's important. He loves you, treats you well and he is not in contact with her anymore.

 

 

He cut her off within a couple of weeks and has never spoken to her since, he as a person has been nothing but faithful and truthful since, and we share all our technology just for convenience so I would be pretty aware if he wasn't.
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Posted
Posted by MrsConflicted

His actions now and ever since has show he is faithful and loyal :)

 

His actions should speak louder than words and your insecurities.

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Posted

So as of today I have found out more than I would like to know about the whole situation.

 

Namely, that not oly was there another girl involved i wasn't aware of, but also that my now huband was calling me names, saying i was crazy, and overall using me in an effort to get a job through my family according to things he said to her.

 

He says he did't mean it and said them to impress her, a girl he apparently had no interest in dating.

 

Now i know he has beena great partner since, but part of me feels like our whole courtship was a lie, because it was, and that even though we have a sturdy house now (our relatonship/marriage) having a ****ty foundation ( courtship) isn't the best.

 

 

i now have absolutely no memory of our courtship that doesn't have director commentary of the messages between them laughing at me the whole time.

 

i still dont want to end the relationship or marriage, but this new information is very hard to process.

 

its no no longr just what he did with her. Its what he said about me or more like the mad crap he talked about me to her.

Posted

As soon as you wrote this: "Since the beginning ive got nothing but trickle truth about it, He was always too tired or too busy with uni/work or whatever to be able to actually sit and talk about it properly. I would want to talk about it and resolve it and he used he excuses of other things i our life to push it to the back burner."

 

I knew he hadn't done the work and I cannot BELIEVE ppl were telling you to move on.

I'd still insist on polygraph. And MC if you want to save relationship.

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Posted
As soon as you wrote this: "Since the beginning ive got nothing but trickle truth about it, He was always too tired or too busy with uni/work or whatever to be able to actually sit and talk about it properly. I would want to talk about it and resolve it and he used he excuses of other things i our life to push it to the back burner."

 

I knew he hadn't done the work and I cannot BELIEVE ppl were telling you to move on.

I'd still insist on polygraph. And MC if you want to save relationship.

 

After all I found out today I doubt our martiage will last long or be any good without marriage councelling. I really do feel completly broken and betrayed.

 

cheating is one thing but lying about me and making fun of me with the other woman is just short of unforgivable...

Posted

You have to choose to forgive him and process it then put it out of your head or you two WILL end up divorcing. He obviously regrets his past and what he said and did, which is probably why he didn't want to talk to you openly about it, he's ashamed of himself and his behavior. I know it won't take over night to get over and work through this, but don't drag it out for months and months.

 

Do the counseling but remember that you two have built a life together and before finding this out, you were happy and felt in love with him.

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Posted
You have to choose to forgive him and process it then put it out of your head or you two WILL end up divorcing. He obviously regrets his past and what he said and did, which is probably why he didn't want to talk to you openly about it, he's ashamed of himself and his behavior. I know it won't take over night to get over and work through this, but don't drag it out for months and months.

 

Do the counseling but remember that you two have built a life together and before finding this out, you were happy and felt in love with him.

 

Say what? He needs to OWN this behavior first. Shame is selfish. He needs to get over himself and talk. Jeez, so people who are ashamed get a free pass when it comes to dishonesty?

See, this is why everything needs to be out in the open and why HE MUST DO THE WORK in IC to figure out why he's ok with trickle truth.

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Posted
So as of today I have found out more than I would like to know about the whole situation.

 

Namely, that not oly was there another girl involved i wasn't aware of, but also that my now huband was calling me names, saying i was crazy, and overall using me in an effort to get a job through my family according to things he said to her.

 

He says he did't mean it and said them to impress her, a girl he apparently had no interest in dating.

 

Now i know he has beena great partner since, but part of me feels like our whole courtship was a lie, because it was, and that even though we have a sturdy house now (our relatonship/marriage) having a ****ty foundation ( courtship) isn't the best.

 

 

i now have absolutely no memory of our courtship that doesn't have director commentary of the messages between them laughing at me the whole time.

 

i still dont want to end the relationship or marriage, but this new information is very hard to process.

 

its no no longr just what he did with her. Its what he said about me or more like the mad crap he talked about me to her.

 

 

 

 

How did you find out more?

  • Author
Posted
How did you find out more?

 

We have an agreement that since he has never really told me the whole truth that if i want at any time i can go back throigh the messages to make sense of it all.

 

I did that today and for some reason that never occurrd to me in 2 years i searched the conversarion for my name specifically and found out.

 

I had access so i wasnt snooping in case that gets asked, i guess i just dodnt look properly before.

Posted

Ok so... This man kept his e mails to and from a girl he was seeing before the two of you were a couple ... And after all this time he let you read those emails?

 

Wow... I clean out my e mails everyday ... I cannot imagine keeping old e mails from people not in my life.....

 

Interesting

  • Author
Posted
Ok so... This man kept his e mails to and from a girl he was seeing before the two of you were a couple ... And after all this time he let you read those emails?

 

Wow... I clean out my e mails everyday ... I cannot imagine keeping old e mails from people not in my life.....

 

Interesting

 

 

Theyre fb messages, dont know if you can even delete them.

Posted

Yes you can delete them from Facebook

Posted

Remember that OM will make up, exaggerate, distort anything and everything when talking to the OW to get into her pants.

 

 

Your ace in the whole is when you told your husband be exclusive or lose me. He knew what he had in you and dropped that trollop faster then a looter cleaning out a store during a riot.

 

 

Now that you have gotten your truth you can now move forward to recover your marriage.

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Posted
Remember that OM will make up, exaggerate, distort anything and everything when talking to the OW to get into her pants.

 

 

Your ace in the whole is when you told your husband be exclusive or lose me. He knew what he had in you and dropped that trollop faster then a looter cleaning out a store during a riot.

 

 

Now that you have gotten your truth you can now move forward to recover your marriage.

 

It wasnt her that talked crap abut me it was him saying he was using me etc.

 

Also he said he would be exclusive to me and THEN got in her bed.

Posted (edited)

OP I will weigh in on this only to say that my previous posts, contrary to what Katielee and others will say, still hold. Whichwayisup is correct in my mind.

 

Your H lost his dignity. He behaved badly. He knew what he said, he knew how stupid he was to chase after a woman in FB calling you names. What did he do: He cut himself off from her? them? and directly married you and has been SHOWING YOU what you need to see to know WHICH version of him is real.

 

Your choice: bring his past to the present and see him today as he saw himself before he smartened up, or recognise that this new information is part of past of your husband that he let go of, and obviously forgave himself for, and owned up to it in his OWN WAY and your marriage is the proof of that.

 

Whichever you decide to do OP: You have work to do. You read the messages, he told you what they were about, what more do you want from him? It is you that needs to process and decide. Your marriage is a stake now. Ask yourself if there is anything really he could say at this point to make this go away. If not, asking him to "own it" would be to invite him to participate in a game of inauthentic remorse and forgiveness that a) he won't be any good at (you husband it seems, is not 100% perfect, sorry to say) and b) will create false episodes while he tries to find the solution to help you save yourself from yourself. He was the bad guy here. The question is, is he still the bad guy?

 

As hard as this seems to acknowledge: The reason this is happening today is because you did not resolve it back then. Those messages were always there. The confession took place before you were married. Now you need to find a way to live with information you ought to have discovered and dealt with in the day. You let it go back then, and although this does not absolve him of anything, you have to acknowledge the impact bringing up unresolved issues - what - 2 years later? - is having on your perspective. You are not wrong. Your feelings and reactions are correct. Just be careful not to rewrite the events because the past is not the present, and the immediate past is now under question.

 

Okay, so you didn't. And here we are. If you must process the truth - and I warned you that getting ONE new TRUTH would open up FIVE MORE and put you in a situation where a truth that cannot be proven would rear its ugly head: Why did he insult me to her?

 

Now the question of sex no sex is not so important as some stuff he said to a girl... How are you ever going to know what was really going on in his head? And even IF you did know exactly what he was thinking at the time, what about what he was thinking at the time he went NC with these people and asked you to marry him?

 

 

P.S.

Most people don't delete messages in FB ever. And the fact that he did not cannot be used to determine anything. Do not let people here make enormous speculations about undeleted messages on a FB account as though that says something unequivocable "about his character".

Edited by fellini
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Posted

I agree with all Fellini has written. He always shares great wisdom about and respect for the infinite complexities and frailties of humanity. It would seem sad to break a marriage in which you are both happy for a brief episode During which your husband behaved in a far lesser way than he has since demonstrated. New Leaf's pragmatic advice is also sound imo.

Posted

OP - I maintain that if you are in a marriage where you can't speak about something that causes you anxiety, that is a huge issue.

What actions have you seen from your husband that prove he understands the damage he does by not talking or giving you trickle truth?

Two years is relatively early into an infidelity... moving on does not mean not talking. You don't have to accuse him of anything. But he needs to see your pain from reading those messages. Those actually happened while you were exclusive, right? You need to heal from that. Has he apologized?

Did you say there was more than one girl now?

Personally, I think betrayed ppl need to know the depth of the betrayal before they forgive and move on. And that is what you were searching for.

We could all say that an affair from years ago is in the past and perhaps the WS is "being good" now. Doubt that takes the pain, mistrust and anxiety away from the BS. There's still work to be done here.

Posted (edited)

We could all say that an affair from years ago is in the past and perhaps the WS is "being good" now. Doubt that takes the pain, mistrust and anxiety away from the BS. There's still work to be done here.

 

No the WS is not "being good" now. He has been exemplary, according to OP, has been everything she wants from him. So no, I wouldn't put that phrase in "quotation marks" like it was "subjective".

 

While I agree with the view that a BS needs to know the truth, I do not believe, based on what I can surmise by your posts, that there is no limit to this.

 

There are other issues in the mix her. And in the end, regardless to how much truth she can pull out of this, she is not going to hear ANYTHING concrete or substantial that will convince her of the opposite of what the games her mind is playing with her right now. Had she read those messages prior to agreeing to marry, perhaps she would have changed her mind.

 

These doubts and issues and second guessing and hypothesising that are NORMAL for someone on DDAY are now resurfacing and makes this case of infidelity special (I trust you agree with the statement that each A is different).

 

HE CONFESSED I believe 2 or 3 days after. He dealt with it, not well, but obviously sufficient enough to later gain her consent to marry.

 

Now, 1 or 2 years later, she is bringing this up again. And of course she has the right and the need to. But at the same time she needs to hear that this is NOT ONLY ABOUT HIM, it also speaks about her own approach to her ability to forgive and put the past behind her.

 

In the end, OP has to heal herself. She cannot rely upon her H to do this. If he could (and he cannot) lay the whole truth on the table for her to see, this will not heal her pain. She will only heal when she is ready.

 

And as a BS I should think you would not just base your arguments about "the right to know" but also recognise that the OP is in danger of, if not already trapped, in an obsession with the A. She cannot let it go because it has a life of its own. Every BS needs to be careful not to let the A become the focus in their lives, their identity, because it does not allow them to forgive, or to move forward. It eats away at your soul. At what point do you believe the BS is entitled to obsess over this A that was confessed years ago?

 

She needs to move forward. Not backwards. And she needs to heal herself and not expect her H to do it for her. This episode could destroy what is good and decent in their marriage, and if it does, she will still be left with the question, "how do I let go of my pain."

Edited by fellini
Posted

Considering she just got gob smacked in the head with more truth - it's gonna be a while...

Still thinking and wondering about a betrayal two tears later is normal. It takes 2-5 years to recover and now she essentially had another dday.

Although I agreed its up to the BS to heal themselves...

I still think a heart to heart talk would solve this. And if he's a "good man" - I'll put whatever I want in quotes thanks- he'll understand her need for this processing of truth...

Posted (edited)

He asked me to be his girlfriend in august, and had spent the night before we became official in the other woman's bed.

That's not cheating, then. He, like you and everyone else who cheats, was 'trying on' people to see with whom he had the most compatibility. That's what you do when you're dating. Had he done it AFTER you 'declared' being official, that's another story.

 

And honestly, to expect a guy nowadays to NOT sleep around while dating several women seems kind of naive.

 

This sounds more like an issue with your own self esteem and insecurity.

 

I'd focus on going to your own therapist for now, to figure out exactly what's bothering you (probably has something to do with your fear that he'll leave you).

 

Of course, if he was trash talking you, that's a whole other story you need to deal with, as well as not being willing to own his own actions. Does he do that in other areas of his life?

Edited by turnera
  • Like 1
Posted
It wasnt her that talked crap abut me it was him saying he was using me etc.

 

Also he said he would be exclusive to me and THEN got in her bed.

 

That's not cheating, then. He, like you and everyone else who cheats, was 'trying on' people to see with whom he had the most compatibility. That's what you do when you're dating. Had he done it AFTER you 'declared' being official, that's another story.

 

And honestly, to expect a guy nowadays to NOT sleep around while dating several women seems kind of naive.

 

This sounds more like an issue with your own self esteem and insecurity.

 

I'd focus on going to your own therapist for now, to figure out exactly what's bothering you (probably has something to do with your fear that he'll leave you).

 

Of course, if he was trash talking you, that's a whole other story you need to deal with, as well as not being willing to own his own actions. Does he do that in other areas of his life?

 

 

Thanks for showing that I did not read her post right.

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