2 years on, how do I let this go?

[JADIE]

So all this happened before you two became an official couple, the night before he had sex with that woman, then next day you were bf/gf? Then eventually got married? How has your marriage been overall?

 

I'd let it go, as long as she's NOT in his life anymore, it's time to focus on the now and each other. Even if it was 'one last fling', he certainly wants to put it to bed and forget about it. He's moved past it but you haven't. Has your whole marriage been painful because of his one last fling?

 

For all intents and purposes, it looks all the world to me that he was multi-dating, made his choice, and married her. End of story. So why dredge up what he did the night before he made his decision to continue with one and drop the other?

[Mr. Lucky]

 

it happened before there was a commitment to even be a couple....she had every opportunity to get out of the relationship before she married him...

 

by continuing in the relationship...i think she conveyed the message...what he did... did not matter. Now she has decided she wants details and it does matter.

 

I think the whole thing is a bit confusing.

 

Agreed. MrsConflicted, I'd guess this inquiry serves a present purpose rather than a historical one.

 

What's currently happening in your marriage that makes you want to revisit this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[fellini]

It seems too many people are not hearing what OP has said. OP believes that they were officially dating prior to his spending the night with the other woman.

 

I think it's that what OP understood was that they were a monogamous couple before.

 

I think what appears to be unclear is if OP's husband really meant that, at that specific point in time, or if he said one thing but didn't personally begin to act on that promise until further down the road, after his night with this other woman.

 

If anything was confusing, it was the mixed messages the H of OP was sending. But in OP's mind, as said very clearly in one of her posts, she believed this commitment was understood by both of them. Hence the comment that he was risking everything for that one night.

[road]

Because on the one hand you recognise the possibility that he was too embarrassed and couldn't bring himself to reveal the "full truth" (something I personally believe to be a fuzzy idea) to which you responded that "Honesty and openness is too important to me" so Im asking if you are being honest and open about discussing your personal issues with an online community.

 

My WW had sex with during her A. I consider knowing that she had sex my right. I consider, at some point, what happened during sex to be private.

 

Not everyone thinks like this. But I don't want to know about the details. I don't want 100% truth. I focus more on what things mean, not the data.

 

 

 

 

Your words.

 

 

 

 

The WW has no right to keep what happened between her and the OM from her BH.

 

 

That is different from a BH not wanting to know what happened or limit what his WW tells him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She said he was not ready to be committed...but she insisted that they be exclusive and he agreed.

 

I have not dated in many years so i don't understand this terminology...

 

My point is....she KNEW that he had seen this women while they were "exclusive" but not committed...yet she pursued the relationship anyway....became committed....became engaged....and married him.

 

If his seeing this woman early into the relationship was dismissed all this time...why has it become an issue now?

 

I think ic is probably her best answer...because i think her jealousy is causing her to feel insecure in the marriage.....

 

I am willing to bet the husband is as confused as i am.

[road]

From what I gathered is they were dating and the exclusive talk did not happen.

 

 

So for those that say there was no exclusive talk then both parties were free to date and bang as many people as they wanted to on the side.

 

 

People say multi dating is ok because no one promised to be exclusive.

 

 

Problem with multi-dating is that when two people start to date is that the chances are good that one of the two do not believe in multi-dating. Yes the one that does not want to multi-date knows that no exclusivity talk has taken place. They may see this person as being the "one" though it is considered to be a Red Flag to ask the person that you date to be the mother/farther of your children right off the bat. So they keep their eyes open and see if their first impressions were right. They are willing to let the relationship progress.

 

 

However even though no exclusive talk has taken place they will feel as if they were cheated on if their partner multi-dated on them. If a person feels they have been cheated on then they believe they have been cheated on. The ability to trust in the relationship has been compromised.

 

 

The OP's husband wanted to be the "stud" multi-dating. That was his choice. Though now that he has reaped what he has sowed he does not like the taste of the food.

 

 

I bet the OP's husband regrets multi-dating now.

[NewLeaf512]

From what I gathered is they were dating and the exclusive talk did not happen.

 

 

So for those that say there was no exclusive talk then both parties were free to date and bang as many people as they wanted to on the side.

 

 

People say multi dating is ok because no one promised to be exclusive.

 

 

Problem with multi-dating is that when two people start to date is that the chances are good that one of the two do not believe in multi-dating. Yes the one that does not want to multi-date knows that no exclusivity talk has taken place. They may see this person as being the "one" though it is considered to be a Red Flag to ask the person that you date to be the mother/farther of your children right off the bat. So they keep their eyes open and see if their first impressions were right. They are willing to let the relationship progress.

 

 

However even though no exclusive talk has taken place they will feel as if they were cheated on if their partner multi-dated on them. If a person feels they have been cheated on then they believe they have been cheated on. The ability to trust in the relationship has been compromised.

 

 

The OP's husband wanted to be the "stud" multi-dating. That was his choice. Though now that he has reaped what he has sowed he does not like the taste of the food.

 

 

I bet the OP's husband regrets multi-dating now.

 

Road I'm sorry but I believe some of the points you put forward above are simply preposterous ascertains that are baseless. Do you know OP's husband? How can you know he wanted to be a "stud"? That's unbelievable.

 

This multi date scenario: if you are dating someone and you don't want them to date others, ask them. If you feel that a person you are dating is "the one" and you don't vocalise it, and ask them not to date others, feeling that you have been cheated on is a fantastic delusion because most people aren't psychic mind readers.

 

If 2 people are Dating (key word here) and are NOT exclusive/ engaged / going steady whatever and have NOT had the talk, but one of the parties Desires it to be exclusive, there is a word for this: Hope

Dating by definition in my view is where you meet a potential partner as many times as needed to determine if the relationship should progress.... Or not. It's like viewing a new home before you plunk down your life savings and make a 30 year commitment. You may see the house you eventually buy first, but you view other homes to make certain you are choosing wisely and for the right reasons but have you "cheated" on the first house? Obviously not. You offer and put up your earnest money and give your promise to buy (exclusivity). You put up the rest of the money and close on the house (marry)

 

If OP "feels" cheated on, she is able to "feel" as she wishes. That doesn't make it rational. Her feelings are important and therefore a therapist would be a good person to discuss this with because her feeling say cheated. Reality says oh dear.

 

Your post telling what her H thinks and feels is untrue, and illogical. I don't see how that helps OP, nor how it makes sense. Can you clarify because it is coming over a bit absurd.

 

Thanks

[fellini]

Your words.

 

The WW has no right to keep what happened between her and the OM from her BH.

 

If I say that I consider what happened between my WW and her AP to be private, that is my business. You cannot tell me I am wrong about what I believe.

 

My rights to respect another person's privacy do not infringe on ANY RIGHTS that ANY BS's may or may not have in LS. If I express my thoughts I have about my WW in my words, who are you to tell me they are badly chosen?

 

What is questionable, however, is for you, or anyone in LS to say what any WW has no right to do and what all BS's have a right to.

 

These rights you speak of do not EXIST. There is no human rights violations for WW's and there is no amnesty international for BS's. You confuse rights with something else altogether.

 

A BS has one single "right", and that is to walk away from his/her partner. If a BS declares he has the "right" to know intimate details about his WW's sexual practices then the WW has the right NOT to agree and can try to persuade the BS not to ask disclosure of details they are not going to give, or the WW can suffer the consequences for not agreeing and find herself divorced.

 

The BS does not have any single right to know anything. The information is given freely or not by the WS and this is their decision to do so. But to say that a WW has no "right" to keep something from the BS is absurd. A WW would be wise, or well advised to try to meet the demands of a BS. But rights do not enter into any of this.

 

At best a WW has a moral obligation to disclose details in the hopes to achieve her objective to save her marriage, if that is what she wants. But this is something a WW negotiates between her own conscious and her BH.

 

Because a BH who has decided to divorce clearly does not have a "right" to know the full details of what happened, just as a WW who walks from her marriage has the right NOT to disclose.

[Mr Blunt]

By Felini

Actually she said he is NOT a good liar.

The fact is, according to her, he is a liar; so she will not be satisfied if she gets more information from a liar.

 

My main point was as reprinted below. Him being a good liar or a bad liar does not change my advice that she asked for.

My advice to you is for you to trust his ACTIONS more than your hurt feelings and insecurities.

[katielee]

OP -when I get to feeling insecure in my current relationship with my husband, I know it's time to have a heart to heart. The last few months I did this he has really been a trooper just listening to me and telling me some deep and vulnerable thoughts. The connection that happens with this helps me a lot, eases my fears and grows our intimacy and connection. I'm not sure its my insecurity as much as our very different need for talk. Sometimes I don't talk as much as I want to - to meet his need. Other times he listens and shares, to meet my need.

I wonder if you need one of these conversations with him.

[road]

If I say that I consider what happened between my WW and her AP to be private, that is my business. You cannot tell me I am wrong about what I believe.

 

My rights to respect another person's privacy do not infringe on ANY RIGHTS that ANY BS's may or may not have in LS. If I express my thoughts I have about my WW in my words, who are you to tell me they are badly chosen?

 

What is questionable, however, is for you, or anyone in LS to say what any WW has no right to do and what all BS's have a right to.

 

These rights you speak of do not EXIST. There is no human rights violations for WW's and there is no amnesty international for BS's. You confuse rights with something else altogether.

 

A BS has one single "right", and that is to walk away from his/her partner. If a BS declares he has the "right" to know intimate details about his WW's sexual practices then the WW has the right NOT to agree and can try to persuade the BS not to ask disclosure of details they are not going to give, or the WW can suffer the consequences for not agreeing and find herself divorced.

 

The BS does not have any single right to know anything. The information is given freely or not by the WS and this is their decision to do so. But to say that a WW has no "right" to keep something from the BS is absurd. A WW would be wise, or well advised to try to meet the demands of a BS. But rights do not enter into any of this.

 

At best a WW has a moral obligation to disclose details in the hopes to achieve her objective to save her marriage, if that is what she wants. But this is something a WW negotiates between her own conscious and her BH.

 

Because a BH who has decided to divorce clearly does not have a "right" to know the full details of what happened, just as a WW who walks from her marriage has the right NOT to disclose.

 

 

We all here have the right to tell others that they are wrong. You need to be more like me. I do not get upset when you tell me I am wrong for I know where you are coming from and how wrong you are.

 

 

 

 

As to the right to know. The BH has every right to know. The WW can not be forced to tell her BH the knowledge that he needs to know.

 

 

Though it is still the BH's right to know what happened for many BH's will only partially heal and never fully recover from their WW's affair.

 

 

This is why many marriages limp on after an affair for the next 30+ years. The BH can not let the affair memory fade because he is driven by seeking answers to his unanswered questions.

 

 

The WW had an affair for the marriage went stale, bad, any adjective will do.

 

 

D day, for what ever reason the WW stays with the BH and the BH stays with the WW. The marriage is now worse then stale. The WW will not tell her BH what he needs to heal. She rather stay in a poor marriage instead of building a new better then the best the old marriage was before the affair before she will give her BH the truth.

 

 

The WW choosing to not tell her BH can only indicate how bad her affair was.

 

 

This denial by the WW to be totally honest can only make the BH think whatever the WW can only be worst then whatever the BH has so far thought of or heard what other WW's have done.

[MrsConflicted]

She said he was not ready to be committed...but she insisted that they be exclusive and he agreed.

 

I have not dated in many years so i don't understand this terminology...

 

My point is....she KNEW that he had seen this women while they were "exclusive" but not committed...yet she pursued the relationship anyway....became committed....became engaged....and married him.

 

If his seeing this woman early into the relationship was dismissed all this time...why has it become an issue now?

 

I think ic is probably her best answer...because i think her jealousy is causing her to feel insecure in the marriage.....

 

I am willing to bet the husband is as confused as i am.

 

I had no idea they were anything besides friends at that point when i started seeing him. I didn't know how often they messaged as I wasn't checking his phone or anything.

 

As far as I was aware, i was the only girl he was seeing, he didnt want to be an official couple, and i didnt want to be one of many, so we agreed to see each other basicaly without titles but to be exclusive and if one or the other wanted to prusue someone else we wouldnt be seeing each other.

 

 

 

For the other replies, I dont know how to multiquote, but I will try answer all the questions I have read:

 

He cut her off within a couple of weeks and has never spoken to her since, he as a person has been nothing but faithful and truthful since, and we share all our technology just for convenience so I would be pretty aware if he wasn't.

 

As soon as it happened I had issues with it and have had issues with it ever since, but as the new year is coming up and we are now married i would like to bury it once and for all before we start a new full year married.

 

Since the beginning ive got nothing but trickle truth about it, He was always too tired or too busy with uni/work or whatever to be able to actually sit and talk about it properly. I would want to talk about it and resolve it and he used he excuses of other things i our life to push it to the back burner.

 

Since at the moment i have been trying to fix unresolved issues I have personally, overcoming this is one thing I feel we should do so we don't have it sitting there in the background unresolved.

 

I hope that helps explain the situation better.

[fellini]

 

As to the right to know. The BH has every right to know. The WW can not be forced to tell her BH the knowledge that he needs to know.

 

 

"The BH has every right to know." is a phrase, ni, a cliche repeated in online forums and pretty much nowhere else. On the surface it appears quite correct and appropriate. But it's just our using an inappropriate word in an important context. What "rights" does the WS have? From what you say NONE.

 

What equal rights can a WS demand if they submit to the "right" to know? Can they ask for a guarantee that reconciliation will remain on the table? Can they say, "your right to know is derived from our marital status, therefore if I give you your rights, I get mine: we remain married regardless of the disclosure?" No. Let me try to put it in LS terms: The WW owes the BS everything and the BS owes the WW nothing.

 

Well you see the thing is NEITHER you nor I have a monopoly on the rights of infidelity, so no, neither you nor I can make blanket statements about "the right to know". The only thing we have is our own approach, our own ideas about what we need to know, and our own negotiation upon DDAY.

 

There is no law of rights of a BS that I can throw at my WW to declare she has to tell me the intimate details of her sexual time with her AP. NONE.

Just as there is no "cheaters manual" (another much mentioned illusionary cliche that people use to bundle all "cheaters" into one single universal truth) these rights you speak of are in fact wishful thinking.

 

You can say it a thousand times a thousand ways, but the BH does not have anything, he must negotiate at the moment of DDAY. And that is what most of these stories on LS are about: the negotiation.

 

Telling people they have a right that does not exist can actually have them believe their WS is hiding something when in reality all they are doing is trying to protect what little is left of their dignity emerging from an affair.

[MrsConflicted]

From what I gathered is they were dating and the exclusive talk did not happen.

 

 

So for those that say there was no exclusive talk then both parties were free to date and bang as many people as they wanted to on the side.

 

 

People say multi dating is ok because no one promised to be exclusive.

 

 

Problem with multi-dating is that when two people start to date is that the chances are good that one of the two do not believe in multi-dating. Yes the one that does not want to multi-date knows that no exclusivity talk has taken place. They may see this person as being the "one" though it is considered to be a Red Flag to ask the person that you date to be the mother/farther of your children right off the bat. So they keep their eyes open and see if their first impressions were right. They are willing to let the relationship progress.

 

 

However even though no exclusive talk has taken place they will feel as if they were cheated on if their partner multi-dated on them. If a person feels they have been cheated on then they believe they have been cheated on. The ability to trust in the relationship has been compromised.

 

 

The OP's husband wanted to be the "stud" multi-dating. That was his choice. Though now that he has reaped what he has sowed he does not like the taste of the food.

 

 

I bet the OP's husband regrets multi-dating now.

 

I stated very clearly even at the beginning of the post that we did have the exclusivity talk. He knew we were exclusive as he agreed to it.

[MrsConflicted]

The fact is, according to her, he is a liar; so she will not be satisfied if she gets more information from a liar.

 

My main point was as reprinted below. Him being a good liar or a bad liar does not change my advice that she asked for.

 

His actions now and ever since has show he is faithful and loyal

[road]

"The BH has every right to know." is a phrase, ni, a cliche repeated in online forums and pretty much nowhere else. On the surface it appears quite correct and appropriate. But it's just our using an inappropriate word in an important context. What "rights" does the WS have? From what you say NONE.

 

What equal rights can a WS demand if they submit to the "right" to know? Can they ask for a guarantee that reconciliation will remain on the table? Can they say, "your right to know is derived from our marital status, therefore if I give you your rights, I get mine: we remain married regardless of the disclosure?" No. Let me try to put it in LS terms: The WW owes the BS everything and the BS owes the WW nothing.

 

Well you see the thing is NEITHER you nor I have a monopoly on the rights of infidelity, so no, neither you nor I can make blanket statements about "the right to know". The only thing we have is our own approach, our own ideas about what we need to know, and our own negotiation upon DDAY.

 

There is no law of rights of a BS that I can throw at my WW to declare she has to tell me the intimate details of her sexual time with her AP. NONE.

Just as there is no "cheaters manual" (another much mentioned illusionary cliche that people use to bundle all "cheaters" into one single universal truth) these rights you speak of are in fact wishful thinking.

 

You can say it a thousand times a thousand ways, but the BH does not have anything, he must negotiate at the moment of DDAY. And that is what most of these stories on LS are about: the negotiation.

 

Telling people they have a right that does not exist can actually have them believe their WS is hiding something when in reality all they are doing is trying to protect what little is left of their dignity emerging from an affair.

 

 

Because you can not put your hand on an actual Cheaters Manual that statement holds no truth.

 

 

No says that there is an actual Cheater Manual or a Cheaters Plan Book. The truth in those words is that what all AP's do is the same. There is nothing special all affairs are the same for the way they go down the slippery slope, to how they lie, to what they did. Because you want to lock onto the fact that there is no such actual book then there is no truth to the term Cheaters Manual.

 

 

So you extend your reasoning that there is now law book containing a law spelling out the right for the BH to get the whole truth from their WW. Further because no judge will issue a ruling compelling the WW to tell her BH the full truth. That the BH has no right to need the whole truth from his WW.

 

 

Because there is no law does not mean that the BH's need to have the whole truth from his WW not valid.

[MrsConflicted]

Road I'm sorry but I believe some of the points you put forward above are simply preposterous ascertains that are baseless. Do you know OP's husband? How can you know he wanted to be a "stud"? That's unbelievable.

 

This multi date scenario: if you are dating someone and you don't want them to date others, ask them. If you feel that a person you are dating is "the one" and you don't vocalise it, and ask them not to date others, feeling that you have been cheated on is a fantastic delusion because most people aren't psychic mind readers.

 

If 2 people are Dating (key word here) and are NOT exclusive/ engaged / going steady whatever and have NOT had the talk, but one of the parties Desires it to be exclusive, there is a word for this: Hope

Dating by definition in my view is where you meet a potential partner as many times as needed to determine if the relationship should progress.... Or not. It's like viewing a new home before you plunk down your life savings and make a 30 year commitment. You may see the house you eventually buy first, but you view other homes to make certain you are choosing wisely and for the right reasons but have you "cheated" on the first house? Obviously not. You offer and put up your earnest money and give your promise to buy (exclusivity). You put up the rest of the money and close on the house (marry)

 

If OP "feels" cheated on, she is able to "feel" as she wishes. That doesn't make it rational. Her feelings are important and therefore a therapist would be a good person to discuss this with because her feeling say cheated. Reality says oh dear.

 

Your post telling what her H thinks and feels is untrue, and illogical. I don't see how that helps OP, nor how it makes sense. Can you clarify because it is coming over a bit absurd.

 

Thanks

 

Again, we WERE exclusive. We had the talk and both agreed. Therefore he did cheat. I am not being delusional. He said he was fine being exclusive and then went against that later without telling me he wanted to see someone else as per our AGREEMENT.

[road]

Because you can not put your hand on an actual Cheaters Manual that statement holds no truth.

 

 

No ONE (could not edit) says that there is an actual Cheater Manual or a Cheaters Plan Book. The truth in those words is that what all AP's do is the same. There is nothing special all affairs are the same for the way they go down the slippery slope, to how they lie, to what they did. Because you want to lock onto the fact that there is no such actual book then there is no truth to the term Cheaters Manual.

 

 

So you extend your reasoning that there is now law book containing a law spelling out the right for the BH to get the whole truth from their WW. Further because no judge will issue a ruling compelling the WW to tell her BH the full truth. That the BH has no right to need the whole truth from his WW.

 

 

Because there is no law does not mean that the BH's need to have the whole truth from his WW not valid.

 

could not edit

[MrsConflicted]

Can I please ask that if you do comment with advice, please read at least the first post completely.

 

Some people haven't and are asking questions or making statements that aren't relevant, such as that there was no exclusivity agreement when i have stated in the OP as well as about 2 or 3 other times that there most certainly was.

 

The jist is he is well aware he cheated, i didn't get the explanation or closure i asked for as he wouldnt tell me very much probably due to shame, and in an effort to better myself i would like to get over this and put it to rest.

Edited December 27, 2015 by MrsConflicted

[fellini]

Can I please ask that if you do comment with advice, please read at least the first post completely.

 

Some people haven't and are asking questions or making statements that aren't relevant, such as that there was no exclusivity agreement when i have stated in the OP as well as about 2 or 3 other times that there most certainly was.

 

The jist is he is well aware he cheated, i didn't get the explanation or closure i asked for as he wouldnt tell me very much probably due to shame, and in an effort to better myself i would like to get over this and put it to rest.

 

OP, having read again several of your posts, I am coming to the conclusion that it might be possible he can do very little (I don't mean nothing) to help you to understand something that happened before he proposed to marry you.

 

If you think, as you say, that perhaps no sex was involved, then might that not just lead you to think, he didn't get sex that night so he gave up, or she said she only wanted sex and no commitment, or anything. How is anything he is going to say going to help you with moving past this? You want not just to know the details, you want to know what is the meaning behind them. And I think that meaning you look for is in danger of being used to look back through your marriage in a way that it probably should not.

 

Don't you think that the details, and the idea that he wanted to marry you, stayed with you, married and is behaving like a good man (in your own words) and did all he could to put this behind, is itself the meaning you are actually looking for? In the end, his point is, his night with her didn't mean anything. If you don't believe this to be true, then you are saying everything that happened after that night is a lie. Which suggests what? That he married you but didn't really want to?

 

Let's take this area that there is / or isn't more to the story. You discover, there is more. Now you are left with explaining why it took you more than a year to get the truth out of him. So we as BS's merely get closure on ONE question and it opens 5 more.

 

Do you think the issues that you have can truly be solved by him? Or do you think it's possible that you need to do some work that does not involve him personally to get past this. Which is your reality today? That he is hiding something from you that is an important element in your moving forward or you are having a personal issue with letting this go regardless of how much more detail you get from him (because there will always be more)?

 

And sometimes, and I know this from experience, when the "truth" of the details are in fact laid out on the table, and there is nothing left to declare, we BS's start looking for truths that cannot be seen, questions that are so elusive as to make it impossible for anyone to prove either way, and if we tell ourselves we cannot move past this unless we know that "truth", well, then we need to probably admit that it is we who do not want to let go, and accept that for what it means. Im not telling you where you are, I am exploring possibilities from experience.

Edited December 27, 2015 by fellini

[MrsConflicted]

OP, having read again several of your posts, I am coming to the conclusion that it might be possible he can do very little (I don't mean nothing) to help you to understand something that happened before he proposed to marry you.

 

If you think, as you say, that perhaps no sex was involved, then might that not just lead you to think, he didn't get sex that night so he gave up, or she said she only wanted sex and no commitment, or anything. How is anything he is going to say going to help you with moving past this? You want not just to know the details, you want to know what is the meaning behind them. And I think that meaning you look for is in danger of being used to look back through your marriage in a way that it probably should not.

 

Don't you think that the details, and the idea that he wanted to marry you, stayed with you, married and is behaving like a good man (in your own words) and did all he could to put this behind, is itself the meaning you are actually looking for? In the end, his point is, his night with her didn't mean anything. If you don't believe this to be true, then you are saying everything that happened after that night is a lie. Which suggests what? That he married you but didn't really want to?

 

Let's take this area that there is / or isn't more to the story. You discover, there is more. Now you are left with explaining why it took you more than a year to get the truth out of him. So we as BS's merely get closure on ONE question and it opens 5 more.

 

Do you think the issues that you have can truly be solved by him? Or do you think it's possible that you need to do some work that does not involve him personally to get past this. Which is your reality today? That he is hiding something from you that is an important element in your moving forward or you are having a personal issue with letting this go regardless of how much more detail you get from him (because there will always be more)?

 

And sometimes, and I know this from experience, when the "truth" of the details are in fact laid out on the table, and there is nothing left to declare, we BS's start looking for truths that cannot be seen, questions that are so elusive as to make it impossible for anyone to prove either way, and if we tell ourselves we cannot move past this unless we know that "truth", well, then we need to probably admit that it is we who do not want to let go, and accept that for what it means. Im not telling you where you are, I am exploring possibilities from experience.

 

Wow. I really never looked at it that way. Or at least didn't want to accept it. Even if i dont know all the details what i do know is more than enough to move forward and maybe now its up to me to look inside and find out why i wont let it go and what i can do to let it go.

 

I think i will defiitely have to bring tis up with my therapist.

 

I think you may be right that at this point its less what he can do and more what i should do.

 

Thank you for your input it really has helped me understand a lot.

[fellini]

(I see this second after posting you already came to this conclusion!)

 

 

One of the ways my WW and I dealt with closure long after DDay was to ask her to write me a letter explaining what she could, no holding back, and no talking about what "she forgets". Just tell me what you know and what you remember about what you did, what happened and why you did it.

 

The agreement was to read this letter, try to accept it, to then destroy it, and then move on and put it to rest. No judgements, no secondary inquisitions, no but, but and more questions...

 

the agreement was also that if what was written was unacceptable, that I was unable to live with that, that I would leave, not because of truth or because of lies, or trickle truthing or any of that, but because we were incapable of communicating in a way that allowed us to move forward. This strategy would never work on Dday, but at some point in the long process of reconciliation, at the moment of forgiveness and accepting that no one ever knows 100% of the truth of anything, not even themselves, they just need to let go of the past and try better in the future not to allow these things to pass. (my WW's infidelity was after 17 years of marriage and with a co-worker that went on for more than a year, so my interest to exit was stronger than yours)

 

The point is this: the marriage depends on the two of you resolving this issue together. It's not about the truth, it's about finding closure. This is what you have said. If you have tried to find closure for over a year and it is not working, either you will not find closure this way and need to find another, or you need to end this marriage. And it seems to me that ending this marriage is the last thing you wish to do.

Edited December 27, 2015 by fellini

[fellini]

Wow. I really never looked at it that way. Or at least didn't want to accept it. Even if i dont know all the details what i do know is more than enough to move forward and maybe now its up to me to look inside and find out why i wont let it go and what i can do to let it go.

 

I think i will defiitely have to bring tis up with my therapist.

 

I think you may be right that at this point its less what he can do and more what i should do.

 

Thank you for your input it really has helped me understand a lot.

 

I could love this a 1000 times because I see a woman who is truly beginning to understand that she is in charge of her own happiness and peace. However you get there, I wish you well and hope you find a way to rid yourself of these demons so that 2016 is a year you will look back on as one of your most important turning points.

[MrsConflicted]

(I see this second after posting you already came to this conclusion!)

 

 

One of the ways my WW and I dealt with closure long after DDay was to ask her to write me a letter explaining what she could, no holding back, and no talking about what "she forgets". Just tell me what you know and what you remember about what you did, what happened and why you did it.

 

The agreement was to read this letter, try to accept it, to then destroy it, and then move on and put it to rest. No judgements, no secondary inquisitions, no but, but and more questions...

 

the agreement was also that if what was written was unacceptable, that I was unable to live with that, that I would leave, not because of truth or because of lies, or trickle truthing or any of that, but because we were incapable of communicating in a way that allowed us to move forward. This strategy would never work on Dday, but at some point in the long process of reconciliation, at the moment of forgiveness and accepting that no one ever knows 100% of the truth of anything, not even themselves, they just need to let go of the past and try better in the future not to allow these things to pass. (my WW's infidelity was after 17 years of marriage and with a co-worker that went on for more than a year, so my interest to exit was stronger than yours)

 

The point is this: the marriage depends on the two of you resolving this issue together. It's not about the truth, it's about finding closure. This is what you have said. If you have tried to find closure for over a year and it is not working, either you will not find closure this way and need to find another, or you need to end this marriage. And it seems to me that ending this marriage is the last thing you wish to do.

 

That is defiitely a good strategy, i may ask him to try that with me.

 

But you are right obviously my way of finding closure is not working so i need to find a new way even if that means it is internally by myself.

 

I definitely do not want to end the marriage, ww have way too much in our relationship to let go od over this, i knew that from the beginning or i would have just left after he spent the night with her.

 

Hopefully speaking to him with this new mentality and with a therapist will give me some guidance in how to overcome this.

[MrsConflicted]

I could love this a 1000 times because I see a woman who is truly beginning to understand that she is in charge of her own happiness and peace. However you get there, I wish you well and hope you find a way to rid yourself of these demons so that 2016 is a year you will look back on as one of your most important turning points.

 

Thank you. With your insight i do believe i am definitely on my way

 

Thank you