crazy_grl Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I'll try to explain this as succinctly as possible. If that *is* possible. The guy I'm interested in (truthfully, absolutely in love with) and have been FWB with for a year told me that he doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't know why he doesn't want one, just that he doesn't, but he does care for me as more than a friend. He agreed that we would only be friends for now and nothing more, however a relationship was a possibility in the future. He was really good about living up to that agreement until a couple weeks ago when we were hanging out, and he started trying very strongly to convince me to have sex. I told him that I wouldn't, because I just couldn't handle it being casual anymore. He said he understood and appologized. The next day, I both regretted it (because he's seriously hot and great in bed) and was glad I made the decision (because I knew it would only complicate things). About a week later, he invited me over, and we were hanging out. He started kissing me, I let my judgement lapse, and we ended up in his bedroom. It was great until afterward when I started crying because I knew it didn't have the same meaning for him as it did for me. I didn't let him see me crying though. Later on, he told me he was sorry that he did that. I told him it wasn't his fault, and it was okay. I really wasn't upset, but after a few more days, I think I am mad that he didn't take my feelings into account after how much I'd stressed it the last time. Last night on the phone, I told him that I didn't think we could be friends and that he was giving me mixed messages. He said there'd only been one mixed message, which was when we slept together. I pointed out that he'd also begun calling me more and inviting me over more often after our talk. He said that that was based on circumstances, and I was making assumptions. Then he started criticizing my way of thinking. I realize that I can occasionally jump to the wrong conclusions, but he has a habit of making it seem like I'm completely wrong. After he said something like, "Keep doing that and see where it gets you.", I got mad and told him , "F*ck off. Don't f*cking lecture me." That obviously upset him. I immediately regretted saying it, but I couldn't take it back. So now he's pissed, and I'm pissed at him. But I also feel really bad that I hurt his feelings. I appologized, but I'm afraid he doesn't want anything to do with me after this (as well as another instance where I told him I didn't want to talk to him again). I would really hate that, but in some ways, I'd also welcome it, because I'd know for sure that there was no future instead of just wondering and hoping that there might be. This whole damn situation is really confusing. irritating, and pissing me off. The thought of not being with him hurts, but the thought of losing him completely almost hurts more. I've been friends with people I've had feelings for before, but never someone I loved this much. I'm not handling it well at all, and I'm just making things worse. I don't know what I should do. Should I just give up and get out now? Should I try to fix this, and how can I fix it?
Sal Paradise Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I say give him some space. If he wants to be with you he'll contact you. He sounds confused. Some distance apart could help.
noname Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by Sal Paradise I say give him some space. If he wants to be with you he'll contact you. He sounds confused. Some distance apart could help. i second this. and give yourself some space at the same time. and i also wouldn't discuss it before it happens. take space for yourself. if he asks you what's up, tell him then that you thought you both needed a breather. i should mention though that i am not a big advocate of planning "breaks". it seems to make things more akward... but i guess it could work for other people...
Author crazy_grl Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Thanks, Sal & noname. It's good advice, and I tried to do just that. I didn't like the thought of an extended absence with his last thoughts of me being negative though. So I called him, and he asked me to come over to talk. We talked and worked it all out. It made me feel better, then that made me feel sad, because it reminded me of why I love him. Basically, when I'm upset with someone, anything they say just makes me more angry or annoyed. But when I saw him, I couldn't even think about being mad. (Which is one reason why I should stick to my own rule about never having serious discussions over the phone.) I intended to let him know I needed some space, but I couldn't do it. I know logically I probably do, but I would never be able to actually do it. I'd end up calling him the next day and end up looking totally flaky. I will do my best to take an emotional step backward though and just keep trying to spend more time with the rest of my friends. I'm also going to try to stay optimistic, because my biggest problem is probably that I completely drive myself insane thinking of the worst possible outcomes and expecting them to happen.
noname Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl I intended to let him know I needed some space, but I couldn't do it. I know logically I probably do, but I would never be able to actually do it. I'd end up calling him the next day and end up looking totally flaky. I will do my best to take an emotional step backward though and just keep trying to spend more time with the rest of my friends. I'm also going to try to stay optimistic, because my biggest problem is probably that I completely drive myself insane thinking of the worst possible outcomes and expecting them to happen. that is exactly why i said take space at your own pace. if you don't discuss it, you can't possibly look like a flake when you breakdown. how candid about your feelings were you with him? does he know exactly how you feel? take up a new or old hobby that is time consuming...
Author crazy_grl Posted June 4, 2005 Author Posted June 4, 2005 how candid about your feelings were you with him? does he know exactly how you feel? He knows exactly how I feel. I haven't told him that I love him, because I don't think it'd be a good time for that, but I did tell him that I've never felt this way about anyone else. Considering that he knows I lived with my last bf for about a year, he probably has a good idea that I love him. take up a new or old hobby that is time consuming... I actually have plenty of hobbies (and projects I took on related to them) that are time consuming. I've just kind of lost interest in them at the moment, probably because I've got so many projects lined up that I'm not sure where to start. And if I take on new hobbies, I'll never finish the things I promised people I would do for them. Thanks for taking the time to offer your advice.
noname Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Thanks for taking the time to offer your advice. no problem...
Recommended Posts