Letting go when they can't....

[hohum]

My ex keeps saying he still loves me and doesn't want to let me go but he simultaneously is unable to give me the attention I need and deserve. Two months ago he said he wanted to work on things but he didn't seem to do anything different and again I was the only one putting forth the efforts. After recent talks about this - he has gotten even more distant - not reaching out like he used to to check in. Yet we just had time together for the holiday - he was full of tears (doesn't really cry much) - explaining he is confused because he does love me and loves being with me - but can't give me what I need. He knows it's not fair but he doesn't want to let me go.

 

I don't know how to walk away from someone I love so deeply who is still expressing such love.

 

I begged him to just let me go - I told him it's okay. He said it's not okay with him. I don't understand what to do.

[basil67]

What to do? You break up with him and go No Contact. You say you love him, but I will lay money that after the initial shock wears off you'll find that you actually feel much better out of the relationship and ready for a new start in life.

 

You can't hang on to dead wood just because they won't let go.

[Chronotrgr]

I can't say I was in the exact same situation, but definitely similar, me and my ex saw a lot of each other, at least 3 days and nights a week and on occasion a night where her son would sleep over, she also found bags of time throughout the day to keep in contact with me, in hindsight life was pretty good in those days.

 

Then she moved in with me because her mother gave her the boot, then almost over night this all changed, I thought we would have even more time together but rather it went the other way, her ex (father of the child) made things extremely difficult, we couldn't swap over schools, doctors, or anything vwithout his consent which he refused to give, he fraudulently claimed tax credit for the child and wouldn't give it up so that she had the money she was entitled to, the whole situation was an entire mess and caused a lot of arguing, we had to go down the legal route to sort it out so the days and nights we used to have free suddenly became the days and nights we regularly saw solicitors and did our homework.

 

After a few months we resolved the situation but we was so stressed out from my situation, she pulled away, she began spending all her days out with her granddad, eventually we only saw each other properly late at night and when the child was with us and without being nasty to the child, he is a brat to put it mildly and requires all her time and attention, he didn't adjust well to the move and even now, never stops acting out.

 

We had a blow out in August, she kicked me out and finished me, I went to live with my mum for a while, she promised she would priotise time for us and days set out for us when we got back together, but it never happened, she didn't even try, instead she started staying night's at her granddad's house, and was only back late Wednesday night, so we basically had no time together, eventually she decided I should move out since it was causing a few arguments here and there and in general I just looked pretty miserable in her eyes living with her.

 

She wanted to remain together and see how it worked out with us living apart but I knew it wouldn't get better from there and I knew she wouldn't priotise our time together, so I ended the relationship and jumped straight to no contact, she threw some breadcrumbs out there basically saying she always wanted to be close and doesn't want to be a apart but without actions to back those words up, I didn't see any point in replying to her.

 

It seems like something so simple, spending time together and being a priority for someone, I've never known anybody to make it so difficult throughout all the relationships I have been involved in, if I felt she was genuinely finding it difficult to find time to spend together, like being tied up at work or something like that, I could look passed it as one of those things but it's nothing like that, she chooses to stay out all day and night rather than has to, so I can only feel like I'm being taken for granted like some kind of mug.

 

My dad never taught me much unless it was the history of his videogame collection lol but he taught me that when a person your involved with doesn't make you a priority in their life, you have to walk away, no guilt, no remorse, you have to walk away.

[hohum]

Thank you for your replies. I still have the majority of my belongings at his place. I am still finding my footing back in my city again....and thought we were "working on things". This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and I hate it.