danhalen138 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Broke up with my ex-girlfriend about 5 months ago. Anyone who cares for some background can see the story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/541415-she-left-just-before-starting-next-chapter#post6474469 Since then I've been pretty much NC besides a few brief texts in October leading to a long email I sent her pretty much laying out everything I never got to say to her during the initial break up. No response and that was the last communication I had with her. I was facebook stalking her until last week when I saw she had unfriended me. The "unfriending" really upset me more than it should even though I can see it really was a blessing. From looking at her facebook I learned she has moved to Mexico to be with the guy she left me for. Now it's the Holidays, I live in a different state than my family and all my friends are out of town visiting their families. My work is really slow so I basically have a couple weeks off and just being isolated like this has been really hard. I was definitely not over her but now without the distraction of any sort of social environment I feel like I've regressed. Started drinking again like I did when we first broke up and can't stop thinking about last winter when we spent the holidays together at a ski resort in Japan. When I try to sleep I just think about her laying in bed next to someone else and how happy she is. Intellectually I recognize that even if she miraculously came back the damage is done and I wouldn't reconcile, but it doesn't stop me from pining for her. I wish she felt even a hint of what I've gone through the last few months and it makes me angry that she gets to go on living this happy life while I'm just stuck. This sucks :\
K2z Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I identify with you 100%. My ex left our home in March for a three month trip to Europe to "visit her sister" and was married to another guy by November. It is absolute scorched earth between us. She's MARRIED for God's sake. I've sent her a final letter making it clear it's impossible to be friends and saying that these are my final words to her, i.e. we will never see or speak to each other again in this lifetime. And yet, she is all I think about. There's a Grand Canyon-sized vacuum in my chest devoted to her. All of my limbs feel weighed down by iron anvils. I have no idea what the point of anything is. The notion of her little perfect life in little perfect Europe -- or worse, his moving to Thailand for her-- drives me positively insane.
OldRover Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Really sorry for both of you. This is suppose to be a happy time. Sure hope things improve. But, it WILL improve. I've been there and can appreciate how lousy it is... but it gets better. Look forward, not backward... as hard as it is. You will make it. I'd give you a hug (but guys aint suppose to hug... BS....) However, I'd buy you a beer and listen.
Strength in Healing Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 The mistake you and basically all of us make at times is thinking they're with someone else and happy. But you see, that isn't reality. That's not at all realistic. Based on her actions, she isn't trustworthy and clearly has unresolved issues. She did it to you, and she'll do it to the next guy, but the real damage is what she's doing to herself inside.
Author danhalen138 Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 K2z man I just ready your whole thread. That's just a terrible situation. My girl actually asked me to meet her parents at one point when we were near her home in Japan and I declined as we had only been dating a few months. While I could feel she was someone special I was still being guarded and not wanting to be to vulnerable to her at that point as I'd been hurt before. I've often kicked myself by not taking her up on it although I don't think it would have mattered as I'm sure she knew I saw a marriage in our future. I've dated a Thai girl too and can totally relate with some of the differences in culture/education/wealth you discussed. It actually led to me ending things with her eventually as it just seemed difficult to form a real connection with her beyond just a pleasant person who I can share a bed with. The mistake you and basically all of us make at times is thinking they're with someone else and happy. But you see, that isn't reality. That's not at all realistic. Based on her actions, she isn't trustworthy and clearly has unresolved issues. She did it to you, and she'll do it to the next guy, but the real damage is what she's doing to herself inside. I dunno man, I kinda gotta disagree with that. I've broken some girls' hearts in my day (never cheated or overlapped) and while I knew they were hurt it didn't stop me at all from living my life and finding happiness in new relationships. I won't say I never thought of them again but I never felt remorse or pain from ending the relationship or guilt with a new one. That's kinda what gets me is she occupies the vast majority of my thoughts and I'm sure she hardly ever thinks about me and when she does it's just a small blip on her radar.
K2z Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Thanks for reading it. My confidence and self-esteem are in the gutter. I drink way too much and take too many meds to get decent sleep which leave me sluggish the next day. My weight is up and I'm kind of a chunko these days. I feel total futility about so many things, including the gym. Surely I would feel a bit better but yeccccch. What's the point. The apartment we shared is like a freakin graveyard of shattered hopes and I am trying to move out ASAP. I feel like roadkill, and she is in the limousine that ran me over, having the time of her life rolling down the highway with another guy. I hope she thinks of me, but I bet she does not. And I think she is working at getting pregnant, which of course she will succeed at. I have no words for the pain I feel over that. Broken box cutters lodged in my chest, is how I described it in another thread. I do some volunteering and that helps a little. Expending energy for something positive and genuinely helpful to someone in need. I feel comfortable working in a kitchen. If I could work in a kitchen from sunup to sundown and collapse in bed after one draft beer I would like it. I may need a bigger pattern break... like leaving Asia and moving back home for a little while. Maybe being a kitchen grunt in the nice Italian restaurant down the street for the Summer and Fall. Getting a bunch of household affairs in order.
thespacey1 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 The mistake you and basically all of us make at times is thinking they're with someone else and happy. But you see, that isn't reality. That's not at all realistic. Based on her actions, she isn't trustworthy and clearly has unresolved issues. She did it to you, and she'll do it to the next guy, but the real damage is what she's doing to herself inside. Very well stated...really. Thank you! I too needed to read that. I totally feel your pain,OP. Strength in Healing said it VERY well. Re-read his post. We have to remind ourselves of that message. If someone is truly happy and moved on, there is no need to boast especially if no one even asked.
thespacey1 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Broke up with my ex-girlfriend about 5 months ago. Anyone who cares for some background can see the story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/541415-she-left-just-before-starting-next-chapter#post6474469 Since then I've been pretty much NC besides a few brief texts in October leading to a long email I sent her pretty much laying out everything I never got to say to her during the initial break up. No response and that was the last communication I had with her. I was facebook stalking her until last week when I saw she had unfriended me. The "unfriending" really upset me more than it should even though I can see it really was a blessing. From looking at her facebook I learned she has moved to Mexico to be with the guy she left me for. Now it's the Holidays, I live in a different state than my family and all my friends are out of town visiting their families. My work is really slow so I basically have a couple weeks off and just being isolated like this has been really hard. I was definitely not over her but now without the distraction of any sort of social environment I feel like I've regressed. Started drinking again like I did when we first broke up and can't stop thinking about last winter when we spent the holidays together at a ski resort in Japan. When I try to sleep I just think about her laying in bed next to someone else and how happy she is. Intellectually I recognize that even if she miraculously came back the damage is done and I wouldn't reconcile, but it doesn't stop me from pining for her. I wish she felt even a hint of what I've gone through the last few months and it makes me angry that she gets to go on living this happy life while I'm just stuck. This sucks :\ Yes,holidays can be rough. You'll be ok with time...give yourself time to grieve a bit. Also, keep reminding yourself of the wise messages that have been posted in this thread.
Blanco Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I was prepared to feel lousy this holiday season, but the truth is, it's been mostly good. It's my first Christmas post-breakup. We shared three Christmases together; none of them were good, and yet, this time of year can make you long for the idealized romantic relationship. Turns out, this was the most enjoyable Christmas I've experienced in years. And the best part is that it came from a real centered, non-materialistic place. I didn't receive a single gift today. Actually, that's not true. I hosted my first Christmas at my place and was surrounded by people I care about who also care about me. I was in charge of the food for the first time and it was a rousing success. I met my soon-to-be godson for the first time and he absolutely adored me. It reminded me that, yeah, I still want kids and I could do a nice job at it. It was a relatively small gathering, but we shared so many great stories, lots of laughs, and all with minimal stress that can come with the holidays. Truth is, I barely THOUGHT about my ex the entire day, let alone felt bad that weren't spending this day together. I guess what I'm saying is that while this time of year can be rough for the heartbroken, it shouldn't be a roadblock that stops us from appreciating the good still in our lives and the people who choose to remain part of it.
K2z Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I whine too much. I miss her, and the information vacuum is devastating (what is she thinking? Has she read my note? How many times? Does she regret this rash decision to marry? Is Europe boring the s**t out of her yet?). But the truth is the holiday does offer a chance to get together with nice people in a spirit of kindness and happiness. I went to a lovely Christmas eve dinner party and met some cool people. It just aches like hell. I need to dynamite the logjam in my life -- to de-trigger my environment of all reminders of her. Possibly to be in a new country, a new career field, whatever. I can't keep doing the same thing. OP I don't mean to hijack your thread BTW. It's just that our situations are so dang parallel.
Recommended Posts