Has she gone distant and what can i do about it?

[Thisnameistoolong]

So 3 month ago I met this girl, she is about 4 years older than me, and must say I was attracted to her from the first sight. But then we got to know each other better and started texting and seeing each other a lot. And she really made me feel something that I've never felt before for anyone else. And I got the feeling that she is the perfect girl for me, the one I was looking my entire life. I mean we love the same things, do the same things, have the same hobby and overall I was fascinated how two persons can be the same, had a feeling like I've found my soul mate.

 

So for 2 months we have been texting each other every day and seeing each other about 3-4 times a week, and sometimes even more, which I thought its great because we are both introverts and do not like to socialize very much. And I was myself with her and really enjoyed our time together, and I managed to stay calm and to control myself cause I've had a feeling that everything is going great and that she also likes me, why would she spent so much time with me if she doesn't? She introduced me to her friends and so on. So for the first time in my life I was really happy and I started being confident in myself.

 

So I've decided to tell her about my feelings towards her. But about 5 weeks ago, one day after that night when I've decided to go all out, we agreed to see each other and hang out a bit, but the moment I've met her I saw that she was tired and somewhat frustrated. She told me that she got a temporary job, though she didn't want it so much, and that she now has many obligations and that she won't have so much time in following few weeks. Of course I understood, though I decided not to tell her what I've wanted that night because I could see she really wasn't in the mood, though she was nice and warm to me as always, but I decided to wait for a better moment, and we just talked about things and joked and I've done everything I could to cheer her up.

 

My problem now starts after that night. Of course I knew that she was busy, but I could not resist and called her on several occasions in past 5 weeks, but every time I would ask her to hang out I would get "Sorry I have so much things to do today" or "Sorry I already have something arranged so see ya for the weekend" (cause of our same hobby we meet at least once a week now, at weekend with our other friends though) and I was the one that started all of the conversations over Facebook suddenly, I've got feeling that she is just bored of me or gone cold, because she wouldn't let the conversation flowing like she did before.

 

Then 2 weeks before when I've asked her over Facebook if she would like to hang out she told me "I really have so much things to do today, sorry for always dumping you, better don't call me anymore :)" my reaction when I read that was one loud "W T F was ****ing that supposed to mean?!?!". Is she just joking or really means that?!?! I started feeling depressed, again. But I managed to stay cool and apologized if I was boring her with all this asking out and told her to tell me if I can do something to help her with all that stuff. Then again when we see each other at weekend she acts like ever before,though she constantly complains that she is overwhelmed with job and things that she has to do, so I don't know if she really is that much busy or is going distant from me, or is both, or she really didn't like me anyway just saw me as a friend because the majority of her friends are guys and but I might be skeptical but I think that she doesn't act the same with me and with them...

 

Then about 5 days ago I decided to try my luck again and asked her if she wants to go on movie and she said "I don't know, I really have a lot of things to do over day, so I think I'm just gonna stay home at night" that really was a hard blow because she told me earlier that now she will have more time this week and on so I thought that there is a good chance she was giving me cold shoulder. And day after that I saw her with our friends cause of our hobby, and she again acted like she did act with me before so I don't know what the flying **** is going on?!?! I have a feeling that she tries to avoid being alone with me for some reason, but than again that she has no problem in being with me when other people are present. And I really don't know what to do, I really feel bad these days. I've tried to distance myself from her, I have tried rellty, but I just can't get her out of my head.

 

I am miserably failing at studies this month because from the moment I wake up, till I fall asleep I think about her. I can not concentrate on anything else, I cant even read a ****ing 2 book pages and not start thinking of her. When I am talking with other girls I am just bored because they are not her, when I am with my best friends all I can do is complain about my ****ed up situation and thing with this girl, and can't enjoy the time with them or games or films or anything. She is really driving me crazy!

 

So I am asking advice, what should I do? How to reattract her if she has gone cold? Or am I just being skeptic? I really don't know how much can I go this way...I can't move on with my life...I mean I've had a pretty hard time and a 2 years of depression, and she made me feel happy, really happy for the first time in my life. Before I've met her I couldn't wait to fall asleep, now I couldn't wait to wake up and see her again. I know I sound stupid or like drama queen but this is how the things stand. She helped me to feel better and now I am really scared of rejection, because for the first time in my whole life I really do care, she means to me more than anyone else, so i don't know how can I keep up if she says "no". I simply need her in my life. I've never felt like this before and I desperately miss the time when we alone were walking at night and the time when we saw each other 3-5 times a week, or when we texted each other like first time when awake thing...How to get the old tempo with her?

 

What should I do I really need advice?

Edited January 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs - V

[Radarsat]

Dude, let me first state that what I'm about to tell you is something that I should have listened to right away with a few girls....so please, take no offence by it....

 

She's not into you dude. Either another guy came along and you're just not aware of it yet. OR...she simply lost the connection between the two of you that you still feel.

 

Next time your at your hobby on the weekend with her. I'd just pull her aside and ask her upfront. "Hey, we were really hitting it off for a while there....I thought we had something. Is there something that I did to alter the relationship? Or is it simply just something else? Please let me know so that I can move on".

 

And yeah, you DO need to move on. The only other thing I want to mention, and this is related to my own mental health issues...you mention your depression. If your having that much of a hard time with studies, friends, own hobbies because this girl is dominating your thought process, then please at least consider some form of counselling. I see a psychologist regularly and there is simply no shame in going to one. And I know it's helped me tremendously.

 

All the best man. Keep us informed. This is a great forum and the people here have helped me tremendously.

[katiegrl]

As a woman, I will tell you what is going on.

 

She was really really into you ....but when you revealed your strong feelings for her, it scared her off.

 

Your intensity scared her off, and now she is waffling back and forth, because on one hand, she still has feelings, but on the other hand, your intensity scares her and caused her to lose a bit of attraction to you.

 

So here is what you do.

 

Nothing! Do not contact her. Do not ask her why she has distanced herself, do not even show up at the hobby you share together -- just disappear!

 

I am not kidding dude -- disappear!!

 

In this case, all the talking in the world will not help - she needs space!

 

Space to wonder about you, space to miss you, space to figure out what the hell she wants.

 

So just disappear from her life for awhile, you have done enough. Too much in fact.

 

If she still has feelings for you, which I personally think she does, she WILL wonder about you, where you are, why you are not chasing her, and start to miss you!

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Thisnameistoolong]

Thanks on the advice I'll try to do that, the only reason I haven't done that in the first place is because I fear if I give her space she will cold out completely and it will be over for sure, or she will just meet someone else and forget about me...

[katiegrl]

Thanks on the advice I'll try to do that, the only reason I haven't done that in the first place is because I fear if I give her space she will cold out completely and it will be over for sure, or she will just meet someone else and forget about me...

 

Yes that could happen. Which means you never really had her in the first place.

 

And I don't see as you have a choice anyway. Because if you continue to stick around, being a doormat and allowing HER to call the shots, you will surely lose her forever.

 

She will lose respect, and that's it.

 

Distancing yourself and disappearing is the only chance you have here.

 

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

 

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, she is yours. If not, you never had her in the first place."

 

Often times, people don't know or appreciste what they have, until it's gone!

 

Please, set her free! No contact. I am telling you, it is your ONLY chance of building her attraction again.

 

You scared her off. She is turned off. Sticking around will only suffocate her more.

 

She needs space, and lots of it. Again, to wonder about you, to miss you. To realize her feelings and what she wants, hopefully you!

 

When you are constantly around, pressuring her, even though you don't mean to, she will never realize any of those things.

 

She will just think "ugh, why won't this guy leave me alone"? " I keep making excuses, why isn't he getting it"?

 

So please, leave her alone. Distance yourself and just disappear.

 

Give her a chance to realize her feelings, and let HER come to YOU.

 

I know it goes against everything you want to do, but you must.

 

I am telling you, as a woman who has been though this ...it is your only chance.

 

If she never contracts you again, then you move on. There is nothing you could have done anyway. And at least you can walk away with some self-respect.

 

Wish you the best!

Edited December 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[Radarsat]

Yes that could happen. Which means you never really had her in the first place.

 

And I don't see as you have a choice anyway. Because if you continue to stick around, being a doormat and allowing HER to call the shots, you will surely lose her forever.

 

She will lose respect, and that's it.

 

Distancing yourself and disappearing is the only chance you have here.

 

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

 

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, she is yours. If not, you never had her in the first place."

 

Often times, people don't know or appreciste what they have, until it's gone!

 

Please, set her free! No contact. I am telling you, it is your ONLY chance of building her attraction again.

 

You scared her off. She is turned off. Sticking around will only suffocate her more.

 

She needs space, and lots of it. Again, to wonder about you, to miss you. To realize her feelings and what she wants, hopefully you!

 

When you are constantly around, pressuring her, even though you don't mean to, she will never realize any of those things.

 

She will just think "ugh, why won't this guy leave me alone"? " I keep making excuses, why isn't he getting it"?

 

So please, leave her alone. Distance yourself and just disappear.

 

Give her a chance to realize her feelings, and let HER come to YOU.

 

I know it goes against everything you want to do, but you must.

 

I am telling you, as a woman who has been though this ...it is your only chance.

 

If she never contracts you again, then you move on. There is nothing you could have done anyway. And at least you can walk away with some self-respect.

 

Wish you the best!

 

Took me a little bit to figure this out, but dude, she is completely correct. Let her go and if your lucky, you may just have her reach out. But it might not either. One thing for sure, if you continue to chase, she will get further away. I would start looking at other options if I were you. All the best bro.

[xcupid]

Sorry dude but she's gone cold for whatever reason and you can't re-attract her. Go NC immediately. Pull it together and concentrate on your studies and socialize with your friends to avoid thinking about her. She's not the only fish in the sea even if you think right now she is.

[Thisnameistoolong]

I would like to thank you all for all of the advice, I really appreciate it. I will listen to you and give her some space and see how will that turn out. Now I have a holiday break and I think I'm gonna go travel for several days to just distance myself from everything and try to clear my mind. I'll keep you updated if this NC thing helps. It is really nice to see that there are still people that are willing to help other people even if they don't know them. Wish you all the best and thanks for caring

[katiegrl]

I would like to thank you all for all of the advice, I really appreciate it. I will listen to you and give her some space and see how will that turn out. Now I have a holiday break and I think I'm gonna go travel for several days to just distance myself from everything and try to clear my mind. I'll keep you updated if this NC thing helps. It is really nice to see that there are still people that are willing to help other people even if they don't know them.

 

 

Wish you all the best and thanks for caring

 

You are very welcome! And best wishes for 2016 going forward.

 

I hope things work out, and pls keep us posted!

 

Fingers crossed.

 

But even it not, you will be okay....pls know that.

 

I know you're a guy....lol but hugs anyway.

[road]

As a woman, I will tell you what is going on.

 

She was really really into you ....but when you revealed your strong feelings for her, it scared her off.

 

Your intensity scared her off, and now she is waffling back and forth, because on one hand, she still has feelings, but on the other hand, your intensity scares her and caused her to lose a bit of attraction to you.

 

So here is what you do.

 

Nothing! Do not contact her. Do not ask her why she has distanced herself, do not even show up at the hobby you share together -- just disappear!

 

I am not kidding dude -- disappear!!

 

In this case, all the talking in the world will not help - she needs space!

 

Space to wonder about you, space to miss you, space to figure out what the hell she wants.

 

So just disappear from her life for awhile, you have done enough. Too much in fact.

 

If she still has feelings for you, which I personally think she does, she WILL wonder about you, where you are, why you are not chasing her, and start to miss you!

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

 

 

 

Good advice though she may have friend zoned you. Either way give her space. Be prepared to write her off.

[Thisnameistoolong]

Hey guys, first of all happy new year and holidays to everyone, I took your advice and gave her some space, and I don't know what happened but we started texting again last week, we also bumped onto each other few days ago, and talked a lot as we were going the same way. So these days I feel a little bit better, although I am still scared if I start the same tempo as before I'll scare her again. Now I am totally confused and don't know what to do, should I wait more time or ask her on a date now? Or should I just admit my feelings when we are alone? And how should I do that? Because I was told by my female friend not to tell a women that I love her and not to reveal my feelings as that would turn her off.

[smudge21]

I believe you have to follow Katiegri's advice on this one and follow it to the letter. I know how nice it can feel when someone we want actually seems to make some effort and start showing interest with the occasional text or meeting up, but stand back and look at it. What is she actually doing here? Is she really giving you what you want, showing you the same attention you show her, or is she just feeding you breadcrumbs and making sure you're still around. The moment you respond to her attention, I bet she backs off again for a while, leaving you feeling all lost again. I know this because I'm there too, right now as I type this.

 

 

Katiegrls advice is spot on but oh so hard to take as it asks us to walk away from someone we want to walk towards all the time. But she is right that constantly being there for someone and doing all the work will eventually push them away forever. Also, how can they miss us or feel anything for us when we constantly don't give them time to. Any relationship should be as close to 50/50 as possible - I know mine isn't. I know I do all the work to keep us close. Yeah, she'll stay in touch as often as possible, but she'll also push away should I try to suggest anything more. Ask yourself if your girl is doing anything close to the same amount of work you're doing to keep this alive, or is she just "being there".

 

 

I reckon you're deeper than I am right now but still I understand how hard this is going to be for you (and me) to stop contact with someone. Yes, there's a very good chance they'll walk away too... but if they do, then clearly they never really truly cared or wanted us. If that happens, then you have to accept it and move on. Stop making excuses for her actions and start focusing on your own actions, also don't try to think as to why she acts a certain way, you'll never work out that puzzle.

 

 

I know for me the hardest part will be when she contacts me asking how I am or why I've gone quiet. The urge to respond will be strong, and yes, I may weaken, there's no doubt about it, but I'm hoping I won't. Even if I can just reply with "yeah, I'm fine, just busy" it'll be a lot better than the usual chasing texts I've been doing.

 

 

Oh and finally, this thing about not telling someone how you feel about them... I don't think there's a right or wrong way. I've known people who have split up because one party never said that they loved them, so it can go wrong either way. The fact is, you opened up and that moment you did was what felt right for you. Okay, it may have backfired but at the time you were being honest with yourself. Now you just have to accept the situation as it is (as you can't change the past) and work on making it better.

[Zippy2000]

Now I am totally confused and don't know what to do, should I wait more time or ask her on a date now? Or should I just admit my feelings when we are alone? And how should I do that? Because I was told by my female friend not to tell a women that I love her and not to reveal my feelings as that would turn her off.

 

You've already told her this before! You've told her how you felt and can you not remembee what happened last time?

 

She distanced herself.

 

I'd refrain from telling her again. She already knows you like her. The very fact she has contacting you after a few weeks doesnt necessarily mean that she wants to be with you. It could just mean she's checking in on you.

 

Take things slow for now and build a rapport with her. Valentines day is coming up soon so you could do something then.