I just don't understand this man

[blueberrymuffin]

A few years ago I met what felt like my soul mate, in the text book definition of the phrase. I've been around for three decades so I know my stuff and this was real He made it very clear that this was the same way for him. He often spoke about how we were so connected, that he had never experienced this level of connection.

 

To cut a long story short I pretty much wasted two years of my life, waiting in the wings seeing if he would make the move, but he never did and I finally moved on with he introduced me to a girl he was seeing. During this time he also mentioned how he couldn't be with someone who was to similar to him, soul mate, as this would be boring and you needed a ying to your yang blah blah.

 

I cut him out because it hurt to much to see him. He obviously missed me massively and keep trying for a year to get me to meet him or get me to send him a text which was more than a one word reply to something he had asked. I felt bad, but needed to get over him as I was heartbroken and couldn't have him in my space. Meantime I started getting with my current boyfriend who is kind and reliable.

 

I recently gave in and saw this guy again a few times, and in our first meeting I told him about the guy I had started seeing but said it was all a bit weird and I was unsure (which it was). A few months later he texted me to ask me to go out to this really romantic place. It was under the guise of friendship but the ambiance would be so romantic (by then I had cleared things with my bf but the guy did't know that). I was like no flipping way. I would freak if my bf went to a place like that with a single female friend and anybody would be uncomfortable going to a place like that with someone they weren't dating.

 

Cut to a few months ago and I meet the guy for coffee. Couple of hours into the same ol deep convo, he asked about the bf and I told him that we were doing ok, if things carried on this way I could see a real future. All of a sudden he brings up a girl he is seeing too. I'm thinking weird, why didn't you tell me this straight up.

 

He then asks to meet me again a couple of weeks later. Suddenly he's going to break up with this girl, he needs someone who gets him spiritually. His soul mate, someone who he has lots in common with. We had a really honest conversation and I kind of feel it in my gut that he means me. Pity a couple of years ago it was boring to be in a relationship with someone had too much in common with

 

I don't have any intention of leaving my bf, and even if we did break up I just wouldn't have the energy to go through the whole 'does he doesn't he' shbang with this guy again. I stand by the whole soul mate thing, but I've realised even if we are soul mates, we're never going to be together so what does it matter.

 

Crazy as this sounds I really need to resolve this in my head to move on. When he could have had me and I was crazy about him, why did't he? And now I'm talking serious about another guy, he suddenly wants to be with his soul mate. It's messed up!

 

Is this a classic case of you don't know what you had til you lost it?

[jackny123]

I believe in being honest, blunt and (unfortunately) as brutal as possible when it comes to these things.

 

It's going to very hard but quite simply YOU NEED TO CUT THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

I am a 28 year old man. I've seen it all, been through it all at this age. This guy is just keeping you around as insurance. He can't find "the one" but you're perhaps "almost the one" so he strings you along. You're his #2. The fallback. He had two years to declare his love and be with you in an honest, mature relationship. He didn't. He's done.

 

Please find another man, one that will care for you, commit to you and (at the very least) exclusively date only you (and only you!) without any games for 3, 6, 12, etc. months while he figures out whether or not he wants to marry you. The end.

[Zippy2000]

Is this a classic case of you don't know what you had til you lost it?

 

After everything you wrote. You answered your own question.

 

Of course he didnt know what he lost until it had gone. He thought the grass was truly greener on the other side and it wasnt.

 

He is keeping in touch with you as OPTION B. No man is that interested being a friend, I ve got female friends and I dont see them sometimes for months.

 

You are in a stronger position now as to me it sounds like he does still carry a torch for you.

 

You need to tell him you`re seeing your current boyfriend and you are happy so he can leave you alone and not mess with your head.

 

Focus on your current boyfriend. This other man from the past had his chance and he needs to learn from that.

[Leigh 87]

Why are you dating your current boyfriend if you admit he's not your soul mate?

 

When the rare men I felt "soul mate" ish about rejected me, I stayed single until I found my true soul mate.

 

I am now with a soul mate because I rejected many "nice dependable " guys because I knew what a soul connection felt like and couldn't settle for less.

 

I wouldn't bother with either guy; I'd remain single until I found another soul connection. With a hopefully available man.......

Edited December 26, 2015 by Leigh 87

[bathtub-row]

I think a lot of soul mate relationships are overrated. They can cause a huge amount of pain and confusion when the "meant to be" feeling doesn't pan out. Somewhere down the road, we were conditioned to think that they always do pan out, but they don't. You will believe with your heart and soul that the two of you will spend the rest of your days together with that "I have come home" feeling. But these relationships are often not meant to be and the people in those situations often don't end up together.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't waste any more time trying to figure him out. He's obviously flaky and, no matter how great he seems or how connected you think the two of you are, his behavior says it all. He is willing to lose you and hurt you. This is not a guy you want to be with. Yeah, there's some special tie between you, but that tie doesn't equal great love. You're better off with your bf. Please don't wreck your emotional life believing that you lost something with the other guy, because you haven't. The truth is, the two of you weren't meant to be. If you could accept that, then you wouldn't need to try to figure him out anymore.

[Leigh 87]

I think a lot of soul mate relationships are overrated. They can cause a huge amount of pain and confusion when the "meant to be" feeling doesn't pan out. Somewhere down the road, we were conditioned to think that they always do pan out, but they don't. You will believe with your heart and soul that the two of you will spend the rest of your days together with that "I have come home" feeling. But these relationships are often not meant to be and the people in those situations often don't end up together.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't waste any more time trying to figure him out. He's obviously flaky and, no matter how great he seems or how connected you think the two of you are, his behavior says it all. He is willing to lose you and hurt you. This is not a guy you want to be with. Yeah, there's some special tie between you, but that tie doesn't equal great love. You're better off with your bf. Please don't wreck your emotional life believing that you lost something with the other guy, because you haven't. The truth is, the two of you weren't meant to be. If you could accept that, then you wouldn't need to try to figure him out anymore.

 

 

 

 

Except soul mate relationships that last are so much better than relationships without the love of your life. ...

 

I am in a soul mate relationship. It beats the hell out of the relationships I had with safe and dependable guys who I was attracted to.

 

For me, attraction and compatability aren't enough to compel me to enter into a relationship. I need the magic.

 

Plus once you meet a soul mate, you realise that you fall harder for them and feel more head overheels then you could ever feel for a non soul mate.

 

I could never love a non soul mate as intensemble as I do my soul mate boyfriend.

 

I've had long term relationships; I am IN love with my soul mate. I was never IN love with my exes.

 

I feel more for me boyfriend of 4 months than I ever did for my exes with whom I lived with and spent over 2 years with.

 

Sometimes it pays to hold out for a special connection. Or you might just find that something is "missing" with that safe dependable guy who you're not passionately in live with.

 

Or even worse: you will meet a soul mate and realise that you feel a spark and that you feel more alive than you ever did with your *safe* partner.

[almond]

I am a 28 year old man. I've seen it all, been through it all at this age.

 

You have much to learn young grasshopper.

[Leigh 87]

You have much to learn young grasshopper.

 

I'm 28.

 

I've been with loads of men. I'm not proud of it but I am someone who has dated a lot for my age and there definitely ARE people with whom you feel a much stronger connection to than you do with others.

 

I also know that the majority of people that you fall super hard for won't be a good match for you.

 

Lastly, there are two types of people when it comes to relationships: those who hold out and wait for the love of their lives, which can take 50 plus years to find.....and then there is the vast majority who are more than happy with compatability and enough chemistry to enjoy sex.

[almond]

I'm 27, and there is no way in hell that in a year, I'll be going around saying "I've seen it all, been through it all at this age."

 

Lol. It is quite simply impossible, and I just found it entertaining to read.

[Leigh 87]

I'm 27, and there is no way in hell that in a year, I'll be going around saying "I've seen it all, been through it all at this age."

 

Lol. It is quite simply impossible, and I just found it entertaining to read.

 

I've been with far more men for my age than most women.

 

I also have various relationship role models. My own parents had the instant spark and soul mate feeling. They are still togethe and happy.

 

The best relationships I've see were the couples who had a soul mate connection. The types of relationships where they just *know* they are "The Ones"

 

These relationships are rare. But they are far more in love than relationships that lack the magic.

[Leigh 87]

OP,

 

I don't think either men will give you the feeling every girl dreams of.

 

You're clearly feeling more chemistry and more passionately about the soul mate. Sadly, he doesn't feel the same. If he did, he would be with you.

 

So instead, you're with a man who may be safe and dependable yet you lack that fire in your heart for him.

 

I am not saying it's common or even advisable. But I've been in your position; chasing after a man I had an amazing connection with when plenty of great guys wanted to treat me right and commit.

 

I waited for my soul connection. I am 28 as well. If this relationship doesn't work, I def won't be settling for a man who I don't feel as passionate about.

 

But I am different. I'd actually rather remain single than settle for the type of relationship you and your boyfriend share (I am not saying it's a bad relationship. I am sure it's amazing ). But I need more than "good on paper ".

 

Put it this way.... you have a boyfriend and yet you have to even think twice about a soul mate who comes out of the woodwork. You're obviously not passionately in love with your boyfriend.

 

With my relationship, any man from my past who I was super into and rejected by could come along and bag for me back...... and I would never be tempted because I have "that feeling " for my boyfriend (I am so passionate and consumed by our chemistry and amazing connection to much so to fathom the possibility of other men)

[blueberrymuffin]

I think a lot of soul mate relationships are overrated. They can cause a huge amount of pain and confusion when the "meant to be" feeling doesn't pan out. Somewhere down the road, we were conditioned to think that they always do pan out, but they don't. You will believe with your heart and soul that the two of you will spend the rest of your days together with that "I have come home" feeling. But these relationships are often not meant to be and the people in those situations often don't end up together.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't waste any more time trying to figure him out. He's obviously flaky and, no matter how great he seems or how connected you think the two of you are, his behavior says it all. He is willing to lose you and hurt you. This is not a guy you want to be with. Yeah, there's some special tie between you, but that tie doesn't equal great love. You're better off with your bf. Please don't wreck your emotional life believing that you lost something with the other guy, because you haven't. The truth is, the two of you weren't meant to be. If you could accept that, then you wouldn't need to try to figure him out anymore.

 

Thanks for all the replies. Yes I know I need to cut this guy out completely. Apart from the fact its not fair on my bf. I would be pissed if I knew he was meeting albeit platonically with his 'soul mate'.

 

I am also coming round to bathtub-row's POV. You might have found your soul mate but this does not mean they would make a romantic or life partner. With my bf there is so much to bounce off, he's so different it's interesting and we actually get things done.

 

I think society has so conditioned us to believe in the soul mate (almost like you knew each other in a previous life if I believed all of that ) that when you meet someone who you have that undeniable link with you need to hang on to them. But I'm done, regardless of my current bf situation. He'll keep messing with my head if I keep meeting him with a friend.

[bathtub-row]

I've known two men in my life that I felt were my true soul mates. I didn't end up with either one of them. The last one completely destroyed my faith in love and trust. As I said, I'm sure these relationships are great when they occasionally work out, but when they don't, they can tear up your life.

 

If you love your bf, if he treats you well, if the two of you have things in common and respect for one another, then you have the right ingredients for a great and lasting relationship. I personally wouldn't wait around for a soul mate situation, especially if you want children. You can waste a lot of your life hanging on illusions that may or may not transpire. And if you come across another Mr Soul Mate, there is absolutely no guarantee that things will work out with him, either.

 

To me, it seems like you have a really good thing going. That in itself is a rare thing, and worth hanging onto.

[blueberrymuffin]

I've known two men in my life that I felt were my true soul mates. I didn't end up with either one of them. The last one completely destroyed my faith in love and trust. As I said, I'm sure these relationships are great when they occasionally work out, but when they don't, they can tear up your life.

 

If you love your bf, if he treats you well, if the two of you have things in common and respect for one another, then you have the right ingredients for a great and lasting relationship. I personally wouldn't wait around for a soul mate situation, especially if you want children. You can waste a lot of your life hanging on illusions that may or may not transpire. And if you come across another Mr Soul Mate, there is absolutely no guarantee that things will work out with him, either.

 

To me, it seems like you have a really good thing going. That in itself is a rare thing, and worth hanging onto.

 

Bath-tub row, thanks for the advice. You really have struck a note with me. I totally get it. A kind, dependable and above all uncomplicated man is worth his weight in gold. The complexities of all the Mr Soul mates, the spiritual connections and two halfs of one whole just aren't worth the pain. I do wonder why it's always so cr**py with these types, what is about them, about the relationship. Why they're so flakey??

 

Seriously though, thank you!

[Leucine]

Bath-tub row, thanks for the advice. You really have struck a note with me. I totally get it. A kind, dependable and above all uncomplicated man is worth his weight in gold. The complexities of all the Mr Soul mates, the spiritual connections and two halfs of one whole just aren't worth the pain. I do wonder why it's always so cr**py with these types, what is about them, about the relationship. Why they're so flakey??

 

Seriously though, thank you!

 

Thank you for having this perspective instead of the soulmate BS on this thread. If only more women thought like you and didn't reject the good and dependable type of guys left and right just because they have so many options and would rather hang onto some convoluted illusions, while the guys who keep trying their best to find a reliable partner and treat her well are left with empty hands time after time again.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Leucine

[katiegrl]

Leigh, with respect would you please stop with all this soulmate bull crap...

 

Love is sooooooo much more than that immediate infatuation...and in no way is a solid foundation from which to develop a loving, mutually-rewarding, respectful, committed LTR.

 

It's fun and sexy and gets our adrenaline running high, but it is not real!

 

What is real is how respectful, dependable, empathetic, considerate and committed you are to each other...and the relationship.

 

And that takes time.

 

I had what I thought was that soul-mate connection, tons of chemistry and passion, etc, and came to learn the relationship was a big lie, and he was not anything I thought (or imagined) him to be.

 

I was blind..all because I thought he was my "soul-mate"....and placed him on a pedestal as a result.

 

Totally blind to who he truly was!

 

So forgive me if I don't believe in this soul-mate crap anymore.

 

It's NOT real...

 

I hope your current relationship works out, and that you are seeing him clearly and realistically... because that is the only way this will have a happy ending.

 

Good luck...

Edited December 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[bathtub-row]

Bath-tub row, thanks for the advice. You really have struck a note with me. I totally get it. A kind, dependable and above all uncomplicated man is worth his weight in gold. The complexities of all the Mr Soul mates, the spiritual connections and two halfs of one whole just aren't worth the pain. I do wonder why it's always so cr**py with these types, what is about them, about the relationship. Why they're so flakey??

 

Seriously though, thank you!

 

You're welcome! I'm glad it meant something to you. I think the key to soul mate relationships working out is that both people have to be very mature and highly evolved. The reason for that is because expectations become very high when the connection is so tight and that means that hurt and disappointments become exaggerated. So, misunderstandings can hit harder and, in general, each person feels they have a lot at stake emotionally. In other words, they can be high maintenance.

 

If I had a relationship like you have with your bf, I would be completely thrilled with that and in no way would I feel that I was missing out on anything.

Edited December 27, 2015 by bathtub-row

[katiegrl]

You're welcome! I'm glad it meant something to you. I think the key to soul mate relationships working out is that both people have to be very mature and highly evolved. The reason for that is because expectations become very high when the connection is so tight and that means that hurt and disappointments become exaggerated. So, misunderstandings can hit harder and, in general, each person feels they have a lot at stake emotionally. In other words, they can be high maintenance.

 

If I had a relationship like you have with your bf, I would be completely thrilled with that and in no way would I feel that I was missing out on anything.

 

I completely agree with this .... and boy a huge lesson learned for me for next time too.

 

Always thought I was very evolved and mature, but apparently not...as I insisted on staying blind to so many things.

 

Anyhoo, this thread is not about me ....just thought I'd add my two cents FWIW.

[mortensorchid]

This guy is yanking your chain. He knows you are crazy about him and pretends that he likes you, then goes off with other women because it makes him feel good about himself to know another woman (you) will always be there. Cut him out of your life and move on. Get under someone soon even if it's just bag it, tag it, give it cab fare.

[Leigh 87]

You're welcome! I'm glad it meant something to you. I think the key to soul mate relationships working out is that both people have to be very mature and highly evolved. The reason for that is because expectations become very high when the connection is so tight and that means that hurt and disappointments become exaggerated. So, misunderstandings can hit harder and, in general, each person feels they have a lot at stake emotionally. In other words, they can be high maintenance.

 

If I had a relationship like you have with your bf, I would be completely thrilled with that and in no way would I feel that I was missing out on anything.

 

 

 

You're right. The disagreements in soul mate relationships hurt more than usual relationships. You have so much to loose because, well...you love them more than non soul mate relationships. The love is less intense so you care less.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, with respect would you please stop with all this soulmate bull crap...

 

Love is sooooooo much more than that immediate infatuation...and in no way is a solid foundation from which to develop a loving, mutually-rewarding, respectful, committed LTR.

 

It's fun and sexy and gets our adrenaline running high, but it is not real!

 

What is real is how respectful, dependable, empathetic, considerate and committed you are to each other...and the relationship.

 

And that takes time.

 

I had what I thought was that soul-mate connection, tons of chemistry and passion, etc, and came to learn the relationship was a big lie, and he was not anything I thought (or imagined) him to be.

 

I was blind..all because I thought he was my "soul-mate"....and placed him on a pedestal as a result.

 

Totally blind to who he truly was!

 

So forgive me if I don't believe in this soul-mate crap anymore.

 

It's NOT real...

 

I hope your current relationship works out, and that you are seeing him clearly and realistically... because that is the only way this will have a happy ending.

 

Good luck...

 

 

 

Intense chemistry and that "wow factor" sure isn't enough on its own.

 

I too have had intense soul mate style connections that were one sided, with emotionally unavailable men (one that honestly can't feel for any woman and still admits that I was the closest he'd felt to true love) and the men I felt the most for were otherwise totally incompatible.

 

The best relationships in my opinion combine the intense feelings and Chemistry YOU had with your recent ex, but with a compatible and honorable partner.

 

The dream relationship has both : the soul mate connection and compatability.

 

Trust me Katie, I have dated around way more than most 29 year olds. While I am not into casual sex now, I have also been intimate with a very high number of men too.... and there is a distinct difference in both your feelings and how good intimate moments are, beween different men.

 

The men I had the intense connection with, the sex was better and my depth of emotions towards them superceded the safe and compatible guys minus the spark.....

 

You're right though. Chemistry alone isn't "real" love. It's just infatuation and intense passion and "longing " for their presence and touch. That aint love.

 

But the greatest relationships I've seen did have the infatuation and amazing chemistry and "soul mate " connection in addition to great compatability.

[bathtub-row]

You're right. The disagreements in soul mate relationships hurt more than usual relationships. You have so much to loose because, well...you love them more than non soul mate relationships. The love is less intense so you care less.

 

I'm not sure it's about caring less about the non-soul mate person. I think it's just that soul mate relationships seem to have higher expectations attached to them, if that makes sense. If the two people aren't mature about it, the relationships can be a real pain, to put it mildly.

[Zippy2000]

Leigh, with respect would you please stop with all this soulmate bull crap....

 

LOL! I agree Katiegirl. Haha. May I also add Leigh will you also for once stop talking about yourself! This is someone elses thread.

[Leigh 87]

LOL! I agree Katiegirl. Haha. May I also add Leigh will you also for once stop talking about yourself! This is someone elses thread.

 

I just want to caution the OP about staying with a non intense connection. .....

 

I've tried what the OP has tried; I have bypassed the amazing chemistry and "we are meant to be" feelings and had wonderful boyfriends who adored me and were safe and dependable.

 

And I left them all. I couldn't help but feel that something was just "missing " whenever Iwould encounter a deep, intense connection.

 

I was personally a lot happier single than without the soul mate connection.

 

My goal was to make the OP think long and hard before she gives up the euphoria and Chemistry that comes with a soul connection.

 

There are so many people who come on these boards, unhappy and wondering whether or not to leave their "non love of their life " relationship, once they meet a soul mate.

 

The Op seems to know and understand that most people don't end up with a soul mate and she seems thrilled with her non intense relationship.

 

I was just ensuring the OP wasn't like me. I wish I knew what I knew now and didn't break those poor non soul mate guys hearts. I wish I knew that I was happier alone than with a non soul mate.

[blueberrymuffin]

I completely agree with this .... and boy a huge lesson learned for me for next time too.

 

Always thought I was very evolved and mature, but apparently not...as I insisted on staying blind to so many things.

 

Anyhoo, this thread is not about me ....just thought I'd add my two cents FWIW.

 

Huge lesson learnt for me to. I think you hit the nail on the head bath-tub row. It's all about changed expectations. At least I figured it out before it was too late.