Author D.r.e Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 I feel like I took a giant step back today. ****ing new years. I am on 18 days no contact, and haven't seen any social media of hers in several days. I miss her so much and I keep thinking about the great year we had and all the trips and fun. It was such a good relationship, I had no idea she was unhappy. She hasn't even bothered to see how I am doing... Why doesn't she care about me? why did the switch just flip? Why do I care about someone that doesn't care about me? Will I ever get past this feeling of missing her?
Author D.r.e Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 Today I did me. Woke up feeling exhausted and really sad. Wallowed for a while and then took myself for coffee. I am starting to notice there are a lot of attractive women that I never noticed while I was with my ex. I was reading a book on breakups then decided to take myself out to a place I haven't been in a while. I forgot that there was a waitress there that I used to have a huge crush on years ago, I couldn't believe she still worked there. I was always so awkward and shy I never talked to her. I decided today was the day and even though I wasn't being served by her I approached and she was super enthusiastic and very nice. I'm not ready to date, so I left it at friendly conversation. I can't believe I actually grew this much from that many years ago. I'm honestly still sad, but I gave myself a good day. It was a choice I made and I did it. That means I can do it again tomorrow. 2
Author D.r.e Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 I am super close to breaking NC today. My brain is telling me that we have such a small circle I am going to bump into her eventually, and I should just bite the bullet and play the high road. WTF is wrong with me?
NoLeafClover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I am super close to breaking NC today. My brain is telling me that we have such a small circle I am going to bump into her eventually, and I should just bite the bullet and play the high road. WTF is wrong with me? Don't do it man. It's not going to fic anything but make you feel worse. You will give her the power back by contacting.her and you're going to hate yourself.
Author D.r.e Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Don't do it man. It's not going to fic anything but make you feel worse. You will give her the power back by contacting.her and you're going to hate yourself. I ****ed up... in fairness it wasn't 100% my fault. I had no idea she would be at the gym I went to, she doesn't normally go there. Seeing her was too much for me, I made her laugh and I broke after that and sent a message on facebook. I was honest in how I felt, and actually got some answers. She told me the relationship was perfect and she had some internal thing she had to deal with. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow. WTF? why do I do this? What do I do now?
Lobouspo Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Let us know how it goes man. Don't be content with breadcrumbs
Author D.r.e Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Let us know how it goes man. Don't be content with breadcrumbs It honestly went well. Felt like a first date. It's my experience one of two things happen now. Either she cuts me off completely knowing that we both have feelings and doesn't want anyone to hurt or things escalate from here. Either way, at least now I know I will be okay. In the meantime, it's back to what I've been doing and that's working on myself. 2016 is off to a great start and I've got massive amounts of growth coming. I'm sticking with being selfish this year.
ExpendableYouth Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Hey man, don't go on social media. Please man, don't do what I did and "check" her FB. It sent me back 4 months back to day one when I saw "In a relationship". Hell, we live together and she blocked me on FB (We weren't friends on there, which is mind boggling how she blocked me). Biggest mistake I ever made, it sent me all the way back to August, and it was DECEMBER if you catch my drift.... 1
Author D.r.e Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Hey man, don't go on social media. Please man, don't do what I did and "check" her FB. It sent me back 4 months back to day one when I saw "In a relationship". Hell, we live together and she blocked me on FB (We weren't friends on there, which is mind boggling how she blocked me). Biggest mistake I ever made, it sent me all the way back to August, and it was DECEMBER if you catch my drift.... I was doing well with that, then saw her in public and sent a message. We met up, we talked for a few hours. Most likely I will get hurt again and it will be worse this go around.
Space Ritual Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Don't feel too bad about it. You are not the first person to have a relapse, and you wont be the last. Just remember how you feel right now. The initial high of talking to her again was replaced by a sense of "buyers remorse". You will feel it time and again until you get sick of feeling like that. So once you have had enough of feeling like that you'll be able to stick to no contact. 1
Captivating Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Thanks, it's hard as ****, but I would rather post here focus on myself and heal then torture myself with false hope... She is on my mind all the time. I wanted to marry this girl. I had absolutely no complaints about her until she left me. Now she is out drinking, partying and probably banging someone else... But that is none of my business. I just keep reminding myself she died, the relationship died and it's not coming back. I just need to focus on morning the loss. I Aww, D.r.e, You know that this is the withdrawal that you are experiencing, similar to a drug withdrawal. (it's in the same spot of the brain) I am so glad that you are strong and have pride. That is the best way to heal regardless of the outcome. In a couple of months you gain clarity, you will be emotionally less attached and maybe even think that this happened for the better. She is VERY young and possibly immature. Just remember when you were 23, probably dated many girls before. Even if she is dating now....TRUST ME ON THIS ! You put the bar way up there with your maturity and being "experienced" and all... I doubt that a 25 year old younger man could win the battle with a 34 year old stud Right ?? At first all relationships seem heavenly then reality sets in, comparison sets in, "WHAT WAS I THINKING" sets in..... So rest assured, you are and you will be in her mind, especially if you guys had an awesome, active, adventurous relationship. Places you've visited, ate at, music you've listened to, food, habits will all remind her. At age 23 we tend to be impulsive and make silly decisions left and right. Keep being on NC and you better believe that you are a catch! Occupy yourself with whatever interest you or make you happy. New experiences, learn to cook - you can impress women with that !!!, watch fascinating documentaries on health/nutrition on Netflix - learn!! ("Hungry for change", "Forks over knives" etc) go to the gym - women like to look too Find great affirmations and place them around the house, keep reading them everyday - that mental shift will happen in a month. It will take time, be patient, we know where you are at now, we have all been there, you are not alone!!! Keep your chin up, NO CONTACT !!! OK ? Have fun and keep us posted about your days !!!
Author D.r.e Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Aww, D.r.e, You know that this is the withdrawal that you are experiencing, similar to a drug withdrawal. (it's in the same spot of the brain) I am so glad that you are strong and have pride. That is the best way to heal regardless of the outcome. In a couple of months you gain clarity, you will be emotionally less attached and maybe even think that this happened for the better. She is VERY young and possibly immature. Just remember when you were 23, probably dated many girls before. Even if she is dating now....TRUST ME ON THIS ! You put the bar way up there with your maturity and being "experienced" and all... I doubt that a 25 year old younger man could win the battle with a 34 year old stud Right ?? At first all relationships seem heavenly then reality sets in, comparison sets in, "WHAT WAS I THINKING" sets in..... So rest assured, you are and you will be in her mind, especially if you guys had an awesome, active, adventurous relationship. Places you've visited, ate at, music you've listened to, food, habits will all remind her. At age 23 we tend to be impulsive and make silly decisions left and right. Keep being on NC and you better believe that you are a catch! Occupy yourself with whatever interest you or make you happy. New experiences, learn to cook - you can impress women with that !!!, watch fascinating documentaries on health/nutrition on Netflix - learn!! ("Hungry for change", "Forks over knives" etc) go to the gym - women like to look too Find great affirmations and place them around the house, keep reading them everyday - that mental shift will happen in a month. It will take time, be patient, we know where you are at now, we have all been there, you are not alone!!! Keep your chin up, NO CONTACT !!! OK ? Have fun and keep us posted about your days !!! Thanks so much! This is super helpful and very true. Even when I tell my story to friends, or just people in general the consensus is that I am a huge catch. I've been working hard on myself for the last 13 years, read thousands of books, got to know who I am, found a great career and built great skills and relationships. The best part is, I am just getting started. I'm also coming to terms with where she is, and can't stay angry. It must have been hard to end something when you have something so good. She needs to know she can stand on her own. She needs to make mistakes, life is messy, hard and it inevitably continues. I also realize a big reason the relationship was good was because I made it that way. Which also means I can recreate it better with someone else. 1
deepinthewoods Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Yea, my buddy had a young girlfriend (she was early 20s, he was late 30s). There was too much of a maturity gap there, young girls seem to like older guys, but they also have a lot of sexual power and don't have a lot of experience, so the draw to be single and see what else is waiting out there for them is pretty strong I think. She left him and he couldn't figure out why, but I don't know, I didn't figure things out until well into my 30s. Early 20s, there is a lot of living left to do, so it's no surprise when the call of the wild gets too strong for them. Don't take it personally. You seem like a pretty decent guy, there are lots of women out there who would be into you and treat you right. She is not ready for you, so just get back to doing your own thing. If she wants back in, let her do the begging, since she's the one who left. Otherwise, know that you deserve to be treated right and to have someone that is committed and into you.
Been Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 The relationship was perfect but she left?Think about it and let that sink in. She more than likely doesn't have any idea what she wants and I would bet if something goes wrong she'll come running back to you because she knows she can. And that's not love. Keep no contact because I'm telling you the second time is going to be worse. Think about this:say you did get back together-do you want to be with someone who can just up and leave a relationship for no reason?Youll always be worried about if she'll leave again. 1
Author D.r.e Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Yea, my buddy had a young girlfriend (she was early 20s, he was late 30s). There was too much of a maturity gap there, young girls seem to like older guys, but they also have a lot of sexual power and don't have a lot of experience, so the draw to be single and see what else is waiting out there for them is pretty strong I think. She left him and he couldn't figure out why, but I don't know, I didn't figure things out until well into my 30s. Early 20s, there is a lot of living left to do, so it's no surprise when the call of the wild gets too strong for them. Don't take it personally. You seem like a pretty decent guy, there are lots of women out there who would be into you and treat you right. She is not ready for you, so just get back to doing your own thing. If she wants back in, let her do the begging, since she's the one who left. Otherwise, know that you deserve to be treated right and to have someone that is committed and into you. I agree... She needs to learn to stand on her own. I feel that she was never really alone and by herself, just got into a long relationship that ended because of me. Given how the relationship was, I think she will regret it. As of this point, we started talking again but I will treat it like any other girl. I will put zero effort into staying in contact, but I will always be at my best when she contacts me. The month and a bit of NC (aside from one email to send money) did wonders for me, I was able to resolve the anger I had for her, and really started to understand what happened. I won't lie like some people and say I am over her, the only way I can get past her is by growing past it. The easiest way to get someone down off the pedestal is to make your own pedestal much taller. I will also date other girls. Still no relationships, but I am feeling ready to meet some new people and have fun.
Author D.r.e Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 The relationship was perfect but she left?Think about it and let that sink in. She more than likely doesn't have any idea what she wants and I would bet if something goes wrong she'll come running back to you because she knows she can. And that's not love. Keep no contact because I'm telling you the second time is going to be worse. Think about this:say you did get back together-do you want to be with someone who can just up and leave a relationship for no reason?Youll always be worried about if she'll leave again. I agree with you. She has no idea what she wants. I definitely think she made a mistake, but that's something she will have to live with. I knew she was young when I started with her, I knew she just ended a relationship (because of me). So this is my own doing, I don't regret it. Almost 24 months of a great relationship is hard to regret. But does she really know she can come back? In all honesty, if she phone me right now saying she missed me, I wouldn't make her my GF. I couldn't trust her. I would go on a date, but no relationship. We would have to start over and build something new.
Been Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 And that's my point-she can call you and you would take the time to talk with her even though she broke your heart. And while you might not jump right in and make her your girlfriend you would go on dates with her with the intention of it her becoming your girl again. And believe she knows. This doesn't make you stupid or bad-I'm just telling you from experience that if they know that door is even a little cracked open that's enough of a security blanket for them. 1
Author D.r.e Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 And that's my point-she can call you and you would take the time to talk with her even though she broke your heart. And while you might not jump right in and make her your girlfriend you would go on dates with her with the intention of it her becoming your girl again. And believe she knows. This doesn't make you stupid or bad-I'm just telling you from experience that if they know that door is even a little cracked open that's enough of a security blanket for them. Any advice what to do?
Lobouspo Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Any advice what to do? Dre, would you agree that that given past selfish behavior she's keeping you in orbit, while sorting and processing her feelings? In other words she can explore and see other men, but in the meantime has you on an emotional hook, in case she doesn't like what is out there? So she gives you breadcrumbs, by keeping in contact and has something to fall back on. Here's the thing, if she does meet someone else and eventually cuts you off for good, will this open up wounds, and make you more upset and hurt, because in a sense she was just using you by stringing you along? 1
Been Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I know you miss her and that's normal. But the fact is she threw away a perfect relationship for no reason. No it's my job. My health. I wanna play the field. NOT ONE REASON was given. And yet your still talking to someone that dumped you because they felt like it. Ask yourself if you dumped someone and then you called/texted them and they responded what would you think would be their reason to respond to you having just been dumped by you?
ExpendableYouth Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Hey man I will tell you from experience....the second "go" at it will hurt twice as bad. Trust me when I tell you this, going back for seconds will hurt you worse. 1
Author D.r.e Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 Dre, would you agree that that given past selfish behavior she's keeping you in orbit, while sorting and processing her feelings? In other words she can explore and see other men, but in the meantime has you on an emotional hook, in case she doesn't like what is out there? So she gives you breadcrumbs, by keeping in contact and has something to fall back on. Here's the thing, if she does meet someone else and eventually cuts you off for good, will this open up wounds, and make you more upset and hurt, because in a sense she was just using you by stringing you along? **** me... how did I get into this? yes, I would be upset and hurt. I feel like an moody mess if I now say "I know I said I was fine, but I am not". Maybe I can just disappear.
Author D.r.e Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 I know you miss her and that's normal. But the fact is she threw away a perfect relationship for no reason. No it's my job. My health. I wanna play the field. NOT ONE REASON was given. And yet your still talking to someone that dumped you because they felt like it. Ask yourself if you dumped someone and then you called/texted them and they responded what would you think would be their reason to respond to you having just been dumped by you? Damn...and now she sending little tiny inconsequential messages. Nothing of value.
Space Ritual Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Damn...and now she sending little tiny inconsequential messages. Nothing of value. Just continue to attempt the no contact thing. Again each time there is contact between the two of you it will set your healing clock back to Zero. We all understand what you are feeling as I would surmise that all of us who have posted on this thread has had this happen to us before. I cannot stress enough that you continue to take a stab at No Contact. For No contact equals no new hurts. Your goal here is to reach the point of complete indifference with her. You may not think it now but you will look back in a year or two and wonder why you put yourself through such turmoil. We all have at one point or another. Just remember the the sooner you establish firm no contact is the sooner you can move forward.
Been Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I mean you could also lay the law down-either we get back together taking things slow or we stop playing games and go our separate ways.
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