This is stupid

[D.r.e]

So, my ex broke it off with me 3 weeks ago. We had a great relationship and the breakup was out of the blue. Her reason is that she didn't want to be in a committed relationship. We were together 2 years. She is 23. I'm 34. Obviously, I know myself better than she knows herself so I get that she is looking to figure her life out and doesn't know what she wants. We talked kids and marriage prior and I had no doubt I wanted to spend my life with her. However, I knew it may not workout given her age and how women can be.

 

Before the breakup I gave her an early Christmas gift, and after the breakup I sent some money to her that I owed and a note saying I didn't understand it but if she wanted space I'd give it to her. She replied saying sorry it didn't work out and she was hoping we could stay mutual (I don't know what that means).

 

I went strict NC from there.

 

Today is Christmas, and I figured she would have reached out with a small message. She didn't...

 

Logically, I didn't want her to because I know it's easier for me to move on. Emotionally, I am dying for that text.

 

I'm angry because I feel like I didn't mean anything. I gave her a gift that wasn't reciprocated. She still has things of mine that I would like back (I am going to just replace them at this point). I have been mature and respectful, and she doesn't give a **** about me.

 

It blows my mind how quickly someone can shift. I feel stupid for caring. I don't have much of a question, but insight is appreciated as well as support. I need it on this most difficult day.

[mg4514]

By not reaching out to you, she is doing you a favor on two counts 1). Breadcrumbs mess with your head, and tend to make you say and do things you'll regret. 2) by not showing you she cares, she's showing you all you need to know about her. Stay NC, and be grateful that she isn't throwing you a meaningless morsel. Stay strong pal. You're doing the right thing.

[Draper]

I had a similar experience when my birthday was a couple of weeks after my ex left. I knee that I shouldn't want that text from her and I was admittedly hurt a bit further that it never came but like the dude above me said, in the long run its certainly better that you don't hear from her.

 

It sucks but you'll get through it bud.

[D.r.e]

It does... And I keep doubting myself. I know this makes it easier, much like dealing with a drug addiction. I want just a tiny hit right now, but I know that's a slippery slope. I even caught myself 'inventing' reasons to contact her. It's all bills hit. It's pretty clear now that reconciliation is out. Any attempt I make to contact her would be utterly pathetic.

 

The good news is, the old me would have been phoning or texting everyday, and begging. I didn't beg once. I didn't plead, I didn't even question it. I'm turning into the kind of man I always wanted to be. I didn't run to alcohol or other girls. Instead I felt what I was feeling worked on myself, and I will be a much better person because of this. I just got to get through this... It's crazy how slippery my mind can be.

[danhalen138]

Hey man I know it sucks but it sounds like you're doing the right thing and have a healthy attitude. I think we should all aspire to respond to these situations like you have.

[D.r.e]

Hey man I know it sucks but it sounds like you're doing the right thing and have a healthy attitude. I think we should all aspire to respond to these situations like you have.

 

Thanks, it's hard as ****, but I would rather post here focus on myself and heal then torture myself with false hope... She is on my mind all the time. I wanted to marry this girl. I had absolutely no complaints about her until she left me. Now she is out drinking, partying and probably banging someone else... But that is none of my business.

 

I just keep reminding myself she died, the relationship died and it's not coming back. I just need to focus on morning the loss.

 

I

[D.r.e]

Thanks, it's hard as ****, but I would rather post here focus on myself and heal then torture myself with false hope... She is on my mind all the time. I wanted to marry this girl. I had absolutely no complaints about her until she left me. Now she is out drinking, partying and probably banging someone else... But that is none of my business.

 

I just keep reminding myself she died, the relationship died and it's not coming back. I just need to focus on morning the loss.

 

I

 

I need some ideas to force me from creeping her instagram. I unfollowed her but I compulsively google her name during times of neediness. Any ideas?

[EgoJoe]

Decide not to do it and keep yourself busy.

[D.r.e]

Decide not to do it and keep yourself busy.

 

It will be easier when I am back at work.

 

Today I kept thinking about her never contacting again... It makes me sad

[Wewon]

 

Today is Christmas, and I figured she would have reached out with a small message. She didn't...

 

Logically, I didn't want her to because I know it's easier for me to move on. Emotionally, I am dying for that text.

 

I'm angry because I feel like I didn't mean anything. I gave her a gift that wasn't reciprocated. She still has things of mine that I would like back (I am going to just replace them at this point). I have been mature and respectful, and she doesn't give a **** about me.

 

It blows my mind how quickly someone can shift. I feel stupid for caring. I don't have much of a question, but insight is appreciated as well as support. I need it on this most difficult day.

 

This is part of breaking up, seeing things in a new (less rose colored) light and realizing that there was some immaturity and selfishness at play that you may have given a pass to before.

 

This is also the prime time that you will do something that you will likely regret, the drunken phone call pleading for her back, the drunken phone call to curse her out, making a scene demanding your stuff back, the nasty letter to get things off your chest, etc.

 

It more important than ever to maintain your NC during this time.

[D.r.e]

This is part of breaking up, seeing things in a new (less rose colored) light and realizing that there was some immaturity and selfishness at play that you may have given a pass to before.

 

This is also the prime time that you will do something that you will likely regret, the drunken phone call pleading for her back, the drunken phone call to curse her out, making a scene demanding your stuff back, the nasty letter to get things off your chest, etc.

 

It more important than ever to maintain your NC during this time.

 

 

Holy **** this is spot on, just now I was thinking of sending a message to ask for some of my things back. Luckily, I ordered replacements for everything. I deleted her number the day after we broke up. But it's obviously not hard to contact her via another way in this day.

 

Must stay NC. It's day 12.

 

The day has been all over the place. One minute I am sad and crying, the next I am angry and then I find myself understanding. Thinking about her seems to be the absolute worst. I feel like now is the time to get some work done and at all cost pay no attention to this mental torture. Posting here is extremely therapeutic and it's going to be interesting to see what these posts look like to me 1 year from now.

Edited December 27, 2015 by D.r.e

[marky00]

Hey mate... sorry to hear about your situation.

 

You have done well post break-up... keep it up.

 

I'm 10 months post and still have some difficulties (mainly because I harbored some hope of a recon).

 

To be honest but... in 10 months I did break NC about 4 times. Even though, it might have wrecked my image a little, it did help confirm in my mind it was definitely over. Breaking NC does hurt and changes nothing but for some people (like me), I found it desensitized me from her. I have put myself through so much extra hurt that I reckon if a marriage photo goes up on FB in a few months I will be ok.... because I have kept myself in the loop even though it did hurt a lot. Not that I check her FB but I think I could do it and be somewhat ok.

 

NC is great for most people but going cold turkey and blocking does have one disadvantage IMHO. If you really loved that person, you will always be "bitter" if you don't GO THERE to some degree. For some people, confronting it head-on (possibly with limited contact) may be necessary.

 

There are people on here who have been NC for like 2 years and yet still talk about their Exes negatively occasionally, so its not the be-all-of-end-all.

 

NC does help you heal faster but I think it can make you more vulnerable to a shock or being reminded of a memory.

 

Breaking NC is seen as being desperate and clingy. I don't totally agree with it but because calling an Ex (who dumped you) on even terms and being strong takes guts... its definitely not a needy act if you do it right.

 

Stay with the NC ... your doing well. Breaking NC now wont be of much use.

 

However as I said.. for some NC isn't 100 percent effective on its own.

[marky00]

Hey mate... sorry to hear about your situation.

 

You have done well post break-up... keep it up.

 

I'm 10 months post and still have some difficulties (mainly because I harbored some hope of a recon).

 

To be honest but... in 10 months I did break NC about 4 times. Even though, it might have wrecked my image a little, it did help confirm in my mind it was definitely over. Breaking NC does hurt and changes nothing but for some people (like me), I found it desensitized me from her. I have put myself through so much extra hurt that I reckon if a marriage photo goes up on FB in a few months I will be ok.... because I have kept myself in the loop even though it did hurt a lot. Not that I check her FB but I think I could do it and be somewhat ok.

 

NC is great for most people but going cold turkey and blocking does have one disadvantage IMHO. If you really loved that person, you will always be "bitter" if you don't GO THERE to some degree. For some people, confronting it head-on (possibly with limited contact) may be necessary.

 

There are people on here who have been NC for like 2 years and yet still talk about their Exes negatively occasionally, so its not the be-all-of-end-all.

 

NC does help you heal faster but I think it can make you more vulnerable to a shock or being reminded of a memory.

 

Breaking NC is seen as being desperate and clingy. I don't totally agree with it but because calling an Ex (who dumped you) on even terms and being strong takes guts... its definitely not a needy act if you do it right.

 

Stay with the NC ... your doing well. Breaking NC now wont be of much use.

 

However as I said.. for some NC isn't 100 percent effective on its own.

[D.r.e]

Hey mate... sorry to hear about your situation.

 

You have done well post break-up... keep it up.

 

I'm 10 months post and still have some difficulties (mainly because I harbored some hope of a recon).

 

To be honest but... in 10 months I did break NC about 4 times. Even though, it might have wrecked my image a little, it did help confirm in my mind it was definitely over. Breaking NC does hurt and changes nothing but for some people (like me), I found it desensitized me from her. I have put myself through so much extra hurt that I reckon if a marriage photo goes up on FB in a few months I will be ok.... because I have kept myself in the loop even though it did hurt a lot. Not that I check her FB but I think I could do it and be somewhat ok.

 

NC is great for most people but going cold turkey and blocking does have one disadvantage IMHO. If you really loved that person, you will always be "bitter" if you don't GO THERE to some degree. For some people, confronting it head-on (possibly with limited contact) may be necessary.

 

There are people on here who have been NC for like 2 years and yet still talk about their Exes negatively occasionally, so its not the be-all-of-end-all.

 

NC does help you heal faster but I think it can make you more vulnerable to a shock or being reminded of a memory.

 

Breaking NC is seen as being desperate and clingy. I don't totally agree with it but because calling an Ex (who dumped you) on even terms and being strong takes guts... its definitely not a needy act if you do it right.

 

Stay with the NC ... your doing well. Breaking NC now wont be of much use.

 

However as I said.. for some NC isn't 100 percent effective on its own.

 

Thanks, all I know is what I have done in the past. Usually, I try too hard to be support with the idea that I want to get back together. I put everything on hold and in my mind they are still my GF. If I meet a girl that I might even like, I keep them at a distance because my ex might find out and keep us from reconciling. I have doubts about NC... like what if she is looking for me to fight for her? Of course, I think that is a bit ridiculous, and it was never what attracted her in the first place.

 

I think what really attracted her was my cool confidence when we met. I was just doing me. I was just having fun, I knew I liked her and let her choose to be with me. Either way I would have been okay.

 

I need to remember that never seeing her again is probably not realistic. We have somewhat similar circles and at some point, it's likely I would bump into her. I am going to do my best to make sure it doesn't happen too soon.

 

I do find myself looking for reasons to contact her:

 

1) She has some of my things -> this is bull**** because I ordered new things.

 

2) I want to give her a piece of my mind ->For what purpose? She was honest with me, and was noticeably hurt when she dumped me. She told me it was the best relationship she ever had, AFTER the breakup when she emailed me back and that she missed me, but she stands by her decision. She even is making it easier on me by not messaging me. Maybe she does miss me but respects me so much that she won't look to me to fix it. No one else is responsible for my happiness. It was truly a great few years. The last day sucked, but other than that, I honestly loved it all. I miss it, but it's dead now. I can't hold a grudge for that, and I don't need to contact her to know that.

 

3) Wish her a happy new year and show her I am okay -> if she cared how I felt she would find out. She could easily creep me, or talk to a mutual friend... this too is bull****.

 

4) I want to get back together -> I am in no shape to date anyone, I would be insecure and super needy. This is not the person I want to be. I need to heal no matter who I date next.

 

 

 

Those are all the reasons I can think of contacting her now, and all the reasons why it's a dumb idea.

[CripplingMe]

One of the things i've learnt about dating someone in their 20's, when one is in their 30's/40's, is that, this is a generation (ok, not all of them, but most), that are trying to figure out their lives and are, at times, pretty fickle. I thought exactly like you when I got dumped by a guy in his 20's (was with him 5 years, im 35). It's like, people in their 20's don't seem to understand what mature love is? I don't know, just my pennies worth!

[D.r.e]

One of the things i've learnt about dating someone in their 20's, when one is in their 30's/40's, is that, this is a generation (ok, not all of them, but most), that are trying to figure out their lives and are, at times, pretty fickle. I thought exactly like you when I got dumped by a guy in his 20's (was with him 5 years, im 35). It's like, people in their 20's don't seem to understand what mature love is? I don't know, just my pennies worth!

 

How did you handle it?

[D.r.e]

This was a sad day for me... I kept thinking of her and how much I miss her. I'm still no contact, still not creeping any social media. It's just really hard today.

[Draper]

I'm here for ya Dre, even if it feels like nobody else is because I know that feeling. I'm sorry this happened to you, it truly sucks. When I'm having a down day - like today, as i found out my ex moved in with a guy she cheated on me with just two months after she left me - I try to do two things. One, i remind myself that this is rock bottom. It can only get better from here.

 

Second, I remind myself that there is so many people going through such worse things right now. That's not to understate the pain we're in, but to put into perspective what we DO have even if we lost those we love. Children struggling for a meal, people being persecuted for the religion they practice - all in all there is so much suffering in the world that we could be subjected to, we're lucky to only be dealing with the suffering of a broken heart. It's powerful, but it could be worse, and it will mend in time.

[D.r.e]

Thanks, it helps...

 

I just cant understand why she would want to be alone than with "the best relationship" shes ever had. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I really trust her that she doesn't want to date anyone at the moment, but will she be back? How do I stop thinking of her when the day is over, and it's time to sleep?

[NoLeafClover]

Thanks, it helps...

 

I just cant understand why she would want to be alone than with "the best relationship" shes ever had. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I really trust her that she doesn't want to date anyone at the moment, but will she be back? How do I stop thinking of her when the day is over, and it's time to sleep?

 

..that's a questions men's been asking for years. You can't make sense of nonsense Dre.

[D.r.e]

..that's a questions men's been asking for years. You can't make sense of nonsense Dre.

 

I guess that answers my own question. I can't understand, so I will never understand and would use my time better by not even trying to understand.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks, it helps...

 

I just cant understand why she would want to be alone than with "the best relationship" shes ever had. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I really trust her that she doesn't want to date anyone at the moment, but will she be back? How do I stop thinking of her when the day is over, and it's time to sleep?

 

 

I read this thread and it kind of struck a chord with me.I am in my early fifties now but my last relationship was when I was in my late 40's and my GF was in her early twenties. When things were good they were great but when things were not good they were terrible. Although I would have liked to have dismissed the age difference, in the end it really was our undoing. She eventually cheated on me because she could. It is what it is.

 

It affected me for about 6 months because every few weeks after the breakup she would contact me all wasted and crying that her life was messed up and how sorry she was. The thing was that had I stayed out of contact totally with her I would not have had my healing clock set back to minute 1 every time she pulled that stunt.

 

So what I want to tell you is that although you may feel like you have to remain in some sort of contact with her due to a similar social circle, that simply is not the case. You don't have to do anything.

 

In fact your best bet would be to block her phone number, email address, and any social media pages. I know you may feel that is impossible. It really isn't.

 

eventually you will want to be able to reach a place where she is insignificant to you in any shape or form. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

 

I cannot stress enough how important it is for you, especially if you are some years older than her to delete her from your life, come hell or high water, especially when it comes to social media.

 

Please remember that unlike any other form of communication, Social media allows people to portray themselves in a fashion that they create for maximum effect. They want people to think that their lives are exciting beyond compare,and they go to great lengths to try to convince other that they are not mundane or average like everybody else. Spending any time creeping Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter accounts of an ex is an exercise in futility. They will assume you are doing it and will be more than happy to put on a grand show if they feel the need, and not only is it not accurate, you will suffer needlessly for it.

 

Man I know how you feel. I really do. But you can start your own healing process by cutting her out of your life. I promise you over time it gets easier and easier. One day you will see something on TV or online that will faintly remind you of her and then you will laugh because you just realized you haven't thought about her in months.

 

You may be stuck in what she is thinking or doing right now, about how you trust she does nt want to date anyone else, but that's a pipedream and you have no control over that and to wrack your brain at night wondering about it will drive you mad for nothing. Don't waste your time

 

With a little work, you can get to a point where she will be nothing but a distant memory.

 

Good Luck

[D.r.e]

I read this thread and it kind of struck a chord with me.I am in my early fifties now but my last relationship was when I was in my late 40's and my GF was in her early twenties. When things were good they were great but when things were not good they were terrible. Although I would have liked to have dismissed the age difference, in the end it really was our undoing. She eventually cheated on me because she could. It is what it is.

 

It affected me for about 6 months because every few weeks after the breakup she would contact me all wasted and crying that her life was messed up and how sorry she was. The thing was that had I stayed out of contact totally with her I would not have had my healing clock set back to minute 1 every time she pulled that stunt.

 

So what I want to tell you is that although you may feel like you have to remain in some sort of contact with her due to a similar social circle, that simply is not the case. You don't have to do anything.

 

In fact your best bet would be to block her phone number, email address, and any social media pages. I know you may feel that is impossible. It really isn't.

 

eventually you will want to be able to reach a place where she is insignificant to you in any shape or form. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

 

I cannot stress enough how important it is for you, especially if you are some years older than her to delete her from your life, come hell or high water, especially when it comes to social media.

 

Please remember that unlike any other form of communication, Social media allows people to portray themselves in a fashion that they create for maximum effect. They want people to think that their lives are exciting beyond compare,and they go to great lengths to try to convince other that they are not mundane or average like everybody else. Spending any time creeping Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter accounts of an ex is an exercise in futility. They will assume you are doing it and will be more than happy to put on a grand show if they feel the need, and not only is it not accurate, you will suffer needlessly for it.

 

Man I know how you feel. I really do. But you can start your own healing process by cutting her out of your life. I promise you over time it gets easier and easier. One day you will see something on TV or online that will faintly remind you of her and then you will laugh because you just realized you haven't thought about her in months.

 

You may be stuck in what she is thinking or doing right now, about how you trust she does nt want to date anyone else, but that's a pipedream and you have no control over that and to wrack your brain at night wondering about it will drive you mad for nothing. Don't waste your time

 

With a little work, you can get to a point where she will be nothing but a distant memory.

 

Good Luck

 

Thanks so much for this. I kept thinking that I had no idea what to do if we were to bump into each other. I know it would set me back, unless she told me exactly what I am dying to hear. Any less than that and the wound is wide open again.

 

I have to realize that I can't take care of anyone if I am in pain. I haven't checked her out on any social media for a few days and it definitely helps. I unfollowed her on everything. I don't have her number anymore, so I am set up to get this handled.

 

She won't call. She won't text. She won't want me back. It didn't work out. And I need to keep focusing on myself.

[marky00]

I think people in their 20s have an unrealistic view on how amazing life should be. They want too much too soon. They need to run around in circles for a years (like when they turn 30), and they realise then that life is just that... life.

[D.r.e]

I think people in their 20s have an unrealistic view on how amazing life should be. They want too much too soon. They need to run around in circles for a years (like when they turn 30), and they realise then that life is just that... life.

 

When I tell people about the breakup the big response is "is she stupid?". Makes me feel better about myself having people see that we had something good. I haven't heard a word from her in over 2 weeks. I got sick this week so my energy is low, still each day hurts less.

 

I have a strong desire to creep her social media, but decided to post this instead.

Edited December 31, 2015 by D.r.e