Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 advice/anecdotes please So lots of people talk about "red-flags" but I just am not entirely sure what constitutes as a red flag, white flag, rainbow flag! or whatever So I went on one date with one guy and on the first date he asked to hold my hand. I actually thought that was a bit intense as it was the first date and he and I did not know each other. We are meeting up for a second date, and he asked " I would really love a cuddle" I'm like " we should get to know each other you know? just slow it all down" He kept texting me calling me hun, babes, baby.. and I just generally find that quite " relationshipy" you know? He's in a wheelchair and spoke how he could not get hard and that's why girls left him but now he's worked out a way he can get hard. I find all this like ' sex stuff' really early on is really off putting only because it kind of crosses a boundary.It's a bit seedy. The other thing, if I don't reply straight away he gets a bit "jokingly pissed" like " ANNNNNd you still haven't replied yet?" and/or " why haven't you replied to my awesome text message lol?" anyway, just need some advice. This is abnormal behavior right?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 He is clingy. Could be a fear of abandonment, if other girls have left him a lot. I suspect this is also why he telling you that he can function sexually; he's probably worried you're going to run the other direction if you think he cannot perform. However, his approach to this is all wrong. I would gently but firmly let him know that you will reply to him when you can, if he persists in pestering you about not responding to him promptly. That would drive me nuts. I would also make your boundaries clear. That physical affection and intimacy need to come naturally and when you're both comfortable. If he keeps it up, be direct and tell him it's making you uncomfortable.
basil67 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 The problem is that the two of you are poles apart. I see nothing wrong with wanting hand holding and a cuddle after two dates. But he should have figured out that if hand holding scares you, he really shouldn't be talking about sex 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 I'm fine with hand-holding and talking about sex. Once a relationship is established. I think that's normal.
hippychick3 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 advice/anecdotes please So lots of people talk about "red-flags" but I just am not entirely sure what constitutes as a red flag, white flag, rainbow flag! or whatever So I went on one date with one guy and on the first date he asked to hold my hand. I actually thought that was a bit intense as it was the first date and he and I did not know each other. We are meeting up for a second date, and he asked " I would really love a cuddle" I'm like " we should get to know each other you know? just slow it all down" He kept texting me calling me hun, babes, baby.. and I just generally find that quite " relationshipy" you know? He's in a wheelchair and spoke how he could not get hard and that's why girls left him but now he's worked out a way he can get hard. I find all this like ' sex stuff' really early on is really off putting only because it kind of crosses a boundary.It's a bit seedy. The other thing, if I don't reply straight away he gets a bit "jokingly pissed" like " ANNNNNd you still haven't replied yet?" and/or " why haven't you replied to my awesome text message lol?" anyway, just need some advice. This is abnormal behavior right? All of those behaviors would be a huge turnoff for me so early on. I would not continue to date this person.
GemmaUK Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 The text thing is clingy for sure. Big turn off for me as I have been there, attempted many times to deal with it and it became a total headache!!
czen Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 I think it shows he is too insecure/not socially aware enough to be in a relationship.
StBreton Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 (edited) I'm fine with hand-holding and talking about sex. Once a relationship is established. I think that's normal. Then that is your boundary. Very appropriate ones. So a red flag for you would be what this guy is doing. However ...he's exhibiting "needy clingy" behavior (by the other behaviors you described) for a healthy relationship oriented person. I've encountered one "love bomber" and that was enough to enlighten me that I do a 180 when someone exhibits this behavior. FYI ...this guy sounds like a love bomber. He desperately wants you to bow to his loving whims ...he's putting all this effort in ...don't you dare diss him ...are you seeing the entitlement in his behavior? If you stick around ...you'll be able to see it and be sorry you stayed...just sayin' Edited December 25, 2015 by StBreton 2
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 he's also admitted to being a virgin. I don't think there's anything wrong with that personally. But I think this " sex talk" is partly because he wants to lose it perhaps. Fear of abandonment? we all have that essentially to some degree and I wouldn't be surprised that the driving factor behind his persistent text messaging is because he thinks " if I continue to text it will up my chances and prove to her how much I like her. Eventually I'll get a response" If he is not really socially aware on how to "relax" in getting to know a girl slowly that has more to do with perhaps anxiety and personal insecurity and less about skill or experience or tact I suppose.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 Then that is your boundary. Very appropriate ones. So a red flag for you would be what this guy is doing. However ...he's exhibiting "needy clingy" behavior (by the other behaviors you described) for a healthy relationship oriented person. I've encountered one "love bomber" and that was enough to enlighten me that I do a 180 when someone exhibits this behavior. FYI ...this guy sounds like a love bomber. He desperately wants you to bow to his loving whims ...he's putting all this effort in ...don't you dare diss him ...are you seeing the entitlement in his behavior? If you stick around ...you'll be able to see it and be sorry you stayed...just sayin' thanks for sayin. Makes sense. Sometimes in the dating world it's a bit like that. Sometimes I wonder if there is something in me that attracts this desperado into my life? or is this just normal experiences when it comes to dating and the dating culture in general?
wb1988 Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 (edited) " why haven't you replied to my awesome text message lol?" Haha I wrote that exact line when I was 16 or 17. I was dumb, desperate and socially-retarded back then — it sounds like he is too. From what you've wrote it does sound like he's clingy. The hold hand part makes it obvious that he hasn't been in a relationship for a while or he's very desperate to be in a relationship (probably with a "anything will do" mentality). It's pretty common for disabled people to bring up sex too early. I have 2 friends that went on dates (1 date and that's it) with guys in a wheelchair and they both mentioned that they brought up sex in the form of a joke within 5 minutes. I know it's not politically correct to say but disabled people seem to never make up for their disability. Like you'd think they'd develop a great personality because of the flaw but no, they are like fat girls (bad on the inside and out). Edited December 26, 2015 by wb1988
TunaCat Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I am also in a wheelchair and finding someone who will date someone in a wheelchair is pretty impossible. I understand how he must feel. Not only has he had women leave him due to sex issues, but it's probably really hard to find someone who will date him in the first place. Clingy behavior is strangely "normal" for those who are in wheelchairs and who are trying to date. My ex boyfriend was also in a wheelchair, and he did start our relationship with being VERY clingy until I shut it down. You need to communicate your thoughts/feelings to him. You need to establish your own boundaries & then express them to him. 1
StBreton Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 thanks for sayin. Makes sense. Sometimes in the dating world it's a bit like that. ******Sometimes I wonder if there is something in me that attracts this desperado into my life? or is this just normal experiences when it comes to dating and the dating culture in general? There is talk that we somehow "draw" these people to us...it's my belief that we turn toward them when an opportunity arises while most people turn away. You choose to engage with a person like this maybe because you didn't see the warning signs quickly enough and continue talking with the person. Or...Maybe your self-esteem needs some work and you don't think enough of yourself so you go for those who you think won't reject you...those who have a low dating market value. Maybe you think you have a low dating market value? Maybe you do have a low dating market value and need to make some changes in yourself physically or personally? What is your situation? If you see a pattern in yourself...a pattern that leads to negative experiences...reflect on what is your contribution and make some changes. This guy would have immediately turned me off. Why did you even start talking with this guy? How did it all start out? Was your initial conversation very normal and turned quickly?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 I know it's not politically correct to say but disabled people seem to never make up for their disability. Like you'd think they'd develop a great personality because of the flaw but no, they are like fat girls (bad on the inside and out). Everything you said previously I agree with. What you said just there that in that last part is pretty prejudice and unnecessary.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 There is talk that we somehow "draw" these people to us...it's my belief that we turn toward them when an opportunity arises while most people turn away. You choose to engage with a person like this maybe because you didn't see the warning signs quickly enough and continue talking with the person. Or...Maybe your self-esteem needs some work and you don't think enough of yourself so you go for those who you think won't reject you...those who have a low dating market value. Maybe you think you have a low dating market value? Maybe you do have a low dating market value and need to make some changes in yourself physically or personally? What is your situation? If you see a pattern in yourself...a pattern that leads to negative experiences...reflect on what is your contribution and make some changes. This guy would have immediately turned me off. Why did you even start talking with this guy? How did it all start out? Was your initial conversation very normal and turned quickly? Met him online. He was fine. Said he was a wheel chair. I thought nothing of it. The sex stuff started five or ten minutes into our date. It was very strange indeed. He said that this was his first date. I don't judge people if they have never been on a date before let a lone ever had sex before. Everyone has their reasons and stories. It's their business and not mine. I just thought why not take a chance? I mean no one is perfect and dating is a perfect opportunity to get to know someone. As for your low dating market value- I have never heard of that term. I think I'm okay. I obviously haven't met the right person.
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