Current boyfriend cheated on ex-girlfriend. I'm having troubles to get over it?

[cristiana]

My current boyfriend of almost two months treats me really well, shows all the signs of being in love with me, super sweet, always there when I need him. We're also very compatible in several areas and everything sounds almost perfect.

 

The problem is that he told me when we first met that he cheated on his ex. Not a single event, but he had two parallel relationships (one after the other, each lasting 1-2 years) while he was with his ex. He was in love with the other girls, but didn't have the guts to break up with his ex because she was depressed. He eventually managed to break up with her and became single.

 

I don't like this at all (esp. because it lasted so many years), and I'm having troubles to get over it. I was checking his FB wall and saw that one of the parallel girlfriends was actually a sort of friend of the 'official' girlfriend... I think that this is too much, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to develop a connection with him knowing this.

 

I think he's trying to make his best to show that i can trust and he's been honest (I think) about difficult questions that I asked, yet I'm also having a hard time to deal with the fact that he hasn't told two girls he was "seeing" before we met that he has a girlfriend... I think he has good intentions, but somehow, I guess that the "seed" of dishonesty is still there.

 

I have feelings for him and I like him as a person. I don't think he's a bad person. But I'm having a hard time to fully trust, and as a result, I can't develop deep feelings. He always complains that he doesn't feel I'm into him as much as he is into me

Help

[preraph]

He'll do it to you too if he hasn't already. Whatever excuses he used for justifying it that time will now be tailored to fit whatever slights he feels he can magnify in your relationship, once the new wears off if not before.

[No Limit]

Big red flag. Run run run.

[hippychick3]

He is not only a cheater but a master manipulator. I would never be able to fully trust him. Sure, it's all good now in the honeymoon phase of your new relationship but what's going to happen when the novelty inevitably wears off or he becomes bored?

[cristiana]

He didn't cheat on any previous relationships. Just the last one...

He is not only a cheater but a master manipulator. I would never be able to fully trust him. Sure, it's all good now in the honeymoon phase of your new relationship but what's going to happen when the novelty inevitably wears off or he becomes bored?

[hippychick3]

He didn't cheat on any previous relationships. Just the last one...

 

Does it matter?? For 2 years he cheated. Isn't that bad enough?

 

If you want to continue, expect insecurity and distrust down the road. Your choice.

[sandylee1]

His excuse of the ex being depressed is weak. ...... Cheating for 2 years is a double life.... and I don't have the desire to give my heart to a man capable of this unfortunately.

 

I'd have to wave goodbye just because I couldn't trust he wouldn't do it to me... He's shown he's capable of doing it. He may have changed... but with all the other guys out there... I'd have to move on.

[Gloria25]

Welcome to LS, I'm Gloria25 and my thoughts, beliefs, etc - often do not reflect the "mainstream" and I bet ya I'm gonna get some flack from my response to your thread...

 

Lemme preface with my experience with my last FWB...

 

He was married for 10 years with that woman. No kids. She was a beauty...tall, attractive, fit. To top he beauty, she was ambitious, educated, and driven. I used to look at their pics on FB and be like "wow".

 

But, there was a "dark" side to all that - some of which I could see in those pics. The no kids and "ambition" came hand and hand with her being a cold witch. There was nothing "wholesome" about her. She was all about "herself" and her "image". Like myself years ago when I was a man-hater, my education, career, etc were my life and priority and men were all dogs.

 

Like her, I had a bad dad...but, difference is that she was molested and her dad was a drunk. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive - on top of being a bum.

 

This resulted in her treating my FWB and men in general like "the enemy". She didn't want/like sex and when my FWB offered to go with her to the doctor - she refused (cuz duh, she didn't want to "fix" whatever she "claimed/alleged" was making her not want sex).

 

She got cancer at some point...So, my FWB almost left her once, but he felt "guilty" cuz how could you leave the person who you made vows to "in sickness and health" of to?

 

So, for years he put up wit her crap and when he reached his breaking point, he'd have an affair.

 

See, thing is men need affection, admiration, and attention. They especially need it from their "woman". That often is in the form of actual/physical "sex"...and women just don't get this. When they stop having sex with a guy, it's like kicking him in the nutz, it's like forgetting a woman's anniversary/birthday/V-day...in other words, sex means a freakin' lot to men. Not cuz they are horndogs, but that's where they get their "validation", love and affection from women.

 

When men don't get any sex, they become depressed, upset and even hostile. My FWB, would drink...he'd snap at people at work, he did MMA and ended up having an affair.

 

He, in his mind, felt that having an affair would get his needs met w/o leaving his wife.

 

Now, have an open mind for one minute...just hear me out. If his wife didn't want sex, what harm would it be in him getting it elsewhere? I mean, people who can't have kids seek alternative methods? I mean, women will even want another man's sperm inserted into them "just" to have a child if their husband's sperm doesn't work (which I and many men find offensive), SO WHY DO WOMEN GET UPSET WHEN THEY DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX AND/OR GIVE OUT AFFECTION AND EXPECT THEIR GUY TO JUST "STAY THERE" AND TAKE IT BECAUSE THE WOMAN IS "ILL" OR SOMETHING?

 

So, my FWB didn't want to leave cuz he felt that she had a mental illness and it was wrong to leave her cuz a few years ago she had cancer. IMO, she was punishing him and every man for what her father did to her and you don't marry/date men to turn them into your "punching bag".

 

So, I don't know your bf, but I gave you all that story cuz it may be real that he felt "guilt" in leaving that chick cuz of her alleged "mental illness". See, now a days, I hate how people assign "mental illness" to someone who simply is a bad/mean person. And, that's what I think about your bf's ex and my FWB's ex-wife. They didn't have no mental illness and yes, they may have suffered some issues (i.e. the cancer, childhood abuse) but, that doesn't give them permission to punish the world.

 

So, your bf probably felt that as long as he got his needs met elsewhere and stood to support his gf otherwise, that it was all good. Doesn't make him a manipulator and cheater, IMO.

 

BTW, when I met my FWB, his online profile clearly said he was married and was looking for an "A"...so, he didn't give me this "sob story" of his wife to get my panties wet. I think he wanted to just "vent" and while I hated him bothering me with his "venting", I opened my ears to allowing him to vent cuz that's what you do when you care about someone - you want them to be able to tell you about their "bad day" if you will.

 

Over all, the only way you're gonna know if you can trust him is in time. Yes, I'm not gonna lie, someone who's cheated - you can't help "but" wonder "if" they will do the same to you and even "if" he isn't a cheater/manipulator you have to worry that if there's problems in YOUR RL, will he come to you and work it out or start looking for an "A" behind your back?

 

You know, that's why I'm not big on this whole "tell the truth" and confessionals/bleed out your heart nonsense people do. You shouldn't tell people something unless you believe it's gonna affect your current RL and future. For example, if you do drugs and just got into rehab - yes, I need to know that cuz I don't want someone who's gonna maybe steal my money or something. Same with the cheating, if it was cuz he got into RL with a toxic chick who used "so called mental illness" to manipulate him into being her punching bag and he felt guilty and thought that if the just messed around on the side, no harm and wanted to be there for her, then I don't wanna know about it cuz like you, OP, then I'm gonna start wondering if he's a "cheater, manipulator, etc."

 

Whatever you decide to do (stick this out or not), have a frank and honest convo with him and quite frankly, he should give you access to EVERYTHING he has (i.e. celphone, social media, etc.) cuz while I'm not in agreeance with snooping on someone, he's opened the door to telling you that he may not be trusted so it's HIS RESPONSIBILITY to do whatever it takes to get your trust. But, at the same time, you can't make him a prisoner for this RL and life together (if you all get this far). You have to either accept this part about him and move on, he has to prove he can be trusted, but not to the extreme where every move he makes, breath he takes you're gonna be on his case either.

 

Good luck!!!

[The Way I Am]

I was optimistic until the 2nd sentence of your 2nd paragraph. I think people can change, but they can't change that much in such a short time.

 

You're right to worry. He's willing to deal with things the cowards way. And you should expect that if he ever becomes dissatisfied in your relationship, instead of letting you know, he'll find someone else behind your back and come up with an excuse for why he's doing it for your benefit rather than being honest with you that he's not happy.

[veggirl]

If this happened within the last couple of years, it'd be a dealbreaker for me. If it was 10 years ago then I could look past it. Sounds like it's the former though. How does he feel about what he did????

[cristiana]

Thank you all for your answers. He feels bad about what he did to his ex. Apparently we had some friends in common, and that person told me that his ex was the total opposite of him, no strength of will, lazy, dependent. He was in love with the other girls and they broke up with him because he was still with his ex, he didn't have the guts to break up with her.

 

I think Gloria25 is also right. In this case, the girl was sweet and non-manipulative and there was some sex life. I think that the girl was not very bright and dull... I think what he did is a serious red flag. Anyway, I feel much less paranoid today

[Redfisher]

Thank you all for your answers. He feels bad about what he did to his ex. Apparently we had some friends in common, and that person told me that his ex was the total opposite of him, no strength of will, lazy, dependent. He was in love with the other girls and they broke up with him because he was still with his ex, he didn't have the guts to break up with her.

 

I think Gloria25 is also right. In this case, the girl was sweet and non-manipulative and there was some sex life. I think that the girl was not very bright and dull... I think what he did is a serious red flag. Anyway, I feel much less paranoid today

 

Still does not make it aright for him to cheat... so when he finds stuff you do he does not like, and he will is it ok that he cheats on you?

[whichwayisup]

Fact that HE told you up front and was honest about it IS something. Has he done anything that has made you mistrust him? If no, don't hold his past against him.

 

If he is going to cheat, he's gonna cheat, nothing you can do will stop him. IF it ever happens, then you break up with him. You can make that clear to him that cheating is something you will not put up with and IF he is ever unhappy and wants someone else he can end it with you and not go behind your back and cheat on you.

 

Try not to focus on his past though, it takes away what you have with him now.

[joystickd]

He'll do it to you too if he hasn't already. Whatever excuses he used for justifying it that time will now be tailored to fit whatever slights he feels he can magnify in your relationship, once the new wears off if not before.

As women say it on here. It's in the past and he shouldn't be judged on the past.

[Wewon]

This should bother you.

 

More than just 'cheating', can you imagine how much work it must have taken for him to pull this off for 1-2 years? This is a person with a serious personality disorder. I won't use the word "sociopath" since I'm not a psychiatrist, but it doesn't sound good.