German pregnant by US Air Force airman...

[Herzglut]

The short version:

I don't know what to do, but I know I should've known better. I got pregnant by an American military personnel that dished out major lies and built a fantasy world in order to appeal to me and get into my knickers. I fell for it, after I went back home he ghosted me (basically ignoring my messages as if I and all the promises he has made never existed). Found out yesterday that I am pregnant by that very same man.

The detailed version for people that like to dig deeper in order to understand and process the information for better judgement:

We got matched on a dating site, he initiated contact. We were casually exchanging messages, then more normal pictures with friends and family. During the first month of our correspondence, we knew almost everything about each other but never really touched any sexual subjects. He admitted that he saw me as wife material due to my more traditional approach and the way I operate when it comes to intimacy - no sex without commitment etc. I am also very motherly and caring according to him - for me it's normal, nothing to point out.

Anyway, I told him that we're good friends and he got upset. I never saw it working out because he lives like at the other end of Germany, I'd have to drive 5+ hours to visit him on Air Force base. He on the other end can't really leave because he might be called in whenever his unit wants him to. That's when we started talking on the phone and bonding much more. We would talk 4+ hours during some nights, occasionally sleep on the phone together.

I decided to visit him and by that time he was already making plans about being with me, wanting me to meet his family and a day before I visited him he got emotional when I said I cared about him, so he asked me to be his GF without even meeting me in person once. I playfully declined.

 

He signed me as a visitor, I went to base and as soon as I was in his room, he was all over me, touching me everywhere even though I told him to stop. The way I said it (I am short and petite and have a very high voice, am passive and rather feminine in the way I move and talk) probably didn't come across strong enough because I ended up getting thrown onto the bed with his hands all over until pants were off and he was on top between my legs whispering "Shhhh there's nothing wrong about this baby, relax...". And then he was in and I accepted this as part of 'kinda dating him seriously now' because that's the kind of advertising I got throughout our whole correspondence. Though not once did he use a condom even though I told him to but he said he'll buy me the morning after pill. Which he did. Regarding STDs, he gets tested regularly in the Air Force and I am STD-free, too.

 

During the weekend, we had a lot of unprotected sex, went to the movies twice, met a bunch of his colleagues and even his superiors. He called me baby in front of his friends and their girlfriends all the time, would jokingly ask me 'which nig*a you're texting?!' whenever I was on my phone when we were chilling, he'd always want me to caress his forearm or forehead and you know...I naturally started to assume (he knows how I tick and what I expect) that we're in a relationship.

 

Then I had to leave on Sunday evening. He told me to take the pill right in front of him - like he's scared I'd not take it on purpose what the heck? Anyway, the same night I got a message where he asked whether I threw up the pill because it was a possible side-effect. If yes, he'd asked me to buy another one but I was good. On Monday, he messaged me that he wants to die because 'so busy as f*ck at work' bla bla. And I've never heard from him again.

 

I missed my period and got a positive on my pregnancy kit and the same day I sent him another message asking him to be honest with me and whether he has lost interest. Ignores me still. Unfollowed me on Instagram, too but didn't kick me from his private Instagram profile so I can still see that he likes other (very sexy and attractive) girls' pictures and leaves comments. He's on his phone regularly, I've seen him checking it out all the time when being with him so yeah, deliberately ignores me.

 

After the last text, I am unsure whether I should tell him that I am pregnant. I am old enough (27) and want to keep the child. It would be my first. Of course, I would prefer more traditional settings where I am happily married but I believe everything happens for a reason. Even if I am disappointed at the kind of man he turned out to be, I'd love my child unconditionally.

 

Another problem is, when we used to talk about possible pregnancies and how he would react and act in such a situation, he said, just hypothetically, if we both end up dating and he got me pregnant by accident, he would be with the child and take us both with him but I want to stay in Germany with my family and friends. That's when he said if that happens, he could not see his child growing up in Germany (he hates how 'uptight' and 'anal' my country is) and that he would use his rich parents' money to hire the best attorneys and take the child with him to the states - with or without me.

 

I am just really scared. That's what he thinks about a woman he cares. Now imagine what he would think now, about a woman he doesn't even care enough to summon sufficient decency for a clear and definite answer but instead opts for the ghosting/fade-out.

 

I just don't know what to do. He will leave for Korea in a year, too..

[No Limit]

(Psst. Bin 'ne Deutsche!/Fellow German here! )

 

Don't worry about him just taking off with the child; no attorney will ever be able to take it away from you considering German law. Not that it matters to be honest, he probably was as sincere about that as he was about your 'relationship' - not in the slightest!

 

From what I know from a former co-worker from my last internship (who married an American soldier who decided to stay here) you can however still demand child support, you'll have to either talk to him or if he refuses you can go to his superiors.

 

"Uptight"? Pfft.

 

edit; Be sure to have the baby checked regularly though. The morning after pill can cause damage to a fetus.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

 

Then I had to leave on Sunday evening. He told me to take the pill right in front of him - like he's scared I'd not take it on purpose what the heck? Anyway, the same night I got a message where he asked whether I threw up the pill because it was a possible side-effect. If yes, he'd asked me to buy another one but I was good.

 

 

 

 

Another problem is, when we used to talk about possible pregnancies and how he would react and act in such a situation, he said, just hypothetically, if we both end up dating and he got me pregnant by accident, he would be with the child and take us both with him but I want to stay in Germany with my family and friends. That's when he said if that happens, he could not see his child growing up in Germany (he hates how 'uptight' and 'anal' my country is) and that he would use his rich parents' money to hire the best attorneys and take the child with him to the states - with or without me.

 

..

 

I really don't know why you had more unprotected sex after the first time when it appears you were raped by this man. Secondly, he never wanted a relationship and wanted to make sure you didn't get pregnant so that's why he wanted you to take the pill in front of him. He just used you for his weekend pleasure and discarded you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's good that you want the baby either way as it appears you will raise it on your own. You can get child support though can't you?

[loveflower]

 

edit; Be sure to have the baby checked regularly though. The morning after pill can cause damage to a fetus.

 

for this reason, I think maybe OP should consider an abortion...

 

the man you can totally forget about him.

Edited December 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[preraph]

I'm sure it would be reams of red tape getting child support. First, you'd have to get blood tests -- without being in the US, how do you court-order that? She wants the child, but if she can't afford it on her own, she's got an uphill battle. Plus he could try for custody down the road and cost her a lot of money in attorneys' fees.

 

He was a jerk, and she should have been on birth control pills or something if she's going to have sex. She said no, which makes him a rapist, but then she kept going along with him after that, so....bears some responsibility.

 

You might contact the U.S. Air Force base there and report him and see if they have some way to handle it. They may have procedures in place since this sort of irresponsibility started way back in past world wars with our troops overseas going into town and carrying on. Sorry it went down like this. Now you know not to even get it started. I mean, you know if he's military, he's there and gone, guaranteed.

[preraph]

I also want to offer a suggestion for any women out there who feel their voices are not strong enough or their actions or whatever to stop a man from going ahead after they've said no. But a police whistle and keep it on a chain around your neck or in the side pocket of your purse. If someone doesn't stop, blow that whistle and keep blowing it until they leave, or run out while they're offguard.

[AspenBaldwin]

Hmmm... This doesn't sound like rape to me. You entered the base

by your own free will, no one forced you to sign the sheet. Why not go to a restaurant instead? To a cafe? To the cinema? Get to know him better first. What did you think was going to happen? That he was going to invite you some tea and scons while you discuss the latest Kathy Perry video? Now the morning after pill is not for you to take as if it was candy just because you wanted to have unprotected sex. Who knows how that baby will turn out now.

[Herzglut]

Hmmm... This doesn't sound like rape to me. You entered the base

by your own free will, no one forced you to sign the sheet. Why not go to a restaurant instead? To a cafe? To the cinema? Get to know him better first. What did you think was going to happen? That he was going to invite you some tea and scons while you discuss the latest Kathy Perry video? Now the morning after pill is not for you to take as if it was candy just because you wanted to have unprotected sex. Who knows how that baby will turn out now.

 

I feel like you didn't even read my post and just replied to write off a daily dose of sarcasm and pointing fingers for the sake of it.

1. I never mentioned that I think he raped me. I didn't even think he raped me because, at the end of the day, I gave in and accepted my situation and saw it as some form of 'bonding' or relationship. That Sex is normal and that I shouldn't be so prudish about it. The only thing that seems to set off people here and weirdly, in some other forum, too, is that he pushed me until I coped with said aggressivity with acceptance on my part. Up until to the point where he stripped off my pants and positioned himself between my legs, whispering into my ear, I actually said no repeatedly because I wasn't ready and really really shy about it. I thought he was just helping me to get out of my comfort zone because eventually, yes, I would sleep with him anyway. But I know I wasn't ready the first time.

I've been shocked when people told me I got raped because in my mind, after the first time, I actually wanted to be intimate with him. In my head, I was his girlfriend now. It has nothing to do with naivety. Prior to our encounter, we discussed a lot of things. He knows that I only have sex with boyfriends and he seemed to respect it. He asked me before to be his girlfriend. So in my little mind that night, I calculated that he's now my boyfriend because that's the advertising I got. And before you say anything, yes, I know it was a foolish and desperate thought process. I liked a guy and he turned out to be a can of worms, shoot me, right.

 

2. It was not ME who wanted to have unprotected sex and 'eat pills like candy'. Oh my god, I have a hard time trying to comprehend your accusatory and very judgmental tone. If you'd actually READ my post you'd easily have the information that would prevent such a harsh, riddled-with-sarcasm and tactless tone against someone who's already trying to cope with this horrible and most likely life-changing situation.

I was the one asking him constantly to use a condom or else I'd close my legs.

You know what he did? Worked his charm on me. Convinced me by turning my words against me like "Why are German girls so uptight and cranky?! It's so normal in the states! American girls eat the morning after pills like skittles or they're on Birth Control. Don't be like that baby~"

I liked him. I didn't want to be a cranky and uptight German girl.I wanted him to want me. Besides, he bought the pill and was still baffled that I had to sit in a corner in that pharmacy and answer a bunch of personal questions, show my health insurance card and then, ONLY THEN, I was allowed to buy the pill. He said you can get them over the counter everywhere in the states. I translated the info pamphlet that they gave me with the pill and he was shocked, called Germany a slut-shaming country that points fingers at people bla bla. After a few days with him, I tried to see things from his perspective because he gave me the feel that sex-wise, it was a cultural misunderstanding between us and the reason why he's more 'liberal/frivolous' was maybe because he was used to 'American standards'? I don't know. He's the first American I've been with, I couldn't compare.

Oh, also, he told me to take the pill much later, on the last day where it works, so we could have some more unprotected sex with excuses like "Baby, it doesn't feel good. I can't get hard with a condom wrapped around my ****"

Again, I wanted him to want me and feel good. I had the pill and was convinced there would be no consequences for me (both STD-free, too) and that I'll be on birth control soon anyway because in my mind like I said earlier, I had a boyfriend now.

[No Limit]

I'm sure it would be reams of red tape getting child support. First, you'd have to get blood tests -- without being in the US, how do you court-order that?

 

Germany has the "Jugendamt" (direct translation would be "youth bureau") who handles these things, along with attorneys of both parents of course. That's not too much of a problem, although it will take up a lot of time.

 

 

And Herzglut, your last post explains why he thought Germany to be uptight territory - he was just scared to death he might have impregnated someone and now they won't give out the pill (and these hormone-bombs are indeed not thrown around like tictacs here).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

he pushed me until I coped with said aggressivity with acceptance on my part. Up until to the point where he stripped off my pants and positioned himself between my legs, whispering into my ear, I actually said no repeatedly because I wasn't ready and really really shy about it...

 

I've been shocked when people told me I got raped because in my mind, after the first time, I actually wanted to be intimate with him.

 

 

 

Every bit of this reads like rape/forced-sex.

 

And it is a function of sexual intimacy that you would want to be nearer to that partner.

 

 

First thing to do, is fast-forward 6 or 8 years and ask yourself whether you want to be the single parent of a 5-to-7-year-old child.

 

Then ask whether you anticipate being able to afford being the single parent of, and sole provider for a child.

 

 

If those answers are "yes", then have the baby and never tell the guy a thing.

 

 

If those answers are "no", then to terminate the pregnancy is something you should consider.

 

Perhaps an anonymous note to American Military leadership in the area about your having been raped there, just might be a suitable move as well.

[William]

As a reminder, let's work the current topic and in a respectful manner. None of us has a time machine so berating the past is, well, berating and subject to sanction. I left one interaction because the response from the thread starter added topical content but let's not go there again. Thanks!

[loveflower]

Every bit of this reads like rape/forced-sex.

 

And it is a function of sexual intimacy that you would want to be nearer to that partner.

 

 

First thing to do, is fast-forward 6 or 8 years and ask yourself whether you want to be the single parent of a 5-to-7-year-old child.

 

Then ask whether you anticipate being able to afford being the single parent of, and sole provider for a child.

 

 

If those answers are "yes", then have the baby and never tell the guy a thing.

 

 

If those answers are "no", then to terminate the pregnancy is something you should consider.

 

Perhaps an anonymous note to American Military leadership in the area about your having been raped there, just might be a suitable move as well.

 

I think the most important thing is the health of a child.

 

I personally think that I don't want to parent a child whose father deceit and rape me. I think a bastard like that doesn't deserve to have any offspring.

[Miss Peach]

From what you posted, I think he lured you into the situation just to have sex with you. This guy wasn't expecting you to get pregnant. That is why he had you take the pill. (BTW, many pharmacies in the US can dispense them but they aren't taken like candy. US is a bit different because typically medications have to be prescribed through a doctor only. In Europe pharmacies can dispense much more than the US.)

 

As for the child, it's up to you to consider what you want to do. In my opinion you have four options - abort the baby, put the baby up for adoption, keep the baby and tell the guy, or keep the baby and don't tell the guy.

 

Not sure how it works in Germany, but in the US you could get money to support the child. Once paternity is established, the guy could get visitation to the child. He may or may not take it. I recommend checking out some single parent sites before deciding this. It can be very difficult to parent with a dad who doesn't want to be a dad. It may be harder than doing all the parenting on your own. I doubt he would be able to take the child to the US but he could run you through the military or legal system and make things difficult for you. With some single moms that I know, the dad is in and out of the kid's life so much the kids are better off without that contact.

 

Also. if the dad doesn't know, in the US the parent would have sole decision making power. Even though parts may be harder, it may be easier in the long run. This guy doesn't sound that great. If he isn't going to be a real dad it might be easier on the kid. It will also give you freedom to relocate, travel, etc. This can be difficult in a situation with shared custody; especially since he won't be in Germany for awhile. Most lawyers wouldn't want to touch an international custody dispute.

 

I'm a single mom and know many women who wish the ex would just stay out of their lives. They are a horrible influence on the kids. I know others who have good situations with their exes and are able to at least be civil with the ex. From what you posted, I really doubt this guy will be much of a father to a child. It doesn't mean the child won't be able to have another father figure. Just trying to get the point across that both paths will be difficult in their own way.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Miss Peach

[VeveCakes]

I have to agree that this will be a terrible situation for any child to be brought into the world in.