Is this is?

[SuitandTie]

I am in a three year long relationship (I am 24, she is 26). Things started off great between us, very passionately, both realized we were ambitious, both intelligent and focused on making the most out of our lives. We also complemented each other, I am a reserved, more organized and rigid homebody of guy, she was more of a bubbly, "let's go out and have fun!" kind of girl. I calmed her down a bit, and she made me come out of my shell more.

 

However, the last half year, we have gotten in a rut. I do not know how it exactly happened, but the passion just seems gone. Maybe it's because we are burdened by every day life and the stress of making it work professionally, maybe it is our daily routines: I come home, we have dinner, exchange how our days were and we then do our own things. If we do things together, they are not things I really want (shopping, watching stupid shows). I don't look forward to seeing her anymore. She is still my best friend, but I don't long to be with her anymore. We don't seem to complement each other the same way anymore. I think I am still the same, but she is more of a homebody now than I am. Maybe I have changed somewhat, whenever I talk to new friends, I think they view me as this charismatic jokester. I still have that reserved, deep thinking side that only comes out with my girlfriend, but whenever I get that jokester personality out, she just says "UGH, you're being so annoying!".

 

It made me think: do I still want this? I love her deeply, I can definitely see a future with her, but the happy, bubbly girl does not seem there most of the time. It's all either talking about finances, finding jobs, etc. or stuff that I do not particularly like doing.

However, I know that she will be an amazing mother, she has all the qualities I look for in a woman, beautiful, intelligent, loyal, caring, ambitious, funny, you name it. But that amazing connection just does not seem there anymore.

 

Have we grown apart? Is there anything I can do to make it work? Or is this just something that happens in every relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you tried planning some dates that are enjoyable for both of you? You are definitely in a rut which can be a big passion-killer, but that can be turned around if you are both motivated to do so. You could take the initiative and organize an outing that would be fun and inject a bit of energy.

 

Also, have you spoken to her about how you're feeling? Not that you're losing interest, but that things need to be spruced up a bit. You never know, maybe she's been feeling the same way.

 

If she isn't willing to talk about it or meet you half-way, then I'd say the relationship is slowly going to wither away. It happened to me when I was around your age too. I still wanted to get out and do things, go on dates, and so on. Unfortunately, my long-term, live-in boyfriend didn't have the same motivation until it was already too late.

[Heracles]

That's the interesting conundrum we all face.

 

At one end, you have : great mother and at the other end you have fun bubbly an great sexual partner.

 

You can't have the two at the same time.

 

In my opinion, she is now in nesting mode; hence the preoccupations about financial and material security. She transitioned from fun partner to mother.

That is a good as it gets.

[SuitandTie]

Have you tried planning some dates that are enjoyable for both of you? You are definitely in a rut which can be a big passion-killer, but that can be turned around if you are both motivated to do so. You could take the initiative and organize an outing that would be fun and inject a bit of energy.

 

Also, have you spoken to her about how you're feeling? Not that you're losing interest, but that things need to be spruced up a bit. You never know, maybe she's been feeling the same way.

 

If she isn't willing to talk about it or meet you half-way, then I'd say the relationship is slowly going to wither away. It happened to me when I was around your age too. I still wanted to get out and do things, go on dates, and so on. Unfortunately, my long-term, live-in boyfriend didn't have the same motivation until it was already too late.

I have not planned any activities, like I said, I always viewed that as her responsibility in the relationship. But now she has become this homebody, I actually miss it. I guess I should take more initiative in this regard.

 

And yes, I had a long talk about it with her. She is completely happy. Does not see the point in having other friends, loves being at home all the time, etc. But she did feel bad for me and perhaps said I should join some hobby club or something to get out more and meet new people to hang out with. But I think I should clarify to her that I do not want to hang out with others, but that I want to do more fun stuff with her.

 

Did you later find someone who was able to give you that, both the long term commitment, but also the desire to do fun, new things?

[SuitandTie]

That's the interesting conundrum we all face.

 

At one end, you have : great mother and at the other end you have fun bubbly an great sexual partner.

 

You can't have the two at the same time.

 

In my opinion, she is now in nesting mode; hence the preoccupations about financial and material security. She transitioned from fun partner to mother.

That is a good as it gets.

Oh, that's something I was hoping would not be the case...

She's great, but in a way I just can't imagine myself with someone who I am not in love with anymore, even though I do love her. But I guess it is immature to still expect those feelings to be there years down the road. Her loyalty, how much she cares about me, is stuff that will stay and I am not sure I will get from every woman.

 

But if this is as good as it gets, and a natural development, then I do not think I can find a better woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have not planned any activities, like I said, I always viewed that as her responsibility in the relationship. But now she has become this homebody, I actually miss it. I guess I should take more initiative in this regard.

 

And yes, I had a long talk about it with her. She is completely happy. Does not see the point in having other friends, loves being at home all the time, etc. But she did feel bad for me and perhaps said I should join some hobby club or something to get out more and meet new people to hang out with. But I think I should clarify to her that I do not want to hang out with others, but that I want to do more fun stuff with her.

 

Did you later find someone who was able to give you that, both the long term commitment, but also the desire to do fun, new things?

 

Absolutely. That relationship ended almost 12 years ago, and I have had much more fulfilling relationships in the meantime. We've both long since moved on. I loved him but I wasn't in love anymore. I have no regrets about ending that.

 

I don't quite understand why you feel it was solely her job to plan dates, though. Can you explain? That should go both ways. If you are truly interested in saving this, you need to pull up you boot-straps a little here.

 

If she is happy the way she is, she won't change. In other words, if she doesn't care about having a social circle or a life outside the relationship, you won't be able to change that. It's not exactly healthy for her, but it's her choice.

[SuitandTie]

Absolutely. That relationship ended almost 12 years ago, and I have had much more fulfilling relationships in the meantime. We've both long since moved on. I loved him but I wasn't in love anymore. I have no regrets about ending that.

 

I don't quite understand why you feel it was solely her job to plan dates, though. Can you explain? That should go both ways. If you are truly interested in saving this, you need to pull up you boot-straps a little here.

 

If she is happy the way she is, she won't change. In other words, if she doesn't care about having a social circle or a life outside the relationship, you won't be able to change that. It's not exactly healthy for her, but it's her choice.

Sorry for all the questions, but you mention you weren't in love anymore. Do you mean you did not feel the butterflies/heart in your throat/whatever anymore, or do you mean he just did not excite and inspire you anymore? Or something else?

 

On the whole it's her responsibility to plan things: It's just that when we started off, she was the energetic one, who always had all these crazy ideas to do. We could be in the apartment one moment, on a road trip 5 minutes later. That is VERY unlike me, since I like planning my entire day, staying at home, watching a tv show, read a book. That's what I would do if I were alone. So in that sense I depended on her to make my life exciting, to push me out of my comfort zone. And I felt like she could and can always depend on me to calm her down and give her guidance if she became too chaotic and could not see clearly anymore. We complemented each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry for all the questions, but you mention you weren't in love anymore. Do you mean you did not feel the butterflies/heart in your throat/whatever anymore, or do you mean he just did not excite and inspire you anymore? Or something else?

 

On the whole it's her responsibility to plan things: It's just that when we started off, she was the energetic one, who always had all these crazy ideas to do. We could be in the apartment one moment, on a road trip 5 minutes later. That is VERY unlike me, since I like planning my entire day, staying at home, watching a tv show, read a book. That's what I would do if I were alone. So in that sense I depended on her to make my life exciting, to push me out of my comfort zone. And I felt like she could and can always depend on me to calm her down and give her guidance if she became too chaotic and could not see clearly anymore. We complemented each other.

 

Yes, all of this. We were good friends but our lives were headed in different directions. He would've been happy to settle down and get married and raise a family in our hometown. I was only 23 and not ready for that yet. I also knew I was curious about dating other men. I can say that I was bored in the relationship and even after discussing this with him, nothing really changed. So I knew I was making the right choice when I broke up with him. Suddenly he wanted to do everything for me, but it was too late. I'd already emotionally checked out and was moving on. I wished him the best but I never looked back.

 

And a relationship can't survive if it's one person's responsibility to plan everything. That's not exactly fair. People grow and change and you cannot always rely on old patterns to help it work. Clearly it isn't. I think your girlfriend doesn't realize how at risk the relationship is right now. If you want to make a go of it, let her know you're concerned about the future of the relationship and how you feel you're growing apart. This will hurt her, but in my mind, there is no alternative if you want to give this a chance.

[theredpill]

It's the man's job to plan dates in my personal opinion, although date suggestions and surprises when the other half organises are always welcome and fun. This is how she bonds, spending good times together, especially post pregnancy where she'll be feeling a little fragile.

 

 

Sort out reliable babysitters, family or closest friends and go wine and dine her like you used to or should have, she'll blossom like a flower

 

 

I think like a few people here, we're wondering whether you deserve her - she's well on the level

 

 

Good Luck

[SuitandTie]

Yes, all of this. We were good friends but our lives were headed in different directions. He would've been happy to settle down and get married and raise a family in our hometown. I was only 23 and not ready for that yet. I also knew I was curious about dating other men. I can say that I was bored in the relationship and even after discussing this with him, nothing really changed. So I knew I was making the right choice when I broke up with him. Suddenly he wanted to do everything for me, but it was too late. I'd already emotionally checked out and was moving on. I wished him the best but I never looked back.

 

And a relationship can't survive if it's one person's responsibility to plan everything. That's not exactly fair. People grow and change and you cannot always rely on old patterns to help it work. Clearly it isn't. I think your girlfriend doesn't realize how at risk the relationship is right now. If you want to make a go of it, let her know you're concerned about the future of the relationship and how you feel you're growing apart. This will hurt her, but in my mind, there is no alternative if you want to give this a chance.

Thank you very much for your personal story, gives me the power to actually follow through if I do have to break things off.

 

But yeah, you're right. I'm not sure where my reasoning came from with that that's her role to plan activities. I mean, it's what I want, so why would I not plan it?

I will talk to her about it, and plan some fun activities to do. Maybe that will help us break the routine and help me discover that we do have a long term future together. I am ready to settle down, but I just want to make sure that it is with the right person. I am terrified of the idea of waking up in 20 years and feeling that this wasn't the person I was supposed to spend my life with.