Can't move on

[SparrowH]

Hi everyone. So this is my first post and I'm just hoping that perhaps sharing how I'm feeling with people who have had similar experiences might help. But it is long so turn back now if you want...

 

My ex broke up with me five months ago now. We had been together for 18 months and I had just started a new job in a new field. I've had two breakups before this which I didn't handle very well and the week after this breakup I was written off sick by my GP. A month or so later I resigned and still unemployed now.

 

These five months have been hell. I feel that almost every thought is of her. I can make anything and everything a reminder (I have long since removed any obvious reminders). We agreed to have NC about six weeks ago, at which point she unfriended me on FB, but being stupid, I continued FB stalking and got confirmation she is now seeing someone new. I have stopped the FB stalking now and deleted her number from my phone - I understand she is free to see who she wants and it is none of my business.

 

Like I said, five months now but I still get really low and suicidal (thoughts at least). It seems I put my whole sense of worth on my relationship status. I can't see a point now. I have been trying really hard, using CBT and seeing a private therapist, but feel like I am not making any progress. I know getting a new job will help, and I have had interviews but only offered a job that I am not very excited by. And I think it is the kind of fast paced pressured job that would not be good for me right now, and as it something I have done before, it won't do much for my CV. The offer still stands but I am applying for other jobs. Despite this, I still feel awful all the time, thinking about my ex with this new guy, how I could and should of been such a better boyfriend - How I probably got into the habit of getting comfortable and taking her for granted.

 

I try to start new hobbies but I am very slow with establishing them. I would like to get into woodwork but it is kind of expencive. Also, I would like to do some travelling but I just think what's the point when really I would want to be travelling with my ex.

 

I'm 27 now and have never left my parents' home - I was looking at even buying a flat five months ago but now I feel I couldn't face moving out even though living at home is another reason for the low self esteem.

 

I REALLY just want to stop thinking about her so much. It is unhealthy but I think the only way I moved on before was by starting a new relationship, but even then they were 6 months plus after the breakup.

 

Thanks for reading. I'm not exactly sure what I want to achieve by posting this - it is arrogant but I think I know all what I am 'suppose' to be doing. I guess just posting it somewhere is therapeutic in itself.

[lolablue17]

You feel guilty of being sad, and because you can't move on so fast you lose confidence, and the process keep providing it self as a "Perpetuum Mobile".

 

The first thing you can do is to accept and hug your sorrow. This is who you are. there are many just like you, like there are many others who can get over a break up much quicker.

 

You're probably a 'long term stable relationship' guy. many girls or women will make lots of efforts to have someone as stable as you. they will find it charming. Your pain is what sometimes people must go through, till they find someone who has the same view and needs in life.

 

Don't try to force yourself to get over your pain. I think that if you accept your pain with love and blessing, you will feel much better. Good luck!

[SparrowH]

Hey, thanks for your reply.

 

What you say makes sense - I would describe myself as lame and pathetic right now.

 

But I have also completely delved into the sadness from every angle - I think I know it and accept it. Now I just really want past it.

 

Actually, I probably don't accept that we are not meant to be together but I can't think of anyway how I will.

[burnt]

Hi everyone. So this is my first post and I'm just hoping that perhaps sharing how I'm feeling with people who have had similar experiences might help.

 

I REALLY just want to stop thinking about her so much. It is unhealthy but I think the only way I moved on before was by starting a new relationship, but even then they were 6 months plus after the breakup.

 

Thanks for reading. I'm not exactly sure what I want to achieve by posting this - it is arrogant but I think I know all what I am 'suppose' to be doing. I guess just posting it somewhere is therapeutic in itself.

 

It's not arrogant of you--it's the last thing I'd think of you, reading your post.

 

I do hear you. I can relate to so much of what you wrote, especially the line "I REALLY just want to stop thinking about her so much". I'm on the same exact boat. I can't stop.

 

I know all the 'right' things I ought to be doing--that's one of the reasons I haven't posted my own story, because I already know what others will suggest--so I suppose that makes me more arrogant than you ; but the root of the problem is inside of me--that I'm not ready to let go yet.

 

So I understand when you say you just want to share--just to be able to put the thoughts into words and put them out there for someone to know. Well, I'm glad you shared and I read it and just want to say I'm sorry for how you're struggling.

 

I do hope you find a job that keeps you mentally engaged--that usually helps to distract the mind.

 

Maybe time is the only thing to clutch to at this point.

[SparrowH]

I do hear you. I can relate to so much of what you wrote, especially the line "I REALLY just want to stop thinking about her so much". I'm on the same exact boat. I can't stop.

 

I know all the 'right' things I ought to be doing--that's one of the reasons I haven't posted my own story, because I already know what others will suggest--so I suppose that makes me more arrogant than you ; but the root of the problem is inside of me--that I'm not ready to let go yet.

 

Hey burnt, thanks for reading.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are also struggling but thanks for posting - I can relate, 'the root of the problem is inside of me' - you would think understanding this would make it easier to move on but somehow it just doesn't.

 

I don't think you are arrogant either. It just makes it all the more frustrating - knowing what you are suppose to do but still feel like you are not getting anywhere.

 

Good luck to you too

[lolablue17]

Everything i wrote before came from a personal experience. I'm one of those guys who find it very hard to let go. I've also been through break ups.

 

For me it was also depend on the terms of the break up. If it was unfair and hurt my ego badly, it was much harder to move on. If she kept talking to me for a while after she broke up with me, answering my questions, meet if i needed, and was fair, it was easier.

[SparrowH]

lolablue17,

 

Sorry if I sounded flippant with my response earlier, it wasn't my intention. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and you sharing your perspective.

[lolablue17]

I didn't think you did something wrong. Don't be polite, just be yourself... Everything is great.

[healingsoul]

Breakups are very hard, especially when you invest a part of yourself in a relationship. Since you have noticed a pattern of how devastating break ups are for you, this is a strong indicator that you need to develop your own life more before you get involved in another relationship.

 

Who we are as a person is what we have to invest in another. When we are depleted we get thin and have very little to give (and left for ourselves personally). So, I would highly recommend that you start working, even if it is a job that you may not be wild about and use it as a learning experience. Even if the job may not offer at lot of new or expanded work experience you always can pick up new lessons in life about yourself and others.

 

Also since the job is not your dream job, you could use the time when you are not working to explore other job opportunties, to network and to develop other interests. All of this will make you stronger personally.

 

Try to think about things that you love to do. Invest time doing this and expand these times by looking for ways to learn more about ideas related to this area.

 

What are some things in life that you enjoy? You say you like traveling well plan short weekend trips to places that you have not been yet or places that you might see again and explore more deeply. Read about the locations and try to find restaurants or stores that are not in the touristy spots.

 

I know you said you would be thinking about your ex if you traveled but it is time for you to think about discovering how to enjoy life solo so that you have more to give in a relationship without feeling so depleted if you have a break up.

 

Does this make sense?

[SparrowH]

Healingsoul, makes perfect sense, thanks for your post.

 

I certainly do need to establish a life for myself. I say I would like to go travelling but haven't really done much. I look at my life and think of how much I haven't done, what little there is of me, feel lost, and then usually just feel worse and continue not to do anything (as typical of a depression-low motivation cycle as I think you can get). I end up thinking there is no point.

[Captivating]

Hi SparrowH,

You know, this is the withdrawal that you are experiencing which is located in the same spot of the brain as a drug withdrawal. Everybody experiences this withdrawal upon a breakup, but in different degrees. You are not alone!

 

I am so sorry that you have such a hard time with it.

Some videos might be really helpful :

 

Reading about the topic, giving advices for others with their heartache up here on LS can be also very helpful, believe it or not.

 

We go through these breakups throughout our lives before we find someone we are really compatible with. It is a learning process we learn about others, ourselves and about relationship dynamics.

 

Set small goals first and achieve them, it will boost the next one. It will also boosts your self esteem. Structure your everyday life in a way that you keep yourself and your thoughts occupied. Make reading a habit every night before going to bed. Go to the gym 4 times a week, go to swim, watch thought provoking documentaries, we have Netflix in the US I'm not sure about London Watch these movies : " Hungry for change" "Forks over knives" "foodmatters" "e-motion" "inequality for all" "fat, sick and nearly dead"

" chemerical" etc...you said you are interested in woodwork, awesome !!! seek out a place you can learn it at. How about photography?? Slowly, but surely you will get better, don't worry. Be patient with yourself what you are feeling is completely normal! Keep an open mind and when you are feeling better, get out there and start dating again.

[healingsoul]

I think you are getting a lot of love and support from the people on LS.

 

We all can examine our life and see where we haven't lived up to expectations but don't see that as a negative. This can be a positive because you are growing. So many people never see the mistakes they have made or consider how they can live in a better way.

 

Focus on what is present and ahead not what lies in the past. I understand depression. It is so hard and often gets worse in the winter months. This is why I am so strongly encouraging you to find areas of interest that you want to invest time into. Make goals and start planning and learning about these areas.

 

So if you would like to travel start studying about those places and research the history and sites to see in those areas. Make a list of ones that are more reasonably doable. Yes, Dream!

 

Try to get out of the house. Is there a local coffee shop or juice bar you might be able to visit? Many times a lack of vitamin D can cause a person to be more down. Have you had your bloodwork checked? Depression can be more intense if you have low levels of vitamin D and B. And a doctor might be able to help in other areas.

 

Don't listen to negative thoughts. Take them captive and focus on what is true and good. Do you like to write? Some people find journaling to be very helpful when going through hard mental/emotional times.

Healingsoul, makes perfect sense, thanks for your post.

 

I certainly do need to establish a life for myself. I say I would like to go travelling but haven't really done much. I look at my life and think of how much I haven't done, what little there is of me, feel lost, and then usually just feel worse and continue not to do anything (as typical of a depression-low motivation cycle as I think you can get). I end up thinking there is no point.

[SparrowH]

Hi SparrowH,

You know, this is the withdrawal that you are experiencing which is located in the same spot of the brain as a drug withdrawal. Everybody experiences this withdrawal upon a breakup, but in different degrees. You are not alone!

 

I am so sorry that you have such a hard time with it.

Some videos might be really helpful :

 

Reading about the topic, giving advices for others with their heartache up here on LS can be also very helpful, believe it or not.

 

We go through these breakups throughout our lives before we find someone we are really compatible with. It is a learning process we learn about others, ourselves and about relationship dynamics.

 

Set small goals first and achieve them, it will boost the next one. It will also boosts your self esteem. Structure your everyday life in a way that you keep yourself and your thoughts occupied. Make reading a habit every night before going to bed. Go to the gym 4 times a week, go to swim, watch thought provoking documentaries, we have Netflix in the US I'm not sure about London Watch these movies : " Hungry for change" "Forks over knives" "foodmatters" "e-motion" "inequality for all" "fat, sick and nearly dead"

" chemerical" etc...you said you are interested in woodwork, awesome !!! seek out a place you can learn it at. How about photography?? Slowly, but surely you will get better, don't worry. Be patient with yourself what you are feeling is completely normal! Keep an open mind and when you are feeling better, get out there and start dating again.

 

Hi Captivating, thank you for your thoughtful post.

 

I have read a bit on break up being similar to drug withdrawal and can certainly relate to that. It takes priority over everything else - nothing else seems like it really matters.

 

Yeah we have Netflix here and I do like a good documentary so I will look those up. Just back from the gym! I definitely think exercise is a good thing but not sure I find it very helpful, sometimes find it kind of lonely. But still, better than not doing anything! I also do like to read but not doing as much as I should right now; being unemployed I think I get into the frame of mind that I don't 'deserve' to do 'enjoyable' things - ridiculous I know!

 

I'll try to keep in mind about going slow and giving myself a bit of a break but it is something I find very difficult - my negative style of thinking is so habitual. I read this last night and thought it was quite interesting

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mood-thought/201307/four-tips-habit-research-reduce-worry-and-rumination

 

Thanks again for your time and advice.

[SparrowH]

I think you are getting a lot of love and support from the people on LS.

 

We all can examine our life and see where we haven't lived up to expectations but don't see that as a negative. This can be a positive because you are growing. So many people never see the mistakes they have made or consider how they can live in a better way.

 

Focus on what is present and ahead not what lies in the past. I understand depression. It is so hard and often gets worse in the winter months. This is why I am so strongly encouraging you to find areas of interest that you want to invest time into. Make goals and start planning and learning about these areas.

 

So if you would like to travel start studying about those places and research the history and sites to see in those areas. Make a list of ones that are more reasonably doable. Yes, Dream!

 

Try to get out of the house. Is there a local coffee shop or juice bar you might be able to visit? Many times a lack of vitamin D can cause a person to be more down. Have you had your bloodwork checked? Depression can be more intense if you have low levels of vitamin D and B. And a doctor might be able to help in other areas.

 

Don't listen to negative thoughts. Take them captive and focus on what is true and good. Do you like to write? Some people find journaling to be very helpful when going through hard mental/emotional times.

 

I certainly am getting a lot of love and I really appreciate it - I am really glad I signed up just two days ago.

 

At times, I can see how this is an opportunity for me to start fresh, and can be excited by it but I do tend to go to what I describe as my 'default' - negative hopeless thinking style stuck on the past, removed from the present.

 

I should try and get out of the house more, even if it is just to read in a coffee shop. I think I possibly associate so much negative stuff to my environment that it would be good to get myself out of it more often.

 

I have had a blood test recently, I am now on a combination of two antidepressants (I have been on one for 5 years +, a second was added a couple of months ago) - it really helped at first (5 years ago) but now I am not so sure. I have a vitamin D spray that I use and also take magnesium.

 

I do journal and have found it helpful but of recent I have been writing less as I have found myself just writing about how shi*ty I feel.

 

Healingsoul, thanks again, I really appreciate it.

[Sar112]

I felt so much for you reading this... I'm 27 too and have recently been through a break up (2 months ago), despite being in NC for 3 weeks now, it doesn't seem to be helping.

 

With my previous break up I too didn't handle it well and ended up giving up my job - giving up on everything really. This time I have managed to fight through the urge of doing that and found that despite it not making me feel any better, it does at least give some structure to my day and means I have less time to myself to overthink. So, even if you do take the high pressure job and keep applying for others in the meantime I think it would be good for you - give you some more 'purpose'.

 

The main thing I have learnt is that even if your ex does meet someone new, the only way you stand a chance of having them admit to you that they regret what happened is when they see you getting on with your life without them and succeeding at it. I am terrified that soon my ex will meet someone new but I am doing my best to avoid ever finding out (luckily he doesn't use any social media so I can't 'stalk' him on there). The imagination is a powerful thing so if you keep away from what they're doing it's far easier to convince yourself that they're not having this wonderful time you're probably making out in your head that they're having atm whilst you sit at home moping - I know, because I've spent months doing it before.

 

I was with my recent ex for three years 10 years ago and then we split when we went away to uni. He was with a number of people in between but came back two years ago telling me I was the love of his life etc etc... that they all meant nothing. This time we have split for different reasons, hence why I'm finding it so tough again - because it seems like we were 'meant to be'. But we'll see - I know there is nothing I can do but put all my efforts into being successful and not contacting him - this is the only thing that will make them start to miss you.

 

If you need any support I'd be happy to chat here. It sounds like we're in a pretty similar situation. I hope you, well, both of us really - manage to move on/get the outcome we want and deserve.

[SparrowH]

I felt so much for you reading this... I'm 27 too and have recently been through a break up (2 months ago), despite being in NC for 3 weeks now, it doesn't seem to be helping.

 

With my previous break up I too didn't handle it well and ended up giving up my job - giving up on everything really. This time I have managed to fight through the urge of doing that and found that despite it not making me feel any better, it does at least give some structure to my day and means I have less time to myself to overthink. So, even if you do take the high pressure job and keep applying for others in the meantime I think it would be good for you - give you some more 'purpose'.

 

The main thing I have learnt is that even if your ex does meet someone new, the only way you stand a chance of having them admit to you that they regret what happened is when they see you getting on with your life without them and succeeding at it. I am terrified that soon my ex will meet someone new but I am doing my best to avoid ever finding out (luckily he doesn't use any social media so I can't 'stalk' him on there). The imagination is a powerful thing so if you keep away from what they're doing it's far easier to convince yourself that they're not having this wonderful time you're probably making out in your head that they're having atm whilst you sit at home moping - I know, because I've spent months doing it before.

 

I was with my recent ex for three years 10 years ago and then we split when we went away to uni. He was with a number of people in between but came back two years ago telling me I was the love of his life etc etc... that they all meant nothing. This time we have split for different reasons, hence why I'm finding it so tough again - because it seems like we were 'meant to be'. But we'll see - I know there is nothing I can do but put all my efforts into being successful and not contacting him - this is the only thing that will make them start to miss you.

 

If you need any support I'd be happy to chat here. It sounds like we're in a pretty similar situation. I hope you, well, both of us really - manage to move on/get the outcome we want and deserve.

 

Hi Sarr112, I'm sorry to hear you are also struggling but grateful for you taking the time to post here.

 

I completely agree with you - the only way the ex will have any kind of doubt is if she/he sees that you are getting on well with life. Although I still have the last little bit of hope, I know it is completely irrational - she very likely moved on a long time ago, and by acting desperate, I have only really confirmed for her the reasons she broke up with me. I think all she would feel now is relief if she found out that I was moving on.

 

Some structure, that a job would provide, would be really helpful. I think this is perhaps the main difference between this breakup and the two before that - I really struggled but had studies to focus on and provide structure. However, I feel accepting this job, which is very similar to the type of job I had before which my ex supported me through, will feel too much like going backwards. And, I'm not complaining, but I am still getting interviews for the kind of job which I think if I get would be a massive ego boost (my mood does seem to improve if I have an interview coming up for a job I'm excited by). Just so far not got past that interview. I think this job I've been offered is really only acting as a safety net now, and I should perhaps withdraw from it.

 

I agree again, I think it is best to avoid any kind of information or contact with an ex. For a very long time I am sure any information that I may come across will only feel like a crushing blow.

 

I wish you all the best too. I would be very happy to chat on here but I am not so sure how that works - do you need to subscribe to be able to private message?

[Sar112]

I'm not sure - I guess in the thread as we doing would work fine.

 

That's good that when you get an interview it boosts your mood even if it is momentarily. Positive feelings like that will only continue to grow once they start in my experience at least. I see what you're saying with feeling like this job would be a step back too and if you think it wouldn't help you confidence wise then maybe it isn't the best idea to take it especially if you are close to finding something else at this stage.

 

Hope is such a saviour in these situations but also such a curse. I think a lot of the time it stops us from fully moving on. I don't think she would necessary feel relieved if she saw you moving on though. Often I think that is the catalyst to make someone realise that they have truly lost you, and that is when they start to panic.

 

Either way, I think the point at which you fully give up hope and accept things is the point at which you really move on. If you figure out how to do it, feel free to let me know how you managed it!

[SparrowH]

I'm not sure - I guess in the thread as we doing would work fine.

 

That's good that when you get an interview it boosts your mood even if it is momentarily. Positive feelings like that will only continue to grow once they start in my experience at least. I see what you're saying with feeling like this job would be a step back too and if you think it wouldn't help you confidence wise then maybe it isn't the best idea to take it especially if you are close to finding something else at this stage.

 

Hope is such a saviour in these situations but also such a curse. I think a lot of the time it stops us from fully moving on. I don't think she would necessary feel relieved if she saw you moving on though. Often I think that is the catalyst to make someone realise that they have truly lost you, and that is when they start to panic.

 

Either way, I think the point at which you fully give up hope and accept things is the point at which you really move on. If you figure out how to do it, feel free to let me know how you managed it!

 

It is a tricky thing, that last bit of hope - does it motivate you to move on and show that you are doing well, or does it just keep you from really moving on. I think, as if with most things, it is probably a bit of both; if you can use it to motivate yourself to get to a better place where you no longer need it, then great

[healingsoul]

Sparrow H,

 

I can really tell that you are going to be able to move on and do so much better. You are so positive to everyone's comments and you are really trying to make changes in your life to help your situation. Keep pressing in and become the best person you can be for yourself. This way you will have more to offer when a special person comes along.

[SparrowH]

Sparrow H,

 

I can really tell that you are going to be able to move on and do so much better. You are so positive to everyone's comments and you are really trying to make changes in your life to help your situation. Keep pressing in and become the best person you can be for yourself. This way you will have more to offer when a special person comes along.

 

 

Thank you healingsoul, that was really nice to read and is something I will try to remember. I hope you are right. My best wishes go to you.

[SparrowH]

So had been starting to feel pretty good for a couple of weeks after Christmas; withdrew from a job that I was in the recruitment stage but was unsure of, and been offered a job I really wanted, but the last few days I have been feeling pretty awful and thinking more and more about my ex. Actually, since I've been offered the job I've been feeling pretty bad. Perhaps I was just trying to change things around hoping that she would notice and not for myself.

 

I think I was of the mind that once I got a job I wanted, my confidence and self worth would go up and things would sort themselves out and I would move on. Now, everything just feels empty - what's the point of getting a job if I can't tell her about it etc. Like I was just trying to fool myself that I would be okay without her.

 

Now this is a really good job but I am now not sure about it, thinking my reasons for wanting it were not good ones (it is in a similar area and level to my ex's job, although not in the same department and would not mean any 'accidental' contact). I am probably over thinking it.

 

Not exactly sure of the purpose of this post but did find the time and kind words of others on here before very helpful.