JangMi1221 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 (edited) I'm extremely reserved and this is my first time posting on here. I feel unheard and so emotionally defeated/damaged. Maybe this will help me to release these feelings of anger, hurt, fear, sadness, confusion, and feelings of rejection. My story in a nutshell: Started out with a healthy and optimistic outlook - looking forward to meeting someone, getting married, having a family, and enjoying life. Didn't guard my heart and think wisely when I met a guy who turned out to be very promiscuous during our year and half relationship. (I was 19 then). I tried to mask the pain with a string of meaningless sexual relationships then decided to stay alone to focus on me. Age 22: I meet a fella and we hit it off. I keep my distance while trying to learn him. I eventually enter into a relationship with him - seems to be excellent emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical chemistry but he always had a excuse for major concerns that I brought up. 10 years later, I finally discover he's married - with a 3 year old (and had other women on the side). He used religion, work, & family to cover it up. Can't believe I was that gullible for THAT LONG!!! Simply embarrassing. Anyhow, when I let him know that I found out and that I was ending what we had - he vanished. Just like that. 10 years of regular contact then nothing. You can only imagine the emotional trauma that followed. What hurt even more is that I allowed myself to be fooled and strung along with promises of marriage. People asked how could I have not known and how could I have not seen the signs. More salt in the wound. Anyhow, 10 years of my life....gone. My entire 20's holding on to a false dream and waking up to a nightmare. Age 34: Refusing to give up....met someone online, did a full background check, Google search, prayed, asked lots of questions, then accepted his desire to enter into a relationship when it seemed safe. Months later, red flags popped up everywhere - regarding his ex wife, other women, illegal money scams, etc. He also stated that he never wanted to remarry after insinuating that he wanted to only months before. I stuck in anyway for the love of his daughter and because I don't believing in giving up. I break up with him on Valentine's Day when finding out he's sleeping with another woman (she posted flowers that he bought her on social media). In my stupidity, I remained friends with him another 7 months because I couldn't bring myself to let go of his daughter and because he strongly believed that we could still be friends. Bad choice. Unwise. During that year and a half (relationship + friendship), he used me to the point where my finances were damaged and I lost my car. He was arrested on charges of writing bad checks & fraud, but gullible me got caught up with this character. Still cleaning up financial damage - $2300 worth left to repair. During last two months of our interaction, I meet someone else on a different dating site. Just needed to know that there was someone out there that was different. He was. I felt safe, he listened to me, he understood, and he cared. Funny - when I did my "research" on him this site popped up. He was once active here and from reading his story about what a young lady put him through, I just 100% absolutely knew he was genuine, had a heart, and wouldn't put me through what I've already been through. I don't think I told him that I found him on here because I didn't want him to think I was a creeper (and he doesn't know that I'm on here but this seems like a safe place to vent). I just had to protect myself because I've been so gullible in the past. I still stayed guarded. It took me to 2 1/2 months to finally go out with him. I slowly began to fall for him then he had my heart. I was also in biblical counseling and felt spiritually safe with him. After about a year of on/off, back/forth, disagreements/differences of opinion, it crumbled. He said he didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with me and that it wouldn't work. He seemed very nonchalant. At least he was honest - when someone says they don't want a relationship or marriage, I believe them this time. That was a little before Thanksgiving and I fight daily to not think about him. I can't completely blame him. He wasn't a bad guy at all - very compassionate for the most part. He wasn't perfect and there were definitely some things about him that bothered me (it's crazy to say this but his flaws were beautiful). I love him dearly - but maybe some things are just for a season I suppose. Just have to suck up the pain and keep living. Was I not enough? At times, I pondered if I was being selfish. We both said and did things to push each other away (I walked away from him 6 times and he came back 5 - I came back once.) I couldn't deal with his manner of flirting with and hanging out with women. He said it was harmless flirting in fun and that he has no romantic connections with those women. I believed he wasn't romantically involved with them, but why the emotional connections? Most of them obviously wanted something more. Was I not enough? Ugh. I don't know. He felt as if I was bossy, controlling, & jealous. I HAVE to be smarter now. It's important for me to know a man's intentions and I can't afford to be strung along again. I just really wanted it to work...but I have to be strong. I have to be strong. He had my heart, but I never had his. So I have to be strong. And although my heart still beats for only him, I only wish him the very best. I've blocked his number and all social media accounts to make sure that I don't make any dumb moves and end right back in square one. Have to be wiser now. I'm getting too old for this stuff. Anyhow, I'm so outdone right now. All of my friends, family, co-workers, associates can testify as to how good a person I am (not perfect). I'm just tired. I can't take any more of this. I'm 37 and it's been almost 20 years of me enduring this. I've been re-evaluating myself. I don't want to just give up but this is wearing my heart down. I know it's a long post. I'm not really sure if I'm asking for advice, but if you choose to then please keep it positive. Even constructive criticism is welcome. I've cried countless nights. I've journaled to the last page. I do pray and keep a smile on my face. I guess I just needed to vent to another living soul who doesn't know me. Maybe this is an online journal entry that I can release into a cyber fireplace. Life is really something. Thanks for reading. Please send a prayer my way. Edited December 25, 2015 by JangMi1221 Misspell 2
madde Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 Hei, JangMi1221! First of all I wanted to say - after reading your story - you are so brave! Someone will break down after first breakup and never try again, but you have tried many times. I'm so sorry to hear the way it turned out to be. Maybe it is hard to believe now but these are the words that are keeping me alive with hope - You are good enough, although he didn't see it. It is hard, I know. You keep watching at happy couples and thinking - why I am failing again and again? Sometimes you can find reasons in yourself but sometimes it doesn't have a thing with you. Maybe you have to got all these scars and when the time is right, you will see what is real love. Hold on - you are very beautiful personality as I can see. Virtual hugs and prayers for you. Have yourself a quiet and calm Christmas! 2
Author JangMi1221 Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 Thank you for your inspirational words. Very heartfelt and well-received. Many blessings to you. 1
love2ride Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 Im sorry for your pain and Merry Christmas. I have no idea myself about love and relationships anymore. I don't trust anyone but I know it hurts and i'm sorry you hurt. It sucks 1
LydiaLong Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 You need to stop meeting people on the internet. Try joining a church or join a local charity where you will meet decent people.
Recommended Posts