Girl I slept with seemed keen, but seems distant since.. what I should do?

[ramboparrot]

Don't think too much about it, Learn from it. Learn to not rub one out before you go out. Whoever suggested you do that watched too many bad 80's comedies.

 

As far as the texting stuff? I may just be too old but the impersonal nature of texting lends it self to someone showing their ass too easily. If you are going to try the comedic route, it is really best to do it in person. I think a woman would find you much more charming in person than through texting, since it is so hard to decipher exact intent and tone through text. You can act kind of nerdy and dorky in person with a female and in more cases they will find it somewhat quirky and charming. To do so through text has a loserish quality to it that makes men look desperate.

 

Again, it is just something you learn through trial and error.

 

And as for my advice, take what you need of it and leave the rest. My advice is no better or worse than anyone else here. The goal for you young man, is to NOT give up over a single bad experience. Just work on your skills and you'll be ok. I promise you will.

 

Good Luck

 

Nobody did, at the time I thought our plans fell through to meet earlier in the day as she told me she didn't get that text but then told me to meet after she finished work instead. I never had sex on my mind, assumed she thought it would be too soon. It didn't help I was tired and had alcohol in me though, but she appeared to enjoy it at the time.

[ramboparrot]

Send her a Merry Christmas text without any questions or attempts to meet up. Don't use it as an excuse to strike up conversation, and don't make her have to worry about telling you when the next time you're meeting up is when you know she's busy with her family. Just something like "Merry Christmas. Hope you're having a great one."

 

If she's worth dating, she'll appreciate the gesture and will respond similarly. Then just leave it at that unless she asks you a question.

 

If she's put off by a kind thought on Christmas, then she's screwed up and you're better off moving on.

 

Ended up saying "Feliz Navidad! Hope your day is great. Did you get to celebrate with your parents over Skype?".

 

Even if I didn't send that text, I'm sure the damage was done but took the chance. Bit early to judge, but it's been an hour since and nothing which I should expect. I'll delete her number and conversation tomorrow to stop dwelling on it and go NC. Her loss.

[ramboparrot]

She got back to me just before with two texts, at least I got a conclusion to this..

 

Girl: Yep it was great, thank you! I saw my family and slept a lot!

Girl: I know it's not the best way to speak this things, but I've been thinking on that since Sunday, when you asked me that question, and after a lot of thinking we should stop seeing each other, because we want different things, and I don't want to hurt you. You are a wonderful guy, but i'm not your person. I hope you understand me.

 

Oh well, some clarity. Did me asking her to be my girlfriend put her off? Or was she never looking for a relationship at all and just something casual?

 

What should be my response to her? Not that it will matter, it's just I don't want her last impression of me being a jerk. I was thinking of saying "I've also been thinking the same thing, just as long as you know hat I'm only interested in you romantically and not friendship. I hope that things go well for you in the future and you meet someone who is your sort of person. If you do change your mind, you know where I am..."

 

Not sure about that last bit, but if someone can think of a more suitable response to close this out.

[sin miedo]

What should be my response to her? Not that it will matter, it's just I don't want her last impression of me being a jerk. I was thinking of saying "I've also been thinking the same thing, just as long as you know hat I'm only interested in you romantically and not friendship. I hope that things go well for you in the future and you meet someone who is your sort of person. If you do change your mind, you know where I am..."

 

Not sure about that last bit, but if someone can think of a more suitable response to close this out.

 

Don't send a reply message. No need, and that last part will surely come off as desperate. You two have different relationship goals - simple as that.

[The Way I Am]

At least you had the decency to break it to you instead of blowing you off.

 

It's done. There's no need to send a response. Nothing you tell her will change her mind.

 

But if you decide to go against that advice anyway, don't send anything like what you wrote. That sounds really desperate. Don't send anything more than a brief, "I appreciate you letting me know. Take care."

[wb1988]

Sounds like she's interested in (or maybe already ****ed) some other guy. Also never give a girl a pass just because she's foreign.

 

Also where exactly is she from?

 

I thought I'd mention a few types I've noticed:

 

Philippino girls always cheat.

Korean/Vietnamese girls always leave their guy broke despite trying to save money. Also they make an effort to appear submissive in public so that when things go bad everyone takes their side and assume you're the bad guy.

Indian girls are always full of obstacles that never deliver in the end and age really terribly (father time is their biggest enemy). Also Indian girls that are Americanized are overly slutty.

East Europeans girls are only good for guys that are able to put up with 24/7 nagging, nothing is ever good enough.

 

Also always be observant if you're dating a girl that speaks a language that you don't.

Edited December 26, 2015 by wb1988

[ramboparrot]

I made sure she knew I was joking about the "other cute girl snoring" and that it was bad timing on Sunday (sleeping with her) because I was tired and drunk. I also said that was all I was interested in was romance not friendship, in our interaction and that if she changes her mind she can give me a call, Then I said that I appreciate her telling me and to take care.

 

It might sound harsh and manipulative, but I needed to show her that it's what I want and that I won't succumb to her changing how our interaction goes. Either she sees the same way as I do, or she doesn't and I move on.

[Space Ritual]

I made sure she knew I was joking about the "other cute girl snoring" and that it was bad timing on Sunday (sleeping with her) because I was tired and drunk. I also said that was all I was interested in was romance not friendship, in our interaction and that if she changes her mind she can give me a call, Then I said that I appreciate her telling me and to take care.

 

It might sound harsh and manipulative, but I needed to show her that it's what I want and that I won't succumb to her changing how our interaction goes. Either she sees the same way as I do, or she doesn't and I move on.

 

LOL,

 

Why am I not surprised you had to try to have the last word?

 

I was trying honesty to help you by what I wrote to you earlier yesterday. What I am going to write to you now is not an attempt to offend you, as i know your ego is probably not in the best shape right now. I'm just going to be matter of fact here because if you are to learn anything from this negative experience you might as well learn it as soon as possible in order to prevent another recurrence of it. So if you want to totally disregard a word of advice from someone who used to be a very nice guy and got walked all over until fate forced me to not be such a nice guy anymore and I have not gotten walked over since, then read no further.

 

However,

 

Your best course of action is not only to not have any further contact with this girl, but to delete her from your life to the point that you forget about her as soon as possible.

 

Why?

 

She gave you the kiss of death. She wanted a bang buddy on occasion. But not only did she find your repertoire lacking, she also found you to be a Beta type of guy with what happened the next morning. That is not a virtue with women that are just looking for some sex once in awhile. Matter of fact I would not be surprised if when she offered you breakfast she would have tried to make you Quiche to confirm in her mind that you were a Beta. The fact of the matter is that when you put a lot of expectations on somebody in a short duration, you better be able to nail the interview for FWB in the first act.

 

It didn't happen, and when a girl says in a sentence that you are a "wonderful guy", nothing and I mean nothing is going to come afterwards that will be anything less than a bruise to your ego. So in the future, don't expect too much so soon, and please do not respond after being called a wonderful guy with anything other than crickets ever again.

 

At best, she will soon become a distant memory and someone you will never see again. At worst she will save your last text and anyone of her friends that asks her about you in any way that could be interpreted as being attracted to you will be treated to a verbatim reading of your last communication, with her colorful opinion of said communication following the verbatim reading. Thereby narrowing down your booty pool exponentially. In other words, you will be ridiculed ad nauseum and you'll be the last one to find out.

 

I am not the most eloquent writer on Loveshack, but unless you are a hillbilly posting threads about being attracted to a family member, I do dispense advice with the poster's best interest in mind.

 

That being said, you might benefit greatly by reading the following:

 

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

 

 

I think it may help you in the long run. Again I am not trying to offend you in any way. But had I had such resources available to me when I was a much younger man than I am now, I would have made the necessary changes I needed to make for myself a lot sooner. And I probably would have made a few better choices along the way and saved myself a lot of pain. You can save yourself a lot of pain in the future, but you have to love yourself enough to take the risk.

 

Good Luck.

[Xiomn]

Did me asking her to be my girlfriend put her off? Or was she never looking for a relationship at all and just something casual?

 

 

Yes, you scared her off.

 

Like I said in my first reply, never ask a girl to be your girlfriend, where is this going or anything similar. If you hadn't brought any of that rubbish up then you would probably have continued to see/sleep with her in the future.

 

Live and Learn.

 

It happens to all of us at one point..I learned that same lesson not too long ago now I know never to do it again. And even if a girl brings up "what are you looking for?" ask them what they're looking for first and go with that. If she says she is looking for casual (even if you're looking for a proper relationship) then you say casual too, continue to sleep with her and in the meantime continue to date other people who are actually looking for a proper relationship too. That way you continue to bang a girl consistently while searching for someone who suits what you're looking for.

 

People probably won't like that response because it's essentially lying by intentionally giving them the wrong impression and using them for sex but if you do it well it's a win-win situation really.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Xiomn

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you scared her off.

 

Like I said in my first reply, never ask a girl to be your girlfriend, where is this going or anything similar. If you hadn't brought any of that rubbish up then you would probably have continued to see/sleep with her in the future.

 

Live and Learn.

 

It happens to all of us at one point..I learned that same lesson not too long ago now I know never to do it again. And even if a girl brings up "what are you looking for?" ask them what they're looking for first and go with that. If she says she is looking for casual (even if you're looking for a proper relationship) then you say casual too, continue to sleep with her and in the meantime continue to date other people who are actually looking for a proper relationship too. That way you continue to bang a girl consistently while searching for someone who suits what you're looking for.

 

People probably won't like that response because it's essentially lying by intentionally giving them the wrong impression and using them for sex but if you do it well it's a win-win situation really.

 

I have to interject and say that is not always true.

 

I'm a woman too. And if I liked a man I was seeing enough, him asking me to be his girlfriend would make me happy. It would not send me running, if my interest level was truly there. That has only had that effect when I knew I wasn't as interested in him as he was in me, so I knew I had to bow out because I didn't want to hurt him. I suspect that's what happened here.

[The Way I Am]

*face palm* All you just did was confirm to her that she made the right decision.

 

 

I made sure she knew I was joking about the "other cute girl snoring"

 

She already knew that. She didn't think you slept with a 2nd girl Sun night.

 

 

and that it was bad timing on Sunday (sleeping with her) because I was tired and drunk.

Didn't you already have that conversation. What good did you think repeating it would do?

 

 

I also said that was all I was interested in was romance not friendship, in our interaction and that if she changes her mind she can give me a call

She already figured that out. She spelled out that's why she dumped you. What good did repeating it do? You don't think she knows she can give you a call if she changes her mind?

 

It might sound harsh and manipulative, but I needed to show her that it's what I want and that I won't succumb to her changing how our interaction goes. Either she sees the same way as I do, or she doesn't and I move on.

What you showed her was that you're a pushover that will still take her if she can't find anyone better. Assuming she even read the text. It sounds like it was pretty long, so she probably didn't. And she could easily guess at the content anyway.

 

 

Nobody male or female wants to read a text like that after they've dumped someone. You guaranteed that she definitely won't be calling you.

[ramboparrot]

Long ass quote

Thanks for your harsh, but honest words. I think I produced my own kiss of death, with the girlfriend thing. I did the woman's job, when I should have been doing the mans job and not looking beta. It started off well, I was being the man, in control and she loved it. But I got too comfortable, I acted like the job was done and as if we were in a relationship, I became weak and she sensed it.

 

Would you have said that Christmas/second message forced her hand, or could it have been saved with NC? I'm pretty sure the damage was already done when I acted weak and that sending that second message spared me a week of "wondering".

 

I hope she doesn't laugh about me behind my back, but she didn't seem the bitchy type, nor did her friends.. But then again I didn't know either of them properly and luckily there are millions of other girls.

 

My ego definitely sent the last message, but I figured that at the time, whether I sent it or not, the outcome was always the same, but I will use that advice on future girls and not reply back. It's all about composure.

 

What I've learned is to not act weak, let the girl bring up the relationship. Act like I am in control and not succumbing to her commands like her saying I could leave when I should have said no! In fact, I'm 90% sure her actual words were "You can go if you want, you don't have to be nice", she definitely mentioned nice and I should have clocked that.

 

Basically I need to STOP acting the nice guy. Not sure about my sex technique but she seemed to like it, but then could have been an act. That will improve the more experience I get, it was my first time.

[dobielover]

She got back to me just before with two texts, at least I got a conclusion to this..

 

Girl: Yep it was great, thank you! I saw my family and slept a lot!

Girl: I know it's not the best way to speak this things, but I've been thinking on that since Sunday, when you asked me that question, and after a lot of thinking we should stop seeing each other, because we want different things, and I don't want to hurt you. You are a wonderful guy, but i'm not your person. I hope you understand me.

 

Oh well, some clarity. Did me asking her to be my girlfriend put her off? Or was she never looking for a relationship at all and just something casual?

 

What should be my response to her? Not that it will matter, it's just I don't want her last impression of me being a jerk. I was thinking of saying "I've also been thinking the same thing, just as long as you know hat I'm only interested in you romantically and not friendship. I hope that things go well for you in the future and you meet someone who is your sort of person. If you do change your mind, you know where I am..."

 

Not sure about that last bit, but if someone can think of a more suitable response to close this out.

 

It was not, let me repeat, it was not that you asked her to be your GF, that caused this. No no no no no no no.

 

Asking for exclusivity or a relationship is NOT the "woman's job." The woman is not the chaser, the pursuer, in relationships or even biologically. The opposite is true. If a woman likes you, she WANTS YOU to be the one to ask, she wants to be the one to receive. If she liked you, even a little bit, you asking would have made her happy. If she wasn't ready for it, you asking still would have pleased her.

 

It was the sex. Everything was fine until the sex. You had whiskey dick, couldn't perform. She doesn't want that.

[dobielover]

Thanks for your harsh, but honest words. I think I produced my own kiss of death, with the girlfriend thing. I did the woman's job, when I should have been doing the mans job and not looking beta. It started off well, I was being the man, in control and she loved it. But I got too comfortable, I acted like the job was done and as if we were in a relationship, I became weak and she sensed it.

 

Would you have said that Christmas/second message forced her hand, or could it have been saved with NC? I'm pretty sure the damage was already done when I acted weak and that sending that second message spared me a week of "wondering".

 

I hope she doesn't laugh about me behind my back, but she didn't seem the bitchy type, nor did her friends.. But then again I didn't know either of them properly and luckily there are millions of other girls.

 

My ego definitely sent the last message, but I figured that at the time, whether I sent it or not, the outcome was always the same, but I will use that advice on future girls and not reply back. It's all about composure.

 

What I've learned is to not act weak, let the girl bring up the relationship. Act like I am in control and not succumbing to her commands like her saying I could leave when I should have said no! In fact, I'm 90% sure her actual words were "You can go if you want, you don't have to be nice", she definitely mentioned nice and I should have clocked that.

 

Basically I need to STOP acting the nice guy. Not sure about my sex technique but she seemed to like it, but then could have been an act. That will improve the more experience I get, it was my first time.

 

Keep following the guys advice in this thread, none of which have GFs, and you'll continue experiencing what you did with this girl.

 

You want to know what women want, you need to listen to women. Not men.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just be yourself, for heaven's sake. The right girl will appreciate that and not make you feel like you've done something wrong.

 

Look, if this had been a true match, you bringing up a relationship talk wouldn't have sent her running for the hills. She'd have been more open to that if you were really on the same page. You're so wrapped up in making sure you don't look "beta" and that the girl brings up the relationship status that you're forgetting the importance of good old compatibility.

 

You don't even have any idea if that's all there is to it. Maybe she's also been seeing someone else and decided to go that route. Perhaps she never felt as strongly in the first place. You're assuming it's something you did or didn't do without having any real idea about what's going through her mind.

[The Way I Am]

You're learning all the wrong lessons here.

 

It's not the woman's job to talk about relationships. The only relationships I've been in is when the guy has been the one to ask. The only times I've asked, it has been a disaster. I stupidly let myself be strung along for months by a guy who "wasn't sure". And even more stupidly considered someone my bf without asking because I didn't have the courage to ask only to have him laugh in my face 2 years later when I did ask if he saw me as his gf. Men aren't the only ones who get shot down when they ask that question, and men aren't the only ones who get hurt.

 

What could have saved you some heart ache is to be more up front about what you're looking for in the first place. Did you let her know a relationship is what you're after? Did she say that's what she was looking for?

 

After you sensed that she wasn't as interested in you, instead of backing off and accepting that, you kept pushing. I've made that same mistake. It's not something that just happens to men.

 

You asked the question too soon for this girl. That means she wasn't right for you. A month and 4 dates isn't necessarily too soon. Though maybe next time consider the situation. Right before sex might not be the best time to have that conversation.

[ramboparrot]

It was not, let me repeat, it was not that you asked her to be your GF, that caused this. No no no no no no no.

 

Asking for exclusivity or a relationship is NOT the "woman's job." The woman is not the chaser, the pursuer, in relationships or even biologically. The opposite is true. If a woman likes you, she WANTS YOU to be the one to ask, she wants to be the one to receive. If she liked you, even a little bit, you asking would have made her happy. If she wasn't ready for it, you asking still would have pleased her.

 

It was the sex. Everything was fine until the sex. You had whiskey dick, couldn't perform. She doesn't want that.

 

She seemed to like it but I guess it was because I didn't finish the job. It was my first time but guess she wanted experience. If someone is going to judge me solely based on the sex, that isn't what I want in a girl

[Natalie8]

Thanks for your harsh, but honest words. I think I produced my own kiss of death, with the girlfriend thing. I did the woman's job, when I should have been doing the mans job and not looking beta. It started off well, I was being the man, in control and she loved it. But I got too comfortable, I acted like the job was done and as if we were in a relationship, I became weak and she sensed

 

Im sorry but this is rubbish; your fears about being beta and doing a woman's job by asking about status.

Every time i initiated the relationship talk it ended badly. I genuinely think it is the guy who should seal the deal. There is another thread about this going actively right now. Have a look at it, i suggest.

If im into a guy i will be over the moon if he asked me to be his gf.

If im into a guy then him being too drunk to perform on the first night will be offputting but not a dealbreaker.

I dont think she liked you as much as you liked him but i dont think that any of the stuff you did or said were the reason for her decision to end things. It might have pusged her over the edge so to speak but she was already tethering there anyway.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Natalie8

[dobielover]

She seemed to like it but I guess it was because I didn't finish the job. It was my first time but guess she wanted experience. If someone is going to judge me solely based on the sex, that isn't what I want in a girl

 

Sex is a pretty important aspect of a relationship. It's something that should be judged.

 

Drunk sex for first sex, whiskey dick, isn't going to impress anyone.

 

Did you get her off?

[ramboparrot]

Sex is a pretty important aspect of a relationship. It's something that should be judged.

 

Drunk sex for first sex, whiskey dick, isn't going to impress anyone.

 

Did you get her off?

 

When we were having sex she got to the point of her wrapping her legs around me, making noises and saying things to me but she used a lot of lube so I wasn't really feeling anything myself, she seemed to though. I remember at the time thinking "is this it?" and it didn't help that her body weight around her stomach was a little overweight, which I couldn't really tell with her clothes on. That's not something I'd judge in a girl though if I found her attractive, which I did.

 

What I can take out of the sex is that I'm not a virgin anymore and I have a bit of experience that I can build upon. I'd have preferred to have built up more of a connection with her and waited for a potential relationship before doing it, might have made me feel it more. I felt like I rushed into it and I was not ready at the time, some days you feel horner than others but then again it was a chance of losing my virginity at the time.

Edited December 26, 2015 by ramboparrot

[lolablue17]

It's so funny how bad are some people on the matter of choosing their partners. People use ridiculous methods to filter a potential partner, even though it's the most important decision in life to find love and relationship.

 

One of the illnesses is "Fast judging". People rule out partners for reasons that sometimes has no effect at all on "How good will he\she be as partners". These days especially with all the dating apps who give you the (false) feeling that there's always something better around the corner.

[ramboparrot]

Thanks for ALL of your help, you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

Reflecting on the situation, I developed oneitis and put her on a pedestal. She wasn't all that. Her kissing was sloppier compared to other girls I've kissed, the sex got me thinking to myself at the time "is this it?", but I wasn't in the mood at the time, then again I don't think I'd have felt it even if I was. She was good looking but a lot better in the photos. Would call her an 8 in photos but 6.5-7 in person. I felt I couldn't flirt with her properly because she'd question what the words were and it would ruin the flow, so I'd have to be cautious and more receptive to this I was to date a foreign girl again.

 

I really think I got caught in the charm that she was Spanish, which I found appealing. It also didn't help that I was spinning one plate and hadn't dated for a while, my attention was purely on her when I should have been seeing multiple girls. Honestly if she was just English with an English accent, I think it would have been me giving that "we shouldn't see each other speech".

[The Way I Am]

However I will leave this to the girl and if she asks me what I want from the relationship, well I will reverse it on her.

 

What do you mean you'll reverse it on her?

 

If you're going to leave the relationship talk to the girl, you should be aware that you might miss out on someone who's been told that she should leave the relationship talk to the guy so she doesn't scare him off.

 

I've heard that way more than I've heard it the other way around.

[ramboparrot]

What do you mean you'll reverse it on her?

 

If you're going to leave the relationship talk to the girl, you should be aware that you might miss out on someone who's been told that she should leave the relationship talk to the guy so she doesn't scare him off.

 

I've heard that way more than I've heard it the other way around.

 

I mean if a girl says "where do you see us now?", I'd reverse it and say "where do YOU see us now?". So i'd follow the pace of the relationship she'd want.

[The Way I Am]

I mean if a girl says "where do you see us now?", I'd reverse it and say "where do YOU see us now?". So i'd follow the pace of the relationship she'd want.

 

NO! Ugh. Turn off.

 

There's nothing less attractive than asking a guy his opinion or what he wants and having him turn around and ask what I want then just agree to that.

 

If a girl has the courage to ask you, at least give some opinion of your own before asking her for hers. And if she wants more or less than you, don't be scared to let her know that.