shyguy3543 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 Hey guys, Here's a little background story. Back in the summer, I had a fling with a girl from my school. We really liked each other and said we wanted to pursue something real together. We got to the point where we wound up having sex and within a few days, she had blocked me for a couple of days from all sorts of social media and claimed it was her ex who did it. It happened again a few weeks later. Then she wound up getting back into a relationship with her ex and I was blocked completely again for almost 2 months. She randomly texted me one day, shortly before breaking up with him, to apologize. I wound up accepting the apology. She asked me if things hadn't happened the way they did, would I still be interested in dating. I told her I put a lot of time into dropping the feelings i had for her, so if she were to come back into my life, we'd only be friends. Welllll, fast forward another month and just a couple of days before she finally broke up with him (again), and we had met up to study in the library. We then went to grab some coffee. She randomly hugged me and she said "don't look at me or I'm going to kiss you." I was like "what?" and looked down at her and she wound up kissing me. Then we wound up kissing again about a week later, after she had broken up with her ex. And well, after her telling me that she really liked me and I had really left an impression on her and that I'm a "breath of fresh air" compared to the average guy, here we are. I've told her I can't rush into a relationship with her because of our past and our future, but we're "exclusive cuddle buddies" and she's telling me all about how she'd love to be in a relationship with me and how she can really see us working well together and asking me if I feel the same. The problem is... I've been enjoying it enough to go with the flow, kiss her a bunch, hold her hand in public, put my arm around her around classmates, but not enough to forget the past or how she treated her ex during the first AND second break up processes. In the past she's told me how she doesn't "do feelings" and I remember thinking to myself during the summer how this girl could destroy me emotionally if I let myself really get invested in her because she honestly didn't seem to care at all about how her ex felt during the breakup process and I'm a relatively sensitive guy. I don't want to lead her on, but jeez, just today I told her I wanna cuddle up again and stuff. Yesterday we almost had sex but I wound up stopping things before they got to that point. I have told her I don't want to have sex because if things don't work out the way we think they could, I don't want her to feel as if I was using her for it. I went out for lunch with my mom today for xmas eve and was talking about her and how I felt unsure about it. The fact that I feel uncomfortable enough about all of this to talk to my mom about it should be pretty much compounding the fact that I'll probably never get to the point where I can see myself in an actual relationship with this girl haha. I don't think I've ever told my mom anything like that! hahaha But this is the way I'm looking at it. She's hurt me before, she's hurt her ex twice and told me all about how she didn't care about how he felt about it, and here she is willing to have sex with me just 2 weeks after they broke up. If I were in his position, I'd be an absolute mess. I don't think I can completely give her my heart without worrying about her breaking it (as corny as that sounds). I've been thinking so much about it over the past week. I think I'd be paranoid about other guys if we were in a relationship. But how can I put a stop to things nice and gently? Especially now that I've been going with the flow of things and probably leading her to believe that I'm opening up to the idea of a relationship? I'd like to keep a friendship if it's possible, but eh, who knows if that'll be the case haha. PS. This morning, I almost invited her to join my family and I for xmas. I'm SO glad I had the day off of work to slow down and think things over rather than going ahead and doing that. eek.
salparadise Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 (edited) You'd better put some distance between the two of you then. You're using her to meet your needs for affection, attention, companionship, etc. even if you aren't having sex (yet). It's just a matter of time if you keep up the cuddling and so forth, and then... boom, she'll have her hooks in. The other factors are, a) she has an anxious attachment style, so she's not going to take to being held at arm's length. That's not good for you either, so quit thinking it's a rational compromise. b) This is not going to be a friendship- she is probably going to be pissed when you reject her, and you know how she behaves when upset. There's a good chance that she'll bang your friends and slander you on social media, so be prepared. Sometimes you have to let your brain overrule your heart and ego. You realize this but have chosen to try to make a compromise work. It won't. Distance. Edited December 25, 2015 by salparadise
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 What does "exclusive cuddle buddy" even mean? I don't understand that. I think you'd be wise to stay away from her. She will probably pull this hot-cold crap again, and she's already shown you she's not very mature about relationships. She didn't have enough respect to tell you she was talking to her ex again, so she just blocked you everywhere. (I can virtually promise that was her, not her ex) that should tell you a lot about her judgement and immaturity. Notice you were Plan B here? Her ex was her first choice but that didn't pan out so she came running back to you. She plays games. Play along at your own risk. There are plenty of other girls who would like you enough not to fiddle around with your feelings like that. 2
Glitters Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 What does "exclusive cuddle buddy" even mean? I don't understand that. Exactly !
sin miedo Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 There are plenty of other girls who would like you enough not to fiddle around with your feelings like that. Basically this. OP, even though you two are not dating, I would not recommend ghosting her in this situation. That will confuse her, make her think that you're playing hard-to-get, and cause her to become wayyy more interested in you. You need to put this one down, asap. Explain to her that you're not in a position right now to be in a relationship. Hopefully she'll get the point and move on (but don't count on it; she sounds crazy).
Author shyguy3543 Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 (edited) currently in a text convo about the situation with her. It started when she asked if she could be my new year's kiss and I said that feels too couple-like. Oh god... trying to make things work smoothly, but not looking great so far. Wish me luck. I'll report back with how this convo ends. Edited December 26, 2015 by shyguy3543 1
Author shyguy3543 Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 Eek... so it's done. I think it is, at least. It went from her saying "I just wish you were here right now so I could yell at you" and "I hate you so badly right now" and "I don't think I can talk to you anymore" to "can we still hang out on Wednesday? I understand we're just friends, but it's okay with me if it's okay with you." She blamed me at one point and said "I don't know why you started this that night at dinner and put me through this." I reminded her that this was started by her when she kissed me and that's when she changed her tune. Well, if we do hang out on Wednesday and I end up getting kidnapped, at least you guys know why! hahaha. Ugh. Hopefully we CAN just be friends.
IronZ Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 She broke up with her ex 4-5 times within a couple months? All while sleeping with you or laying out her feelings for you? And also very easily cut you out of her life at any given notice? Nothing stable about her. Whatever this cuddle buddy nonsense is, she'll throw you under the bus the second a better option comes along.
Author shyguy3543 Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 (edited) She broke up with her ex 4-5 times within a couple months? All while sleeping with you or laying out her feelings for you? And also very easily cut you out of her life at any given notice? Nothing stable about her. Whatever this cuddle buddy nonsense is, she'll throw you under the bus the second a better option comes along. Yeah, basically. And that's exactly why I couldn't get myself to trust her. I know she'd destroy me emotionally and not think twice about it. She's a younger girl. She's 21 and I'm 27. I don't think she's mature enough yet even though she was saying all sorts of stuff about wanting to settle down young and find the right guy and all. I'm pretty sure I dodged a bullet by getting out now. Edited December 26, 2015 by shyguy3543
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Yeah, basically. And that's exactly why I couldn't get myself to trust her. I know she'd destroy me emotionally and not think twice about it. She's a younger girl. She's 21 and I'm 27. I don't think she's mature enough yet even though she was saying all sorts of stuff about wanting to settle down young and find the right guy and all. I'm pretty sure I dodged a bullet by getting out now. Dude, you're far too old for this. Honestly, when you said you were "exclusive cuddle buddies" I imagined you guys were in high school. But you're in your late 20s... Is this the kind of arragement you'd imagined for yourself at nearly 30? Don't waste your time with her. She is a hot mess. Notice how she tried to make you feel bad? She's immature, even for 21. She speaks and behaves as though she's 16. She is not ready to settle down, not by a long shot! Don't bother trying to be friends with her. What is the point? You'll be wasting energy when you could be directing it towards women who actually respect you and behave like adults.
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