What would you do

[Whoknew30]

You cheated on your husband, did you use protection? I guess you will say you did because I can never prove you didn't. Come on girl get real, he's been banging her for 8 years, do you really believe they used protection? Bottom line protection or not, his penis shouldn't have been in her vagina even once. Let's not make this all about what I said because all I can do is go by my experience and by what you always see posted and that is that they always lie about using protection. My ex also lied about using protection because she got pregnant and had O/M's child. Yes, I have DNA proof and the testing was done at the Children's Hospital by qualified professionals. Do you really want us to believe that in the hundreds and hundreds of times they may have had sex over the 8 years of their affair that they always used protection?

 

Unless you were in the room with them, you don't know. You can assume but you don't know. My A was long term & we didn't bang anywhere near hundreds of times, we hung out way more than we had sex. I slept with him 5 times. Our A wasn't based on sex. I know some are & im sure in those situations no one is thinking about protection. Yes, I did use protection & never performed oral sex on him either.

[carhill]

My Wh had an affair for over 8 years with a woman who was married. This was about ten years ago. I just found out. Would you tell her husband. I want to and then I say no - It had been so long ago. But I feel he should know- then I say - why ruin his life. I am very confused. I just cant decide.

When you state 'found out', what does that mean specifically? Is that information verifiable independently? As often is shared in this forum, waywards lie. Well, people in general lie, maybe not all the time but when it suits their purposes. Hence, with something as important as this issue, verification from unbiased sources is paramount.

 

I'm asking this because I see no statements about your husband telling you he had an eight year affair which ended ten years ago. Life experience tells me he likely didn't tell you and you found out by other means, hence the prior. Trust, but verify.

 

I wouldn't tell anyone, rather would send verifiable evidence to the affected parties. Both of them, meaning the husband and wife, separately. That way everyone is disclosed.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Someone said this last to me about my WH, implying that I'm lucky he actually told me about all his affairs because most men would take [this history] to their graves with them.

 

All the family members who knew about my sister-in-law's affair with my husband agreed not to tell my brother because of his pitiable state as a quadriplegic on a feeding tube barely able to speak, following a stroke. I HATED this decision, watching how easily their two sons, my husband and his wife acted and pretended in front of my brother. I realized the two APs had been doing it to him the whole time. I hated our modeling this behavior for the young people. I hated lying to my brother. But his life was so tragic already and there was nothing we could do about it, I still agree it was the only thing to do. What shred of hope and happiness my brother had would have been destroyed by the truth, and he was already completely impotent and helpless to do anything about it except suffer more.

 

My opinion now? It should never be easy to lie to those who trust you and are most vulnerable to you. Once lying becomes easy and the other suspicious, trust and all their other great things about love and vulnerability are gone. In a marriage, there are bigger and bigger chunks of one's thoughts and experiences closed off to the partner, and intimacy, trust, vulnerability are eroded away.

 

My dearest mermaid....your story always brings tears to my eyes....

 

You did what you had to do....and it was the right thing....

 

I am a believer in truth....and I have been as honest with my husband as i can....but that is between my husband and i. Our honesty with each other...even though we both lied to each other during our affairs....is important to our healing. But it is strictly our decision....and it only involves us.

 

The problem with telling "others" in my mind is that we are making choices and decisions for people we do not know....the only thing shared is a spouse....the only thing we know about the obs...is what the ap has shared with us.

 

Honesty and truth is extremely important in reconciliation....in MY reconciliation.....and my reconciliation is with my husband. Not family members...not AP's....not AP's spouses. US.......

 

If we go back to the original post on this thread....the op says nothing about her reaction to the affair....she tells us nothing about her feelings, her fears, her choices, her decisions.......her only concern...should i tell the AP's spouse.

 

I dont know about you...but that would not be my first concern. She has a whole lot of "other" stuff she needs to be thinking about right now.....and the AP's spouse is way down on that list.

[OldRover]

I have a story to share that me help you to further understand...

 

Many years ago....a man I know very well....was in a relationship with a young lady. He had an ex girlfriend that he had a child with. One day...when he went to pick up the child....he had sex with the ex (who was also involved with another man).

 

Several months later...it was disclosed that the ex was pregnant...and of course no one knew about the sexual encounter except the two of them involved.

 

the man was extremely remorseful....and shared his story with me. I listened....and when he had told his story...I asked him what he was going to do. As he poured out his heart to me....i could see how torn he was...because he truly loved his young lady. He said he was not going to tell her. I said...but what if the child is yours? He seemed fairly confident it wasn't....(wishful thinking I am sure).

 

the child was born.....and it looked nothing like the child he shared with the ex......it looked just like the man she was involved with. They married.

 

and so did the man and his young lady.

 

To my knowledge...it has never been disclosed or discussed.

 

At this point....what if the ex told her now husband and he decided to tell the young mans now wife. What possible good could come of disclosure. It could destroy so many lives....and for what? The man and his wife have a child and they are very happy. The ex and her husband have 2 children together. (they look alike by the way...no tests have been done to my knowledge and at this point....I do not think the child's paternity matters to anyone)

 

Now one could argue that the "wife" of the young man has a right to know the "truth"....but i know this young lady....and I don't think she would want to know...I of course cannot be sure...but I also would never tell her.

 

I also do not think the ex ever shared the "truth".

 

My point is this....for the sake of "truth" for the sake of what others may believe to be "right"...should all of these lives be torn apart? Not only those directly involved...but for extended families as well.

 

The answer for me is no. I will go to my grave with the secret before i ever hurt all of these people for the sake of "truth". This is my decision...whether it is right or wrong....does not matter to me.

 

Good points, but there's another side of the story. What if the child is found out to be the Ex man's through some testing or emergency that was not predicted? How do you think people would feel then.

 

The mom can have the test done, on her own, and then know for SURE and put that to rest, and then decide on how to deal with the truth.

 

Personally, I'd NOT like to find out by accident. Would be devastating.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and you are absolutely right....however....if it were to be disclosed in this manner...of an emergency...it is still not my place to intrude.....and if the mother decides to have the child tested and keep it a secret....that too is none of my business....i will still keep the secret.

 

We can 'what if' and change scenarios until doomsday......it will not change my mind.

Edited December 25, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[kgcolonel]

I would not want to know if the situation was reversed...and i would not tell the other spouse. I am not saying it is right or wrong....I am saying how i feel.

 

I would tend to agree with MJA...assuming that I would not get this information from anyone else. If there was a chance that someone else would inform me, I'd rather hear it from the WW as opposed to being surprised by a third party.

[road]

Unless someone posts that specifically, it's speculation & assumption...not fact.

 

 

It is fact because this fact has been posted more times then I can remember that protection is not used in many affairs. Hence the STD's and OC's/other children born.

[Whoknew30]

It is fact because this fact has been posted more times then I can remember that protection is not used in many affairs. Hence the STD's and OC's/other children born.

 

In THOSE situations! You don't know everyone to say it's fact. When you meet & talk to the billions of people that have cheated in the world & they all tell you the same thing (which BTW is impossible) then it'd be fact. As of right now, it's opinion & that's a fact.

[MJJean]

Recent UofM study suggests that cheating spouses are 27% less likely to use condoms during vaginal sex and 35% less likely to use condoms during anal sex than the single population. So, yes, apparently it's not uncommon for cheating spouses to forego protection. STD testing is a must.

[Whoknew30]

Recent UofM study suggests that cheating spouses are 27% less likely to use condoms during vaginal sex and 35% less likely to use condoms during anal sex than the single population. So, yes, apparently it's not uncommon for cheating spouses to forego protection. STD testing is a must.

 

No one said it's uncommon but it's not fact for everyone.

[OldRover]

and you are absolutely right....however....if it were to be disclosed in this manner...of an emergency...it is still not my place to intrude.....and if the mother decides to have the child tested and keep it a secret....that too is none of my business....i will still keep the secret.

 

We can 'what if' and change scenarios until doomsday......it will not change my mind.

 

Mrs. Adams,

 

Don't get me wrong, I respect your decision, and that's fine. It wouldn't be my choice if I were the OW, OM or their spouse. I prefer the truth, even it it hurts a bit now but would rather avoid a huge hurt later.

 

Sure, there's probably situations that best remain silent. If the OW found the baby was her husbands, I could argue to stay quiet.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and i respect yours....

 

in this case...it really isn't my call....one way or the other. I just used this story as an example of whether or not the other spouse should be told....the topic is not really about paternity....just like it isn't about condoms.

 

It is about whether or not the op should disclose her husbands affair with his OW's spouse.... and that my friend is the only detail we have....an affair that lasted 8 years disclosed 10 years later....should she tell the other woman's husband.

 

I for the life of me can't get it in my head that his is her first thought....

[oldshirt]

My Wh had an affair for over 8 years with a woman who was married. This was about ten years ago. I just found out. Would you tell her husband. I want to and then I say no - It had been so long ago. But I feel he should know- then I say - why ruin his life. I am very confused. I just cant decide.

 

If your H and the OW are still in contact, then yes you need to disclose the A as an important part of the process for ending the A.

 

 

If they are no longer in any contact whatsoever and haven't been for a long time, then it will really do you no good or provide you or your situation any benefit.

[Horton]

People who make a big show of their supposed remorse and prattle on incessantly about how compassionate they are while endorsing keeping another human being in the dark about their own life, even so far as leaving them exposed to potentially receiving STDs and in the case of a BH, the ever present possibility of said BH unknowingly raising another man's child have got to be the biggest bunch of bullsh*tters I've seen in a good while.

 

OP, there are some people who are utterly indifferent to the suffering of their fellow man and yet they feel a strange desire to mask their lack of empathy with long winded dissertations and "what if" scenarios that are designed to play on people's fear of the unknown and retaliation in order to coach them into washing their hands of the situation and leaving the status quo to reign supreme. In short, don't be one of THOSE people OP.

[merrmeade]

and i respect yours....

 

in this case...it really isn't my call....one way or the other. I just used this story as an example of whether or not the other spouse should be told....the topic is not really about paternity....just like it isn't about condoms.

 

It is about whether or not the op should disclose her husbands affair with his OW's spouse.... and that my friend is the only detail we have....an affair that lasted 8 years disclosed 10 years later....should she tell the other woman's husband.

 

I for the life of me can't get it in my head that his is her first thought....

But you DID judge it - even said you knew it's what she would have wanted:

....but i know this young lady....and I don't think she would want to know...I of course cannot be sure...but I also would never tell her.

There are lots of reasons for not telling but claiming to know what someone else would want, would not be one of mine.

 

We didn't tell my brother and it was hard, painful for me. Not the least reason being that it didn't seem nearly hard enough for anyone else. And I still cannot say it's what he would have wanted. My brother.

[road]

But you DID judge it - even said you knew it's what she would have wanted: There are lots of reasons for not telling but claiming to know what someone else would want, would not be one of mine.

 

We didn't tell my brother and it was hard, painful for me. Not the least reason being that it didn't seem nearly hard enough for anyone else. And I still cannot say it's what he would have wanted. My brother.

 

 

 

 

That is a tough decision. Your brother's health had him in a position to not be able to do much with the truth. Also it appeared to you that his days were numbered and he never was leaving the health care place and going back to his house.

[Mrs. John Adams]

But you DID judge it - even said you knew it's what she would have wanted: There are lots of reasons for not telling but claiming to know what someone else would want, would not be one of mine.

 

We didn't tell my brother and it was hard, painful for me. Not the least reason being that it didn't seem nearly hard enough for anyone else. And I still cannot say it's what he would have wanted. My brother.

 

 

I judged it for me....i judged it according to what i think...according to the information i have...based on my perceptions. So yes you are right...I judged it....and I did the right thing according to my own conscience...and at the end of the day....that's who i go to bed with.

 

in this story....I am assuming no one has told anyone else...but as long as those two people involved know....there is a chance they told someone else....even their spouses....I don't know if they did or not....but there is that chance.

 

I am not directly involved in this situation....and honestly....it is none of my business. I was told in confidence....and i gave my word to keep my mouth shut.....and that is what i have done.

 

In your case....the secret involved you.

 

You had to weigh the facts......your brother was very sick...and his time on earth was short. Would knowing that his wife was a cheater have enhanced his life in any way? Would having that information have made him happier?

On the other hand....by not telling him....did withholding the information hurt him in any way?

 

It certainly is not an easy decision to make....and we can only do what we think it best for those involved.

 

You did what you thought was best at the time....I did what i thought was best at the time. and at the end of the day....that's all we can do....and it doesn't matter if others think we were right or we were wrong.

[understand50]

My Wh had an affair for over 8 years with a woman who was married. This was about ten years ago. I just found out. Would you tell her husband. I want to and then I say no - It had been so long ago. But I feel he should know- then I say - why ruin his life. I am very confused. I just cant decide.

 

newuser62,

 

In getting back to your question, I think that it comes down to two questions you should ask yourself.

 

One: Does telling the truth to the other betrayed spouse, help or hurt you? What I mean, if you have decided to reconcile, does this help or hurt that effort? This is something you need to weigh. What do you want, and does it help bring you some peace of mind? Could it drive your husband away? Again, what would be the outcome, and will it help or hurt you? If you have decide to divorce over this, that same questions apply, but the answers may be different.

 

Two: Does telling the other betrayed spouse just add to the hurt and pain but does not gain anything for anyone? I think when we have these decisions, we must go past our self and see if, and what the hurt, will be for others. Are there kids that may end up with out a family? Would this just inflect unnecessary pain? I would give merrmeade's, example with her brother. No good could have come out of him being told.

 

Your case and what you want is yours alone. I hope the two questions I have posed, may help you to your final decision.

 

As for myself, I would want to know if my wife has been unfaithful. If it came from another betrayed spouse or her AP, I would want to know.

 

I wish you luck..................

[JamesM]

Just a comment....

 

The OP asked: What would YOU want? So really there is no need to argue with someone if you disagree with what they do. I think this is simply about getting different viewpoints.

 

I know my initial thought was: I would not want to know.

 

But then I thought of how I discovered that my wife lied about something for almost two years. During that time, I knew something wasn't quite right. Yet I gave her the benefit of doubt. When I found enough evidence that confirmed the lie, it was almost a relief even though it was still a betrayal.

 

I now know that I would want to know and be given evidence.

 

So as I said before, telling him may give him answers to those gut feelings he has been ignoring. And if the affair was for EIGHT year more than ten years ago, then she most likely has had another BF during that ten year period too.

 

I now know that if I discovered an affair between two people, then I would be inclined to tell the spouses. But having said that, I would only do it if I had proof that it was real.

[No Limit]

I would always want to know. And OP, you should really inform the husband - 8 years is a long time. Chances are he's raising the children of other men.

[William]

Folks, this new member posted up a quite provocative question, logged out a couple minutes later and hasn't been back since Christmas Eve. I'm going to thank everyone for their perspective and call this one done.