What would you do

December 25, 2015

My Wh had an affair for over 8 years with a woman who was married. This was about ten years ago. I just found out. Would you tell her husband. I want to and then I say no - It had been so long ago. But I feel he should know- then I say - why ruin his life. I am very confused. I just cant decide.

December 25, 2015

0P Ask yourself this, wouldn't you want to know.? I think so. I would definitely tell her husband.

December 25, 2015

I would not want to know if the situation was reversed...and i would not tell the other spouse. I am not saying it is right or wrong....I am saying how i feel.

December 25, 2015

As her husband, I would want to know. Your husband may not have been the only one, and she may be with someone else now. Also, her husband may have suspected something and always wondered. This could confirm that he was not "stupid" about what he thought.

December 25, 2015

I would not want to know if the situation was reversed...and i would not tell the other spouse. I am not saying it is right or wrong....I am saying how i feel.

Mrs JA, would you kind expanding on this? I honestly don't really seem to comprehend the concept of not wanting to know. I thought perhaps you and I could discuss in an analytical/non-judgmental way.

Do you think your desire to not want to know stems from the fact that you had an affair first (and thus somehow caused this chain of events)? Would you not want to fix your marriage? Would you not want to use the info to somehow improve the situation?

December 25, 2015

All BS's deserve the truth.

Time matter? No for there is no statute of limitations.

This BH kids may not be his. This affair lasted 8 years.

December 25, 2015

I wouldn't want to know either, especially if it's over.

December 25, 2015

I would want to know, but everyone is different and there's no way of knowing in advance how a specific person will react to a specific situation.

December 25, 2015

The truth always matters.

December 25, 2015

I would want to know. Likely, the wife was acting very weird, gaslighting her husband and he probably thought he was crazy... when a spouse has a huge secret like this from the other there is really no chance at real intimacy. Also, it takes the decision away from the BS. I don't think HOW the BS learns about the affair is important (although confession is probably the BEST outcome) but I am morally opposed to not letting someone know their house is being robbed, even if it's by their own spouse.

hubby and I told all three BS of our AP's. We were thanked by all of them.

Edited December 25, 2015 by katielee

December 25, 2015

Mrs JA, would you kind expanding on this? I honestly don't really seem to comprehend the concept of not wanting to know. I thought perhaps you and I could discuss in an analytical/non-judgmental way.

Do you think your desire to not want to know stems from the fact that you had an affair first (and thus somehow caused this chain of events)? Would you not want to fix your marriage? Would you not want to use the info to somehow improve the situation?

Good morning BH...and Happy Christmas....The house is quiet for now...so I will answer this.

Please keep in mind...this is MY opinion...and I am not saying what I think it the right answer for anyone else...and it is purely speculation.

If my husband had an affair....with a woman that was married....and he came to me after the affair was over and confessed. Then in my mind....it is over. There would be absolutely no reason for me to confront his AP. NONE.

If in the same scenario....her husband came to me to "tattle" on my husband...it would anger me. First...because I can think of no reason why he should tell me....and second he most likely is telling me because he is being vindictive.

So...I would rather he just left me alone...and let my husband and i work on our issues and he and his wife work on theirs.

MY husband and i both had an affair...mine was first...very brief and i confessed. His was 18 months later and did not include intercourse...and he also confessed. Both AP's were single.

I am a very positive person...I am very compassionate and tender hearted. I do not enjoy hurting others even for my own benefit. I also hate confrontation.

This subject has been discussed quite a bit lately....and argued almost unbearably....because each person must decide what is right in their own situation. There is no right or wrong answer.

My husband has told me that had my AP been married... he probably would "tell" the om's wife.....but only to be hurtful....to pay back the om.

I am not wired that way. Why hurt her? ...she did nothing.

As for the part i have bolded.....we did fix our marriage...i think 32 years of reconciliation could be called successful.

I know there are those who would want to be told....and i understand all the many reasons of why.....I am being honest when i tell you...I don't want to know. I have told John...if there is anything else...other affairs....or if indeed you did have have intercourse and you have lied all these years....whatever it is....at this point in our relationship...it would change nothing....so don't tell me. I don't want to know.

So if there is someone out there who knows something about my husband ....keep your mouth shut.

I don't believe I am alone in the way i feel...I am sure there are others who feel as i do. None of us is wrong...it is a personal choice.

I hope that answers your question BH.

December 25, 2015

I would want to know. Likely, the wife was acting very weird, gaslighting her husband and he probably thought he was crazy... when a spouse has a huge secret like this from the other there is really no chance at real intimacy. Also, it takes the decision away from the BS. I don't think HOW the BS learns about the affair is important (although confession is probably the BEST outcome) but I am morally opposed to not letting someone know their house is being robbed, even if it's by their own spouse.
hubby and I told all three BS of our AP's. We were thanked by all of them.

I would not have thanked you....I would have resented you and hated you. It may have been misplaced anger...but it would have been anger none the less. I would have questioned your motives...and i would never have trusted the information you shared.

December 25, 2015

The betrayal is still just as painful no matter when the betrayed spouse finds out about it. You can't pretend it didn't happen, you can't take it back and have a do over, he still needs to do the work and get the necessary professional help to make sure it never happens again. That is if you want the marriage to continue. A 8 year affair is no mistake it requires much planning to carry off that deep a deception, that's longer then many marriages. I take it you discovered his affair because you didn't say he confessed it to you. You now become their accomplice by withholding the information from the other betrayed spouse. You won't be ruining their life, they did that by having an affair, exposure is a consequence of being discovered.

The other betrayed spouse has the right to know, she may be in another affair, there could be questions about paternity, they may have a horrible relationship and this may be what he needs to hear to get rid of her once and for all. The truth will set everyone free. Again by telling the other betrayed spouse you won't be the one causing the damage, she did when she started having unprotected sex with your husband. Why should you be expected to compromise your ethics for their lack of them? Tell him, it is the right thing to do.

December 25, 2015

Good morning BH...and Happy Christmas....The house is quiet for now...so I will answer this.
Please keep in mind...this is MY opinion...and I am not saying what I think it the right answer for anyone else...and it is purely speculation.

If my husband had an affair....with a woman that was married....and he came to me after the affair was over and confessed. Then in my mind....it is over. There would be absolutely no reason for me to confront his AP. NONE.

If in the same scenario....her husband came to me to "tattle" on my husband...it would anger me. First...because I can think of no reason why he should tell me....and second he most likely is telling me because he is being vindictive.

So...I would rather he just left me alone...and let my husband and i work on our issues and he and his wife work on theirs.

MY husband and i both had an affair...mine was first...very brief and i confessed. His was 18 months later and did not include intercourse...and he also confessed. Both AP's were single.

I am a very positive person...I am very compassionate and tender hearted. I do not enjoy hurting others even for my own benefit. I also hate confrontation.

This subject has been discussed quite a bit lately....and argued almost unbearably....because each person must decide what is right in their own situation. There is no right or wrong answer.

My husband has told me that had my AP been married... he probably would "tell" the om's wife.....but only to be hurtful....to pay back the om.
I am not wired that way. Why hurt her? ...she did nothing.

As for the part i have bolded.....we did fix our marriage...i think 32 years of reconciliation could be called successful.

I know there are those who would want to be told....and i understand all the many reasons of why.....I am being honest when i tell you...I don't want to know. I have told John...if there is anything else...other affairs....or if indeed you did have have intercourse and you have lied all these years....whatever it is....at this point in our relationship...it would change nothing....so don't tell me. I don't want to know.

So if there is someone out there who knows something about my husband ....keep your mouth shut.

I don't believe I am alone in the way i feel...I am sure there are others who feel as i do. None of us is wrong...it is a personal choice.

I hope that answers your question BH.

Merry Christmas to you as well.

I appreciate your response; thanks for sharing it.

I agree that there has been significant debate on this as of late. And this isn't nearly my first time around. I have no desire to argue, particularly with you. Thanks for satisfying my curiosity. Hope you enjoy the rest of your day.

December 25, 2015

I'm totally in the camp of tell the truth, and tell the OM about his WW. However, he may take it in different ways. He could hate you or be grateful. He may not believe you (and there could be an argument for proof, it the WW doesn't admit guilt).

And it's the only way one can fix a marriage, is with the truth.

December 25, 2015

The betrayal is still just as painful no matter when the betrayed spouse finds out about it. You can't pretend it didn't happen, you can't take it back and have a do over, he still needs to do the work and get the necessary professional help to make sure it never happens again. That is if you want the marriage to continue. A 8 year affair is no mistake it requires much planning to carry off that deep a deception, that's longer then many marriages. I take it you discovered his affair because you didn't say he confessed it to you. You now become their accomplice by withholding the information from the other betrayed spouse. You won't be ruining their life, they did that by having an affair, exposure is a consequence of being discovered.

The other betrayed spouse has the right to know, she may be in another affair, there could be questions about paternity, they may have a horrible relationship and this may be what he needs to hear to get rid of her once and for all. The truth will set everyone free. Again by telling the other betrayed spouse you won't be the one causing the damage, she did when she started having unprotected sex with your husband. Why should you be expected to compromise your ethics for their lack of them? Tell him, it is the right thing to do.

No where in her thread did she say anything about unprotected sex, that's pure assumption. She asked if she should tell, now you're telling her what OBS should do. I'm sorry but I don't see how anyone can speak for someone that you don't know. Maybe the other marriage is fine. It's irionic to me how other's think they know what's right for someone else. You could say, I'd like to know as a BS but to speak for someone you don't know seems to be the theme on here sometimes & I just don't understand that.

December 25, 2015

The person who decides one day to come and hit me with the truth - He never does it because he cares about me. It is always his interests, not mine, so I wouldn't count on him to actually trying to see if it's good for me or not. In that case I don't want anyone to have the power to ruin\building my life by telling me. No thanks. I can manage without help.

Unless he is a good friend of mine who cares about me, and he is doing it for me, not for himself, after giving it a lot of thinking.

Edited December 25, 2015 by lolablue17

December 25, 2015

No where in her thread did she say anything about unprotected sex, that's pure assumption. She asked if she should tell, now you're telling her what OBS should do. I'm sorry but I don't see how anyone can speak for someone that you don't know. Maybe the other marriage is fine. It's irionic to me how other's think they know what's right for someone else. You could say, I'd like to know as a BS but to speak for someone you don't know seems to be the theme on here sometimes & I just don't understand that.

Anyone with years of infidelity forums has found out the most times the sex was unprotected.

December 25, 2015

I have a story to share that me help you to further understand...

Many years ago....a man I know very well....was in a relationship with a young lady. He had an ex girlfriend that he had a child with. One day...when he went to pick up the child....he had sex with the ex (who was also involved with another man).

Several months later...it was disclosed that the ex was pregnant...and of course no one knew about the sexual encounter except the two of them involved.

the man was extremely remorseful....and shared his story with me. I listened....and when he had told his story...I asked him what he was going to do. As he poured out his heart to me....i could see how torn he was...because he truly loved his young lady. He said he was not going to tell her. I said...but what if the child is yours? He seemed fairly confident it wasn't....(wishful thinking I am sure).

the child was born.....and it looked nothing like the child he shared with the ex......it looked just like the man she was involved with. They married.

and so did the man and his young lady.

To my knowledge...it has never been disclosed or discussed.

At this point....what if the ex told her now husband and he decided to tell the young mans now wife. What possible good could come of disclosure. It could destroy so many lives....and for what? The man and his wife have a child and they are very happy. The ex and her husband have 2 children together. (they look alike by the way...no tests have been done to my knowledge and at this point....I do not think the child's paternity matters to anyone)

Now one could argue that the "wife" of the young man has a right to know the "truth"....but i know this young lady....and I don't think she would want to know...I of course cannot be sure...but I also would never tell her.

I also do not think the ex ever shared the "truth".

My point is this....for the sake of "truth" for the sake of what others may believe to be "right"...should all of these lives be torn apart? Not only those directly involved...but for extended families as well.

The answer for me is no. I will go to my grave with the secret before i ever hurt all of these people for the sake of "truth". This is my decision...whether it is right or wrong....does not matter to me.

December 25, 2015

Anyone with years of infidelity forums has found out the most times the sex was unprotected.

Unless someone posts that specifically, it's speculation & assumption...not fact.

December 25, 2015

I have a story to share that me help you to further understand...

Many years ago....a man I know very well....was in a relationship with a young lady. He had an ex girlfriend that he had a child with. One day...when he went to pick up the child....he had sex with the ex (who was also involved with another man).

Several months later...it was disclosed that the ex was pregnant...and of course no one knew about the sexual encounter except the two of them involved.

the man was extremely remorseful....and shared his story with me. I listened....and when he had told his story...I asked him what he was going to do. As he poured out his heart to me....i could see how torn he was...because he truly loved his young lady. He said he was not going to tell her. I said...but what if the child is yours? He seemed fairly confident it wasn't....(wishful thinking I am sure).

the child was born.....and it looked nothing like the child he shared with the ex......it looked just like the man she was involved with. They married.

and so did the man and his young lady.

To my knowledge...it has never been disclosed or discussed.

At this point....what if the ex told her now husband and he decided to tell the young mans now wife. What possible good could come of disclosure. It could destroy so many lives....and for what? The man and his wife have a child and they are very happy. The ex and her husband have 2 children together. (they look alike by the way...no tests have been done to my knowledge and at this point....I do not think the child's paternity matters to anyone)

Now one could argue that the "wife" of the young man has a right to know the "truth"....but i know this young lady....and I don't think she would want to know...I of course cannot be sure...but I also would never tell her.

I also do not think the ex ever shared the "truth".

My point is this....for the sake of "truth" for the sake of what others may believe to be "right"...should all of these lives be torn apart? Not only those directly involved...but for extended families as well.

The answer for me is no. I will go to my grave with the secret before i ever hurt all of these people for the sake of "truth". This is my decision...whether it is right or wrong....does not matter to me.

I know a man that had a child he was taking care of that he knew as his own. After breaking up with his GF, his sister pressured him into getting a DNA test, the child ended not being his, he still took care of the kid & loved him. After he passed, his sister told me that she wished she could go back & have stayed out of it of bc of the devastation it caused, even though she thought it was the "right" thing at the time.

We never know what's "right" for another.

Also...Merry Christmas Mrs. Adams!

December 25, 2015

and that is the chance we take when we decide to disclose....there is no easy answer....only the answer that we feel we can live with.

and Merry Christmas to you sweetheart! have a blessed day!

December 25, 2015

the child was born.....and it looked nothing like the child he shared with the ex......it looked just like the man she was involved with. They married.

and so did the man and his young lady.

To my knowledge...it has never been disclosed or discussed.

At this point....what if the ex told her now husband and he decided to tell the young mans now wife. What possible good could come of disclosure. It could destroy so many lives....and for what? The man and his wife have a child and they are very happy. The ex and her husband have 2 children together. (they look alike by the way...no tests have been done to my knowledge and at this point....I do not think the child's paternity matters to anyone)

Now one could argue that the "wife" of the young man has a right to know the "truth"....but i know this young lady....and I don't think she would want to know...I of course cannot be sure...but I also would never tell her.

I also do not think the ex ever shared the "truth".

My point is this....for the sake of "truth" for the sake of what others may believe to be "right"...should all of these lives be torn apart? Not only those directly involved...but for extended families as well.

The answer for me is no. I will go to my grave with the secret before i ever hurt all of these people for the sake of "truth". This is my decision...whether it is right or wrong....does not matter to me.

Someone said this last to me about my WH, implying that I'm lucky he actually told me about all his affairs because most men would take [this history] to their graves with them.

All the family members who knew about my sister-in-law's affair with my husband agreed not to tell my brother because of his pitiable state as a quadriplegic on a feeding tube barely able to speak, following a stroke. I HATED this decision, watching how easily their two sons, my husband and his wife acted and pretended in front of my brother. I realized the two APs had been doing it to him the whole time. I hated our modeling this behavior for the young people. I hated lying to my brother. But his life was so tragic already and there was nothing we could do about it, I still agree it was the only thing to do. What shred of hope and happiness my brother had would have been destroyed by the truth, and he was already completely impotent and helpless to do anything about it except suffer more.

My opinion now? It should never be easy to lie to those who trust you and are most vulnerable to you. Once lying becomes easy and the other suspicious, trust and all their other great things about love and vulnerability are gone. In a marriage, there are bigger and bigger chunks of one's thoughts and experiences closed off to the partner, and intimacy, trust, vulnerability are eroded away.

December 25, 2015

No where in her thread did she say anything about unprotected sex, that's pure assumption. She asked if she should tell, now you're telling her what OBS should do. I'm sorry but I don't see how anyone can speak for someone that you don't know. Maybe the other marriage is fine. It's irionic to me how other's think they know what's right for someone else. You could say, I'd like to know as a BS but to speak for someone you don't know seems to be the theme on here sometimes & I just don't understand that.

You cheated on your husband, did you use protection? I guess you will say you did because I can never prove you didn't. Come on girl get real, he's been banging her for 8 years, do you really believe they used protection? Bottom line protection or not, his penis shouldn't have been in her vagina even once. Let's not make this all about what I said because all I can do is go by my experience and by what you always see posted and that is that they always lie about using protection. My ex also lied about using protection because she got pregnant and had O/M's child. Yes, I have DNA proof and the testing was done at the Children's Hospital by qualified professionals. Do you really want us to believe that in the hundreds and hundreds of times they may have had sex over the 8 years of their affair that they always used protection?

December 25, 2015

I was told on two different occasions that I had an std at the doctor's office. I was furious at THEM and asked if it wasn't possible to get them some other way. I remember they begrudgingly said it was, so that became my truth. I truly did not believe it was possible.

I should have known.

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