HelenaTroy Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 I met a guy on an OLD site about six weeks ago. We talked/texted for 2-3 weeks before our first date (mostly because he went on a 2-week vacation shortly after we started talking) and we've been dating in person for about 3 weeks now. Things seem to be going pretty well -- he initiates at least 2/3 of our conversations, plans great dates for us, is really affectionate, has introduced me to his friends, etc. A few times, while drinking, he has told me that he thinks about me all the time and wishes that we could talk/see each other more. (Due to differences in our life circumstances, my schedule is busier than his.) After a date last week, I told him that I was happy with the pace we were moving at, but that I'd be happy to make more time for him too. He said he would like that and since then I've made an effort to be more available via text/phone as well as for dates. A quick rundown of the last few days: Friday night: He texts me and says he misses me and can't wait to talk to me again. We ended up talking on the phone for 2 hours. Saturday night: Great date night with a group of his friends. He couldn't keep his hands off me. Sunday night: Sleepover at his house (not the first time). In the morning, I asked if he wanted to see me again that night, since he was leaving to go out of town for a week the next day. He said that he wasn't leaving until Wednesday after all and I agreed to play it by ear. Later on Monday he texted and asked if we could get together on Tuesday night instead, which I said was fine (and it was). Tuesday night: Standing date at our "usual" place. First thing I notice: he's in a novelty t-shirt, not in his "best date" clothes. Ok, fine. It's unseasonably warm and I'm wearing less make-up than I did on our previous dates -- we're just getting comfortable with each other! But then, he doesn't get up to greet me, as he's done on every other date. Hm. And he doesn't touch me even once the entire time we're there (even though I've told him that doing so drives me absolutely wild, in a good way!). Huh. Am I being friend-zoned? When we leave, he walks me to my car and we proceed to have a little make-out session in the parking lot. In between kisses he starts to tell me that I should text him, or call him, while he's out of town, and that he'll be back in time for NYE. I just nod and say "Mhmm," confused as all heck. I ask if he's tired and suggest that we continue the evening at his place, but he declines. I finally step back and ask him if everything is ok because I was getting a different vibe from him tonight than I normally do. He says that everything is fine and kisses me some more, I suppose to reassure me. I tell him we're good and we kiss a little more and then we go our separate ways. He usually sends me a text when he gets home from a date. That night he didn't. I didn't hear from him at all the next day either. Finally I broke down today and sent him a little feeler (a selfie with a quick note about what I was doing -- the kind of ice-breaker text that he usually sends to me). He wrote back a one-word response a few hours later. I feel like if I hold out another day, I might get another "I miss you" text. But dammit, I miss him now and want to talk to him if I can. Background: This is my first experience dating since my divorce. I am in my mid-30s and was married for 12 years (and with my ex for 14 years total). New guy is the same age as me and also divorced, though he was only married for a few years.
miafarrow Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 Hm... i don't want jump to conclusions, but I guess this guy does like you, but want you to put more effort on your phone. But since he is a GUY and you do put more effort he steps back more. Guys are strange sometimes too. Say one thing and when you do it, they are like confusing! I think you should let him breath for a couple of days and let him think about the situation. You asked him if he was ok? You told him you want to see him twice and made intiative like seeing later that days. I maybe wouldn't text at all first after all the vibes you get. I'd think a dude is like caving and needs space no matter if he says he want me to text more and be avaliable more, you played your part he said no to what he wanted, don't text. But hey, thats just me!
hippychick3 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 I wouldn't initiate any more texts or invitations to get together. Step back and wait for him to pursue again. You don't want to come across as chasing him or too clingy. He needs to continue to work for you to "earn" you, and now that you're getting attached you're making it too easy for him...which can lead to a decrease in attraction. Sit on your hands and wait!
Author HelenaTroy Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 (edited) I wouldn't initiate any more texts or invitations to get together. Step back and wait for him to pursue again. You don't want to come across as chasing him or too clingy. He needs to continue to work for you to "earn" you, and now that you're getting attached you're making it too easy for him...which can lead to a decrease in attraction. Sit on your hands and wait! Ugh, I hate this so much. Why is it that he gets to be honest about how he feels* and I have to sit on my hands or risk losing him? It feels very inauthentic to me. Surely there are men who don't do this? Maybe he just isn't the right guy for me. *Assuming he was being honest, or that he still feels that way. ETA: Not sure if it matters at this stage, but we both know that we will have a natural expiration date within the next year or two, because he will have to move for work and I'm not willing/able to leave the area due to my child. Could he be gun-shy about getting too close to me, given the circumstances? Edited December 25, 2015 by HelenaTroy
salparadise Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 He needs to continue to work for you to "earn" you, and now that you're getting attached you're making it too easy for him.. Pfffft. Where do women get this stuff? I think the guy is lukewarm. He's distancing, holding you at arm's length. It he were hot for you he wouldn't have turned you down for sex after the date. If you play it too cool he's probably going to fade... until he finds himself all horny some night, in which case he'll text for sex. If you pursue, probably the same outcome only you'll get more sex in the meantime.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 If he knows he'll have to leave in a year or so, he might not want anything serious in the meantime. I was in a similar position before I moved abroad - I was dating a guy but knew it's just be casual since I was preparing to leave. Could be the same case here. I wouldn't reach out again. He knows how to get in touch. I'm sure he will, but I think id be careful about investing in him. It's fun and light now but it will get more complicated when the time actually rolls around for him to move away.
Recommended Posts