A great guy with some major issues...is there hope for love and marriage?

[PrismOfLove]

Greetings Loveshack, I am daily reader of this forum although I don't post much, and am creating this thread today to get some insight from more experienced people and just to sort of get my experience out in the open for criticism and advice. I'm going to be very honest and would like honest feedback no matter if it's harsh. It's going to be a long read but I really appreciate anyone who takes time out of their day to read and give feedback to me.

Let me get started with saying I'm a pretty genuine person, about as genuine and caring as they come. A hopeless romantic, I'm always fantasizing about a great life with a woman and being in love; I've been like this since I was a teenager and I'm 27 now. Sex is just a small factor and probably less important to me than other guys, but I will get to that more later. Looks-wise I'd say I'm above average, but nothing jaw-dropping.

 

I've always been pretty self-conscious but have moments of confidence (I've noticed my confidence is tied to my success with women) and I'm a great conversationalist whether it's by speaking or typing (something I really had to learn as you find out soon). I really enjoy conversations with suitors, perhaps one of my favorite aspects of getting to know people are deep conversations. I'm also quite funny and humor is quite important to me. I'd say my personality is better than my looks, but that's just my opinion and doesn't really matter, just trying to illustrate an example to help with any advice. Now that you know all this, a reasonably attractive, fun to talk to, hopeless romantic, doesn't only think with his second head guy, no problem right? Now onto the issues.

 

The first issue I am about to discuss with you is that I have Aspergers, although I don't have every symptom of it (I'm very empathetic and coordinated - I was a former athlete) and people wouldn't know right away unless I told them. Once you get to know me, it makes a lot of sense. I haven't been officially diagnosed but it's fairly obvious and doctors have speculated. To go along with this, I have social anxiety and OCD (which I am on medication for). I've learned pretty well how to communicate and make people feel comfortable and enjoy talking to me, but you may find an oddity here or there (but not many). One of the biggest things Aspergers affects in my possible relationships is that I am obsessive, have a lack of interest in most things, but focus intently on some (video games, love), and have a ridiculously hard time leaving my comfort zone. Being so obsessed with love is very hard on me and it takes its toll from my lack of success (which mostly comes from not leaving my comfort zone).

I know the key to a relationship is having a life put together already, and I try to make friends, but I just don't have any interest and it never lasts. I'm only interested in a woman to be my best friend and lover which I know is unrealistic yet possible. I have a lot of love to offer and I'm sure I may across as somewhat desperate in some regards. I've been dealing with this my whole life and people may say, "just change your ways" or "focus more on yourself", but it's the way my brain is wired. Trust me, I try. I envy people who can put themselves first over relationships. Because of my social anxiety and non-ability to leave my comfort zone, I've been pretty much restricted to online dating, which is obviously not ideal, especially in my area. I did have a year and a half relationship recently from 25-27 with a beautiful woman in which I never fell in love and had to end it, I probably stayed with her too long, but I've been very lonely my whole life and kept thinking I would fall for her eventually. I really wish I could have loved her and I'm still sad I never did. I feel my main problem is I never meet enough people, but I'm torn because I don't actually like going places most the time and when I do to try to talk to women, I'm too shy to actually go through with it. OLD gives me a medium to have mutual intent, which makes it a lot easier. Let's face it though it's OLD and I'm not going to meet the woman of my dreams (most likely).

Now onto my second issue, which is perhaps to some women, even more of an issue since it goes beyond personality. I've had a rare urinary condition for about 6 years now. It's gotten progressively worse and doctors have still not been able to figure it out (I'm still in the process and have even gone to one of the best medical establishments in the US). I won't go into too much detail, but I'm in terrible discomfort everyday and it's the worst thing to ever happen to me in my life and I deal with it every day. It's a living hell. This creates three issues that are going to affect relationships and I'm hoping it can be solved eventually, and I have leads, but nothing yet. First of all, I cannot hold a job like this. That's right, it's that bad. I am trying my hardest to finish school though, suffered through it and got a 3.5 GPA last semester (I'm quite intelligent, just lack drive from various things I've been talking about). I'll be able to get a good job once I get this problem solved, but I'm not getting any younger. Second, I live at home, mostly because of AS I mentioned in the first part, but I also cannot afford it obviously.

Thirdly and this is the biggy: my sexual ability has recently been heavily influenced and regressed by my affliction. I've lost all feeling of orgasm within the last few years and it happens in about 5 seconds because of sensitivity now. In fact, it feels bad now instead of good. There is no way I can satisfy a woman in this way like I previously was able to before I got this horrible problem. This is a huge problem because, well to quite a bit of people (me included) sex is very important in a relationship. It's not like I'm inexperienced, I've had relations with women in the past. I'm not even sure what to think about this at this point, but I know it's really unfortunate as a 27 year old male to lose this part of himself. It's sad really. I'm really hoping there is a way to get it back if I ever get this fixed, but there may not be.

So there you have it, I'm a 27 year old with AS and a rare urinary affliction. On the other hand, I'm a great guy, one who is laid-back, loyal, artistic, intelligent, can hold a great conversation, affectionate, and would try his best in the bedroom, even if urinary and other issues hold him back. One who desperately wants to find the love of his life. What inspired me to post this was I was chatting with a woman for about a month recently. It was a great connection and when I kissed her after the date it freaked her out, because she's recently divorced. I know it had nothing to do with me, but I was starting to develop feelings for her and feel down. I did the whole bombard with clingy texts thing after she stopped talking to me. I tend to get too obsessed with women because I don't have options and it's just my personality as you have been reading. I'm sure this is going to be a very tough thread to comment on because it's a very unique situation and you've probably never seen anything like it, not the sum of the parts at least.

 

A few questions to help guide the narrative:

 

• What can I do to help my chances? I know all the basic answers, like get out more, talk to people more, and such, but it's just not that simple for me. I'd love to hear opinions or advice on this, even criticism.
  
• Would women be willing to accept my issues? I know everyone is different and there are definitely women who are open-minded. My last girlfriend was in love with me, so I know it's possible. She might be one of a kind though.
  
• Can anyone relate to any of this? Solidarity!
  

I'm really pouring my heart and soul out to a forum, not something I'd usually do, as I'm quite shy. I hope I can get some feedback. Happy holidays everyone!

Edited December 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed external link. ~T

[angel.eyes]

Could you please provide a Cliff Notes version. I couldn't get through the OP. Sorry.

[PrismOfLove]

Could you please provide a Cliff Notes version. I couldn't get through the OP. Sorry.

I don't feel like a TLDR would be appropriate for this post, I can't really think of how to write it while getting all the info needed in it. Sorry about that.

[FadedSign52]

First of all I would not link to my actual pictures on a web-site like this. I would take down the link ASAP! Thats just me though young people seem more comfortable having their personal information out there.

 

I'm sure there is someone out there for you. But I wouldn't be so hung up on finding her quickly. You're young and you have time.

 

If you can get your medical issue fixed or improved, get a job and move out of your parents place your dating opportunities are going to vastly improve, so that's where my focus would be.

[CrystalCastles]

I read the whole thing. Here is a td;dr version:

 

-OP is looking for love and really wants to find it. Has issues like undiagnosed Aspergers, but medicated for social anxiety and OCD. Doesn't seem to be interested in making friends except with the goal of falling in love.

 

-second issue is a urinary condition that makes sex painful and unpleasant.

 

Here are my thoughts OP. Firstly, you are a cute guy. I wouldn't worry about looks. You look nice.

 

Secondly, I have OCD but not clinical, and anxiety problems. My first boyfriend was aware of this, and he had no problems with it, so there are people who are ok with it, at least from my experience. I think as long as you let the woman know at an appropriate time, she'll know the reason behind certain behaviours.

 

You sound like meeting people isn't something you particularly care about, but if you plan on meeting the love of your life, you have to do it. You have to make friends and expand your social circle and get to know people. Go to events, meetups, study with friends, join clubs. A woman wants a man who has a social life and interests outside of her. Its super creepy to meet a guy whose life is all about his woman, and doesn't include any other people.

 

What are the doctors doing about the urinary problem? Can you get surgery or something? Is it some kind of nerve damage or something? You can still get a woman off by using toys and oral. I think as long as you are a giving and selfless partner, and your woman's pleasure is a priority, the urinary problem isn't the end of the world, don't worry.

[PrismOfLove]

I read the whole thing. Here is a td;dr version:

 

-OP is looking for love and really wants to find it. Has issues like undiagnosed Aspergers, but medicated for social anxiety and OCD. Doesn't seem to be interested in making friends except with the goal of falling in love.

 

-second issue is a urinary condition that makes sex painful and unpleasant.

 

The TLDR is a bit off, but close enough, thanks for that. I also very much appreciate you taking the time to read this, I mainly wrote it as a way of trying to get some hope, which is hard to come by for my lately.

 

Secondly, I have OCD but not clinical, and anxiety problems. My first boyfriend was aware of this, and he had no problems with it, so there are people who are ok with it, at least from my experience. I think as long as you let the woman know at an appropriate time, she'll know the reason behind certain behaviours.

This has been my experience as well, thank you.

 

You sound like meeting people isn't something you particularly care about, but if you plan on meeting the love of your life, you have to do it. You have to make friends and expand your social circle and get to know people. Go to events, meetups, study with friends, join clubs. A woman wants a man who has a social life and interests outside of her. Its super creepy to meet a guy whose life is all about his woman, and doesn't include any other people.

You're very correct, I've need to make some progress in this area. I found when I went to a club, I left because I got bored quickly though. I guess I just need to find the right fit somewhere for friends.

 

What are the doctors doing about the urinary problem? Can you get surgery or something? Is it some kind of nerve damage or something? You can still get a woman off by using toys and oral. I think as long as you are a giving and selfless partner, and your woman's pleasure is a priority, the urinary problem isn't the end of the world, don't worry.

I'm guessing it must be involving nerves, this is the biggest problem in my post that's holding me back the most. I really want to work and get on my feet. Doctors haven't been able to find anything worthwhile yet and I've seen quite a few, but I still have some (albeit expensive) options left to pursue. It's really frustrating when people think I'm making excuses for my working/living situation which happens a lot.

 

Thank you very much for your support, CrystalCastles!

[Els]

I second Crystal, especially re: your sexual issue. I won't lie, there are women who might not be okay with it. But for other women, if you're generous and giving in bed, and open to the use of oral, hands, toys etc, you may well be a better lover than countless men out there with a perfectly-functioning penis but who only care about getting themselves off.

 

As for your mental disorders, as you are aware of them and doing everything you can to handle them, I am sure that with the right partner both of you will be able to find a compromise. The worst people to live with are those who are in denial of their issues or unwilling to seek treatment for them, not the people who are self-aware.

 

All the best OP!

[CrystalCastles]

I second Crystal, especially re: your sexual issue. I won't lie, there are women who might not be okay with it. But for other women, if you're generous and giving in bed, and open to the use of oral, hands, toys etc, you may well be a better lover than countless men out there with a perfectly-functioning penis but who only care about getting themselves off.

 

I agree with this. Personally I am high drive and my ideal frequency is sex once a day at least. I've been with selfish partners though who have no issues with their genitals yet didn't care whatsoever if I even orgasmed or if sex was comfortable for me. My most recent bf was like that- I orgasmed once the whole time I was dating him, and it was by my own hand. He also f**ked in a very rough and painful way, slamming it in. He only cared about his pleasure and never about mine. Foreplay lasted maybe a few minutes, sometimes I didn't get it at all.

 

So I don't think the OP is a lost cause, definitely not. Its much better in my opinion to be with someone who may not necessarily have things alright down there, but is enthusiastic and loving and cares about his woman, than someone who treats a woman like nothing more than a blow up doll. I know there are men who, for example, have micropenises and have been able to have partners because they have some epic oral skills and fingering skills and the woman loved that anyway. Its about demonstrating that your partner's pleasure matters very much to you, I think to a lot of women that means a lot.

[CrystalCastles]

You're very correct, I've need to make some progress in this area. I found when I went to a club, I left because I got bored quickly though. I guess I just need to find the right fit somewhere for friends.

 

I find that I meet people best when doing a similar activity. Usually its either classes (I talk to random people in my lectures and tutorials, we do homework together and then become friends), or in club at school (like salsa dancing). I meet a lot of people at my volunteering as well. The bar/clubbing scene doesn't work for me personally, but I'm pretty introverted (which you sound like as well). OLD doesn't work for me either- its too clinical (I don't know how you're doing it haha!). Keep trying more clubs- do you have a gaming one at your school? Maybe try talking to people in your classes? I recently got into gaming too (WoW OMG!!!) and its so easy to just start chatting to someone next to me in class about WoW. People usually start recommending their favourite games and the conversation takes off. Getting to know people doesn't have to be a chore, maybe you need to get to know people who have similar interests, and it won't be boring because you'll be talking about stuff you love.

 

I'm guessing it must be involving nerves, this is the biggest problem in my post that's holding me back the most. I really want to work and get on my feet. Doctors haven't been able to find anything worthwhile yet and I've seen quite a few, but I still have some (albeit expensive) options left to pursue. It's really frustrating when people think I'm making excuses for my working/living situation which happens a lot.

 

Thank you very much for your support, CrystalCastles!

 

Just remember that whatever happens, enthusiasm goes a long way. As I pointed out in my previous post, penis problems aren't the end of the world. I've been with men who have a perfectly functional penis and are the world's most boring and selfish partners in bed. I personally love both giving and receiving oral, but someone who gives my clit a couple of half-hearted licks and stops because "its too boring" isn't going to last, while I blow them two or three times in one sitting. Be enthusiastic and attentive and responsive to your woman's needs- the urinary problem won't be such a big deal.

 

No problem! Elswyth gave some great advice as well, listen to that and you'll be fine! Breathe, relax, don't worry. Your issues aren't as bad as you think!

[PrismOfLove]

I second Crystal, especially re: your sexual issue. I won't lie, there are women who might not be okay with it. But for other women, if you're generous and giving in bed, and open to the use of oral, hands, toys etc, you may well be a better lover than countless men out there with a perfectly-functioning penis but who only care about getting themselves off.

 

As for your mental disorders, as you are aware of them and doing everything you can to handle them, I am sure that with the right partner both of you will be able to find a compromise. The worst people to live with are those who are in denial of their issues or unwilling to seek treatment for them, not the people who are self-aware.

 

All the best OP!

 

Thanks Elswyth, it seems like the consensus is that women appreciate giving lovers quite a bit. I'll keep this in mind regarding my issue and try to make pleasing them my top priority. I'd say I have a pretty good grasp on my mental things, I just need to be more social.

Edited December 25, 2015 by PrismOfLove
spelling

[Buddhist]

[*]What can I do to help my chances? I know all the basic answers, like get out more, talk to people more, and such, but it's just not that simple for me. I'd love to hear opinions or advice on this, even criticism.

 

If it's not that simple then you need professional help, a therapist and a commitment to exposure therapy. This situation won't resolve itself and no-one wants to be in a relationship where they have to be everything to someone. Whatever person is going to come into your life won't want to just be around you, they'll have a social life of their own and they've expect you to participate in it as part of a healthy relationship. Sorting this out needs to be a priority.

 

[*]Would women be willing to accept my issues? I know everyone is different and there are definitely women who are open-minded. My last girlfriend was in love with me, so I know it's possible. She might be one of a kind though.

[*]Can anyone relate to any of this? Solidarity!

 

Not for me. I would not accept someone who has no desire to improve themselves or move beyond their limitations. And that's all it really is, a limitation, not an impossibility. But your post sounds like you have no desire and no plans to ever live any other way. That wouldn't work for me, nor for the majority of women out there, I'm guessing.

 

For a start, if you haven't been diagnosed with aspergers be very careful about applying that label to yourself. Often people who do this are just looking for a justification as to why they refuse to grow, change and challenge themselves. Many people get stuck in a comfort zone, that's not necessarily aspergers. Many people focus intensely on a few interests instead of having broad interests, that's not necessarily aspergers either. Many people have social anxiety, mostly because no-one bothers to actually converse with others face to face anymore. it's like an epidemic these days and it's a symptom of maintaining low interpersonal contact in your life. Your lifestyle choices of hiding behind your computer are making that situation worse, not improving it.

 

Your urinary tract problem. While Drs are educated and well intentioned they don't know everything. Every contact with the medical profession I've had is that they are highly resistant to looking at lifestyle when assessing conditions and linking the two. They're not trained to do that, they're trained to look at symptoms and start looking for solutions the way a plumber looks for a leak. Broaden your treatment options until you find the solution. Unless you somehow end up in a relationship with an asexual, you'll find this a huge impediment in a longterm relationship.

 

The issues aren't the real problem, your desire to simply live with them and manage your entire life around them is the real problem. At 27 you have the mentality of a 70yr old. Close off the world, closet yourself away and live in an debilitated state seems to be what you've done. Ask yourself this......why would anyone else want to join you there?