FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 So I recently started online dating for the first time ever. It's been interesting. I'm 40, decent looking (I think), fit, no kids and would like to have one. I am being approached by like minded women (no kids, wants them) around my age that I feel like are out of my league looks-wise to be honest. I had to have my sister (who has no problem being brutally honest ) make sure my pictures were representative because I was so surprised. How do I make sure that the women are really interested in me and not just an eligible sperm donor? I've gone on two dates so far, they both want second dates. I would like someone who is with me for the right reasons. I don't want to end up with a woman who reached 38-40, got desperate and "settled" for me to have kids, only to get divorced later. Honestly I'd rather not be with a drop dead gorgeous woman. I want someone I'M attracted to of course but don't really want to deal with my significant other being hit on constantly. Maybe this sounds like a first world problem and it probably is. I just don’t want to be the "stable provider guy" a girl ends up settling for. Somehow it just does not sit well with me that these girls probably would not have given me the time of day when they were in their 20's but now they do.
StBreton Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 This is a conundrum OP. While those women may not have found you "attractive" in you 20s...it's quite possible you ARE more attractive at the age you are now. Also...as women age, most of us become less "shallow" so to speak. We look at the entire person and not just "how hot he is" or how "ab-tastic he is". Maybe not lead with the whole get married/have a baby thing and definitely don't lead with money or being the provider. You might go for dating women in their early 30s if you can't let go of the feeling you're being used as a sperm donor. Since you have a sister, if she's emotionally intelligent she might be able to sniff out any women with ulterior motives. 2
smackie9 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I would question why these women were not able to get married and have kids at an earlier age. If I were you, I wouldn't put anything in your profile in regards to this, and let it be discussed during dates instead...possibly with younger women to eliminate most of the desperate ones. 2
Author FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 This is a conundrum OP. While those women may not have found you "attractive" in you 20s...it's quite possible you ARE more attractive at the age you are now. Also...as women age, most of us become less "shallow" so to speak. We look at the entire person and not just "how hot he is" or how "ab-tastic he is". Maybe not lead with the whole get married/have a baby thing and definitely don't lead with money or being the provider. You might go for dating women in their early 30s if you can't let go of the feeling you're being used as a sperm donor. Since you have a sister, if she's emotionally intelligent she might be able to sniff out any women with ulterior motives. The site I am on has you put in whether you have/want kids etc. but I have not written anything about it in the profile. I did not enter any info about how much I make because I don't want to attract the wrong kind of women, but I did say what field I am in just so people know I am employed and not living in my moms basement. You're right I guess women's priorities change as far as how they evaluate a guys "worth" as they get older. My friends tell me to date early 30's also and I guess you would have more time to build up a relationship up where a women in her late 30's will want to get pregnant relatively quickly. Both girls made comments about how guys are lucky that they don't have a biological clock ticking. Maybe I am overthinking this, I'd just like to get it right this time around
Author FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 I would question why these women were not able to get married and have kids at an earlier age. If I were you, I wouldn't put anything in your profile in regards to this, and let it be discussed during dates instead...possibly with younger women to eliminate most of the desperate ones. I think a lot of them have been focused on careers or wasted time in long term relationships that went nowhere. But you're right it could also be a red flag. I do want kids though so I thought I should put it in the profile and not waste anyones time.... 1
StBreton Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 When you go on a date, ask the girl where they see themselves/what they'll be doing in 2 years, 5 years. Do this after breaking the ice and joking around a little bit. If any women intimates she's fast on the baby track, this might not be the best person for you. From the time I met the man I married till we had our first child, it was 5 years...so 3 years married. I was early 30s when he and I met. I wanted considerable time with just he and I before kids. Best not to rush into having kids right away...better to enjoy the 2 of you as a couple first. Starting to make more sense to meet someone in their early/mid 30s. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Why are you coming at this from the perspective that they don't actually like you, as a person? Have either of them mentioned children, beyond what was posted in both of your profiles? (yours and theirs) They probably included that piece of information in their profiles for the same reasons you did. 2
Author FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 When you go on a date, ask the girl where they see themselves/what they'll be doing in 2 years, 5 years. Do this after breaking the ice and joking around a little bit. If any women intimates she's fast on the baby track, this might not be the best person for you. From the time I met the man I married till we had our first child, it was 5 years...so 3 years married. I was early 30s when he and I met. I wanted considerable time with just he and I before kids. Best not to rush into having kids right away...better to enjoy the 2 of you as a couple first. Starting to make more sense to meet someone in their early/mid 30s. I definitely agree giving yourself time to build up the emotional bank account before jumping into changing diapers is definitely the way to go. Any woman that wants kids and is say 39 will want to do it relatively soon I think and so you wouldn't get that time. If I could go back and make better choices in my dating career I would. It sucks because I really would prefer to date women my own age.
Author FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Why are you coming at this from the perspective that they don't actually like you, as a person? Have either of them mentioned children, beyond what was posted in both of your profiles? (yours and theirs) They probably included that piece of information in their profiles for the same reasons you did. They both made brief mention of it during the date. And if you're a woman in late 30's who wants kids of course they'll want to do it relatively soon I get that. Maybe I am overthinking this and its really a self confidence issue 1
StBreton Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Ya know FS...when you "choose" a woman that you wish to be with...I assume it's because she has a quality about her that is special to you? That she has values that are consistent with yours? That she is attractive to you? As long as she walks the talk ...when she's with you or her family/friends, then she is being her authentic self. If you fall in love with someone like this, and she loves you back, does it matter if she's "baby hungry"? I'd still wait a few years before having a baby so you get some "couple" time in...but something to ponder. Takeaway...look for someone who is authentic...and all the others qualities you're looking for ...the rest will fall into place...if she's into you in the same respect. (look for this last one) Edited December 24, 2015 by StBreton
StBreton Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Date younger women. Look in the 20's range. They're hotter and not just looking for a quick sperm donor. OP is 40... I wouldn't have dated or married a guy so much older...within 8/9 years at the most. I think a woman in her 30s would be more compatible. I wonder what happens when guys marry women who are so much younger ... the guy turns 60 and the woman is in her 40s...do more affairs happen on the woman's side? As the OP stated...he wants to be with someone much closer to his age...good for you OP 1
smackie9 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I think a lot of them have been focused on careers or wasted time in long term relationships that went nowhere. But you're right it could also be a red flag. I do want kids though so I thought I should put it in the profile and not waste anyones time.... But so far it's a concern about motive right? I feel the majority of women that are in their early to mid 30's are wanting children. So I doubt you will be wasting everyone's time. I think it's reverse psychology....the less info, the more interest or intrigue.
Author FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Ya know FS...when you "choose" a woman that you wish to be with...I assume it's because she has a quality about her that is special to you? That she has values that are consistent with yours? That she is attractive to you? As long as she walks the talk ...when she's with you or her family/friends, then she is being her authentic self. If you fall in love with someone like this, and she loves you back, does it matter if she's "baby hungry"? I'd still wait a few years before having a baby so you get some "couple" time in...but something to ponder. Takeaway...look for someone who is authentic...and all the others qualities you're looking for ...the rest will fall into place...if she's into you in the same respect. (look for this last one) Thank you for the sound advice! You're right once you're several dates in you should be able to tell if shes in it for the right reasons. And that is exactly what I am looking for someone nice, authentic who I am attracted to. 1
losangelena Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I think just because a woman at that age wants to have children doesn't mean she's "baby hungry." It's a realistic consideration, and I don't really see any problem with them wanting to know early-on where the man stands on kids. I'd guess that there are some men by that age who don't want to have kids, so if y'all aren't on the same page, why even bother investing a lot of time? FWIW, my ex, whose 31, asked me on date two whether or not I wanted a family. I don't think that was a leading question, I just think he was making conversation. I'm curious too why OP you're suspicious that they're just after your sperm. Obviously, if you make the cut as a sperm donor, you probably are attractive/interesting enough. Maybe they just like you for you! 2
Popsicle Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Maybe they think you just want an egg donor... 2
Author FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 OP is 40... I wouldn't have dated or married a guy so much older...within 8/9 years at the most. I think a woman in her 30s would be more compatible. I wonder what happens when guys marry women who are so much younger ... the guy turns 60 and the woman is in her 40s...do more affairs happen on the woman's side? As the OP stated...he wants to be with someone much closer to his age...good for you OP Agreed, its not a good recipe for a lasting relationship for many different reasons. Women at work have tried to set me up with gorgeous Ukrainian women 15 years younger who oh btw need to get married before 3 months so they can stay in the country. Was it tempting? Sure, but I want something that's going to last and someone I can grow old with.
Author FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 I think just because a woman at that age wants to have children doesn't mean she's "baby hungry." It's a realistic consideration, and I don't really see any problem with them wanting to know early-on where the man stands on kids. I'd guess that there are some men by that age who don't want to have kids, so if y'all aren't on the same page, why even bother investing a lot of time? FWIW, my ex, whose 31, asked me on date two whether or not I wanted a family. I don't think that was a leading question, I just think he was making conversation. I'm curious too why OP you're suspicious that they're just after your sperm. Obviously, if you make the cut as a sperm donor, you probably are attractive/interesting enough. Maybe they just like you for you! Okay I can see how the term baby hungry is slightly offensive to women, sorry I guess my concern is just that they because they feel they are running out of time they go for someone who they otherwise wouldn't. But you're absolutely right I'm sure they wouldn't want to have kids with someone who they don't see themselves being with long term.
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I think that you should just get to know them, if you think they are interesting and you find them attractive. Since you ARE interested in women closer to your own age, you will have some time considerations if you are going to have kids, that's just biology!!
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