Susmay Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 This is the first I heard of it and I had to Google it myself. I'd love further information It happens and it happened to us after D-day! At the time I had no idea why I felt the way I did. I now know that it does happen to couples after D-day (but not every couple), I know what it feels like because it happened to me, I now know what it's called, but I still have no explanation as to why it happened or rather the mechanism that seemed to be suddenly switched on. It lasted nearly 2 years and our sex life now (many years post D-day) is more frequent than it was in the years leading up to D-day.
NewLeaf512 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Without being too crude- it's intense sex and lots of it in addition to lots of physical touch and time together. Think brand new just moved in together 20 somethings. Thanks for letting me know. I know that sometimes people go through this after a bereavement and this sounds similar. NL
road Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I understand the google definitions of HB. Fellini wanted to open the discussion to WS. I didn't go past the second page. According to the infidelity gurus, HB is one-sided. I wanted the OP's definition. I showed you both sides of the coin.
Discjockey80 Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I think the reality of HB is that it comes from a 'revelation' of a dark, dirty secret. The passion of the affair draws the BS in and also spurs the WS into bonding and reconnecting with the BS...and vice versa. It's compounded by a sense of true 'de cloaking' or in other words.... sheer honesty. And its honesty on a pure primary level. The illusion of the stable, happy marriage is shattered and the real truth about the other person comes out. Everyone shows their humanity, their weaknesses, their frailties, their strengths, etc. 1
gettingstronger Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I understand the google definitions of HB. Fellini wanted to open the discussion to WS. I didn't go past the second page. According to the infidelity gurus, HB is one-sided. I wanted the OP's definition. One-sided for the BS or the WS- This quote made me google it again and I did not see anything about it being one- sided- can your clarify?
RightThere Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I went through terrible hysterical bonding right after d-day. I would say it lasted less than a week before the paranoia started taking over. Mostly because my WW was still in constant communication with OM. It was definitely just a very temporary fog, where everything else in my life was pushed aside and we were constantly wanting to be with each other (or at least I was). So short lived though. Because it was almost a euphoric high that was replaced with panicked paranoia. Hard to reason with it today, but it was very real at the time. 2
Author ladydesigner Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) [quote=MuddyFootprints;6706226 I'd like to understand better what OP defines as HB. I've googled it and don't think that the typical WS HB description is how you or I have experienced it. I don't know, but maybe it's the hysterical part of the BS bonding that is the concern in this thread? Good point! I never thought of it from the WS's POV I think that would be very interesting. I know some BS's have great HB experiences and it helps the M recover and then there are cases like mine, which felt like a desperate attempt to win my WH back Edited December 28, 2015 by ladydesigner 3
dreamingoftigers Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Good point! I never thought of it from the WS's POV I think that would be very interesting. I know some BS's have great HB experiences and it helps the M recover and then there are cases like mine, which felt like a desperate attempt to win my WH back I would just describe it as my brain and feelings short-circuited. It was painful and the only way to get relief was to screw. My mother went through HB after my father's affair too. (I know this because neither one of my parents have any boundaries. They both like to say the word "boundaries" a lot bit its more like saying "I learned a buzzword in therapy that I am going to selectively apply to situations to manipulate them the exact same way that I have for over 40 years. Boundaries." Ugh. So yes, she went through it too. After I told her about HB and how its pretty common after an affair, apparently it kind of stopped because it just made her feel in competition with OW. So she swung the other way almost totally clipping sex with my Dad. (That sentence made me feel pukey). So he.just went back to being a moody, self-righteous bastard. 3
Author ladydesigner Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 I would just describe it as my brain and feelings short-circuited. It was painful and the only way to get relief was to screw. My mother went through HB after my father's affair too. (I know this because neither one of my parents have any boundaries. They both like to say the word "boundaries" a lot bit its more like saying "I learned a buzzword in therapy that I am going to selectively apply to situations to manipulate them the exact same way that I have for over 40 years. Boundaries." Ugh. So yes, she went through it too. After I told her about HB and how its pretty common after an affair, apparently it kind of stopped because it just made her feel in competition with OW. So she swung the other way almost totally clipping sex with my Dad. (That sentence made me feel pukey). So he.just went back to being a moody, self-righteous bastard. Totally was like pain relief for me too! Yep I read about the bolded happening too. I was on my way there and realized this was not healthy. So now I just have sex. I'm getting there! 2
MuddyFootprints Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Have been thinking about this lately and maybe might help newly betrayed understand what this is. I remember shortly after my initial Dday going through this strange bonding process described as "hysterical" and that is exactly what it was for me. I could not figure out WHY on earth I would want to have sex with my WH so soon after the discovery of his A. It made me feel confused and sometimes sick at myself. Luckily my HB only lasted a few weeks which was when I discovered the first of many broken NC's. I look back now and realize it was a way of marking (what felt like) my territory. Nothing more nothing less. It holds no significance in my M and I do not consider it a special time. Just curious as to how many other BS's went through this and what it may have meant to you? Obviously my experience is not the same for all BS's. I probably would have felt the same way as a betrayed wife. Knowing what I know now, it was all about the sex. We reconnected intimately. We reconnected emotionally. I can't classify our re-bonding as hysterical, though there was, I'm sure, a degree of reclamation on both of our part. It was focussed, it was connected. Most importantly, we continue to work to be focussed and connected. 1
Recommended Posts