Hysterical Bonding

[ladydesigner]

Have been thinking about this lately and maybe might help newly betrayed understand what this is. I remember shortly after my initial Dday going through this strange bonding process described as "hysterical" and that is exactly what it was for me. I could not figure out WHY on earth I would want to have sex with my WH so soon after the discovery of his A. It made me feel confused and sometimes sick at myself. Luckily my HB only lasted a few weeks which was when I discovered the first of many broken NC's.

 

I look back now and realize it was a way of marking (what felt like) my territory. Nothing more nothing less. It holds no significance in my M and I do not consider it a special time.

 

Just curious as to how many other BS's went through this and what it may have meant to you? Obviously my experience is not the same for all BS's.

[nightmare01]

Pretty much the same. Trying to reclaim what I once thought was mine.

 

Part of me hated myself for how I felt at that time. This should not have been something I needed to do. I felt weak and ineffective, reclaiming something that should have been mine all along. I actually felt ashamed that I would want to reconcile with my WW.

 

Emotionally it was a very confusing time for me.

[road]

Have been thinking about this lately and maybe might help newly betrayed understand what this is. I remember shortly after my initial Dday going through this strange bonding process described as "hysterical" and that is exactly what it was for me. I could not figure out WHY on earth I would want to have sex with my WH so soon after the discovery of his A. It made me feel confused and sometimes sick at myself. Luckily my HB only lasted a few weeks which was when I discovered the first of many broken NC's.

 

I look back now and realize it was a way of marking (what felt like) my territory. Nothing more nothing less. It holds no significance in my M and I do not consider it a special time.

 

Just curious as to how many other BS's went through this and what it may have meant to you? Obviously my experience is not the same for all BS's.

 

 

Did your marriage end in divorce?

 

 

For many HB lasts about six months. Some have said it never stopped, others it never started.

 

 

HB is to help reconnect and heal. Problem when there is repeated D days there is never going to be enough HB to compensate for multiple breaks in NC.

[ladydesigner]

Did your marriage end in divorce?

 

 

For many HB lasts about six months. Some have said it never stopped, others it never started.

 

 

HB is to help reconnect and heal. Problem when there is repeated D days there is never going to be enough HB to compensate for multiple breaks in NC.

 

No it did not, but am in limbo leaning more towards D I think. So true @ the repeated ddays, HB never happened again

[cja]

I experienced this alot over the last year during our attempts at reconciliation. We've always had a good, active sex life so it was never really bad, but it had its peaks and valleys over 10 years. Sometimes it got a little, well, routine but it always came back hot after being boring. After the affair, however, it was so intense and the connection felt so deep and real. I never felt disgusted with him or myself. I did feel confused, and disappointed in myself and him. Also he would sometimes get upset as after I moved back out again, I did end up sleeping with him a few times. Although I told him this does not mean I'm moving back in or recommitting but he always would get his hopes way up when I slept with him. So I stopped doing it, though honestly, I have needs and would still like to but won't do it because I know it's not healthy. I still don't know what this hysterical bonding means? So really I'd like to know more from others too. As of now I'm moving toward divorce, and we haven't slept together for about six weeks but that doesn't mean I don't want to. Our chemistry is instant for me.

Edited December 24, 2015 by cja

[Whoknew30]

My H did this. The night confessed about A he told me he had to have sex with me & couldn't explain it. I went along with it but I didn't feel that way, though I did go through a period of wanting to have sex instead of fighting. I don't know if that's the same thing. That was after his dday, anytime we were going at it, it always ended in sex. I did it to get the frustration out in better way than fighting, if that makes any sense.

[dreamingoftigers]

No it did not, but am in limbo leaning more towards D I think. So true @ the repeated ddays, HB never happened again

 

I found it after DDay one. I think it's instinctual.

 

Maybe instinctually we fight for a mate that has perceived value.

 

But when they go and do it again, even on an instinctual level, we know that they are now more of a liability than an asset. I find that we tend to let go of mates when they are a clear liability. Except when there's significant abuse because it seems to Influence us to think that they have more power than they do (and survival-wise we might tend to stick with a powerful individual, even if they are emotionally harmful to us.)

 

IDK. I noticed Dday 1 was like a sex drug and I was disgusted with myself.

 

DDay 2 was almost the total opposite. I didn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole.

 

WS don't get any of this. Have no clue the things it does to us on a chemical level.

[fellini]

Is it HB if only the betrayed feels the urge and the emotion? For bonding to occur, doesn't the feeling have to be mutual - although for different reasons (BS recovering something and the WS another)? I would be interested in knowing what WS's felt the HB served, if anything for them.

Edited December 25, 2015 by fellini

[EverySunset]

After DDay1 my XWS H and I had a couple minutes (whoops I mean months lol) of HB. Died out completely after he became a mess and I kept catching him flirting (he was actually full blown cheating with new people) or breaking NC's with the old partner (apparently they didn't break it off at all) and by the time I figured it all out...

 

I was disgusted and I started towards the door. My healing never went anywhere until I was OUT that door, breathing fresh air and feeling sunshine on my face.

[purplesorrow]

As a bw, when I read about hb, I just didn't get it! I didn't want him to touch me! His affair just killed my attraction for him. We separated not long after dday. I guess I didn't want to reclaim what meant so little to him at one point. I do find hb very interesting though.

[Mr. Lucky]

Obviously my experience is not the same for all BS's.

 

Had it for a few weeks though it died when it began to feel like an attempt to distract me from the real issues. In other words, just more deception, another brick in the wall...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

As a bw, when I read about hb, I just didn't get it! I didn't want him to touch me! His affair just killed my attraction for him. We separated not long after dday. I guess I didn't want to reclaim what meant so little to him at one point. I do find hb very interesting though.

 

 

Your response is just as normal as it is to HB. Not every BS goes the HB route.

[gettingstronger]

We HB for about 2 years- for whatever reason I really enjoyed it-I think for me, it was a release and re-discovering myself more than reclaiming anything-

[road]

We HB for about 2 years- for whatever reason I really enjoyed it-I think for me, it was a release and re-discovering myself more than reclaiming anything-

 

 

Were you the BS or WS?

[Naively.Sensitive]

I can relate to this feeling.

 

In the first few days after my wife confessed to me, she took me by my hand, very assertively, into the bedroom and was overly enthusiastic about what followed. I went along with it, in extreme pain, just imagining that she really wanted me.

 

The hysterical bonding for us lasted for about 3 months, in which we made special time, sometimes 3 times a week, after work, with the kids busy in another room, spending 1 hour for each of those 3 times a week. Among the hysterical bonding, she also supported me by doing what I asked, like hugging me when I cried profusely, every morning, agreeing to allow me to make sex videos so that I could try to erase the images of her with another man, etc. She also excitedly helped me choose lots of lingerie for herself, so that she could feel sexier and also attract me sexually.

 

After about 3 months, I landed up having to make an overseas trip in which I told some close family members and friends about the extreme trauma I was suffering and about what had happened.

I did this because I desperately needed more emotional support and empathy than I currently had. After I returned from my trip, all the hysterical bonding stopped (from her side), and so did her support for my extreme pain. She was upset that some more people knew about her affair and her entire attitude and behavior changed. She moved out of the bedroom into another room, and did not want to connect emotionally or physically. Its now been 6 months since I have been suffering in extreme pain, all alone and all she mostly does is fixes me coffee in the morning, lunch for my work days and just has surface conversations about day to day living.

 

This is what the hysterical bonding was serving for me, (as a betrayed husband):

1) It was helping me feel like I was reclaiming my wife from another man.

2) It helped me improve my self-worth and sense of confidence, which was completely destroyed.

3) It made me feel like she really wanted me and that she had simply made a mistake by going into an affair.

4) It made me feel that she was willing to do anything to reclaim me back and that she was showing her true remorse.

5) It made me feel that she needed me in her own recovery.

6) It was helping me get over the extreme PTSD images that haunted me everyday, in my thoughts and nightmares.

7) It was helping me feel that she accepted responsibility for her actions in the affair and was hence, also doing what I needed to heal, even if it may have been uncomfortable for her. It helped me feel that she truly felt that she had wronged me.

8) It helped me feel that I could recover from her affair and ultimately (slowly but steadily) forgive her.

9) It helped me feel like I did not have to reach out to other women, simply for an emotional and sexual connection, to be able to deal with my extreme pain and suffering.

10) It provided a distraction and release of my emotional pain, much like a soldier might need, dealing with an extremely traumatic situation, like war.

 

I suspect that hysterical bonding may serve a slightly different psychological need for a betrayed husband than it would serve for a betrayed wife.

I think that men have a natural tendency to feel a sense of entitlement towards their women and hysterical bonding may serve that need very well, to mark out their territory, almost a feeling of their women "belonging to them" (exclusively)

It certainly did for me, as a betrayed husband.

 

I would like to hear what a wayward wife would feel about hysterical bonding, if it was a natural feeling or forced/contrived and if they had any sense of being "used" in this process. Even if they felt it to be abnormal, would they do it for their husband if it helped him recover faster and if they loved him enough to care about his recovery?

[MuddyFootprints]

Is it HB if only the betrayed feels the urge and the emotion? For bonding to occur, doesn't the feeling have to be mutual - although for different reasons (BS recovering something and the WS another)? I would be interested in knowing what WS's felt the HB served, if anything for them.

 

I'd like to understand better what OP defines as HB. I've googled it and don't think that the typical WS HB description is how you or I have experienced it.

 

I don't know, but maybe it's the hysterical part of the BS bonding that is the concern in this thread?

[NewLeaf512]

I'd like to understand better what OP defines as HB. I've googled it and don't think that the typical WS HB description is how you or I have experienced it.

 

I don't know, but maybe it's the hysterical part of the BS bonding that is the concern in this thread?

 

This is the first I heard of it and I had to Google it myself. I'd love further information

[gettingstronger]

Were you the BS or WS?

 

 

 

I'm the BS. I have to say we always had an active sex life but it went in to overdrive after DDay.

I'm one of those BS that the idea of my husband spending any emotional time or energy with someone else was way harder than the sex part. Although for him, he claims the texting etc was the price he had to pay to get the ego boost of someone willing to meet him on business trips for sex and meant nothing, it's still hard for me to accept. Our lives are busy and I would have liked an extra few texts in my day. I asked why he just didn't get an escort. His response was this seemed safer. I guess, until now 2.5 years later and our OW still intrudes. Anyway, for me HB was more about me than us. For him, he was just glad I didn't reject him and I was still willing to share myself with him.

[gettingstronger]

This is the first I heard of it and I had to Google it myself. I'd love further information

 

 

 

Without being too crude- it's intense sex and lots of it in addition to lots of physical touch and time together. Think brand new just moved in together 20 somethings.

[road]

HB, hysterical bonding, I think because the word hysterical is a word that paints a picture of someone reacting in a non sane way.

 

 

When on D day the BS finds out that their WS had an affair many thoughts go through their head. They can feel their spouse is contaminated by the AP touching their spouse. They feel disgusted. Yet if disgusted how can they kiss and have sex with their WS. That is not a sane response. Hence they are acting hysterical. I can also guess is that when things were best and they were having sex 3-4 times a week. After D day they are having sex morning, noon, night, 24, 7, 365.

 

 

Also if when from the beginning of the marriage they had sex 3/4 times a week, now they want and must have sex every day, some twice a day. This hysterical bonding is a subconscious need for the BS to out compete the AP, reconnect and repair the broken bonds with their WS caused by the affair.

 

 

The WS needs to bury the feelings for the AP and to reconnect and repair the damage they did to their BS. The WS is showing the BS you are the only one I want. You are better than the AP.

 

 

Not everyone does HB.

 

 

HB can vary when it starts after D day. It usually starts after the WS goes NC with the AP.

 

 

HB usually lasts for 6 months. Though it can be a shorter or longer time frame. I have known of a few WS and BS say that HB never ended.

[MuddyFootprints]

HB, hysterical bonding, I think because the word hysterical is a word that paints a picture of someone reacting in a non sane way.

 

 

When on D day the BS finds out that their WS had an affair many thoughts go through their head. They can feel their spouse is contaminated by the AP touching their spouse. They feel disgusted. Yet if disgusted how can they kiss and have sex with their WS. That is not a sane response. Hence they are acting hysterical. I can also guess is that when things were best and they were having sex 3-4 times a week. After D day they are having sex morning, noon, night, 24, 7, 365.

 

 

Also if when from the beginning of the marriage they had sex 3/4 times a week, now they want and must have sex every day, some twice a day. This hysterical bonding is a subconscious need for the BS to out compete the AP, reconnect and repair the broken bonds with their WS caused by the affair.

 

 

The WS needs to bury the feelings for the AP and to reconnect and repair the damage they did to their BS. The WS is showing the BS you are the only one I want. You are better than the AP.

 

 

Not everyone does HB.

 

 

HB can vary when it starts after D day. It usually starts after the WS goes NC with the AP.

 

 

HB usually lasts for 6 months. Though it can be a shorter or longer time frame. I have known of a few WS and BS say that HB never ended.

 

I was looking for a more OP-specific definition.

[gettingstronger]

Also if when from the beginning of the marriage they had sex 3/4 times a week, now they want and must have sex every day, some twice a day. This hysterical bonding is a subconscious need for the BS to out compete the AP, reconnect and repair the broken bonds with their WS caused by the affair.

 

 

The WS needs to bury the feelings for the AP and to reconnect and repair the damage they did to their BS. The WS is showing the BS you are the only one I want.

 

 

I don't see it this way at all. For my husband he said dday was like a near death experience. He felt disgusted and humiliated at himself. He said he felt honored that someone like me would even consider touching someone like him. In a way it was cleansing to have honest, open sex.

[road]

I was looking for a more OP-specific definition.

 

 

What? 10 C's.

[Red123]

Without being too crude- it's intense sex and lots of it in addition to lots of physical touch and time together. Think brand new just moved in together 20 somethings.

 

Perfect description for what I experienced

[MuddyFootprints]

What? 10 C's.

 

I understand the google definitions of HB. Fellini wanted to open the discussion to WS.

 

I didn't go past the second page. According to the infidelity gurus, HB is one-sided.

 

I wanted the OP's definition.