SparklingandBroken Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 My bf and I live together and have talked about the future long term, just to give you an idea of the nature of our relationship. We're 30. This happens almost every time there is any kind of holiday, and it bothers me more each time. Dividing where a couple will be spending Christmas is always difficult, so I made sure to communicate far in advance what we were going to do so we could be with both families. My family always gets together with my moms side on Christmas Eve, and that is the most important to me. We drew names for gifts and my bf participated. Christmas Day we were going to go to my other gma's for lunch and then spend the rest of the day with his family. So last night (December 23rd, mind you) he decides he doesn't want to go to his aunts house Christmas Day and he is going to go to his dad's family Christmas Eve instead. However, his family wasn't sure they'd be going over there at all until about 11:00 PM last night. I can't help but to feel pissed. If he wanted to spend Christmas Eve with his other family, that would have been fine with me had he communicated that initially. Now I feel like an idiot because yet again I'll have to explain to my family why he's not there. And he doesn't get why it's a big deal "what did I do wrong?" Which is a load of **** because I'm pretty sure he's well aware and that's why he waits until the last minute to completely change the plans. Am I being ridiculous? I feel like he has no respect for me or my time by always doing this. Another example of his behavior, is we made a plan to stay in and watch Christmas movies on a Friday night a few weeks ago. His friend called wanting to see if he wanted to go out drinking and my bf said "I have no plans". After so many instances like this I said "are you ****ing kidding me?" When I overheard him.
FadedSign52 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Have you tried having a calm discussion with him about this and if so what was his reaction? I agree he is clearly being disrespectful. Is he otherwise kind and good to you? If so maybe its just a pattern of behavior he has developed over time and he is unaware of how disrespectful it is and a conversation may change it. If not he may just be a complete jackass
Author SparklingandBroken Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Have you tried having a calm discussion with him about this and if so what was his reaction? I agree he is clearly being disrespectful. Is he otherwise kind and good to you? If so maybe its just a pattern of behavior he has developed over time and he is unaware of how disrespectful it is and a conversation may change it. If not he may just be a complete jackass Yep, and he attributes it to his poor communication skills and promises to work on it. I feel like at this age that is no longer a valid excuse. I kind of feel like maybe he's passive aggressive. He is typically kind and good to me, but if we go like one day without sex he completely shuts down and acts like an overgrown child, IMO. We had a chat last week because I was starting to resent him because he literally wasn't doing ANYTHING around the house. I don't expect him to clean, but help with dishes, his laundry, and pick up after himself. Especially if I've spent my whole day off cleaning. I think the conversation scared him because then he made an effort for a few days. Just not sure what to think. I love him and generally the relationship is good, but there are some items that are red flags to me.
angel.eyes Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Well, his family didn't decide until 12/23 what they planned to do. It's great that your family plans so far in advance, but not every family does that. In your shoes, it wouldn't bother me that he choose to spend time with his own family over mine. After all, we're not married. But clearly you're infuriated. With respect to his friend, again, I don't see the issue. Unless you were planning a movie marathon, why can't he have a drink with his friend and watch a movie with you? When something similar has happened to me, I've been thrilled to have a couple of hours to do my own thing. At the end of the day, if he constantly exasperates you this much, and as you claim, he's not contributing to your living arrangement...to the point where you resent him and call him passive-aggressive, then you just aren't a good fit for each other. Part ways so that you can both find someone more compatible.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Well, his family didn't decide until 12/23 what they planned to do. It's great that your family plans so far in advance, but not every family does that. In your shoes, it wouldn't bother me that he choose to spend time with his own family over mine. After all, we're not married. But clearly you're infuriated. With respect to his friend, again, I don't see the issue. Unless you were planning a movie marathon, why can't he have a drink with his friend and watch a movie with you? When something similar has happened to me, I've been thrilled to have a couple of hours to do my own thing. At the end of the day, if he constantly exasperates you this much, and as you claim, he's not contributing to your living arrangement...to the point where you resent him and call him passive-aggressive, then you just aren't a good fit for each other. Part ways so that you can both find someone more compatible. His family's plan was to do Christmas Day. And his parents were going to his other aunt's house. That changed 12/23. And maybe you're not familiar with what "going out drinking" means but it is never out for one drink. That wouldn't have bothered me. What bothers me is that when plans are made with me, they aren't considered plans. It's an option until something better comes along. 1
angel.eyes Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I'm sorry to hear that. If you feel like you're constantly an option until better offers come along, then perhaps it's time to find someone else. 1
smackie9 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I'm sorry to hear that. If you feel like you're constantly an option until better offers come along, then perhaps it's time to find someone else. I agree with this^^^^ This is why we date before marriage....to see if they are going to fit into and share our lives as one. He is treating you as an option, and doing things last minute so he can get away with it. It shows a true lack of respect and it's obvious he has no interest in you or your family. It's time to reassess your relationship....maybe in the new year you should be looking for a new BF.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 I agree with this^^^^ This is why we date before marriage....to see if they are going to fit into and share our lives as one. He is treating you as an option, and doing things last minute so he can get away with it. It shows a true lack of respect and it's obvious he has no interest in you or your family. It's time to reassess your relationship....maybe in the new year you should be looking for a new BF. That is true. Definitely something I need to consider.
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