I miss her..

[Wrathbone1013]

I will do my best to keep my thoughts in order. Since when I type these Long stories I get sidetracked.

 

I met this beautiful woman we will call her C. I met her when she was 19 years old She was in college and for some reason was interested in me. We talked nonstop about everything we clicked like I couldn't imagine me having any sort of connection with any other person. We grow very fond of each other. He began dating shortly after. One of the biggest reasons I loved this relationship is we could communicate about anything. We could talk about our days at work or who he spoke to or what we were thinking about. A few months into the relationship we decided to move in together. Yes it was very quick but it was the most amazing decision we made. We didn't fight like you would think most new couples moving in together would. But shortly into the relationship I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder or and panic attacks. A key part of the story is I had never heard of panic attacks or anxiety disorder. I had my first panic attack with her and she took me to the hospital as I thought I was dying. To make a longer story short anxiety caused me to cut communication almost completely. I wasdn't know I had anxiety or what anxiety was. I was unable to have simple conversation due to being so focused on what was wrong with me again I didn't know I had anxiety or what anxiety was. She stuck with me through the whole thing even though I was very short rude and had lost my energy towards her . I do have a two-year-old son with a different woman. I do have a two-year-old son with a different woman and I do communicate with the mother of my child seeing as we have 50-50 custody. One weekend I asked the mother of my child to watch our son so I could take C hiking. We got slightly off-topic and she responded that she needed to go hiking in order to lose weight. The mother of my child is deathly skinny and I find it disgusting. Without thinking I replied you do not need to lose weight. But in my mind I meant that in a pretty rude way but it deftly didn't look like that . With my anxiety beginning to hit I would came very scared and didn't tell C about that text and I deleted it. I know honesty is always the best choice but my mind was in a completely different place during this time. She even asked me if I had spoke to the mother of my child that day and I told her no out of fear that I would lose her because of this. My phone apparently took a screenshot of that message and she went through my phone which I was completely OK with and saw the message . That was the first time I had ever lied to her . She for gave me and we move forward .I little farther down the road they attempt to put me on medicine which I am terrified of taking due to the out rages side A little farther down the road they attempt to put me on medicine which I am terrified of taking due to the outrageous side effects. But I'm told it will make me feel better and I take it because I want to be better for C. The side effects hit me very hard and made things a lot worse . My ability to communicate which was already lacking became even worse . My anger became out of control and my memory complete ****. I was very awful to her but I was trapped in my head and couldn't get out. They attempted to switch my medicines and the side effects were even worse on this medication. I began blacking out and missing sections of my day. We were arguing a lot. And I was saying hateful things and sadly don't remember half of it. I began speaking to a family member of mine about my anxiety behind Cs back because I had lost the ability to communicate. And what little I did talk about made me feel like a broken record. C asked me if I spoke to anyone. And I told her no. Even though it was just a family relative I lied for some reason. I stayed the night at my moms house that night. I began speaking to a female friend of mine about some in appropriate things. ( none of which did I try to get with this female friend or anything. Just spoke of past sexual experiences because in my mind still on medication and learning what panic attacks and anxiety was I thought all was lost.) I showed those messages to C and let her see all of it. She for some reason forgave me and I came back home. I spoke to my female friend again and told her that I needed to focus on my and C relationship. This pissed my female friend off and she said some hateful things and so out of anger I deleted the messages. I told C that I hadn't spoken to her because I really wanted to cut things off. And make sure everything was clean and clear... But I lied. Still on medicine and not any farther in understanding anxiety. Well my female friend texted me the next morning and apologized and I got busted for talking to her when I said I didn't. But was able to prove that all I wanted to do was cut things off even though we were only friends to focus on our relationship... She was very angry with me. I don't remember what happened next but I spoke to my ex love and she informed me of the next events. My medicine had been making my life worse than before I started it. And my anger was even more off the charts than ever before. I blacked out and C told me that I pinned her against the wall by her throat for 2 or 3 seconds and let her go looking very confused I walked away and left again. Now I do not have any sympathy for men putting their hands on women. And never in a million years did I ever see myself doing these things. I don't even remember them happening :/. We are separated now and I miss her like crazy. I am off all medicine and have had some time with therapists and psychiatrists and have learned to cope with the anxiety and feel 100 times better than medicine ever made me feel. But she can't not trust me anymore. My anger is back to zero like it was before. And I never lie about anything anymore... I've begged her for another chance. To show her the medicine changed me and anxiety wrecked my life. I miss her so much and it's been months. She has admitted she still loves me but can't trust me. And never will. My heart is broken. I miss the woman of my dreams. And I don't remember our relationship going down hill. I swear I just woke up from a bad dream only to see it has all come true. Talking to her only hurts me more. And knowing she can't be with me tears me apart. So I have recently told her I no longer want to be in contact.. Not because I don't want to speak to her because oh god I do. But my heart can't handle only being her friend. And I know I won't be able to only be her friend. I remind her of the terrible times I caused. She claims she will never trust anyone again and I feel so broken. Whey attempted one relationship after me. She informed me it lasted a week and she spoke of me non stop and couldn't get me off her mind... So in my mind I feel that if I block her number and stop speaking to her. It's the best thing I can do for her.. I can't handle being only her friend. And with me on her mind she will not be able to find a trusting relationship. Is it selfish of me to cut ties? Though I'm doing it because I want her to find happiness? Or should I fight for her some more? I've told her I love her and she knows I do. But half the time she doesn't say it back or reply because she refuses to be hurt again she says.... I'm open to being bashed for what I did. But if anyone thinks I deserve another chance. Or I should keep fighting for her. Or if letting her go is the best thing I can do. Please let me knwo