Ddunfee Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 And he has the audacity to ask me to come over after he makes that statement! I am in utter shock. I appreciate the honesty, but come on, do I look like an idiot? For all the guys reading this, what does that even mean?
introverted1 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I think you know what it means. In a nutshell: He has no interest in taking the relationship any further. He's not in love and never will be. Unless you are into FWB sex, move on. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 He is not committed, and never will be. Well on the bright side, at least he was honest... Now you can make an informed decision with all the facts in front of you. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 It might mean he's scared. Is this the 1st time you have really talked about the future? How old are you? If you are in your early 20s & started dating when you were still teens, it makes perfect sense to me that he can't promise you forever at this point. If you are in your 30s, you now know where you stand so the question is what do you do with that information.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Can you provide a bit of context? Are you in a relationship with this guy? How old are you both? In any case, you now know he isn't thinking about a future together.
KatZee Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Leave now. My ex did the same thing to me after 3 years together. I look back and realized I wasted so many years on someone that never had any intention of taking our relationship to that next level. He said things like, "I'm not ready... but eventually." "What if I'm not ready until I'm 35?" He would throw out minuscule breadcrumbs telling me that if I was patient that I would be greatly rewarded... Please. If he has been with you for three years, and he's saying he can't promise you a future, leave. When a guy wants to marry you, believe me, he knows, and he'll know fairly quickly. It doesn't take someone years and years to know, especially if you guys are mid-twenties or older. I honestly believed that my ex needed to get his stuff together before being engaged. I believed everything he told me. I continued to hang around. Eventually? I got dumped. He proposed to his next girlfriend after dating for 10 months.
Gaeta Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 And he has the audacity to ask me to come over after he makes that statement! I am in utter shock. I appreciate the honesty, but come on, do I look like an idiot? For all the guys reading this, what does that even mean? Why did you wait 3 years to address the future question? In 3 years you 2 never talked about where this was going? 3
CarrieT Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Based on your first post in October, I thought you two had broken up because he couldn't commit back then... What's going on during the holidays that you are still in contact? Seems like it is time to go No Contact.
Author Ddunfee Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Based on your first post in October, I thought you two had broken up because he couldn't commit back then... What's going on during the holidays that you are still in contact? Seems like it is time to go No Contact. I tried the no contact, then I had a death in the immediate family, and he came to me...did all of the funeral stuff with me, we " dated" or saw each other after that for another two months...did the obligatory things that we had already set up...and then I questioned what we were. He met up with an old " friend" of the opposite sex, and I couldn't handle it. And the reason I couldn't handle it was bc he forgot to tell me until after the fact! I have no problems with him having friends of the opposite sex, but I do have a problem with deceit. Of course, it was my fault bc he " knew I wouldn't be able to handle it" but, Not after three years! So we both called everything off before Christmas. I blocked his number and he reached out via email. I just love him, and now, he's finally being honest. But I still just don't get it. He committed to me back in May, and bc I wanted to do things in my own; like purchase a house he get offended! It wasn't my intention to leave him out of things, and I really didn't bc I figured that hen the time came that we'd move in together either I'd sell, or rent and we'd purchase together. And having lost everything during my previous relationship bc everything was in my ex husbands name, I didn't want to make the same mistake. Ever since then things have been stupid!! Edited December 24, 2015 by Ddunfee Forgot to add somethimg
BC1980 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 He is telling you he doesn't want to commit. Of course, he is going to take all the side benefits if you offer them.
BC1980 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I read your other thread, and I have a question. Were you engaged, and he called it off?
stillafool Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I tried the no contact, then I had a death in the immediate family, and he came to me...did all of the funeral stuff with me, we " dated" or saw each other after that for another two months...did the obligatory things that we had already set up...and then I questioned what we were. He met up with an old " friend" of the opposite sex, and I couldn't handle it. And the reason I couldn't handle it was bc he forgot to tell me until after the fact! I have no problems with him having friends of the opposite sex, but I do have a problem with deceit. Of course, it was my fault bc he " knew I wouldn't be able to handle it" but, Not after three years! So we both called everything off before Christmas. I blocked his number and he reached out via email. I just love him, and now, he's finally being honest. But I still just don't get it. He committed to me back in May, and bc I wanted to do things in my own; like purchase a house he get offended! It wasn't my intention to leave him out of things, and I really didn't bc I figured that hen the time came that we'd move in together either I'd sell, or rent and we'd purchase together. And having lost everything during my previous relationship bc everything was in my ex husbands name, I didn't want to make the same mistake. Ever since then things have been stupid!! Tell us how and why he said he can't make any promises for the future.
truth_seeker Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 You're girlfriend material only. He has no intention of marrying you because he's not sold on you. He's actually holding onto you until someone he thinks is better comes along. Break up with him today. 1
truth_seeker Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Leave now. My ex did the same thing to me after 3 years together. I look back and realized I wasted so many years on someone that never had any intention of taking our relationship to that next level. He said things like, "I'm not ready... but eventually." "What if I'm not ready until I'm 35?" He would throw out minuscule breadcrumbs telling me that if I was patient that I would be greatly rewarded... Please. If he has been with you for three years, and he's saying he can't promise you a future, leave. When a guy wants to marry you, believe me, he knows, and he'll know fairly quickly. It doesn't take someone years and years to know, especially if you guys are mid-twenties or older. I honestly believed that my ex needed to get his stuff together before being engaged. I believed everything he told me. I continued to hang around. Eventually? I got dumped. He proposed to his next girlfriend after dating for 10 months. Right. A man knows right away. Any time a man gives excuses it's because he wants to keep his options open. When I see a couple is together more than 2 years and there's no engagement, it tells me one of them doesn't want that commitment. They want to be in a relationship until that next person comes along.
d0nnivain Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I am sorry about the death in your family. Clearly you two are adults. Your relationship already had problems & you broke up before. He's telling you that he's happy enough to date but he's never going to make this permanent. If you are OK with that fine but it doesn't sound like you are. So you need to leave him behind once & for all to go find somebody more compatible who wants what you want. He's a decent guy because he was their for you in your time of need but that doesn't mean you owe him anything.
angel.eyes Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I'm sure this has been really difficult for you. Unfortunately, back in October you told him that the arrangement felt like it was just FWB. He made it clear that he didn't want to offer more. You walked away...and really should have stayed away. It's a dead end arrangement because it's never going to progress beyond what you're getting. Because you're emotionally invested, you're hoping that there might be a chance, especially since he's been nice, supportive, and compassionate. But you need to believe him when he says there's no future. What you see is what you get...nothing more. You're dragging out the inevitable and, in the long run, making this a lot more painful for yourself than it has to be. Please let go. Have faith that someone who is a better fit for you will come along and will want a shared future with you. As long as you keep hanging on to this guy and are emotionally unavailable, that can't happen.
Author Ddunfee Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 I read your other thread, and I have a question. Were you engaged, and he called it off? No, not engaged, he bought me a ring knowing that I wasn't ready to be married, I was very content with the way things were. I don't see way two people can't just remain exclusive without having to be married. I don't/didn't want to date anyone else. He knew that since I receive alimony ( and I needed it until I got back on my feet) that I couldn't get married anyway. I have never asked for any type of ring. But he gave me one and said that he wanted to prove how committed to me he was. And that he knew we had obstacles to over come and that we would do it together. And then just two months later he got stupid.
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 I think he has backed off because you pretty much made it clear you are content as bf/gf to collect alimony. He didn't get stupid, he just had a realization that he wants more than a BF/GF relationship and things are not going to be changing anytime soon, so now he is making it clear to you he feels there is no future. 2
preraph Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 And if you haven't already, do go ahead and buy that house. They're a good investment and as long as you stay within your means, cheaper than renting. Don't ever wait for "the right man" to come along to proceed with your life plans.
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 Tip: If you are going to buy a house, buy one that has a rental suite. It can cut your mortgage payments down to 50 to 80%. 1
Author Ddunfee Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 I think he has backed off because you pretty much made it clear you are content as bf/gf to collect alimony. He didn't get stupid, he just had a realization that he wants more than a BF/GF relationship and things are not going to be changing anytime soon, so now he is making it clear to you he feels there is no future. Just to be clear, he never asked me to marry him. As for the alimony, It's temporary just for me to get on my feet. As for the house, I am renting right now, and I'm paying more than a mortgage, so for me it was a no brainier. Personally I think they were all just excuses on his part. I never said that the home I would've bought would have been a forever home, if I knew that we had a future I wouldn't have had any problem renting it out and starting a life with him. But I was trying to be smart and buy instead of renting.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 I don't really understand what you want from this relationship, OP. You say you don't want to marry, but you're upset that he doesn't see a future with you. What type of future had you envisioned for the two of you? Just remain boyfriend-girlfriend forever? If he eventually wants to marry, then he's right - you don't have a future with each other.
Space Ritual Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 Another example of how the holidays will exacerbate any problem in a relationship. I think he may have used the death in your family in order to press the issue with you on a longer commitment. It is not out of the realm of possibility that is what happened. Perhaps he did all that boyfriend type stuff to gauge if you were feeling vulnerable enough that you would say yes to all of it. You didn't take the bait and he figured 2 months was a long enough investment for you to make a choice. If you did not take the hint, in his mind that was the last straw.And since you did not follow his script, he decided to drop this bomb on you this week. I know that may seem a bit low brow and sophomoric, but from many of the stories i read here on LS, nothing surprises me anymore. People regardless of gender, are capable of some real crappy things under the delusion of self importance. And please keep in mind we men have terribly fragile egos. I'm very sorry this happened to you, but do not waste any more time on him. He just showed you who he really was after 3 years. 1
walkingonair Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 Run! You're wasting your time! I know women that went through something like this. Waiting for him to make a promise is pointless, don't waste your youth on someone who doesn't know what he wants!
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