I made a mistake while drunk (I snapped)

[Cinders]

I made one of the biggest mistake ever, something that I would have never tolerated from him. I know that as I'm writting this, I'm gonna sound like a hypocrite since I've tried reaching out to him twice but he doesn't want to hear from me, which I understand. I lost him for good.

 

3 years ago: When I started dating my bf, a couple days after we became exclusive it was me that brought up the topic of what would be my 2 main deal-breakers, which was getting cheating on or if he ever strike me in anger and went on saying how if he ever did any of those 2 and came knocking on my door with an apology that I would shut the door in his face. I've never been cheated on nor abused but my aunt (mother's younger sister) and two of my friends went through that.

 

He reassured me that none of that would happen and he agree with me on not taking a bf back who did that.

 

Fast foward to last week at my house: Long story short, there was a drunken (well he wasn't that drunk but I was) argument about him spending too much time on work and how his mother sometimes meddles too much in our relationship. It got into a heated argument soon and I was more upset than he. During a couple exchange words, I slapped him hard and started pushing him, calling out f-you. It took me a couple seconds to realize what I was doing, then stopped but this is when he had no interest in talking anymore and said ''I'm not talking to you, it's over'', then left.

 

The 2nd time I tried calling, he quickly reminded me of what I've told him back then, to stop calling else he'll block his number and then ended the call saying ''no apologies remember''. That was my last call. I'm not going to try anymore. I have drank before on birthdays or special occasions but never turned into a bad drunk. I'm still shocked at myself because I have never hit anyone before either.

[almond]

Yeah, you fked up big time.

 

Let him go - respect his decision...it's the right one. Learn from this, and watch your drinking and your temper.

 

Communicate better in future so things don't bottle up and explode like this. Hopefully this is a one off, but if anything like this happens again, I'd suggest therapy straight away.

 

Enjoy your xmas and let the start to the new year be fresh and full of growth for you.

[Cinders]

Thank you Almond. I agree there is no going back after what I did. Even when I realized at that moment, it was over. Other than those two issues I've argument with him, it was a good relationship and several of my family members actually liked him.

 

I'll be with my family later on today. I know a couple of them will probably ask for him though.

[d0nnivain]

Take a deep breath & move forward. You already know what you did & you are aware of the consequences because you set them.

 

 

Tell family members you had a fight. There's no need to go into details.

 

 

Perhaps in a few weeks you can send him a written apology just to clear your own conscious but not designed to get him back. I'm thinking od something along the lines of:

 

I just wanted to let you know I am horrified by my own behavior & heartily sorry for what happened. I can't believe that happened & I am doing a lot of soul searching to assure I never do something like that again. Especially since I set the parameters, I do not expect you to take me back but someday I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. Take care.

 

Then you find a way to forgive yourself.

 

[Wewon]

I'd consider done. Especially since you came down so strong on how you feel about this yourself.

 

This will always be a cloud hanging over any relationship you would have with him.

[stillafool]

I can't help but think if you were a man writing this story people would advise you to get anger management. I think you should get help for your issues and definitely leave alcohol alone because you can't handle it. This was a hard lesson you learned but I can't blame him for ending it with you.

[Diezel]

I can't help but think if you were a man writing this story people would advise you to get anger management. I think you should get help for your issues and definitely leave alcohol alone because you can't handle it. This was a hard lesson you learned but I can't blame him for ending it with you.

 

100% this.

 

And this is exactly what I was going to suggest... man or woman.

The fact that resentment about his job and his mother boiled up to THAT point could very well be an indicator of something worse bubbling underneath the surface.

 

Let your ex go and make sure you deal with whatever you are going through so it doesn't happen again with the next guy.

[d0nnivain]

I can't help but think if you were a man writing this story people would advise you to get anger management. I think you should get help for your issues and definitely leave alcohol alone because you can't handle it. This was a hard lesson you learned but I can't blame him for ending it with you.

 

 

One albeit serious event does not necessarily require anger management. Deep soul searching could be sufficient. A second event anger management & perhaps AA would be in order.

 

 

I do applaud the guy for sticking up for himself & walking away from what has potential to become a bad situation. There are lines that should never be crossed & this is one of them.

 

 

I hit somebody in anger once. Yes there was alcohol involved. He wasn't anybody I was dating but it was a shocking thing even to me. To this day I can't believe I did it. I remember a white hot anger, more intense then I had ever felt. Since that day especially if I have been drinking when I start to feel even so much as annoyed, I immediately stop drinking & remove myself from the source of my upset.

 

 

So OP. .. . it happened. It's not good but if it never happens again, & you learn from this you may be OK but your relationship is toast.

[Glitters]

It could have been avoided if you guys had talked about the problems instead of bottling up and having them come out like this. Lesson learned the hard way, for both of you

[sin miedo]

There is never an excuse for malicious contact in a relationship. Period. I don't care if a woman does it to a man, it doesn't make it any less serious! I'm sorry but you screwed the pooch on this one. Move on and DO NOT do it again!!

[Jellicle Cat]

 

Long story short, there was a drunken (well he wasn't that drunk but I was) argument about him spending too much time on work and how his mother sometimes meddles too much in our relationship. It got into a heated argument soon and I was more upset than he. During a couple exchange words, I slapped him hard and started pushing him, calling out f-you. It took me a couple seconds to realize what I was doing, then stopped but this is when he had no interest in talking anymore and said ''I'm not talking to you, it's over'', then left.

 

I'm surprised that no one mentioned here that perhaps your bf set you up and used this excuse to break up while making you the bad guy. How convenient.

 

Although we all agree about the physical violence issue I can't help but wonder WHY this guy wasn't sympathetic to your complaints. Why wasn't he listening to you?

 

IMO, good riddance to him AND his mother. Methinks you dodged a bullet on this one. Find yourself a man who isn't a mommy's boy.

 

Jelli

[Wewon]

I'm surprised that no one mentioned here that perhaps your bf set you up and used this excuse to break up while making you the bad guy. How convenient.

 

Although we all agree about the physical violence issue I can't help but wonder WHY this guy wasn't sympathetic to your complaints. Why wasn't he listening to you?

 

IMO, good riddance to him AND his mother. Methinks you dodged a bullet on this one. Find yourself a man who isn't a mommy's boy.

 

Jelli

 

There's no excuse for violence in a relationship.

[Jellicle Cat]

There's no excuse for violence in a relationship.

 

You're missing my point. We all agree on the violence issue.

 

There's more to Cinders story than the violence factor. Mr. Mommysboy doesn't need to go to a DV shelter, does he? Say Cinders didn't b!tchslap him but wanted to. So let's just question WHY she wanted to throttle him. I'm just saying that trouble was brewing in this relationship for quite some time. Let's analyze that.

 

Mr. Mommysboy, IMO, was totally dismissing her feelings on two issues she felt very strongly about. Throwing the 'there's no excuse for abuse' line only dismisses and discounts Cinders all over again.

Edited December 25, 2015 by Jellicle Cat

[Wewon]

You're missing my point. We all agree on the violence issue.

 

There's more to Cinders story than the violence factor. Mr. Mommysboy doesn't need to go to a DV shelter, does he? Say Cinders didn't b!tchslap him but wanted to. So let's just question WHY she wanted to throttle him. I'm just saying that trouble was brewing in this relationship for quite some time. Let's analyze that.

 

Mr. Mommysboy, IMO, was totally dismissing her feelings on two issues she felt very strongly about. Throwing the 'there's no excuse for abuse' line only dismisses and discounts Cinders all over again.

 

Reverse the genders, does your argument still stand? Would you question the victim's behavior if it was a woman that was slapped?

 

Again, there's no excuse for violence in a relationship.

[Jellicle Cat]

Reverse the genders, does your argument still stand? Would you question the victim's behavior if it was a woman that was slapped?

 

Again, there's no excuse for violence in a relationship.

 

Sheesh. Like a broken record.

 

If the circumstances were the same, yes. We've established that Cinders crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. So let's stop beating this stick with a dead horse.

 

There was something seriously toxic in Cinder's relationship. In cases of abuse very often the victim resorts to physical violence. VERY often. I studied abuse for over a decade. Trust me, I know my stuff.

 

Cinder might not want to go back to this guy. But if she feels at fault and guilt over what she did she just might do that. I think she really needs to analyze the relationship before even THINKING about going back to that guy.

 

So, one last time, yeah, we all agree that violence is wrong on all accounts. But violence can be a bird of MANY different colors. I'm looking to make sure Cinder is SAFE. I really don't care about Mr. MB. My hunch is that he's abusive. If Cinder responds we'll soon find out.

 

In fact, I'll bet Cinder is celebrating Xmas with him right now and is happy as a clam and Mr. MB is in heaven because she's contrite and he's in control.

 

Abuse is NOT about physical violence. It's all about CONTROL.

 

Jelli

Edited December 25, 2015 by Jellicle Cat

[Shining One]

Sheesh. Like a broken record.

 

If the circumstances were the same, yes. We've established that Cinders crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. So let's stop beating this stick with a dead horse.

 

There was something seriously toxic in Cinder's relationship. In cases of abuse very often the victim resorts to physical violence. VERY often. I studied abuse for over a decade. Trust me, I know my stuff.

 

Cinder might not want to go back to this guy. But if she feels at fault and guilt over what she did she just might do that. I think she really needs to analyze the relationship before even THINKING about going back to that guy.

 

So, one last time, yeah, we all agree that violence is wrong on all accounts. But violence can be a bird of MANY different colors. I'm looking to make sure Cinder is SAFE. I really don't care about Mr. MB. My hunch is that he's abusive. If Cinder responds we'll soon find out.

 

In fact, I'll bet Cinder is celebrating Xmas with him right now and is happy as a clam and Mr. MB is in heaven because she's contrite and he's in control.

 

Abuse is NOT about physical violence. It's all about CONTROL.

 

 

 

Jelli

You're making a lot of assumptions based off of one sentence from the OP.

Long story short, there was a drunken (well he wasn't that drunk but I was) argument about him spending too much time on work and how his mother sometimes meddles too much in our relationship.

This is literally all of the detail we have at this point, yet you're drawing the following conclusions:

• OP's ex-boyfriend is a "Mommysboy"
  
• OP's ex-boyfriend is abusive
  
• OP's ex-boyfriend "tricked" OP into attacking him so he could end the relationship and make the OP the bad guy
  

The logic is lost on me, so please explain the thought process.

[SwordofFlame]

There was something seriously toxic in Cinder's relationship. In cases of abuse very often the victim resorts to physical violence. VERY often. I studied abuse for over a decade. Trust me, I know my stuff.

 

OP made no mention of him abusing her. It just sounds like they disagreed on a couple of matters and she lost her cool.

 

On another note, you're saying in a lot of cases where men physically abuse their wives, it's because the wife was abusing him in some other way?

[WomenWubber]

You're lucky your ex-bf didn't let the situation escalate.

 

I know this hurts a lot, but then again many learning experiences are painful. The good thing is you can turn this into a positive for your future relationships.

 

Have a good Xmas and NY.

[Wewon]

There was something seriously toxic in Cinder's relationship. In cases of abuse very often the victim resorts to physical violence. VERY often. I studied abuse for over a decade. Trust me, I know my stuff.

 

...

 

In fact, I'll bet Cinder is celebrating Xmas with him right now and is happy as a clam and Mr. MB is in heaven because she's contrite and he's in control.

 

Abuse is NOT about physical violence. It's all about CONTROL.

 

Jelli

 

According to your logic we should be more concerned about how Janay Rice was abusing Ray Rice. According to your logic, there was some underlying behavior of Janay Rice that caused her to "trick" Ray Rice into punching her, knocking her unconscious and dragging her limp body out of the elevator.

 

But you know your stuff.

 

I'm sorry, but unlike you, I have no desire to hear the 'why' of Mr. Rice's behavior.

 

There is no excuse for violence in a relationship.

[Cinders]

Just got home and gonna take a shower.

 

No Jellicle Cat, we're broken up. I'm accepting that it's over for good, that I screwed up big time. I ended up spending time with my family and had and a couple of my relatives asked for him. I told them we had an argument and broke up and changed the topic.

[JustGettingBy]

OP, I think you need to define 'meddling", because it seems as if two posters here interpret the word very differently.

[anika99]

Sheesh. Like a broken record.

 

If the circumstances were the same, yes. We've established that Cinders crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. So let's stop beating this stick with a dead horse.

 

There was something seriously toxic in Cinder's relationship. In cases of abuse very often the victim resorts to physical violence. VERY often. I studied abuse for over a decade. Trust me, I know my stuff.

 

Cinder might not want to go back to this guy. But if she feels at fault and guilt over what she did she just might do that. I think she really needs to analyze the relationship before even THINKING about going back to that guy.

 

So, one last time, yeah, we all agree that violence is wrong on all accounts. But violence can be a bird of MANY different colors. I'm looking to make sure Cinder is SAFE. I really don't care about Mr. MB. My hunch is that he's abusive. If Cinder responds we'll soon find out.

 

In fact, I'll bet Cinder is celebrating Xmas with him right now and is happy as a clam and Mr. MB is in heaven because she's contrite and he's in control.

 

Abuse is NOT about physical violence. It's all about CONTROL.

 

Jelli

 

I don't disagree that sometimes the victim of abuse can lash out violently but the OP did not give us enough information for you to assume that this is her situation. The OP told us that she argued with her BF over his meddling mother which escalated into her physically attacking him and from that tiny bit of info you start spewing insults and accusations at the BF? I don't believe for a second that if the op was a male and said he physically attacked his gf over her meddling mother that your response would have been the same. Your over the top assumptions and replies give me the impression that your default position is to blame the man always. Or do you really tell female abuse victims that they caused their own abuse and that they are probably abusers themselves? And then call them names like "a little momma's girl"?

[Jellicle Cat]

Just got home and gonna take a shower.

 

No Jellicle Cat, we're broken up. I'm accepting that it's over for good, that I screwed up big time. I ended up spending time with my family and had and a couple of my relatives asked for him. I told them we had an argument and broke up and changed the topic.

 

Ok. That's good.

 

Could you give more detail as to what happened in the argument? I mean, this is your thread and you don't have to continue if you don't want but I'm curious about the dynamic of your relationship. I saw many red flags in just the little you said about the incident. And one major red flag is when an abusive person will sabotage the holidays. Did you have any arguments in the past that coincided with birthdays or holidays? Again, you don't have to answer.

 

Jelli

[Jellicle Cat]

I don't believe for a second that if the op was a male and said he physically attacked his gf over her meddling mother that your response would have been the same. Your over the top assumptions and replies give me the impression that your default position is to blame the man always. Or do you really tell female abuse victims that they caused their own abuse and that they are probably abusers themselves? And then call them names like "a little momma's girl"?

 

No. I don't automatically blame the man but most often the abuser in a relationship is the male. But if you want to find out who's the abuser just look for the one who is the controller. Abuse is all about control. There are women who are ghastly abusers and they're usually so much worse because they tend to resort to covert tactics. But men who are abused most often don't have a clue they're being abused and it's rare that they'll look for help.

[Jellicle Cat]

You're making a lot of assumptions based off of one sentence from the OP.This is literally all of the detail we have at this point, yet you're drawing the following conclusions:

• OP's ex-boyfriend is a "Mommysboy"
  
• OP's ex-boyfriend is abusive
  
• OP's ex-boyfriend "tricked" OP into attacking him so he could end the relationship and make the OP the bad guy
  

The logic is lost on me, so please explain the thought process.

 

The logic is pure conjecture. I'd like more information. Something was seriously wrong in the relationship to begin with in order for Cinders to go off her nut and do the one thing that is an absolute deal breaker for her.

 

The assault ended the relationship. But I think it was merely the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Jelli