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MAJOR red flags just 5 days into the relationship. Is she bipolar?


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Posted
I couldn't agree more with your comment. Him being obsessed trying to give her a diagnosis is weird.

 

I don't even know who's the craziest here, if him or her :/

 

Lol um I am just trying to make sense of why she acts the way she does. Yeah ok I'm crazier than the person who had cops escort her out of her Finals and I'm crazier than the person who tried breaking the window with a chair because she didn't studied and wanted to extend or stall so she could study some more. I'm crazier than the person who insisted she dropped by at 6:30 AM when we agreed on 9:30 the night before. And threw a hissy fit when I said let's stick to the original plan. Etc.

 

Yeah I'm crazier than her all right... :rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Posted
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I think this is a case of I know what to do, but just needed some external nudging to confirm my predetermined stance. I'm breaking it off with her tomorrow, and I'm going to be very nice and gentle about it. As much as I can. Something about compatibility. Or a lack thereof. This is going to be one of the hardest phone calls I'll ever make.

 

I saw the red flags early on. Unemployed. Broke. In debt. Still shopping online like crazy despite the debt, and a bunch of highly questionable behavior that I won't get into detail here.

 

I think I will deactivate my FB for a month or so. Go silent and pray she just accepts this with some grace and forgets about me. On the bright side, it's only been 5 days.

 

PS- BPD... I think she likely has that. She cries in and out and gets "real happy" like nothing ever happened. Actually, the more I think about it, the creepier it is. I really pray she doesn't try to stalk me in any way.

 

EDIT: She has a long history of people walking out of her life, and people leaving her high and dry. Her extreme behavior pushes people away. If not immediately, then eventually.

 

As for why I've been single for 11+ years... it certainly wasn't for a lack of trying. I've asked out many girls since 2005, but had no bites. The ones I didn't like liked me, but I wasn't going to date someone I felt lukewarm about. This girl was the first girl I actually liked and that liked me back in 11 years.

 

so now YOU do admit there was elements of desperation? desperation will always get you no where. People can sniff it a mile off. They've sniffed it off of me and I've sniffed it on other people.

Posted

kind of gutted that it didn't work out for you and that she was unfortunately a bit cray-cray. It would have been like spring water for you in an otherwise thirsty soul. But I would suggest to continue trying and continuing to put yourself out there. You don't need to "work on yourself" after a 11 years you would have done all the work required independently. Just keep, keep dating! and next time don't talk about marriage so soon after date one.

Posted
::eyeroll::

 

What is with you guys from Oregon?

 

There was another dude from Oregon on this board who was recently banned for making such sexist and misogynistic remarks.

 

Newsflash -- no, there is not *almost always* some level of crazy when dating sexy single women.

 

Not to mention, sexy single women do not have the market cornered on crazy.

 

Crazy comes in all shapes and sizes ....both women AND men!

 

I agree. There are crazy guys too of course.

 

But bpd bi polar hpd and other types of disorders primarily affect women. Sure. Some men have it too.

 

And the problem is that when you are a single guy, so often most girls you meet have one of these. So it becomes tiring.

 

Many of the sexy women who do not have a disorder are in relationships or married. So generally single guys do not come across one of these women unless the timing is absolutely perfect.

 

I Dated 3 of these girls this year. Different ages. Different places.

 

1. Wanted to have my kids on the first date.

2 another wanted to move in after 3 dates and became violent when I said I wasn't ready

3. The most recent "loved me so much" immediately but found out she was doing the same with many men.

 

So yes , many of these women are out there dating many men. It isn't that rare to come across one. Op did well.

Posted

Did you ignore her last texts when she said she is hurt? I just want to add that it's not nice to ignore a girl you've been dating eve for few days. She did you no harm. You can spend few minutes to end it nicely even if it takes some more texts...

Posted
I agree. There are crazy guys too of course.

 

But bpd bi polar hpd and other types of disorders primarily affect women. Sure. Some men have it too.

 

And the problem is that when you are a single guy, so often most girls you meet have one of these. So it becomes tiring.

 

Many of the sexy women who do not have a disorder are in relationships or married. So generally single guys do not come across one of these women unless the timing is absolutely perfect.

 

I Dated 3 of these girls this year. Different ages. Different places.

 

1. Wanted to have my kids on the first date.

2 another wanted to move in after 3 dates and became violent when I said I wasn't ready

3. The most recent "loved me so much" immediately but found out she was doing the same with many men.

 

So yes , many of these women are out there dating many men. It isn't that rare to come across one. Op did well.

 

Well I just ended a six year relationship and am now single.. and sexy!...lol ....and I hope that when I am ready to start dating again, men don't make such false assumptions about me!

Posted
Well I just ended a six year relationship and am now single.. and sexy!...lol ....and I hope that when I am ready to start dating again, men don't make such false assumptions about me!

 

Haha. I doubt they will. It's just much harder to come across. Or in your case you might not be "ready for a relationship " because you just existed one.

Posted
I agree. There are crazy guys too of course.

 

But bpd bi polar hpd and other types of disorders primarily affect women. Sure. Some men have it too.

 

And the problem is that when you are a single guy, so often most girls you meet have one of these. So it becomes tiring.

 

Many of the sexy women who do not have a disorder are in relationships or married. So generally single guys do not come across one of these women unless the timing is absolutely perfect.

 

I Dated 3 of these girls this year. Different ages. Different places.

 

1. Wanted to have my kids on the first date.

2 another wanted to move in after 3 dates and became violent when I said I wasn't ready

3. The most recent "loved me so much" immediately but found out she was doing the same with many men.

 

So yes , many of these women are out there dating many men. It isn't that rare to come across one. Op did well.

 

My friend went out for a guy who had Borderline Personality Disorder. It almost killed her. She had a mental illness of her own, she needed to look after herself and couldn't look after someone who use to complain of having it " so much worse than she did".

 

He use to demand that they were married immediately. When I say demand, like after 2 months of dating he wanted to move in and get married. He would manipulatively say " if you loved me you would marry me".

 

He had no emotional skin it was like he wanted to be mothered and pampered. If she went out with her friends he would cry and throw a hissy fit. Once she went out with her friends and he attempted to slit his wrists.

 

He build a cat house for his cat outside her house because he did not want the cat to interfere with the relationship and that the cat should be outside.

 

I mean for goodness sake! he got jealous over a cat!

 

the level of control and manipulation grew stronger. Anger, hissy fits, demands and ultimatums.

 

You did the right one in breaking this off now. If you slept with her and then left her who knows what she would have done. By then she would have been attached to you and demanded more of your time and energy.

 

Even sane people become slightly insane after dealing with BPD. My friend took two years to recover after her ex it is only know that she has found parts of her that she thought had died from her previous partner.

  • Like 1
Posted
::eyeroll::

 

What is with you guys from Oregon?

 

There was another dude from Oregon on this board who was recently banned for making such sexist and misogynistic remarks.

 

Newsflash -- no, there is not *almost always* some level of crazy when dating sexy single women.

 

Not to mention, sexy single women do not have the market cornered on crazy.

 

Crazy comes in all shapes and sizes ....both women AND men!

 

Thank you for pointing out the elephant in the room:)

 

Oregon ...not sure with whom you're hanging with but this doesn't describe almost all the woman I know ...but there are always a few. Unfortunately, OP ran into one ... And it seems she'll try to make it work with anyone who'll say yes ... Therein lies the danger OP ...you must have a discerning eye, mind, heart and not a too eager one.

  • Like 1
Posted

 

Even sane people become slightly insane after dealing with BPD. My friend took two years to recover after her ex it is only know that she has found parts of her that she thought had died from her previous partner.

 

This is true.

 

Many bpd do not even show their bad side so quickly. They are just immediately your perfect "soul mate " of sorts. This is what makes it hard to leave when it does get crazy. Op is lucky his girl acted out rather quickly, no matter what she might have.

  • Author
Posted
Did you ignore her last texts when she said she is hurt? I just want to add that it's not nice to ignore a girl you've been dating eve for few days. She did you no harm. You can spend few minutes to end it nicely even if it takes some more texts...

 

Of course I didn't ignore those texts. I responded that she didn't need to apologize and that it wasn't her fault. I said I lack common sense (which is true and something I need to work on) and that she needs someone with more common sense than me. She hasn't contacted me since.

 

A mutual friend texted me last night to tell me she called him to cry about our breakup. He said she sounded in rough shape but that's to be expected when one is dumped. He said she said she knew we weren't the best of matches but she was attached to me.

 

Finally I admit I was desperate and need to work on that going forward. Oddly, I feel compelled to see how she's doing but I know better. Yup, I was lucky her irrational behavior showed up early in the dating stages. I can see how one can become attached after a few months and then it becomes harder to throw everything away.

Posted

It's hard to not be desperate after a long drought. But you can be desperate even in a relationship. That's when things mistrust, doubt, shame and fear enters in.

 

There is much debate; Is it better to be single for a long ass time than to be in a short term but highly volatile and abusive relationship?

 

Some would choose the later but I think you know what the truth is. You may have been single for a long time and the thrill of a whirlwind relationship/romance can leave your euphoric and high. But with people like how you've described your ex ( if you can call her that) the high is followed with a all time low when you realize that person is dangerous and highly toxic.

 

Good luck with finding the right mate and making a better choice next time.

And for pete's sake, SLOOOOOOWWWW DOOWWWWN next time.

Posted (edited)
Bpd bipolar hpd and other types of disorders primarily affect women. Sure. Some men have it too.
No, with respect to BPD, prevalence is now believed to be the same for both genders. This is the result of the only large-scale, randomized, study ever done on BPD -- in which nearly 35,000 American adults were examined in face-to-face interviews. See 2008 Study in JCP.

 

Likewise, the prevalence of bipolar is now believed to be the same for both genders. This meta-study concludes:

In the case of bipolar disorder, however, it is widely perceived that the reported equal rate of illness in men and women reflects no important gender distinctions. In this paper we review the literature on gender differences in bipolar illness and attempt to summarize what is known and what requires further study.... Most studies, but not all, report an almost equal gender ratio in the prevalence of bipolar disorder. See
.

Similarly, the prevalence of Histrionic PD is the same for both genders. A large-scale, ranomized, American study found no significant gender differences in the prevalence of HPD. That study concludes:

Overall, 14.79% of adult Americans... had at least 1 personality disorder.... The risk of avoidant, dependent, and paranoid personality disorders was significantly greater among women than men (p <.05); the risk of antisocial personality disorder was greater among men compared with women (p <.05); and
no sex differences were observed in the risk of obsessive-compulsive, schizoid, or histrionic personality disorders
. See
.

There are crazy guys too of course.
The people suffering from BPD, bipolar, and HPD are not "crazy" in any meaningful sense because they generally see physical reality just fine -- e.g., they realize that the TV news anchor is not speaking to them personally. Granted, some of these people may temporarily slip into psychosis or "craziness" when they are under enormous stress -- but that is true for all of us. It only takes a tiny change in body chemistry or prolonged, great stress to send any one of us over the edge. Edited by Downtown
  • Like 3
Posted
No, with respect to BPD, prevalence is now believed to be the same for both genders. This is the result of the only large-scale, randomized, study ever done on BPD -- in which nearly 35,000 American adults were examined in face-to-face interviews. See 2008 Study in JCP.

 

Likewise, the prevalence of bipolar is now believed to be the same for both genders. This meta-study concludes:

In the case of bipolar disorder, however, it is widely perceived that the reported equal rate of illness in men and women reflects no important gender distinctions. In this paper we review the literature on gender differences in bipolar illness and attempt to summarize what is known and what requires further study.... Most studies, but not all, report an almost equal gender ratio in the prevalence of bipolar disorder. See
.

Similarly, the prevalence of Histrionic PD is the same for both genders. A large-scale, ranomized, American study found no significant gender differences in the prevalence of HPD. That study concludes:

Overall, 14.79% of adult Americans... had at least 1 personality disorder.... The risk of avoidant, dependent, and paranoid personality disorders was significantly greater among women than men (p <.05); the risk of antisocial personality disorder was greater among men compared with women (p <.05); and
no sex differences were observed in the risk of obsessive-compulsive, schizoid, or histrionic personality disorders
. See
.

The people suffering from BPD, bipolar, and HPD are not "crazy" in any meaningful sense because they generally see physical reality just fine -- e.g., they realize that the TV news anchor is not speaking to them personally. Granted, some of these people may temporarily slip into psychosis or "craziness" when they are under enormous stress -- but that is true for all of us. It only takes a tiny change in body chemistry or prolonged, great stress to send any one of us over the edge.

 

Odd, every single site devoted to BPD clearly points out it affects women far more..

 

 

Why Borderline Personality Disorder Is More Common in Women - Borderline Personality Treatment | Borderline Personality Treatment

 

Why Borderline Personality Disorder Is More Common in Women

 

by clearviewtreatment in BPD Symptoms

 

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), about 75 percent of people who are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are women. There are a lot of theories about why this might be.

Posted
Of course I didn't ignore those texts. I responded that she didn't need to apologize and that it wasn't her fault. I said I lack common sense (which is true and something I need to work on) and that she needs someone with more common sense than me. She hasn't contacted me since.

 

A mutual friend texted me last night to tell me she called him to cry about our breakup. He said she sounded in rough shape but that's to be expected when one is dumped. He said she said she knew we weren't the best of matches but she was attached to me.

 

Finally I admit I was desperate and need to work on that going forward. Oddly, I feel compelled to see how she's doing but I know better. Yup, I was lucky her irrational behavior showed up early in the dating stages. I can see how one can become attached after a few months and then it becomes harder to throw everything away.

 

 

I know the feeling of messing with a crazy girl. I had one break into my car after an argument once and then hide with a steak knife in the back seat and she put it to my throat when I got in the car and demanded I drive to a secluded area. I talked my way out of it but she came back a couple of weeks later and tried to run me over with a Pontiac Bonneville. She was incredibly hot and for awhile I was willing to overlook some of her violent tendencies solely because the sex was incredible. I liked to live a bit dangerously back then but I wasn't going to get flattened by a General Motors product over not wanting to bang a crazy chick anymore.

 

If you have pets that are outdoors I suggest you give them to somebody you can trust for awhile. You don't want to find your Bunny Rabbit being Boiled on your stove when you come home some night after work.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

For you guys who tend to lose all common sense when involved with a *crazy* chick, and you stay cuz she is "hot" and gives *good sex*, google Jodi Arias.

 

Nuff said.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 3
Posted (edited)
Odd, every single site devoted to BPD clearly points out it affects women far more.
Significantly, the three websites you cite make that bold claim but fail to reference any scholarly study. If they had bothered to support their false claim, you would have seen that their claimed figures are based on old studies, all of which were derived from clinical studies. That is, they were based solely on the BPDers who chose to seek help at a hospital or clinic. Because women are more willing to seek professional help than men -- for all types of disorders -- this difference misleadingly biased the results in favor of women having a higher prevalence of BPD.

 

The other problem with those old figures -- i.e., those preceding the large-scale study results published in 2005 and 2008 -- is that the vast majority of BPDers never show up at the clinics and hospitals. Hence, until that randomized study was done, ALL of the BPD studies had excluded at least two-thirds (and perhaps three-fourths) of the BPDers. This is why the previous estimates of BPD lifetime prevalence (1.5% to 2.0%) greatly increased (to 5.9%) when the large-scale American study was completed in 2008. That study of nearly 35,000 adults was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), which spends more money funding mental health research than any other organization in the world.

 

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), about 75 percent of people who are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are women.
The DSM-IV was published in 1994 and its claim was based on the old clinical studies available at that time. It has since been replaced by the DSM-5. Edited by Downtown
  • Like 1
Posted

So she can't take a joke and is overly attached/clingy/sensitive. Sounds like a few girls I dated in high school. At 30 years old she has some issues she needs to see a therapist or two about. I'd back off as soon as possible.

  • Author
Posted

OK guys, I have a bit of a "dilemma" here.

 

She texted me this morning that she wants me to return the hamster I bought her on Wednesday. Yes, I foolishly bought her a cage and a hamster. She doesn't want to keep it as she thought we would be taking care of it for the next 2 years. Now that we're done as a couple, she can't stand to take care of the hamster on her own. The problem is, it's on my credit card so I'd have to be the one who returns it. Yeah, I could say "screw it you do whatever you want with it but I ain't picking it up" but I don't want to be a jerk and say that.

 

The problem is, she asked me on text today if I still love her. I said "Right now I just see you as a friend." She responded "That's hurtful." A minute later she wrote "Just come by tomorrow."

 

Naturally, my paranoia is kicking in right about now and I'm afraid of a worst case scenario (i.e. Jodi Arias, google it if you don't know who she is). I really don't know if she has something malicious planned or not. I doubt she has a gun or anything... plus she lives with her parents and some housemates. I doubt she'd shoot me. Unless she's planning to commit suicide which then changes the rules of the game to "anything can happen."

 

Maybe she'll try to stab me or something. At any rate, here's my plan as of now:

 

1. Bring a guy friend with me

2. Park in her driveway

3. Have my guy friend stay in the car ready to help if needed

4. Do NOT enter her house

5. Pick up the hamster cage and receipt and everything else by her front door

6. Text her when I'm there to open up the door and oh, BTW, my friend is here because we're hanging out for the day. i.e. I want her to know I have a witness in case she's even thinking of doing something funny

 

Any other tips?

 

I might sound like I'm being way too overly dramatic, but you just never know. Now she knows I just see her as a friend and that a romantic relationship in the future is highly unlikely, might that cause her to snap and realize "I got nothing to lose so I might as well take him down with me" sort of thing... I'm just trying to cover my bases and mitigate any possible issues.

 

And yes, I really do want to pick up the hamster and think I have no choice. If I don't, it may cause more harm than if I did pick it up and get any trace of connection she may hold over me completely out the window. I also don't want the animal to be neglected or harmed.

 

Again, I'm not saying she's crazy or that she'll do anything unstable such as hurt me or the animal, but better safe than sorry right?

 

If anyone has any tips or any words of caution about coming to her house tomorrow to pick up the hamster, please let me know. In fact, I'm almost considering going to the police station to explain to them what's going on and where I'll be tomorrow in case they want to have it on file or in mind. Now I know that sounds super dramatic, but I live by a police station that I've done my fingerprints at before and it's super quiet and lowkey. Figured it might not hurt to stop by and explain my situation to them. I don't know if they would even consider sending one of their guys to tail me tomorrow. Highly unlikely, but that sort of protection would definitely make this a whole lot easier.

 

Again, I highly doubt she'll try anything to harm me, but you never know, right?

Posted (edited)

Naturally, my paranoia is kicking in right about now and I'm afraid of a worst case scenario (i.e. Jodi Arias, google it if you don't know who she is). I really don't know if she has something malicious planned or not. I doubt she has a gun or anything... plus she lives with her parents and some housemates. I doubt she'd shoot me. Unless she's planning to commit suicide which then changes the rules of the game to "anything can happen."

 

You're being a bit of a drama king now - I'm going to personally promise you that you aren't going to get stabbed or shot. Just go get the hamster and have done with this :) And don't buy pets for people again - that's why a lot of pets are unwanted/neglected/abused - the owner didn't really want them.

Edited by lollipopspot
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  • Author
Posted
You're being a bit of a drama queen now - I'm going to personally promise you that you aren't going to get stabbed or shot. Just go get the hamster and have done with this :) And don't buy pets for people again - that's why a lot of pets are unwanted/neglected/abused - the owner didn't really want them.

 

 

Haha I know -- 99% chance that I'm just being a drama king about this. Still, that 1% chance is something you can't help but have in the back of your head. I just don't like how she asked me "Can I ask you one more thing? Do you still love me?"

 

When she found out no, she said it hurt her and "come by tomorrow." I'd be much less inclined to think the worst if she never asked me that question "Do you still love me/will we ever get back together again?"

 

Because in her mind, right now, I'm as good as gone. I hold no value to her anymore. So yeah.

 

I'll try to not be too paranoid though, lol.

Posted

Well, you're very clearly NOT even seeing her as a friend so you should probs start enforcing much stronger boundaries, especially if you have zero intentions of seeing her again (as you should, for both your sakes).

 

Do not engage with her, other than to give her a time and place for you to pick up the hamster. Why can't you meet somewhete local to you both that isn't her house, for instance? Bring a friend if you think it'll make you feel better and help alleviate this paranoid rush of yours.

 

I really think you should take stock of both your behaviours at this point - hers and yours. And please refrain from psychoanalysing someone who, for all intents and purposes, is a near stranger to you.

  • Like 2
Posted
Haha I know -- 99% chance that I'm just being a drama king about this. Still, that 1% chance is something you can't help but have in the back of your head. I just don't like how she asked me "Can I ask you one more thing? Do you still love me?"

 

You're psyching yourself up by reading about mental illness and thinking about all the terrible things that can happen and major news stories. Stop doing that. There's not even a 1% chance your fears will come true. You think there's a 1/100 chance that someone's going to die or get seriously injured in this exchange? You have a vastly bigger chance of getting in a car accident on the way over.

 

Y'all had expressed love and interest in marriage over a whirlwind weekend. I don't remember all of the details of the story, but she's probably confused that you turned the tables so quickly, hence the question. She's not seeing that you think she's mentally ill.

  • Like 2
Posted

Rome wasn't built in a day, relantionships are not built in 5 days.

 

The woman has issues yes, but WHO died and made everyone on these here pages a shrink?!

Jaysus! One could argue a man who hasn't been in a relationship for 11 years has some issues of his own. Don't be so quick to put the 'crazy' label on this gurl.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
Do not engage with her, other than to give her a time and place for you to pick up the hamster. Why can't you meet somewhete local to you both that isn't her house, for instance? Bring a friend if you think it'll make you feel better and help alleviate this paranoid rush of yours.

 

I could ask her to meet up at a local coffee shop.

I have a feeling she'll just ignore it and say "Just meet at my house it's easier" so I didn't bother asking.

 

Maybe I will ask tomorrow though.

 

Also, I am taking stock of my own behavior right now. I realize this whole situation isn't all on her. I had a hand in it, too. A combination of my lack of experience combined with an over eagerness to find a connection/relationship led to this.

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