Teknoe Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I guess maybe this is a case of "easy come, easy go" and "if it's too good to be true..." My fear is she has a bipolar personality but far worse than that is she seems to be in denial of said condition. So I posted a topic here recently that I entered my first relationship after an 11 year drought. I was happy to find someone I liked and vice versa for the first time in nearly a dozen years. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were just awesome days. We met and kissed on Friday. Saturday we hung out all day and Sunday as well. The first red flag cropped up late Sunday night, however. At the time it didn't seem like a red flag, as I figured commitment is a good thing right? Plus, she's 30 and I'm 32; we're not young puppies anymore and maybe it's normal-ish for new couples in their early 30s to do this. She brought up the topic of MARRIAGE and I honestly was happy and on board. Even though it only been 72 hours since we met, I felt such a strong connection to her and the idea of marrying her in late 2017 was very appealing indeed. However, looking back in hindsight, I see what a red flag this truly was. The second red flag came the following day, Monday. It was like I met a completely different person. Remember the trailer to The Perfect Guy, where the guy seems all perfect in the beginning but then he snaps at the gas station? To a lesser degree it feels like my relationship with this girl is a female version of "The Perfect Guy." And I'll tell you why. I came to her place Monday and she grabbed my phone to check my texts. She saw two texts I sent to two platonic female friends showing them her picture and letting them know that I met a really cool girl over the weekend. She got offended (I was surprised by this reaction, if anything I would have thought she would have been proud or humbled). She flipped off, going "Maybe you should leave. Maybe this isn't going to work out. You didn't even ask for my permission whether you could share my photo with them or not. I feel like my privacy has been invaded." I was like whoa. Cooler heads prevailed and I ended up staying and we hung out the rest of the day. Later that night she initiated a 3-way text between me, her and a mutual friend we also met Friday night. The guy friend and I kind of teased her through the text messages. All in good fun. For example she was late to our Friday night outing, I said 30 minutes, he said more like 50 and we both did the "lol :P" thing as to signify that it was all in good natured fun. She then sent me a private text saying "Why should I be with someone who lacks common sense? I don't appreciate you and him throwing me under the bus like that." I was taken aback. I told her it was just a joke but she refused to see it as such and said "It was malicious. It's enough for me to end this now." Cooler heads prevailed and we went on having fun. Then today... this might be the final straw. We were out together and I asked her if she wanted to come home to meet my parents. She said yes. Then her mom called her to let her know her 75 year old dad just got admitted into emergency care. She hung up and was like "So, when do we go to your parents' place?" I was like "....... um, shouldn't you go visit your father instead?" "Nope, he'll be OK." "Um, he's 75 and in emergency care. I wouldn't feel comfortable with you meeting my parents when that can wait." She then got upset and said "Look, he's OK, OK?! He's been to the emergency room before a couple times in the past year. He'll be fine. I believe it. But right now we need to go see your parents." "Um..." And then she kept defending her decision and got really upset. It was a little scary, but moreso disturbing. She's got to have some kind of mental illness or something. She said she made plans to meet my parents and can't cancel them. I told her "Yeah, but sometimes life throws us a curveball and we have to go with priorities." She refused to see it from my point of view. She wanted to drive on the freeway but I refused to let her seeing as how flustered she was. She finally relented and let me drive. The ride to my parents' was awkward. I avoided eye contact with her as she pleaded for me to understand and forgive her. And to say that I'm cool with everything. And that she needed me to say it was OK for her to feel OK. I seriously felt like I was sitting next to someone with serious mental issues. It scared me. There's no way I can marry her or start a family with someone so unstable and ready to flip out at the drop of a hat when things don't go her way. My guess is she's bipolar. So my options are: A. Ignore the red flags and date her still. Despite her red flags, when she's "normal" she's quite a blast to be around. B. End it now and tell her in person that this just isn't going to work out long term. Never speak to her again. C. Still date her but slow down and let her know she needs to get tested for her mental health. I want to help her. D. Quit dating but offer to stick around as a friend and help her through her struggles (i.e. maybe walk her through the process of getting tested to see if she is bipolar, etc.) There's actually a bit more to the story than this. I just can't type everything up. But some signs she's shown me includes: -Instant crying over very small things -Extremely insecure -Low self esteem -Verbally puts her own self down -Victim mentality -Can't adapt and change plans -Makes bad decisions constantly; lacks a sense priority and focus -Admitted that her previous BF broke up with her and cited "You're not tactful" as a driving reason She is 30, finishing up the last semester of school, and unemployed. And broke. I think I better end this. The sooner, the better. I was blinded by the fact that I do find her attractive, that it's been 11 years and that the first two days or so felt like something out of a "coming-of-age" movie. In the cold light of day though, I know I need to be wise and avoid this ticking time bomb. I guess I owe it to her to break up in person. I said yes to attending her family Christmas party. Not sure if I should back out now or go and tell her the news then. Gosh, what a crappy situation this has turned out to be Sucks, as I really wanted this to work and thought after the weekend that maybe I finally caught a lucky break... back to square one now, I guess. This is turning out to be a Hollywood drama... I don't think she's crazy or anything, but something is definitely "off" with her.
RecentChange Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I haven't see that much crazy in 10 years with someone let alone a week. Are you really that desperate? R U N 14
Els Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Whoooaaa. I admit I didn't read the whole post, because I was already cringing before I was halfway through. I don't know what's wrong with her, not our place to diagnose her, and the diagnosis really doesn't matter honestly. Dude, run. And the next time someone talks about getting married after knowing you for less than a weekend... run before all the other stuff shows up. 8
Author Teknoe Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 I haven't see that much crazy in 10 years with someone let alone a week. Are you really that desperate? R U N You're right. I need to run. Should I break up through phone call or in person? What scares me though is she knows my: -work address -home address -Facebook FB is easy as I can defriend her before I break up with her. (I wouldn't trust her to NOT write something crazy on my wall). But a little scared that she knows where I live and work. Trying to think of the nicest way to let her down and not have her become vindictive.
TunaCat Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Absolutely RUN. About you sharing her photo with your friends, some girls are very private about their romantic life. So I would have asked her before you shared her pics with your friends. Also, the family thing would have definitely been the last straw. If someone in my family was rushed to the hospital, no WAY would I want to be anywhere but with my OWN family. Meeting a new significant other's family would absolutely have to wait. Early on in the relationship, I won't prioritize someone else's family over my own. 3
RecentChange Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Duuuuuude really, she knows WHERE you work. Man this sucks. Because I would have ghosted her hahahaha I don't know, start brain storming some "its me, not you" stories. I would do it over the phone...its not like this person has given you years and you really owe them. But I am a wuss when it comes to confronting crazy! 1
lollipopspot Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 That's not enough info for me to know if the emergency room thing is a problem. Not everything that goes to the emergency room is life threatening or all that serious, or it may be some chronic or repeating thing he has not yet controlled that he has handled there. 1
Els Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 That's not enough info for me to know if the emergency room thing is a problem. Not everything that goes to the emergency room is life threatening or all that serious, or it may be some chronic thing he has that he goes in and has handled there. You have got to be kidding me. Unless the OP heard wrongly, the father was admitted - you don't just get admitted for a papercut. You can show up at the ER for a papercut all you like, the medical professionals will triage you and decide whether to admit you or not. Only reasonably serious cases get admitted through the ER. If an immediate family member is admitted to the hospital, pretty much any reasonable person will cancel their plans and go to the hospital. "Not life threatening" is not really an excuse. 1
StBreton Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 So my options are: A. Ignore the red flags and date her still. Despite her red flags, when she's "normal" she's quite a blast to be around. A lot of pain for the "normal but a blast" period. I foresee many hours on LS asking advice during the bad times...which I foresee increasing. B. End it now and tell her in person that this just isn't going to work out long term. Never speak to her again. End it in person? So she can flip out on you? Have 911 on speed dial. And don't get caught up in a "suicide" threat situation...call 911 if this she does this or contact this girl's mom for her to handle. This girl has bunny boiler written all over her. C. Still date her but slow down and let her know she needs to get tested for her mental health. I want to help her. Refer to number 1 D. Quit dating but offer to stick around as a friend and help her through her struggles (i.e. maybe walk her through the process of getting tested to see if she is bipolar, etc.) Explain the situation to her mom and have her mom deal with it. Otherwise...you risk becoming co-dependent...this girl is not your project...unless youhave a hero complex. If I had come upon someone like this, I would have been grateful to end that first weekend then not contacted the person again. That's just too crazy for me. Good luck with whatever you do OP. Hope you find happiness. 3
hippychick3 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 B is your only option if you want to keep your sanity. RUN like you've never run before. 3
Glass Hut Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I'd wait until I at least had sex with her a few times but that's only because I'm surrounded by other people having sex and I need to get laid really badly.
craw Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 If it makes you feel any better, there's no way you could ever help her. If a person can only change if they want to. Although it's sweet that you wanted to. I'm glad you're also not an ******* to "ghost" someone. If you can prevent it, please do - because it's a ****ty experience.
StBreton Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Since she knows about your Facebook, how about deactivating your account for a month...in case she can see your friends or any other info. I don't know how FB works but whatever you can do as far as damage control, do it. As far as home, how about setting up a camera. If you see her around your house, send a letter to her telling her to stay away. If she still comes around, go to court to obtain a restraining order. Same for work. Absolutely tell her via text that "it's not you, it's me...I'm going through some really bad stuff with work" or whatever. Why is this girl the first one in 12 years with whom you've felt an attraction? Is it because she came on so strong in a really great way? I guess BPD people do that. There's a guy on this forum named Downtown who knows a lot about BPD ... has lots of threads with information. Do a search for Borderline Personality Disorder ... I think he has info on BiPolar as well. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 You need to get out of it. I'm sorry. And also sorry but I have to say - this is an example of why we don't get into an actual relationship until we get to know a person and how they behave, it takes more than one date! So blame yourself, and get away - and next time take it a little slow! 2
NopeNah Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Don't end it in person,unless you want to get stabbed! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Come on, OP. You know this is bad news. It's way too much drama for someone who is virtually a stranger. Those are huge red flags and you'd be foolish to overlook them. To me, it doesn't sound like Bi-Polar. It sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder. My ex suffered from this condition, and let me tell you, it is extremely difficult to deal with. If she in fact suffers from BPD (and it's very hard to say, since you barely know her) you are seeing the tip of the iceberg now and it does not get better without long-term, sustained treatment. Many never seek treatment at all. Let me tell you, I am still dealing with the fallout of that relationship nearly 2 years after it ended. I would walk away. Don't put yourself through this for someone you just met. You're only 32; you are still young and have lots of time to find a partner. 5
Els Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 and next time take it a little slow! Yeah, probably not a great idea to invite them to meet your family when you've only known them for less than a week, too. And I agree with StBreton - it's possible that you are being attracted to and attracting women like this subconsciously. Would be worth a good hard look at.
Poutrew Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 OK, if you're afraid she is going to go postal on you, or stalk you, then you need to out crazy her. This is when you admit to her that you were kidnapped by aliens and brought aboard their flying saucer when you were a child. Tell her that since she will soon be your wife, you need to tell her that the flying saucer people (use that exact term) have chosen you to be their emissary to humanity to usher in the new age of man. Use as much gobble-speak as you can remember, or just listen to a few nights of Coast-to-Coast to get the lingo down. Then go into trances, have 'episodes' where the Riticulans are using thought transfer beams to talk to your brain directly. Then start wearing tin-foil headgear. She will either run away or start worshiping you. Either way, your problem is solved... 3
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I understand the sort of heightened sense of "finally, finally finally" after 11 years. A relief can almost feel like love when you've been starved romantically of it for so long, so I can understand you wanting to make it work and probably move quicker than at a normal pace to almost " catch up" with what you perceive normal at 30 something years old. But let me tell you something, talking about marriage so early even though it has been so long is not necessarily a good thing. It does work for some people, but no offense but there is an element of desperation, understandable but it can get you into some problems. I've been single for a year and a half longer than you have and I am the same age. There are times when I am so desperate, that I could grab the next homeless guy in a moth eaten blanket sitting on the side walk and ask him to marry me. There are times when I am very self-fulfilled and feel quite happy being single and working on myself ( goals, vegan-lifestyle, health, wellbeing etc..) the only thing is about mutual clingyness is that you can overlook major red flags. It's lovely of you to be willing to help her with her un- diagnosed mental illness if in fact she does have one. But I would ask myself this question, is it because you really really like this girl? or is it because you want a relationship with this girl. Two different things. If it is because you want a relationship and not because you are really into her then I would sort of back track a bit and look at your motives. We have a tendency to over look things when we are in the grips of a new relationship but it has also been only five days not five months and you're starting to see the cracks appear now. I know you probably don't want to let go because you have been single for 11 years, but really if she starts acting toxic now, soon it will all be a toxic waste. ( see what I did there?) lol No. But seriously, ask yourself some fundamental questions first. 3
kitty12345 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Whoa! You blowing out of proportion! You are crossing her personal boundary , in the first two cases. For the dad issue, no biggie either. She knows her family is there and maybe they want her to put her new relationship first? He wasn't dying ! If you keep diagnosing people without looking at your behavior, you are going nowhere then! 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Whoa! You blowing out of proportion! You are crossing her personal boundary , in the first two cases. For the dad issue, no biggie either. She knows her family is there and maybe they want her to put her new relationship first? He wasn't dying ! If you keep diagnosing people without looking at your behavior, you are going nowhere then! that's actually a fairly good point. Completely counteracts most opinions on this thread including my own. But Kitty makes a good point. Take it slow I reckon
Author Teknoe Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Thanks everyone for your feedback. I think this is a case of I know what to do, but just needed some external nudging to confirm my predetermined stance. I'm breaking it off with her tomorrow, and I'm going to be very nice and gentle about it. As much as I can. Something about compatibility. Or a lack thereof. This is going to be one of the hardest phone calls I'll ever make. I saw the red flags early on. Unemployed. Broke. In debt. Still shopping online like crazy despite the debt, and a bunch of highly questionable behavior that I won't get into detail here. I think I will deactivate my FB for a month or so. Go silent and pray she just accepts this with some grace and forgets about me. On the bright side, it's only been 5 days. PS- BPD... I think she likely has that. She cries in and out and gets "real happy" like nothing ever happened. Actually, the more I think about it, the creepier it is. I really pray she doesn't try to stalk me in any way. EDIT: She has a long history of people walking out of her life, and people leaving her high and dry. Her extreme behavior pushes people away. If not immediately, then eventually. As for why I've been single for 11+ years... it certainly wasn't for a lack of trying. I've asked out many girls since 2005, but had no bites. The ones I didn't like liked me, but I wasn't going to date someone I felt lukewarm about. This girl was the first girl I actually liked and that liked me back in 11 years. Edited December 24, 2015 by Teknoe
LostOnes05 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Oh, look at the time...it's time for me to go. You stay here!...please. Wait, what's what's that in your ha... Break up with her over the phone. And don't believe that about crossing her personal boundary. If someone has a poor sense of humor...problem. If they can't be flexible...problem. Black/white thinking on certain things is a major red flag. I had a situation just like this recently. There is nothing wrong with you. You've recognized some major issues...get out of there. She has to fix herself, you can't do it for her. I heard the same song and dance about people walking out of her life and not wanting me to have pictures of her unless she sent them to me. Basically run away, run away Simba and never return!!
didithappen Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 She doesn't sound bipolar, but she doesn't sound like a keeper either. Bipolar disorder is characterized by manic highs and depressive lows, if I remember right from my psych class the majority of "cycles" with bipolar are much longer than a few days (save a few exceptions). Some depressive cycles can last months and the mania portion a few weeks. Either way, bipolar or not, she does sound pretty erratic. I would try to let her off gently. 1
lollipopspot Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 You have got to be kidding me. Unless the OP heard wrongly, the father was admitted - you don't just get admitted for a papercut. You can show up at the ER for a papercut all you like, the medical professionals will triage you and decide whether to admit you or not. Only reasonably serious cases get admitted through the ER. If an immediate family member is admitted to the hospital, pretty much any reasonable person will cancel their plans and go to the hospital. "Not life threatening" is not really an excuse. I've gone or taken people to the ER several times for things that were disturbing but not life threatening. Need for stitches; a prescription drug reaction; bad headache; animal bite that needed antibiotics/tetanus shot...
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