le_20 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 im a late bloomer,funny yet serious in relationship. my recent date said im witty to his best friend( his friend told me as i hangout with his friend and friend's gf often) we start dating since June but time is limited as he moved back to his country permanently after 2 months dating. He bought me ticket to fly to his country,met his best friend, had thanksgiving lunch with his best friend's family. Both been through lots of struggles as he thought long distance is hard. Since i got a chance to go to his country after a year,he changed his mind and now he is planning to fly me to meet him in Rome in Feb.Since he goes to Rome with his mum,I will meet his mum as well. We are not official yet and he is still on dating site actively with false information(wrong age, no new update about him moving back to his country).....but he is still paying for the site and active there. I did have doubt before...after talking to his best friend and getting along with him,i think im overthinking. He is in fact a genuine and responsible person. Im Asian so not sure about westerners' view in relationship. Is that mean its fine to date other person before committed relationship? (even things are getting serious?)
craw Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Im Asian so not sure about westerners' view in relationship. who cares what they think
oldshirt Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 This westerner thinks that both people should keep their options open and remain on the open dating market until both people mutually agree to be exclusive. I would further recommend that if marriage is your en- goal, that you should only agree to be exclusive with someone else who has marriage as their end goal and both people see the relationship potentially heading towards marriage. If marriage is your end-goal and it is not the end goal of the other person, then keep your options open and stay on the dating market and do not become exclusive. If marriage is not your end-goal, then why worry about exclusivity in the first place? Date whoever you want, whenever you want. Just be open and upfront about not wanting to marry. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 im a late bloomer,funny yet serious in relationship. my recent date said im witty to his best friend( his friend told me as i hangout with his friend and friend's gf often) we start dating since June but time is limited as he moved back to his country permanently after 2 months dating. He bought me ticket to fly to his country,met his best friend, had thanksgiving lunch with his best friend's family. Both been through lots of struggles as he thought long distance is hard. Since i got a chance to go to his country after a year,he changed his mind and now he is planning to fly me to meet him in Rome in Feb.Since he goes to Rome with his mum,I will meet his mum as well. We are not official yet and he is still on dating site actively with false information(wrong age, no new update about him moving back to his country).....but he is still paying for the site and active there. I did have doubt before...after talking to his best friend and getting along with him,i think im overthinking. He is in fact a genuine and responsible person. Im Asian so not sure about westerners' view in relationship. Is that mean its fine to date other person before committed relationship? (even things are getting serious?) I don't care where a person is from, it's about being a human woman. If the couple hasn't declared it to be a relationship, you a free to date whomever you want. If, however, you've been intimate with him, you should discuss exclusivity. If he isn't willing to be exclusive with you, you should move on. Open that discussion soon.
phineas Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 The way I look at it, it's up to the man to sleep with the woman & the woman to lock the man down into a relationship. Most people have sex then after a few sexual encounters the woman brings up what it is we are. At least that's how it has worked for me. Any time I've agreed to commit to a woman to get sex it's gone horribly wrong for me. Perhaps foreign women are different.
Buddhist Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 'Westerners' aren't a homogenous group. Just like 'Asians' aren't either. Everyone is different and even within the same culture individuals are different too. I think it would be a bad move of you to assume it's okay to date other guys without having that conversation with him first. I'm a westerner who's dated asians (specifically Japanese, Chinese, Thai & Korean) and frankly I find the Asian viewpoint on relationships to be very odd compared to mine. We were often world's apart when it came to an understanding of relationship. The Asian men I dated in particular did not have a fidelity point of view in relationships which if highly important to me.
Author le_20 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 This westerner thinks that both people should keep their options open and remain on the open dating market until both people mutually agree to be exclusive. I would further recommend that if marriage is your en- goal, that you should only agree to be exclusive with someone else who has marriage as their end goal and both people see the relationship potentially heading towards marriage. If marriage is your end-goal and it is not the end goal of the other person, then keep your options open and stay on the dating market and do not become exclusive. If marriage is not your end-goal, then why worry about exclusivity in the first place? Date whoever you want, whenever you want. Just be open and upfront about not wanting to marry. I don't care where a person is from, it's about being a human woman. If the couple hasn't declared it to be a relationship, you a free to date whomever you want. If, however, you've been intimate with him, you should discuss exclusivity. If he isn't willing to be exclusive with you, you should move on. Open that discussion soon. marriage is my end goal and we have the same thought that we both dont want kid. I'm still a virgin but did have foreplay with him for times.We nearly had sex last time,since he wasnt sure due to the long distance,he ended up hugging me tight the whole night. Recently he talked about having sex with me next time we meet and said he broke up with his exes as they didnt like romance.(he had 3 exes in 5 years) He also said i showed him that i could accept him. But he doesnt text me much this whole week as usual.(although i know he does have free time) Is it a good sign and should I ignore the fact that he is still visiting dating site? Should i just go with the flow and wait until our Rome trip in Feb?
Author le_20 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 The way I look at it, it's up to the man to sleep with the woman & the woman to lock the man down into a relationship. Most people have sex then after a few sexual encounters the woman brings up what it is we are. At least that's how it has worked for me. Any time I've agreed to commit to a woman to get sex it's gone horribly wrong for me. Perhaps foreign women are different. can i know when do you decide to sleep with a woman? Im a virgin and the guy im seeing chose not to sleep with me as he wasnt sure due to the super long distance. since i can go to his country after a year,recently he changed and told me few times that he is going to sleep with me when we meet in Feb.He also said that he wants to teach me everything. Since he is a serious guy and looking for serious relationship,is this a sign that he is considering to commit to me? Really thanks and I appreciate your insight as a guy.
TheCatInTheHat Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 since i can go to his country after a year,recently he changed and told me few times that he is going to sleep with me when we meet in Feb.He also said that he wants to teach me everything. Since he is a serious guy and looking for serious relationship,is this a sign that he is considering to commit to me? Really thanks and I appreciate your insight as a guy. Yelp!! He actually told you he will be sleeping with you in february? That sounds very strange to me (I'm a guy). I don't want to mess things up with you two, but I really don't get a good vibe from what you are writing. What kind of guy writes a thing like that? Teach? Teach what? Creepy. You are not his property to do with what he wants. Marry or not. I sleep with a woman when we both want to. 2
introverted1 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I don't have a good feeling about this. He's not just active on a dating site but a paid member, you're not official, you live in different countries and can't be together for at least a year, but you're going to visit him in February at which time you'll meet his mother and have sex. Is that about the sum of it? 1
Author le_20 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Yelp!! He actually told you he will be sleeping with you in february? That sounds very strange to me (I'm a guy). I don't want to mess things up with you two, but I really don't get a good vibe from what you are writing. What kind of guy writes a thing like that? Teach? Teach what? Creepy. You are not his property to do with what he wants. Marry or not. I sleep with a woman when we both want to. Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate your time because you seems like a gentlemen. Since he is still on online dating and still active( although he hadn't updated his current information and location), do you think it's fine that I talk to him like "I feel guilty and disrespectful while dating several guys simultaneously. I even hurt a guy who was highly interested in me as I stopped seeing him. Since we are planning to meet each other in Feb and see how things turn out. Do you think it's good that we only see each other until February? " Will this makes a guy feel comfortable to have a talk?
Author le_20 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 I don't have a good feeling about this. He's not just active on a dating site but a paid member, you're not official, you live in different countries and can't be together for at least a year, but you're going to visit him in February at which time you'll meet his mother and have sex. Is that about the sum of it? Yes,he wants to see how things turn out in Feb and that's what he told his best friend." Maybe...maybe we'll start a relationship, we'll see" I'm actually thinking of having a talk with him about stop seeing other person. Can you kindly read my previous comment? Does it sounds like a good approach to have a talk with him?
central Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Long distance relationships seldom work, unless there is first time to date and decide to become exclusive. He is currently dating other women. You are not exclusive. Yes, you should date, too. He may find someone else, or may decide that long distance and long time frames are too difficult, and end things. It is NOT necessary or smart to tell him you are dating - be discreet about it - and keep it that way until you two become exclusive, if you ever do. IMO, LDRs (especially international) should never be exclusive until you know each other very, very well, and have a plan and a timeframe to make being together possible, with the goal of marriage.
introverted1 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Yes,he wants to see how things turn out in Feb and that's what he told his best friend." Maybe...maybe we'll start a relationship, we'll see" I'm actually thinking of having a talk with him about stop seeing other person. Can you kindly read my previous comment? Does it sounds like a good approach to have a talk with him? I can't answer whether you should have a talk without more info. You said you dated for 2 months before he moved back to his country. Had you decided to be exclusive during those 2 months and then became un-exclusive after he moved? Or was exclusivity never discussed? Was Thanksgiving the first time you saw him since he left in July? (Is that when he left?)
Author le_20 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 I can't answer whether you should have a talk without more info. You said you dated for 2 months before he moved back to his country. Had you decided to be exclusive during those 2 months and then became un-exclusive after he moved? Or was exclusivity never discussed? Was Thanksgiving the first time you saw him since he left in July? (Is that when he left?) Before the 2 months dating,we started getting to know about each other since last October. He was highly interested in me and we felt the attraction yet he wasn't over his ex until May, he finally learned his ex wasn't a good girl so we started dating in June and he moved back permanently to his country in August. Before moving back, our dates were great and he did say everything is possible and was considering about being exclusive. He wanted to know how things go so he bought me ticket and I visited his country. Since he probably will not come to my country anymore and that time, I hadn't get offer to work in his country, he thought it's difficult and he also thought I want kid yet he doesn't want. In November, I was heartbroken and didn't talk to him almost a month. He was shocked and asked his best friend to talk to me. I finally replied to ha message, we had talk and lately found out that it's possible for me to move to his country and actually we both don't want kid. He changed his mind and said he is sure we will meet again and he thought I will be good at whatever I set my mind on. Then only he started talked sexual thing through messages. ( he never did that in the past one year)
phineas Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 can i know when do you decide to sleep with a woman? Im a virgin and the guy im seeing chose not to sleep with me as he wasnt sure due to the super long distance. since i can go to his country after a year,recently he changed and told me few times that he is going to sleep with me when we meet in Feb.He also said that he wants to teach me everything. Since he is a serious guy and looking for serious relationship,is this a sign that he is considering to commit to me? Really thanks and I appreciate your insight as a guy. If i'm attracted to her I decide on sex right away. But you are a virgin & I am "old" so that situation is not something i have no advice on.
Gaeta Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I am sorry I am about to rain on your parade. im a late bloomer, Do you mean by that you are at the age a Chinese woman must find herself a husband or she'll be put aside for the rest of her life? my recent date said im witty to his best friend After 2 months dating your boyfriend should not be using words like she's witty. That's pretty weak. That's something you would say about a friend or a colleague not about a woman you are dating. He should be saying words like you're beautiful, attractive, smart, sweet, funny and you're a wonderful woman. We are not official yet and he is still on dating site actively with false information(wrong age, no new update about him moving back to his country).....but he is still paying for the site and active there. And you call that a genuine and responsible person? He is adverting himself online as single with false information, how genuine is that? How many women is he going to mislead with his profile? If he didn't change his location it's because he's still looking for women in his old location. By the same token you mean you met someone that had lied on his profile also. Right there you should know you met a player. Is that mean its fine to date other person before committed relationship? (even things are getting serious?) Westerners date then they talk about being exclusive. Usually exclusivity is established quite quickly as NO woman wants to see her man online while she dates him. Sometimes exclusivity is brought up on 3rd date or anytime under 3 months. Those who wait longer often get bad surprises, especially when men are active online.
Gaeta Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Recently he talked about having sex with me next time we meet In the western world women decide when to have sex. The man may offer to have sex but it's the woman that will decide if it's ok or not. He also said i showed him that i could accept him. Accept what? What is there to accept about him? But he doesnt text me much this whole week as usual.(although i know he does have free time) Long distance rarely works. I honestly think you are wasting your time with man. When a man likes you he is in your face with it, he's not 'unsure'. His feelings are so strong for you he doesn't have to 'think about it'. This man is going to drop you soon. Is it a good sign and should I ignore the fact that he is still visiting dating site? NO, it's not a good sign. Should i just go with the flow and wait until our Rome trip in Feb? I would not. If you are looking for marriage this is not the man for you. I think he is out of options right now and he's keeping you for entertainment. If I were you I would NOT have sex with him under the current circumstances. Edited December 24, 2015 by Gaeta
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