He likes me a lot he says still but just cant commit

[McKenzieMorgan]

Very long story about a very confusing boy I still care deeply about. We were together the entire fall semester this year. I hope some will read this situation and tell me what they think of this dumb frat boy.

 

So I met this guy the beginning of my sophomore year of college. He is a senior. We hit it off immediately and started to hang out and see each other a lot. Things became intimate and I started feeling like he wanted a relationship and I didn't want one at the time. From the beginning I knew he wasn't my type and I sorta went in and out of being attracted to him so I was really unsure about him for awhile. He was cooking me dinner and holding my hand and showing me off, and treating me so good though so I decided to give it a chance. I finally caught feelings and he knew I was a virgin, but was very patient and understanding with me wanting to wait. Very different than any guy i ever met before. I finally started to catch feelings and I trusted and cared about him enough to let him be the one to take my virginity. After this I started to fall HARD for him, and for a while things were perfect. I knew all of his friends in his fraternity and he always told me that they liked me a lot and were jealous that he "got me". He would introduce me to everyone as "his girl" and seemed proud to call me his, which made me feel so special too. He would also always tell me that he had never met a girl like me his entire time being at college, and he didn't know what he did to make me like him but he was glad it happened and we met. All this sounds like a guy who would totally be down to call me his girlfriend and make it the real thing right? WRONG...

 

He then started to realize that I would be wanting more from him relationship wise and he told me that we were definitely talking and that everyone knew that, but he likes to take things slow. He even told me that he felt like I moved too fast for him even though at this time I was just keeping up with what i thought he was feeling too since he never once seemed like he wasn't in to it. We had our little bickering sometimes about it, but I would usually just end up trying to understand where he was coming from cause I knew he told me he had some commitment issues from things that have happened in his life. He would always tell me how sorry he was for it whenever he'd make me upset about that stuff and make it up to me in someway and how he doesn't want things between us to end and that I meant a lot to him. I thoroughly respected his wish of wanting to take things slow and I actually agreed that taking it slower was better too so I was cool with it.

 

Then parents weekend at his school came and he even introduced me to his parents and treated me very sweetly around them. Everything that weekend was perfect and I thought things were on track, but then that following week he became VERY distant for about a week and a half. I really thought things were over and i was devastated cause I had no idea what had happened. I kept trying to ask him what was going on and he just kept telling me everything was "fine" he just needed some time and space. We agreed to meet that Thursday and talk about things but he kept blowing it off every time and finally after the 3rd night of putting it off cause he wanted to do stuff with his brothers I told him if he didn't make the time to talk then i was ending it. The next day comes and long story short he isn't able to meet once again. He kept putting it off because he was afraid of how our talk might go. He was afraid that it would end things, because I want something (a relationship) that he doesn't feel the same for right now. Even though I have told him I didnt need a relationship right now cause I understood how hectic his life is and stressful it is with it being his senior year. So we are talking over text and he basically tells me he just wants to "have fun" while not having a relationship. I take that as have fun and **** around with other girls cause that's how he made it seem. I was livid and told him off on how wrong that was of him and for making me think differently previously. He then says "but I want to have fun with you"....like what?? I send him a long text telling him that if he wants to have his fun then he could go ahead but I wasn't going to stick around for him anymore, because I knew I didnt deserve that after everything. And that was the last message I sent. He sent a few more texts though asking for me not to do this, and how sorry he was for making it seem like that and so on and that he has so many feelings for me even though he thinks that i was sick of him and yadayada....I never replied to these though. Next day comes around and he texts me again telling me he misses me and once again how sorry he was and that he just wanted to talk in person cause he couldn't say everything through text and didnt want to end things over a text. So I agreed and met up with him at his house and we sat outside and told me that he knew he was making a big mistake and everyone of his brothers were also giving him **** for messing things up with me. He told me that I was a really big deal to him cause he hasn't talked to a girl while at college like he has with me. He seemed so sincere and like he was truly going to give it his all this time and put in the real effort. I was so happy. So i gave him another chance...

 

So then after that the last two weeks of us being together happen. These last two weeks were PERFECT. It was exactly how we acted with each other when we first met. He wasn't distant he was telling me he missed me on nights we couldn't be together. And then the nights we did spend together were great and we had a lot of fun. Also the sex was so passionate. He kissed me with so much passion like never before that I thought I was just the luckiest girl in the world to finally have my guy back and feeling the same about me too. He even asked me to his fraternity's date party the following week. The last night we spent together we didn't even have sex we just stayed up talking and cuddling and watched a movie. I was telling him about how I was going to transfer to the city for a nursing school next year, and he said he thought that was awesome because after he graduated he wanted to end up living in the city too and then after saying that kissed me on the forehead real sweetly. Making me think he was thinking ahead of us maybe still being together cause that's exactly how he made it seem. Then those last few weeks the way we slept were so different as well. Before we typically would cuddle for a bit, but then he would roll over to his side for the rest of the night. But not these last few times he literally wanted to hold me the entire night. To the point where I was actually trying to move away, but he would end up just following me and holding me a different way and even wanting to hold my hand while sleeping. Real sweet right?? HA WELL JUST WAIT

 

So after that last night, the next day he left for a football game at a different school to go watch with his buddies. He would be away all weekend. That weekend I did not hear a word from him. Ignored my texts and i started to realize it once I saw him post a picture of he and his buddies at the game. At first i was chill I tried to not over think cause why would i after everything being better than ever. So then Sunday comes and I expect to hear from him cause he would be coming home but once again did not text me at all Sunday either. So then Monday I'm getting nervous and I send him a text about him ignoring me once again he ignores it and i send another and he ignores it. I know he has his phone cause of social media and finally I was just tired of the bull**** it wasn't right to me. So i send him a long text telling him I couldn't do this anymore and I didn't deserve to be ignored like that. Once again he didn't reply....until 4 hours later that night. It was the longest text message i have ever received. And he wrote to me telling me it was just never going to work between us. That we weren't on the same page and all this other stuff that broke my heart cause I had no clue where these feelings were coming from out of no where. He followed up with him telling me that I was way to good for him and that he thinks I'm so awesome and beautiful and such a great person and that he does like me a lot, but he just cant be in a relationship and exclusive to one girl or date a girl or be with another girl. Reading all this tore me apart but I knew if he felt that way deep down I couldn't change his feelings about a relationship, so I maturely told him that i was of course very upset and hurt by this but I wished him the best and hoped we could be mutual down the road. Fast forward past going home for thanksgiving break on to the week of the date party that I was supposed to go to and turns out he took a girl from back home that is like 6 hours away!! I found this out cause he posted a picture which after knowing how hurt i was over everything having to end I thought he would have the decency not to do that to me. Turns out they also had a thing back in high school I found out, but that was years ago. I was livid and made it known cause i felt like he had lied to me about everything and I felt like he was talking to her the entire time..which I am unsure about still but it just seems to make sense. I said a lot of awful things to him that he probably deserved but i ended up regretting it. After i said all these things he ended up deleting the picture from his Instagram. Which i guess he finally realized what a dick move it was of him to do that. Few days go by and I am having a hard time knowing i said all these awful things to him when deep down I do know that he is a good guy and i ended up forgiving him for everything cause I knew i couldn't move on if i didn't. I also cant hold grudges against people worth **** too...Im kind of a push over sometimes with people i deeply care about. He ended up replying to my forgiveness message saying he has a lot of respect for me for it and he really wants to be on good terms with me and "make the best of all this whatever that may be"....and that is the last I have heard from him.

 

After that we all left to go home for winter break and that is where I am at right now with everything. I am still torn up over everything and I think about him all the time wishing desperately he would come back to me...It still doesn't make sense to me and I was hoping if any of you who have taken the time to read this massive story could give me your insights or opinions. I care about him so much that I cant even hate him or not like him for breaking my heart and doing me wrong. I feel like he has already moved on but i just don't know. Even after that long text message telling me his feelings he would reiterate that he likes me a lot even still, but just feels like he cant have a relationship with everything right now. I am trying not to be naive but it is so hard when I keep holding on to this hope that he will come back to me. Although if he ever did I don't think I could ever take him back, because I have never been so hurt and upset over someone before and I couldn't bear taking the chance of it happening again.

 

Let me know what yall think of him....I think he is so confusing cause his actions never matched to his words of saying that he just didn't think it would work out between us. So painful to come to terms with, but I know I must....

[Itspointless]

I would usually just end up trying to understand where he was coming from cause I knew he told me he had some commitment issues from things that have happened in his life.

Hi Morgan. Isn't it awful how they break our hearts? You know, even before you wrote this line in the third paragraph it was expecting this sentence coming up. Yes he ticks many of the boxes of someone who is dismissive-avoidant attached. They make you feel like you are insane. Coming on so strong and the moment they have you, poof, they are distancing. Having trouble with trust, not being able to say I love you, blaming you for for being clingy ... If I can answer some more things for you ask, I just might being able to answer it

[Simon Phoenix]

Sounds like he acts in the moment and doesn't really think/give a crap about the future ramifications of those actions. He's been consistent in telling you that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you, so that's what you need to focus on. He'll continue to use you to fulfill his short-term needs when it's convenient if you allow him too.

 

He very well might come back, but if he does come back, it's just going to be back to the push-pull BS that has already happened. This leopard isn't going to change his spots anytime soon.

[D.r.e]

It doesn't sound that confusing. Forgive me for being blunt but it sounds like he was never that into you. I understand it's hard that you fell for him, but he's not the one, and won't be the one.

 

Something else that is concerning is that you are allowing him to do this. Why wouldn't he treat you like this? You are at his every whim viewing him as this Adonis. He doesn't even need to commit to you and he can see other girls knowing that if he sweet talks you, you can't stay angry.

 

Anger is not wrong. You can be angry. It's human. Anger can give you the focus you need to do some incredible things in your life.

[Qboro90]

I'm sorry that you had to go through this and know it's gut wrenching and occupies your mind constantly. That being said, you need to consciously make the effort not to fall back into giving him another chance when he eventually reaches out to you and apologizes saying how big of a mistake he made, blah blah blah.

 

What he's doing is keeping you on the sidelines until he feels like having you around and getting the perks of it. The excuse of saying that it's his senior year and he wants to go slow and you're too good for him, etc. Sorry but it's all a ploy and he's playing you. The ability to appear sincere and genuine and make it seem like he knows he's an ******* is exactly the point and why you go back to him time and time again. He's making you feel like he knows he's treated you poorly so at least by acknowledging that you think he's gonna change. Truth is, that if he truly cared about you like he says then he would've made you his girlfriend months ago. The fact that he hasn't says everything you need to know.

[McKenzieMorgan]

It doesn't sound that confusing. Forgive me for being blunt but it sounds like he was never that into you. I understand it's hard that you fell for him, but he's not the one, and won't be the one.

 

Something else that is concerning is that you are allowing him to do this. Why wouldn't he treat you like this? You are at his every whim viewing him as this Adonis. He doesn't even need to commit to you and he can see other girls knowing that if he sweet talks you, you can't stay angry.

 

Anger is not wrong. You can be angry. It's human. Anger can give you the focus you need to do some incredible things in your life.

 

 

 

The only thing though that has confused me about this is that I have been told by a few of his brothers that they have never seen him be with a girl and treat her as good as he did with me before things got rocky. They all told me how he truly was in to me cause he would talk about me all the time to them. Why would he do that if he wasn't in to me? And I didn't allow him to be with other girls I just gave him a second chance after he came back to me and told me I was all that he wanted. Which of course is when the next couple weeks go by that are perfect and great but then just changed out of no where. I don't think I would take him back but it's just those things that have just really caught me off guard and made me really trust him and then be confused. maybe I'm just naive and trust people too much. We would have conversations about our previous relationships and in depth convos about being hurt and life and he would always tell me he would never want to do something like that to me to cause me hurt. Maybe he just had me really fooled...I don't know but he never once made me have that feeling of him being a liar. He is well liked by everyone and everyone would tell me that he is such a great guy. This is definitely gonna make it hard for me to trust in the future though I know.

[Itspointless]

They all told me how he truly was in to me cause he would talk about me all the time to them. Why would he do that if he wasn't in to me?

Let me repeat, some people have a dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment. Those people often push away when you come to near, when things become to real for them, while at first they come on really strong.

[McKenzieMorgan]

Hi Morgan. Isn't it awful how they break our hearts? You know, even before you wrote this line in the third paragraph it was expecting this sentence coming up. Yes he ticks many of the boxes of someone who is dismissive-avoidant attached. They make you feel like you are insane. Coming on so strong and the moment they have you, poof, they are distancing. Having trouble with trust, not being able to say I love you, blaming you for for being clingy ... If I can answer some more things for you ask, I just might being able to answer it

 

Thank you for your reply!! He did tell me I was being too clingy or he implied it one time and of course I would back off and try my best to respect his feeling s. He would usually always end up apologizing for coming off that way. So he never made me feel like I was the crazy one. He of course even fed me that line one time "it's not you its me" bull crap. I'm still confused about things. I guess he wasn't as in to me as I was of him...he'd always say we just weren't on the same page yet. But then go and treat me like gold. It wasn't always about sex or hooking up either. We did have a lot of good time together and could talk to each other about stuff that could get deep, but then he'd pull away if he felt to "Relationshipy". And of course he would get jealous of other guys but I know any guy can be like this even if they aren't completely dedicated or not wanting to change his life for one person cause I know his fraternity literally takes up all his free time pretty much.

One of my questions is how should I act to him once I see him when I get back to school? He knows I have forgiven him for everything but of course that was more for me than him, but I do still care very deeply about him so I don't want to be a bitch and treat him like a stranger. I just don't know how I should go about it. Like part of me believes that he is sincere so it makes me want to be nice and mature but then part of me starts thinking like what if he is just an undercover ******* who has had me fooled all along? If that's the case I wanna be a bitch and ignore his ass but I just feel like he really isn't that kind of person. The whole time we were together I never even heard him say a mean thing about another person or treat someone badly so he never came off as that kind of guy. Let me know what your opinion is!

[ExpatInItaly]

We teach people how to treat us.

 

So it's up to you. You can either show him you have strong boundaries...or not.

[Itspointless]

Thank you for your reply!! He did tell me I was being too clingy or he implied it one time and of course I would back off and try my best to respect his feeling s. He would usually always end up apologizing for coming off that way. So he never made me feel like I was the crazy one. He of course even fed me that line one time "it's not you its me" bull crap. I'm still confused about things. I guess he wasn't as in to me as I was of him...he'd always say we just weren't on the same page yet. But then go and treat me like gold. It wasn't always about sex or hooking up either. We did have a lot of good time together and could talk to each other about stuff that could get deep, but then he'd pull away if he felt to "Relationshipy". And of course he would get jealous of other guys but I know any guy can be like this even if they aren't completely dedicated or not wanting to change his life for one person cause I know his fraternity literally takes up all his free time pretty much.

One of my questions is how should I act to him once I see him when I get back to school? He knows I have forgiven him for everything but of course that was more for me than him, but I do still care very deeply about him so I don't want to be a bitch and treat him like a stranger. I just don't know how I should go about it. Like part of me believes that he is sincere so it makes me want to be nice and mature but then part of me starts thinking like what if he is just an undercover ******* who has had me fooled all along? If that's the case I wanna be a bitch and ignore his ass but I just feel like he really isn't that kind of person. The whole time we were together I never even heard him say a mean thing about another person or treat someone badly so he never came off as that kind of guy. Let me know what your opinion is!

Hi Morgan, it seems my second post was redundant. I keep getting this vibe that he is avoidant-dismissive attached. The strange thing is that those folks can be so warm and passionate, but when we come too close, they distance like crazy. I also could be wrong but my sense this far is that he indeed is sincere.

 

Revenge isn't something that usually makes us feel really better. Usually the best chance is people not showing how much they have gotten to you; it sometimes gives people a reason to be smug about themselves. I find it hard to advice you how to act though, my ex lives a long way from me. I would have been devastated to be confronted with her on a daily basis: she is dismissive-avoidant and pushed me away two years ago. I am still happy that context is not mine. I think it really is important to think deeply how you feel. For now he lost the right to be empathetic about, although I think it is a good trait to think about him as well. It probably sucks for him too somewhere deep-down, but you have to be a bit selfish now: this is about your healing not his ego. Mind you, him as well as my ex both know about their problems, so why do they choose the easy way and not therapy? No, they rather hurt us, accompanied with many excuses trying to make up a bit to us.

[McKenzieMorgan]

Hi Morgan, it seems my second post was redundant. I keep getting this vibe that he is avoidant-dismissive attached. The strange thing is that those folks can be so warm and passionate, but when we come too close, they distance like crazy. I also could be wrong but my sense this far is that he indeed is sincere.

 

Revenge isn't something that usually makes us feel really better. Usually the best chance is people not showing how much they have gotten to you; it sometimes gives people a reason to be smug about themselves. I find it hard to advice you how to act though, my ex lives a long way from me. I would have been devastated to be confronted with her on a daily basis: she is dismissive-avoidant and pushed me away two years ago. I am still happy that context is not mine. I think it really is important to think deeply how you feel. For now he lost the right to be empathetic about, although I think it is a good trait to think about him as well. It probably sucks for him too somewhere deep-down, but you have to be a bit selfish now: this is about your healing not his ego. Mind you, him as well as my ex both know about their problems, so why do they choose the easy way and not therapy? No, they rather hurt us, accompanied with many excuses trying to make up a bit to us.

 

Thank you so much for your very in depth and honest replies it means a lot. You sound very knowledgable about this stuff. I just took a quiz and turns out I'm a "preoccupied attachment" that has high anxiety when it comes to relationships. The results are exactly how I feel in relationships sometimes when the other person becomes distant and I relate to it very well. Also an interesting thing is that, that attachment style does not work well at all with dismissive avoidant so it does make sense that he and I couldn't work it out and weren't really compatible. For now I'll just follow my gut feeling that he is sincere and I'll just be mature and treat him kindly as I have been but not overly nice. He still did me wrong and he needs to keep knowing that. Thank you again, truly does help a lot with my feelings towards him.

Edited December 24, 2015 by McKenzieMorgan

[Itspointless]

Thank you so much for your very in depth and honest replies it means a lot. You sound very knowledgable about this stuff. I just took a quiz and turns out I'm a "preoccupied attachment" that has high anxiety when it comes to relationships. The results are exactly how I feel in relationships sometimes when the other person becomes distant and I relate to it very well. Also an interesting thing is that, that attachment style does not work well at all with dismissive avoidant so it does make sense that he and I couldn't work it out and weren't really compatible. For now I'll just follow my gut feeling that he is sincere and I'll just be mature and treat him kindly as I have been but not overly nice. He still did me wrong and he needs to keep knowing that. Thank you again, truly does help a lot with my feelings towards him.

Happy to help you this way! I have read a lot on the topic the last two years, as I was astounded with the things that happened two years ago. As I am a bit anxious attached too, just like you, I very much need knowledge to get a grip: a grip to be able to grieve (back then) and to be able to work on myself.

 

Some of the best resources I have found, that help me most I have posted in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/556904-loves-me-wants-future-will-call-year-3.html post 37.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Itspointless

[D.r.e]

The only thing though that has confused me about this is that I have been told by a few of his brothers that they have never seen him be with a girl and treat her as good as he did with me before things got rocky. They all told me how he truly was in to me cause he would talk about me all the time to them. Why would he do that if he wasn't in to me?

 

I don't doubt he was into you, but at no point did he make you his gf. So he wasn't THAT into you. Seems like you were his best option which is great because you will likely have zero problems attracting someone better who will give you what you want.

 

 

This is definitely gonna make it hard for me to trust in the future though I know.

 

Trust is simply knowing you want the same thing. If I know my enemy has a mutual bigger enemy, I can trust my enemy to help me take out the bigger enemy. He's lead you on a bit, but he's never given you the impression that you guys want the same thing (i.e. he never made you his gf).

 

Your trust was misplaced. That's okay, we all do it at some point. Even now, I am hoping my own ex comes back.

[McKenzieMorgan]

I don't doubt he was into you, but at no point did he make you his gf. So he wasn't THAT into you. Seems like you were his best option which is great because you will likely have zero problems attracting someone better who will give you what you want.

 

 

 

 

Trust is simply knowing you want the same thing. If I know my enemy has a mutual bigger enemy, I can trust my enemy to help me take out the bigger enemy. He's lead you on a bit, but he's never given you the impression that you guys want the same thing (i.e. he never made you his gf).

 

Your trust was misplaced. That's okay, we all do it at some point. Even now, I am hoping my own ex comes back.

 

Thank you D.R.E. I do agree with you on that.

We have different personalities and deep down I think I even knew we would never work together. I guess I just held on to this hope cause he was my first time and first guy I've ever gotten deep feelings for. It taken me a very long time to find someone I felt that way before considering I'm 19. Never even had a real boyfriend in high school cause I had commitment issues and even my freshmen year of college I was scared to make a full commitment. I don't know what he did but he made me feel like I could actually give a relationship a try. Too bad he didn't end up feeling the same way about it

Thank you so much again for your wonderful advice

[D.r.e]

Thank you D.R.E. I do agree with you on that.

We have different personalities and deep down I think I even knew we would never work together. I guess I just held on to this hope cause he was my first time and first guy I've ever gotten deep feelings for. It taken me a very long time to find someone I felt that way before considering I'm 19. Never even had a real boyfriend in high school cause I had commitment issues and even my freshmen year of college I was scared to make a full commitment. I don't know what he did but he made me feel like I could actually give a relationship a try. Too bad he didn't end up feeling the same way about it

Thank you so much again for your wonderful advice

 

I have 16 years on you. You'll learn something from every relationship. I've noticed that my relationships get better as I get better, each breakup fuels me like crazy, and gives me better insights into who I am and what I want. I had a great relationship end recently, and I realized it was great because of the work I put into myself. If you are learning and facing the pain, you'll get better.

[McKenzieMorgan]

I have 16 years on you. You'll learn something from every relationship. I've noticed that my relationships get better as I get better, each breakup fuels me like crazy, and gives me better insights into who I am and what I want. I had a great relationship end recently, and I realized it was great because of the work I put into myself. If you are learning and facing the pain, you'll get better.

 

So just a little update I'm sure this means absolutely nothing. But last night at 12:30am Christmas Day I get a text from him saying Merry Christmas and hoping that the holidays and new year treat me well. Just kinda caught me off guard since I haven't heard from him since ending things and it was in the middle of the night sending it rather than day time. The message was specifically for me too since he used my name within the message. We ended on fairly good terms by me forgiving him and he saying he wanted to stay in touch with me even after everything. Do I reply saying Merry Christmas back or just ignore it?

[Itspointless]

So just a little update I'm sure this means absolutely nothing. But last night at 12:30am Christmas Day I get a text from him saying Merry Christmas and hoping that the holidays and new year treat me well. Just kinda caught me off guard since I haven't heard from him since ending things and it was in the middle of the night sending it rather than day time. The message was specifically for me too since he used my name within the message. We ended on fairly good terms by me forgiving him and he saying he wanted to stay in touch with me even after everything. Do I reply saying Merry Christmas back or just ignore it?

Does answering give you expectations? If yes than you better ignore it. He is being friendly and fishing a bit, sounds a bit like relieving guilt to me.

[D.r.e]

Does answering give you expectations? If yes than you better ignore it. He is being friendly and fishing a bit, sounds a bit like relieving guilt to me.

 

I agree, he's just feeling guilty and using the holiday as an excuse to reach out. Even if he did want to make amends, you have been through that before. Ignore it. Delete it and delete his number. He missed his chance with you.