oregon0011 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Let's say you are dating exclusively, or sometimes this happens even when married. Your significant other does things like always placing the phone face down. Or making sure even if they leave the room for a second they take their phone with them. Do you not even notice? Bring it up? Say nothing? Is it your business?
basil67 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I've never had it happen. But if it did, I'd be suspicious 2
StBreton Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 If I'm in a "relationship" with someone, married or otherwise, I'm an open book. I expect the other person to be as well. This behavior would set off my alarm bells (unless it is at night and phones are on night table and light from new texts would interfere with falling to sleep). I would simply say "Ok why the big deal with the phone?" If the person attempted to "gaslight" ... I'd listen and watch intently without saying a word. They would get the message that things were not ok and I wasn't "drinking the Kool aid" ...If the person did not explain or apologize for causing drama (which it is) a very short time later...that would be the end for me. Why do you ask OP? Are you experiencing this and it's causing you distress? 2
Author oregon0011 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 If I'm in a "relationship" with someone, married or otherwise, I'm an open book. I expect the other person to be as well. This behavior would set off my alarm bells (unless it is at night and phones are on night table and light from new texts would interfere with falling to sleep). I would simply say "Ok why the big deal with the phone?" If the person attempted to "gaslight" ... I'd listen and watch intently without saying a word. They would get the message that things were not ok and I wasn't "drinking the Kool aid" ...If the person did not explain or apologize for causing drama (which it is) a very short time later...that would be the end for me. Why do you ask OP? Are you experiencing this and it's causing you distress? Well yes this has happened to me in the past. Recently and in my past marriage. I was on another message board and when this topic came up, the concensus was that you are "controlling" if you do not allow others their privacy and if you notice things like this. That didn't make much sense to me.
StBreton Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Well yes this has happened to me in the past. Recently and in my past marriage. I was on another message board and when this topic came up, the concensus was that you are "controlling" if you do not allow others their privacy and if you notice things like this. That didn't make much sense to me. Was that the "all the Love you can get" Shack (aka player) forum? I'm no spring chicken and have a lot of relationship experience ...most recently a 16 year marriage (that is why I feel comfortable giving advice here)... I'm not the jealous or controlling type. I stand firm in what I think is right. I don't check on or read anyone's texts...I have good boundaries. However, if a SO did what you described...my alarm bells would go off. What is there to hide? On the other website, did you describe the situation as a "relationship" or just dating? That makes a difference. Also...if someone's job required them to have absolute secrecy ...of course they would hide their phone...that is a rare circumstance. I've not been involved in any other forums except this one...but I find the majority of contributors here to be intelligent and balanced in their advice. 3
StBreton Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) Ultimately OP...you have to go with what is right for you. If the situation makes you feel uncomfortable (and you have zero issues with jealousy/possessiveness/controlling nature) then you're probably onto something that isn't right for the relationship ... then you have to decide upon your next action. Check your behavior first. Avoid "alarmist" behavior...allow the other person to explain. Like...if you're out to dinner, placing the phone face down is respectable as new texts that come in are distracting. Taking the phone from room to room is totally acceptable if you're waiting for communication from someone. I give the benefit of the doubt...ie...not an alarmist. That's how I know when things are off...because I know I give the benefit of the doubt...so when my alarm bell goes off...it's because something is "off" Edited December 23, 2015 by StBreton 3
Author oregon0011 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Ultimately OP...you have to go with what is right for you. If the situation makes you feel uncomfortable (and you have zero issues with jealousy/possessiveness/controlling nature) then you're probably onto something that isn't right for the relationship ... then you have to decide upon your next action. Check your behavior first. Avoid "alarmist" behavior...allow the other person to explain. Like...if you're out to dinner, placing the phone face down is respectable as new texts that come in are distracting. Taking the phone from room to room is totally acceptable if you're waiting for communication from someone. I give the benefit of the doubt...ie...not an alarmist. That's how I know when things are off...because I know I give the benefit of the doubt...so when my alarm bell goes off...it's because something is "off" Some good points. As an example I have my phone on silent sometimes even when I am alone. I dated a girl who thought that was shady when I was with her. And sometimes at home I do take my phone everywhere. Once again, if I have a gf over, this might make her uncomfortable. So perhaps it is being "insecure"? I am just trying to see all angles.
Author oregon0011 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 you question this behavior and she goes off on a personal attack Haha. Yes basically more or less this would probably happen. And then it all becomes "weird" when together in the future.
Ic1 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I'd say it could just be standard practice and a habit they've developed. If there was certain body language or hints like they come back from the other room just to get their phone... Then I'd be suspicious. Otherwise, I keep my phone with me all the time. Usually in my pocket on vibrate, but that's just how I've done it for years. 1
smackie9 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I'm old skool....I find it rude to have your phone sitting on the table or looking at it when you are talking to others. Mine is in my purse...I may check it when I hit the can, but not always. I could care less who posted on my wall and all that crap. Maybe the fact I leave it in my purse makes me look suspicious...ah geez eh? 2
Author oregon0011 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 It's their phone. They can do what they want with it. You sound controlling and oppressive. I guess the difference is every single girl I ever dated had some issue wondering who was texting, why my phone was off, why it was close to me etc. it's always sort of strange.
dobielover Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 I'd find it odd, too, and would probably just make some cute comment about it, in a light-hearted way to gauge their reaction and let them know you're noticing they're guarding it.
Mjm1014 Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 okay I've been through this a lot... First of all don't bring it up with her at all for the next week or two. It may take more, but it will become balatetenly obvious if they are talking to "someone else". Take note. there's not much you can do without sounding very insecure. In the past when I brought it up, half the time it was all up in my head and they would hand me the phone right away and say no it was my boss, or no it was my best friend. Other times when I would ask they would act very hostile and say to my face that I'm being insecure and would not show me the phone-that's the behavior you need to watch out for. If you do bring it up and he/she gets extremely defensive then that's your clue right there that something is not right. Proceed with caution at that point or simply, RUN.
Recommended Posts