Fiance appearing distant

[jjshakeem]

My then girlfriend, now fiance, live together on a property we had purchased together. We also have two dogs together that we take care of.

 

Recently my then girlfriend, now fiance, started to hang out for drinks with colleagues from her former workplace. She would go out late for drinks with them until 2-3am in the morning. She also started to have a very busy calendar which include late dinners & holiday parties with older friends and work colleagues. She isn't home much anymore than just to go to bed.

I purchased a engagement ring and proposed to her after she started having a busy schedule. This was part of my plan as I had finished up graduate school, exams and was recently hired for a great job that will require significant time investment from me. I figured this was the best time to propose and plan for the wedding during this transition before I start my new job. She accepted my proposal and soon started looking for wedding locations. She also decided on and I purchased the wedding band that she wanted.

 

The wedding location search lasted about a week until it stopped abruptly when she found out her parents were getting a divorce. Since then she started to feel very distant to me. I hardly get to see her anymore besides preparing for bed because of her busy schedule. I'm solely taking care of the dogs on my own now, I feel almost like a single parent. When she is around, our conversations are no longer the same. Sometimes she doesn't even respond or responds in an abbreviated manner.

 

She wears her engagement ring everywhere, everyday. She also announced our engagement to our friends in an outing we had this week.

 

I confronted her about this behavior one night because I wanted to target a time for the wedding so that I can manage expectations from my new job. She said that a lot of things were happening in her life, the engagement and the parental divorce and that she needed time to think things through. She said she wasn't sure of the timing anymore. I asked why she couldn't decide on a time since she first suggested the spring, she responded with the 'I don't know'. I told her that she can take the time to think it through and that I'd be there to talk to her when she was ready. I honestly don't know whats actually bothering her and I don't think she does either.

 

I am very concerned about our relationship. I want to marry her but her unwillingness to set a time, her absence form the home, and the distance I feel when she is around has me very concerned. Could anyone shed some light on this? The most important thing for me is for her and I to be happy, even if it means we need to take a break or split. However I can't rationalize whats bothering her and she doesn't offer any clue on how this can be remedied.

 

Anyone know whats going on?

[ExpatInItaly]

She is checking out.

 

That doesn't mean all is necessarily lost but clearly she isn't feeling as connected to you as she once did. Are you ever invited along on these outings with colleagues?

 

You two need to have an honest conversation. I am sure he parents' divorce news is upsetting for her; if that is what is affecting her, she needs to communicate that with you. I suspect it's not only that, though. How long have you been together? How's your relationship been up until she started to withdraw? If she agreed to something as serious as marriage, she needs to be much more open with you.

[jjshakeem]

She is checking out.

 

That doesn't mean all is necessarily lost but clearly she isn't feeling as connected to you as she once did. Are you ever invited along on these outings with colleagues?

 

You two need to have an honest conversation. I am sure he parents' divorce news is upsetting for her; if that is what is affecting her, she needs to communicate that with you. I suspect it's not only that, though. How long have you been together? How's your relationship been up until she started to withdraw? If she agreed to something as serious as marriage, she needs to be much more open with you.

 

We've been together for 7 years. We've lived together for 5 years. She was fine up until the world series this year, that's when the outings started. She was hosting them and she got all colleagues out. She wears her engagement ring to these outings.

 

She said she'll invite me next time they do an outing near our home that way we can take care of the dogs and head out.

 

I don't know how to get her to open up. I tried to talk to her the other night and all I got was that she's 'thinking things through right now with the divorce' and 'she wants to live life now'. I don't want to get in the way of her living her life, but I envisioned that I'd be in that life. I'm not sure why she said yes to the engagement if she wanted something different. The proposal was recent.

[sportygirl89]

Sounds like my brothers ex gf. Thank God they didn't get married, my entire family didn't care for her. Then when she got a job she started casually dating a guy at work (whom my brother knew back from college, while my brother dated her). Count your blessings and get out while you have your dignity. It took my brother 2 years to date someone serious after it. They had a house and dog together. They were together for 5 years.

[ExpatInItaly]

We've been together for 7 years. We've lived together for 5 years. She was fine up until the world series this year, that's when the outings started. She was hosting them and she got all colleagues out. She wears her engagement ring to these outings.

 

She said she'll invite me next time they do an outing near our home that way we can take care of the dogs and head out.

 

I don't know how to get her to open up. I tried to talk to her the other night and all I got was that she's 'thinking things through right now with the divorce' and 'she wants to live life now'. I don't want to get in the way of her living her life, but I envisioned that I'd be in that life. I'm not sure why she said yes to the engagement if she wanted something different. The proposal was recent.

 

Well, of course. That's what marriage is. It doesn't mean you cannot have your own social circles and interests, but it certainly does mean keeping the lines of communication open and not shutting your partner out, as she seems to be doing.

 

You need to start spending more quality time together if this relationship is going to survive. Plan some dates for the two of you, alone. Is she resistant to this? If she is avoiding spending much time with you at all, you have a big reason to be concerned. How old are you both? I ask because I'd be curious to know if you'd both dated others much before you met, given you've been together quite a while. Perhaps she is feeling things have gotten a bit stale; how do you feel about it?

 

Wearing her engagement ring is of little relevance when she hangs out with her colleagues. If someone has his eye on her (or vice versa) wearing a ring will not necessarily protect your relationship.

[Redhead14]

My then girlfriend, now fiance, live together on a property we had purchased together. We also have two dogs together that we take care of.

 

Recently my then girlfriend, now fiance, started to hang out for drinks with colleagues from her former workplace. She would go out late for drinks with them until 2-3am in the morning. She also started to have a very busy calendar which include late dinners & holiday parties with older friends and work colleagues. She isn't home much anymore than just to go to bed.

I purchased a engagement ring and proposed to her after she started having a busy schedule. This was part of my plan as I had finished up graduate school, exams and was recently hired for a great job that will require significant time investment from me. I figured this was the best time to propose and plan for the wedding during this transition before I start my new job. She accepted my proposal and soon started looking for wedding locations. She also decided on and I purchased the wedding band that she wanted.

 

The wedding location search lasted about a week until it stopped abruptly when she found out her parents were getting a divorce. Since then she started to feel very distant to me. I hardly get to see her anymore besides preparing for bed because of her busy schedule. I'm solely taking care of the dogs on my own now, I feel almost like a single parent. When she is around, our conversations are no longer the same. Sometimes she doesn't even respond or responds in an abbreviated manner.

 

She wears her engagement ring everywhere, everyday. She also announced our engagement to our friends in an outing we had this week.

 

I confronted her about this behavior one night because I wanted to target a time for the wedding so that I can manage expectations from my new job. She said that a lot of things were happening in her life, the engagement and the parental divorce and that she needed time to think things through. She said she wasn't sure of the timing anymore. I asked why she couldn't decide on a time since she first suggested the spring, she responded with the 'I don't know'. I told her that she can take the time to think it through and that I'd be there to talk to her when she was ready. I honestly don't know whats actually bothering her and I don't think she does either.

 

I am very concerned about our relationship. I want to marry her but her unwillingness to set a time, her absence form the home, and the distance I feel when she is around has me very concerned. Could anyone shed some light on this? The most important thing for me is for her and I to be happy, even if it means we need to take a break or split. However I can't rationalize whats bothering her and she doesn't offer any clue on how this can be remedied.

 

Anyone know whats going on?

 

The divorce would be a difficult thing for her to digest and she will need a little space. On top of that you've asked her to marry you. These are emotionally charged events and would be overwhelming to have happen all at once.

 

You two are now engaged. This is the period of "testing" the strength of the relationship before marriage. You should take care of whatever needs to be taken care of for yourself right now so that you aren't "dragged" down as well. In other words, take care of yourself. You can't be the supportive and caring partner you need to be if you don't do that. If there are shared responsibilities and she isn't doing her part, you should attempt to keep her in that fold. Don't push too hard, but remind her that she has responsibilities to the house/relationship and while she is struggling emotionally, she should try to keep up with the other things.

 

If this lasts for more than a month, you may need to take a "break", but try to ride this out and be patient with her. This is what she needs right now.

[Redhead14]

Listen to this girl. A woman doesn't just randomly lose interest. All those outings involve another guy. It's not her parents' divorce or whatever bs excuse.

 

You need to start fading out and going your own way. Especially with that new job you have because she will definitely bleed you dry in the divorce if you decide to go ahead with this marriage.

 

Dump her. She's a cheating loser.

 

He doesn't know for sure what's what. What he does know for sure is that her parents are divorcing and he's asked he to marry him. He should understand that these two things are huge life events. They are engaged! The first stage of true commitment. He needs to ride this out for a little while at least.

[bubbaganoosh]

Just keep an eye on things and if your gut is telling you that something is wrong, it probably is.

 

Then you open your mouth and let her know that you aren't happy with the way things are and the way she's acting and she needs to fill you in. If she can't then you let her know that if she can't go that extra step then how does she expect a marriage to survive.

 

Put the ball in her corner and let her know that it's up to her and her actions will tell the tale.

[d0nnivain]

Her WHOLE WORLD just got turned upside down & inside out. Her parents are splitting & she's reeling. The relationship that formed the bedrock of how she defined herself as a person just shattered before her very eyes on the eve of when she began trying to build her own future.

 

 

Give the lady some support. Talk to her about this tragedy & help her process her grief.

 

 

It may result in you postponing your own wedding while she re-defines what marriage means. But if you love her & want this to work, help her through this struggle.

 

 

Let her live life but show her how you two can do it together. Just because they split doesn't mean you are doomed to failure.

[jjshakeem]

Guys,

 

Thanks for all the advice. We went to breakfast this morning and she finally came out with it. We're breaking up. She said she wanted to live the single life, to find herself. I don't know what this all means, but I feel better now that she communicated that to me. I'm also feeling very devastated at the sametime. The time I took to finish graduate degree and exams really took a toll on her. She said the intimacy was fleeting and that she doesnt think it'll ever be the same. I offered to reconcile this as I have a lot more time now after finishing education. But she wouldn't budge. She said 3 years ago she would of happily married with children, that now this ship has sailed and I can't fix it no matter what. Before starting school and exams I had fully disclose to her that this would take a lot of time from us. I neglected our relationship during that time and fully regret it. I did the education so that I could secure this new job and start a family with her and that was the plan between both of us.

 

I'm notsure what to do now, besides just parting ways. I really love a d care for her and she expressed that to me as well. But she has fallen out of love and refuses to give it a second shot.

[Ic1]

Guys,

 

Thanks for all the advice. We went to breakfast this morning and she finally came out with it. We're breaking up. She said she wanted to live the single life, to find herself. I don't know what this all means, but I feel better now that she communicated that to me. I'm also feeling very devastated at the sametime. The time I took to finish graduate degree and exams really took a toll on her. She said the intimacy was fleeting and that she doesnt think it'll ever be the same. I offered to reconcile this as I have a lot more time now after finishing education. But she wouldn't budge. She said 3 years ago she would of happily married with children, that now this ship has sailed and I can't fix it no matter what. Before starting school and exams I had fully disclose to her that this would take a lot of time from us. I neglected our relationship during that time and fully regret it. I did the education so that I could secure this new job and start a family with her and that was the plan between both of us.

 

I'm notsure what to do now, besides just parting ways. I really love a d care for her and she expressed that to me as well. But she has fallen out of love and refuses to give it a second shot.

 

It's better it happened now, and don't let her go back to you after some time of her living and finding you were really the one. If it truly was your grad school time that made her think a distance, and you even addressed this to her before it, it says something about her. She has an expectation of time from you, and doesn't feel such time is expected from her. She put that distance from you with partying. Not a more legitimate reason like school.

 

Doesn't matter why now. Just matters you accept it as something that can't be done now. Many try to use a man in such a situation as a backup if they know they can get him back whenever they want.

[FadedSign52]

Translation: I have met another guy and I want to explore my other options. I am also going to frame it under the guise of you being busy with school.

 

Thats not going to make him feel any better.

 

Try not to dwell on it OP and move on, there are plenty of fish in the sea

[Space Ritual]

Guys,

 

Thanks for all the advice. We went to breakfast this morning and she finally came out with it. We're breaking up. She said she wanted to live the single life, to find herself. I don't know what this all means, but I feel better now that she communicated that to me. I'm also feeling very devastated at the sametime. The time I took to finish graduate degree and exams really took a toll on her. She said the intimacy was fleeting and that she doesnt think it'll ever be the same. I offered to reconcile this as I have a lot more time now after finishing education. But she wouldn't budge. She said 3 years ago she would of happily married with children, that now this ship has sailed and I can't fix it no matter what. Before starting school and exams I had fully disclose to her that this would take a lot of time from us. I neglected our relationship during that time and fully regret it. I did the education so that I could secure this new job and start a family with her and that was the plan between both of us.

 

I'm notsure what to do now, besides just parting ways. I really love a d care for her and she expressed that to me as well. But she has fallen out of love and refuses to give it a second shot.

 

Nothing like a Christmas Eve breakup. Sorry man, that sucks but hey now you know.

 

Well at least she was honest with you, somewhat. Many people aren't honest at all and would rather dance around the issue. From your initial post I think there was more to the story than her parents divorcing that made her have a change of heart about the wedding. Her outings and the people she was with had plenty to do with it.

 

What she meant by living the single life was she wanted to have sex with people that are not you. People can explain away things like this all they want, its just a fact and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

Do not be surprised if she jumps right into another relationship, if she wasn't in one already, unbeknownst to you. I imagine she probably will soon enough. Seems like whatever family problems she may have had are going to translate into and justify a "Live for today" attitude. So basically you dodged a bullet.

 

The best thing you can do now is to make her insignificant.

 

Easier said than done I know especially after so long together, but the point of all of this is to reach indifference toward her. Seriously cut her out of your life as soon as possible even if you have to have somebody else move your stuff out of your place. You'll find your most loyal friends on moving day...always.

 

As cheesy as it sounds, TIME really does help.

 

So grieve if you must but don't grieve too long. Your future awaits...You actually just got a great Holiday Gift. No more wondering.

[Space Ritual]

Thats not going to make him feel any better.

 

Try not to dwell on it OP and move on, there are plenty of fish in the sea

 

I agree, but there is no point blowing smoke up the guy's ass. Tis better to be able to deal with the truth as soon as possible than left wondering all the why's, which in this case was not hard to figure out.