Let's hear from men who are successful with women

December 23, 2015

We see plenty of threads from struggling men, but how about we hear from men who are successful with women (if there are any on these forums )? Tell us your success story. How did you get your current gf, and what path led you there? What worked for you?

December 23, 2015

I think for me, honestly, a big part was rejection and actually going a bit into the PUA scene. I know it has a bad rep, but the ideas behind it are right: confidence is key, and until then, fake it till you make it. Go out there and be prepared to fail, and be prepared to learn.

I got rejected once, and I thought I would never find anyone. I got into PUA and learned that you did not have to be the nice guy. I got my first girlfriend and first kisses by faking my confidence, by being playful. It slowly taught me to find my real self and allow me to be the person I want to be. If the girl doesn't like me (which happens) then I know we are not a match, and that's that. Not every girl has to work out with you, that's part of understanding how dating works.

Relationships wise, I can still learn a bit. I think with each relationship I learn more what I need, and how I need to behave. I think there is some good material out there too on how to accomplish this, but just like with 'figuring out' the dating scene, it mostly just takes practice, willingness to make mistakes and learn from them.

December 23, 2015

Never was a player by any means. But like czen said, the turning point for me, was stopping being too much of a nice guy. At least at first. Being a little more assertive went a long way.

Regardless of what advice is given in here though, I feel like the angry lonely crowd will come in and say it's all wrong and would never work for them.

December 23, 2015

Want to know how I got more successful with women?

I stopped caring so much. Single, in a relationship, whatever...I'm good either way. It's easier to be confident and more outgoing when you're not trying to impress. You're just being naturally you.

I also don't defer to women anymore. I make my own decisions and do what I want. They're welcome to come along for the ride, but I don't adjust what I'm doing for their sake.

I've noticed that really pretty girls are used to being hit on and treated with preferential treatment. I'm not mean to them, I just don't treat them any differently. There's a hot young girl who started working in my building recently, and I'd totally smash her. But I don't give her that vibe. I've talked and joked with her, made her laugh and smile, and then ended the conversation.

I've caught her looking my way and smiling at me when she hears my voice or our paths cross.

I'm not saying she's into me, but she notices my presence and seems to at least have a positive reaction to it. But if she didn't? No biggie. Life goes on, man.

For me, my secret was to just stop caring as much. I became more relaxed and easygoing. Ladies have generally responded positively to that.

December 23, 2015

Successful in what way?

In attracting many prospects? Having sex with many women? Finding a good partner and forming a relationship? Sustaining a long term relationship?

Know what your goals are before you decide whether you’ve been successful in achieving them.

December 23, 2015

If getting a girlfriend is your frame of reference here,

then being successful is something I think most men will not fear,

for getting a girlfriend is hardly the hard part...

It's finding one that won't step on your heart!

December 23, 2015

I posted about this before in another thread, but my experience was similar to czen.

As I came of age and was introduced to girls I was raised with a lot of notions that overly idealized girls/women and I assumed the lion's share of responsibility of how a relationship worked/progressed. I think that the people that gave the advice (mostly women and some men) had the best of intentions but there were some unintended consequences of that paradigm between the sexes. Some those things were I didn't really hold women accountable for poor behavior (I assumed I did something to provoke it), I discounted my own needs (I thought that I was being gallant, chivalrous or "a real man"), I valued myself if the woman (or women in general) were happy or not. and so on.

I finally reached a point when I did stop seeing women as complicated and tough to figure out and realized that they had the same base impulses as men; which meant that they also had many of the same vices and virtues. I stopped assuming that I was an a-hole when I wanted to say 'no' and if I was rejected I saw it as a sign that we weren't meant to be together instead of a cue for me to pander, sell my soul or chase.

My relationships with women in general improved dramatically eventhough I did spend time separating the wheat from the chaffe, which is far better than blaming yourself for someone else's whims and flights of fancy.

The rest is history, I met my wife and have been married for almost 13 years.

Its one of the reasons that a lot of the advice I give to young men doesn't include trying to get them to ponder over how to appease so much as doing what they can live with as a person. Sometimes that advice is very unpopular. LOL!

December 23, 2015

Yeah, can we define success?

Can it be measured other than at 90 years old, looking back on a life?

December 23, 2015

I think for me, honestly, a big part was rejection and actually going a bit into the PUA scene. I know it has a bad rep, but the ideas behind it are right: confidence is key, and until then, fake it till you make it. Go out there and be prepared to fail, and be prepared to learn.

I got rejected once, and I thought I would never find anyone. I got into PUA and learned that you did not have to be the nice guy. I got my first girlfriend and first kisses by faking my confidence, by being playful. It slowly taught me to find my real self and allow me to be the person I want to be. If the girl doesn't like me (which happens) then I know we are not a match, and that's that. Not every girl has to work out with you, that's part of understanding how dating works.

Relationships wise, I can still learn a bit. I think with each relationship I learn more what I need, and how I need to behave. I think there is some good material out there too on how to accomplish this, but just like with 'figuring out' the dating scene, it mostly just takes practice, willingness to make mistakes and learn from them.

Yeah, I think the problem with this forum is that you have two large factions of people:

1. The all-male "we're nice guys and women are shallow b*tches who only want tall rich jerks" crowd

2. The all-female "we're nice ladies who just want a guy to bring us milk and cookies and listen to us talk about our feelings" crowd.

Threads on here are about overall self-improvement are usually 10% useful advice and and 90% abstract ideological struggle between these two factions of people. When in reality things aren't that black and white. But there are some very helpful posters. normal person and organizedchaos off the top of my head give good advice.

December 23, 2015

Successful in what way?
In attracting many prospects? Having sex with many women? Finding a good partner and forming a relationship? Sustaining a long term relationship?

Any of the above -- which frankly is the opposite of what we see in these struggling/forever alone/long term celibate/involuntarily single threads by guys who can't seem to find a woman to save their life. Maybe there's something we can learn and emulate from men who are doing well with women.

December 23, 2015

Maybe there's something we can learn and emulate from men who are doing well with women.

Best strategy is to be a girl.

December 23, 2015

Any of the above -- which frankly is the opposite of what we see in these struggling/forever alone/long term celibate/involuntarily single threads by guys who can't seem to find a woman to save their life. Maybe there's something we can learn and emulate from men who are doing well with women.

Well if you're "open for anything as long as the other person has a vag" then you've lost the battle before you've even started. Confident, self-assured men want something specific and know what is. Or at least can fake it. Women don't want you to chase them they want you to choose them.

December 23, 2015

Any of the above -- which frankly is the opposite of what we see in these struggling/forever alone/long term celibate/involuntarily single threads by guys who can't seem to find a woman to save their life. Maybe there's something we can learn and emulate from men who are doing well with women.

Let's keep in mind that a lot of those guys are also fairly young and are still in the early stages of the learning curve.

Most everyone whose posted went through a long period of trial and error, which I think is normal.

December 23, 2015

Add non emotional to that. Girls choose guys for the stupidest reasons.

That's a pretty broad brush you've got there, my friend.

I think it all bears down to women want an integrated male. A guy who is who he is, and he is comfortable with that.

Generally guys who struggle all have one thing in common; there is something about themselves that they deem insufficient to some degree. Some part of them feels unworthy. Which makes them try that much harder.

We can all smell desperation on both genders.

But when people finally learn to let go, that stress and anxiety disappears. This allows the person to be natural with others, which is the first step towards building confidence.

December 24, 2015

Be who you are and be authentic and things should fall in place. You don't need to be a jerk but people respect realness and somebody who has a core.

December 24, 2015

That's a pretty broad brush you've got there, my friend.

I think it all bears down to women want an integrated male. A guy who is who he is, and he is comfortable with that.

Generally guys who struggle all have one thing in common; there is something about themselves that they deem insufficient to some degree. Some part of them feels unworthy. Which makes them try that much harder.

We can all smell desperation on both genders.

But when people finally learn to let go, that stress and anxiety disappears. This allows the person to be natural with others, which is the first step towards building confidence.

Very interesting.

December 24, 2015

Very interesting.

Just don't try so hard, bro. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way. Learn how to be single. Take a class, further your career, take a trip. There's plenty to experience without a relationship.

The more you do for yourself, and the more successful you become, the happier with yourself you will be. That's a huge part of attracting a mate.

December 24, 2015

Just don't try so hard, bro. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way. Learn how to be single. Take a class, further your career, take a trip. There's plenty to experience without a relationship.

The more you do for yourself, and the more successful you become, the happier with yourself you will be. That's a huge part of attracting a mate.

Yes!

People post on here "how do I become more confident?"

You get off your butt and give yourself reasons to be more confident. Confidence is a symptom of self esteem it's not an end in itself.

December 24, 2015

Let's keep in mind that a lot of those guys are also fairly young and are still in the early stages of the learning curve.

Most everyone whose posted went through a long period of trial and error, which I think is normal.

This is worth repeating.

It's a huge learning curve.

I started as far behind the curve as you can get.

Got my first real girlfriend by taking her snowboarding with a group. Looking in my rearview mirror driving back, she was making sex faces at me the whole way. Was also the captain of the cheerleading team.

I did absolutely nothing right to get that year long relationship. Landed in my lap. She thought I was cool.

As others came along, I did learn how to get them, vs dumb luck. Started my climb up the rungs of the most attractive (to me) girls on Earth.

It progressed over the years with various relationships until marriage.

After marriage, I became some kind of expert at hooking up and getting an initial interest. Haven't been able to follow through and every girl has sensed this after a while. I don't return texts fast enough or keep asking them out.

But, if I was ready to, i could seal some deals.

All of this was a lot of trial and error. Also,having all women as friends and growing up with mostly all women really, really helped. I can communicate much better with women than with men. That's a huge boost.

At what point in the mating dance does the op need help?

That's still not clear to me

Edited December 24, 2015 by loveweary11

December 24, 2015

At what point in the mating dance does the op need help?

That's still not clear to me

Personally, I would say my own problem is that initial interest. I live a fairly fulfilling life and am decent looking. But as far as I can tell, I'm not capturing women's attention. I'm kind of invisible to them .

December 24, 2015

I think there's a general stereotype that people believe about those who have success in dating have always had success and itjust comes natural.

I myself am in my mid-late 20s and have had about as much success as someone could hope to have throughout my life (at least I'm satisfied with how it is) but that wasn't always the case. Slowly evolved and as I observed more about what girls reacted to and found appealing, I was able to mold my interactions with them which led to better and better results with better and better looking girls.

While I'm sure there's definitely some from my past who would call me an ******* or that I was a player, I'm also sure that if I ran into any of them tomorrow, 90% would be willing to get drinks/dinner if I asked. Why? I always made sure that I was enjoyable to be around and that my mood and focus wasn't relying on the girl. Never did anything that would sully my reputation in a way that couldn't be fixed easily. When you're in high school and college especially, it's just as important to have your name and reputation be high or well spoken about. And once you hook up with or date a great looking or high class girl, then all the rest become available because the thought of "well.. If She saw something in him then I'm a little curious now".

The conversations that I had when I first met someone were always upbeat and a little different than what most guys talked about. I ask out of the box questions and involve the people they're with so that I'm not just the random guy creeping and hitting on you.

There's also a misconception that good looking athletic guys just get smoking hot girls with ease. Believe me, I've been with my fair share of lagoon creatures. A common saying my friends and I had was that "you have to slay a few dragons to get to the princess". You go through dry spells where it's weeks and months without getting anything. Then you're hooking up with 3 girls in one night at a bar. Comes in cycles for a lot of guys. I never expected to have a girl say "yes" or "here's my number". I went into it knowing that I was probably gonna get rejected but screw it, Im trying anyways and if she's not into me then there's 250 other girls here that might be.

Being able to recognize the different body language from girls was something I always did well. The first thing I did was try to make eye contact. If her eyes met mine and stayed there for more than just a second, then I knew that I was at least registering in her head, even subconsciously, and I could give it a shot with a pretty good idea that she'd at least allow me to talk to her for a minute. Most guys find that first approach and intro with a stranger to be the biggest hurdle to get over. It was always uncomfortable even when I knew the girl was blatantly wanting me to come over. Being able to push past that uncomfort is what separates most of the men from the rest.

December 24, 2015

I'd have to write a book to talk about all that. I'm not bragging, just saying it's a lot to talk about. It includes lessons learned through many years of experience, and I'm still learning...

I'll tell you one thing, though: The focus used to be sex, sex, and more sex. Now, the focus is love, family, and a happy life with someone. And that second list of desires is a lot more difficult to reach than the first.

December 24, 2015

I'd have to write a book to talk about all that. I'm not bragging, just saying it's a lot to talk about. It includes lessons learned through many years of experience, and I'm still learning...

I'll tell you one thing, though: The focus used to be sex, sex, and more sex. Now, the focus is love, family, and a happy life with someone. And that second list of desires is a lot more difficult to reach than the first.

Agreed. But I also think it depends on who you're going after or interested in at the time. There were tons of girls I wanted to get with just bc of physical attraction but I knew they weren't anyone I'd wanna have to deal with as a girlfriend. Then there's the girls who you know are gonna take more work because they're more of a girlfriend type. Personally I never dated anyone who I couldn't see myself being with in 5 years. Why waste my time and have a girlfriend for a year or 2 when I know that I'd never want to marry you?

A lot of people aren't able to see that far ahead so it's not for everyone. But if you can, it also makes the rejections hurt less because you knew that person wasn't a long term option to begin with so there's nothing to get bent outta shape over

December 24, 2015

I had a massive run of success with women in the past few months. I've never been in a relationship, so I can't tell you about that, but I have had sex with a fair amount of attractive women.

What I did was put myself out there constantly and consistently. I went out every single night and I approached women constantly. I was blown out many, many times, but I started to learn about nuances in female behavior and I started to pick up on things.

I pretty much condensed many years of experience with women into a few weeks, so that I could learn as much as possible. I am definitely in the mode of wanting sex right now, but that may change later on.

Definitely be assertive, be clear in your intent, and make her feel wanted.

I am still a beginner and I still have a long way to go.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Camaro Guy

December 24, 2015

Personally, I would say my own problem is that initial interest. I live a fairly fulfilling life and am decent looking. But as far as I can tell, I'm not capturing women's attention. I'm kind of invisible to them .

Ok. Here's what you need to get the initial attraction.

Look good. Be a hot guy. Be in shape and have a unique, non f boy style. Have a life. Seem interesting on a surface level.

Be different from other guys.

Treat the girls differently than other guys.

Be memorable.

Be cool.

In short... stand out from the crowd.

If you've done the above well, you barely have to put actual work into getting them at all, other than standard treating them nicely, showing them a good time.

They just line up if you get the above surface stuff down.

That's the initial attraction stuff.

Edited December 24, 2015 by loveweary11

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