Not Man enough?

[memento mori]

Hey all

I am a 22 year old med-student, and have been with my(first) girlfriend for about a year now and we have been having som issues lately..

 

In the beginning my girlfriend always told me that she loved me for who i was as a person, and that i was perfect for her. I am a calm, sensitive, quite, kind and loving person, thats how my friends describe me. I always listen to her, caress her, and never stopped showing i loved her(and she is aware of this). She used to say that i was the kindest and most reliable person she knew, which made me feel strong and confident about myself.

 

Knowing my positive qualities, and that i will be a doctor in the near future, i know for a fact that i would be able to care for my significant other emotionally and economically. My girlfriend however, has decided that this is not was she wants in life.

 

She outright told me that she does not like the "supernice and sensitive guy" i was, an that she wants me to be more of a man. She wants me to be more "rude", get angry more often and generally have a badboy-attitude. She says that since i am so calm, quiet and nice, she feels like the man in the relationship. She wants me to be more like the 50shades guy mr.grey, which she totally adoooores and keeps mentioning too me, despite me telling her i have no interest in hearing about or becoming like him. When i do tell her to top mentioning this mr.grey too me, she starts calling me childish and insecure.

 

I wish she would appreciate the good qualities i have, instead of destoying my self-esteem by telling me im not man enough?? Who the hell says that to someone they love, and is it impossible for a woman to love a man who is not macho, but the caring and sensitive type?

 

This whole argument happened a few days ago. I asked her if she wants to be in a relationship with me, and she replied:

"Yes i the future, but not now because im not happy."

We havent talked since(3-4 days), she is so unclear, does she want to end it?

 

How should this be handled, i am really really hurt and confused.

[PegNosePete]

Why have you started a new thread, rather than returning to your old one?

 

My advice in your other thread still stands.

[hasaquestion]

Hey all

I am a 22 year old med-student, and have been with my(first) girlfriend for about a year now and we have been having som issues lately..

 

In the beginning my girlfriend always told me that she loved me for who i was as a person, and that i was perfect for her. I am a calm, sensitive, quite, kind and loving person, thats how my friends describe me. I always listen to her, caress her, and never stopped showing i loved her(and she is aware of this). She used to say that i was the kindest and most reliable person she knew, which made me feel strong and confident about myself.

 

Knowing my positive qualities, and that i will be a doctor in the near future, i know for a fact that i would be able to care for my significant other emotionally and economically. My girlfriend however, has decided that this is not was she wants in life.

 

She outright told me that she does not like the "supernice and sensitive guy" i was, an that she wants me to be more of a man. She wants me to be more "rude", get angry more often and generally have a badboy-attitude. She says that since i am so calm, quiet and nice, she feels like the man in the relationship. She wants me to be more like the 50shades guy mr.grey, which she totally adoooores and keeps mentioning too me, despite me telling her i have no interest in hearing about or becoming like him. When i do tell her to top mentioning this mr.grey too me, she starts calling me childish and insecure.

 

I wish she would appreciate the good qualities i have, instead of destoying my self-esteem by telling me im not man enough?? Who the hell says that to someone they love, and is it impossible for a woman to love a man who is not macho, but the caring and sensitive type?

 

This whole argument happened a few days ago. I asked her if she wants to be in a relationship with me, and she replied:

"Yes i the future, but not now because im not happy."

We havent talked since(3-4 days), she is so unclear, does she want to end it?

 

How should this be handled, i am really really hurt and confused.

 

You should do some inward thinking about whether or not you are a "nice guy".

*Do you have low-self esteem?

*Do you avoid disagreements and confrontations?

*Are you afraid of being alone?

*Do you kiss up to your girlfriend and to people in general?

*Do you consistently place other people's needs before yours?

*Do you ask her permission to do everything?

Evaluate how you do things honestly. Because the last thing you want to be is a self-styled "nice guy" who is insecure and needy and weak.

 

If you decide that you are doing things the right way, then screw the girlfriend. She can find someone else. But think about it because its possible the truth lies somewhere in between.

[czen]

Like if you feel like you are being your true self (a nice guy because that's really you, instead of being one who is one just to appease others) then dump her. You guys are not a match, your girlfriend knows it, so so should you.

 

I used to be your stereotypical nice guy, always saying sweet stuff, taking care of her, being there no matter what, etc. Now, if that's just really what you want to be, then be that. I on the other hand, noticed it was not the real me, I just thought from all the Hollywood movies, that is the person you're supposed to be around girls. So later on I evolved into someone who is a bit more of a bad boy. Still a very nice guy at its core, but I tease girls, do some random exciting stuff, etc. That's who I am.

 

So figure out who you are, and act accordingly.

[dobielover]

Something about the way you described yourself, particularly saying that you always caress her, strikes me as very feminine and emotional and clingy.

 

I wouldn't like a man like that, either. I think by using the Christian Grey example, she's using an extreme to try to get the pendulum to shift, but not that she literally wants you to become that dominant. That said, if you've read the books or seen the movie, he's really not an *********, he's just a dom in bed.

[Snaggletooth]

Hey all

I am a 22 year old med-student, and have been with my(first) girlfriend for about a year now and we have been having som issues lately..

 

In the beginning my girlfriend always told me that she loved me for who i was as a person, and that i was perfect for her. I am a calm, sensitive, quite, kind and loving person, thats how my friends describe me. I always listen to her, caress her, and never stopped showing i loved her(and she is aware of this). She used to say that i was the kindest and most reliable person she knew, which made me feel strong and confident about myself.

 

Knowing my positive qualities, and that i will be a doctor in the near future, i know for a fact that i would be able to care for my significant other emotionally and economically. My girlfriend however, has decided that this is not was she wants in life.

 

She outright told me that she does not like the "supernice and sensitive guy" i was, an that she wants me to be more of a man. She wants me to be more "rude", get angry more often and generally have a badboy-attitude. She says that since i am so calm, quiet and nice, she feels like the man in the relationship. She wants me to be more like the 50shades guy mr.grey, which she totally adoooores and keeps mentioning too me, despite me telling her i have no interest in hearing about or becoming like him. When i do tell her to top mentioning this mr.grey too me, she starts calling me childish and insecure.

 

I wish she would appreciate the good qualities i have, instead of destoying my self-esteem by telling me im not man enough?? Who the hell says that to someone they love, and is it impossible for a woman to love a man who is not macho, but the caring and sensitive type?

 

This whole argument happened a few days ago. I asked her if she wants to be in a relationship with me, and she replied:

"Yes i the future, but not now because im not happy."

We havent talked since(3-4 days), she is so unclear, does she want to end it?

 

How should this be handled, i am really really hurt and confused.

 

I'd tell her to grow the f*ck up. Tell her to stop yapping about fictional characters and live in the real world. Tell her to stop being so insulting and show some damned respect. Tell her if she wants a future with you then to wise up before she loses you, because you are interested in real women who can handle a responsible, loving, caring, intelligent, ambitious, hardworking man.

 

In other words, do what she says, fire up a little when she insults you, don't take it and complain to strangers about her knocking your self esteem. Stand up for yourself. Draw a line in the sand. Don't let her knock your self esteem in the first place. If she has a tantrum walk away and let her have one. If she continues to belittle you then tell her to go find someone else to insult.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself she ain't going to respect you. Without respect, there's nothing.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Snaggletooth

[katiegrl]

I'd tell her to grow the f*ck up. Tell her to stop yapping about fictional characters and live in the real world. Tell her to stop being so insulting and show some damned respect. Tell her if she wants a future with you then to wise up before she loses you, because you are interested in real women who can handle a responsible, loving, caring, intelligent, ambitious, hardworking man.

 

In other words, do what she says, fire up a little when she insults you, don't take it and complain to strangers about her knocking your self esteem. Stand up for yourself. Draw a line in the sand. Don't let her knock your self esteem in the first place. If she has a tantrum walk away and let her have one. If she continues to belittle you then tell her to go find someone else to insult.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself she ain't going to respect you. Without respect, there's nothing.

 

Hey Snaggle.... I've got a feeling YOU are exactly the type of man she is wanting...and needing. Not sure the OP could pull it off though... if it's not the true him.

 

It's kinda hard being the type of man who doesn't take shyt from women (people) if that's not who you are. I mean I suppose he could learn....but if he does not have it in him....it may be best to just move on.

[Wewon]

 

She outright told me that she does not like the "supernice and sensitive guy" i was, an that she wants me to be more of a man. She wants me to be more "rude", get angry more often and generally have a badboy-attitude. She says that since i am so calm, quiet and nice, she feels like the man in the relationship. She wants me to be more like the 50shades guy mr.grey, which she totally adoooores and keeps mentioning too me, despite me telling her i have no interest in hearing about or becoming like him. When i do tell her to top mentioning this mr.grey too me, she starts calling me childish and insecure.

 

 

Ditch her. Let her find this guy that she's longing for and you move on to a better match.

 

If you stay, best case scenario: You feel like an actor in the most intimate relationship of your life.

 

Worst case scenario: You jump through these hoops and she cheats and leaves after telling you how "you've changed".

 

You've got to be true to yourself, even if that means being alone.

[basil67]

Yesterday you posted that the two of you had broken up. And today you post this. What's going on?

[sambolini]

If she says you're not man enough for her, the best way to prove her wrong is to ditch her. Coldly and without remorse.

 

Do not base your sense of self worth on what this one human thinks of you.

[oldshirt]

I

 

 

am a calm, sensitive, quite, kind and loving person, thats how my friends describe me. I always listen to her, caress her, and never stopped showing i loved her(and she is aware of this). She used to say that i was the kindest and most reliable person she knew, which made me feel strong and confident about myself.

 

Knowing my positive qualities, and that i will be a doctor in the near future, i know for a fact that i would be able to care for my significant other emotionally and economically.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

Those are all what are known as 'beta' traits. Those are good qualities and are necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. beta traits and behaviors are things that develop trust and security and comfort in a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

However those traits and behaviors must also be balanced out by 'alpha' traits and behaviors.

 

 

Alpha traits and behaviors are things typically seen as masculine such as competitiveness, dominance, courageousness, assertiveness, intiative, decisiveness, future planning, power, high social status, muscularity, athleticism, sexually assertive etc etc.

 

 

She is clearly and unambiguously saying she wants you to be more assertive, dominant, competitive and masculine. She wants you to be more decisive and more assertive in asserting what you want. she wants you to take the lead in the relationship and take the lead in the bedroom.

 

 

she wants you to have a more 'take charge' attitude and not try to appease everybody.

 

 

Now make no mistake, when you try to do these things she will complain and push back. you will be tempted to capitulate and go back to being a passive yes-man. DONT DO IT! That is called a sht-test and you will fail.

 

 

Start showing more initiative and start making things happen and start taking more initiative in the things you do and in all areas of your life, not just with her.

 

 

Take this very seriously. This was a warning most guys do not get. Most "nice guys" the first warning they get is when their GF stops having sex with them altogether and then they find out she's banging dudes at the bar. If you don't address this, she absolutely will be getting it on with other, more masculine guys if she hasn't already. There is a chance she has gotten it on with a more assertive, masculine guy and now she has a taste for it.

[oldshirt]

If she says you're not man enough for her, the best way to prove her wrong is to ditch her. Coldly and without remorse.

 

Do not base your sense of self worth on what this one human thinks of you.

 

 

 

And if bumping up the assertiveness and initiative doesn't work, then do this.

 

 

Walking away from some chick that is wanting other dudes and wanting you to change who and what you are and not looking back is one of the most 'alpha' things you can do.

 

 

Chasing after her promising to change is one of the weakest.

[justanotherguy1]

If this is her attitude then its best you end things and find someone who appreciates you for who you truly are.. Nice guys are hard to come by and youd think women are into the bad boy stereotype but they arent. Also u need to look at this as she may be slightly right and you need to be more assertive and just be a dick sometimes so people wont cross you or walk all over you. But at the end of it you need to know if this women makes you feel like a million bucks or a cheap quarter. Thats the most important, screw love.

[bubbaganoosh]

Got news for you friend. Being rude, crude and nasty doesn't make you a man. I'm a 68 year old man who lost his macho a long time ago so I've been there and done that.

 

Your not the problem. it's you idiot girlfriend who likes to submerse herself in trashy romance novels and makes believe it's real.

 

If it's me, I tell her this. This is who I am and if you can't handle it then take a walk. Go find your bad boy, shack up with him and while she's riding around in a beat up old 1983 Chevy with aluminum tape holding it together, living in a trailer on the edge of town and visiting her bad boy boyfriend at the state pen once a month, you'll be in a nice house, driving a "Beemer" wondering what the poor people are doing and have a good family.

 

Do not change who you are. If you do then your not you. Unload her friend. She's not worth you time and sweat.

[Buddhist]

Give her what she wants. Stop talking to her and in about a week post a pic of your new gf on Facebook. Easy!

[oldshirt]

You don't have to be rude or obnoxious or intrusive or a dck to be a man or to get chicks.

 

But what you do have to do is have boundaries and enforce them, have goals and pursue them and stand up for yourself and not let people, ESPECIALLY YOUR GF, push you around.

 

If she can push you around and manipulate you, she will assume others can push you around and manipulate you and that will make you weak in her eyes.

 

Women can't respect men that they perceive as weak and they can't desire men they don't respect.

[loveweary11]

Dump this pile of garbage immediately.

 

You'll never be happy with someone as moronic as her.

 

If she wants a miserable life filled with drama and bailing her dude out of jail while he crashes her car while not working and cheating on her, by all means...

 

Give her the gift.

 

Dump her and never look back.

 

She'll end up in the above type relationship next and you can have a good laugh.

[oberkeat]

Hey all

I am a 22 year old med-student, and have been with my(first) girlfriend for about a year now and we have been having som issues lately..

 

In the beginning my girlfriend always told me that she loved me for who i was as a person, and that i was perfect for her. I am a calm, sensitive, quite, kind and loving person, thats how my friends describe me. I always listen to her, caress her, and never stopped showing i loved her(and she is aware of this). She used to say that i was the kindest and most reliable person she knew, which made me feel strong and confident about myself.

 

Knowing my positive qualities, and that i will be a doctor in the near future, i know for a fact that i would be able to care for my significant other emotionally and economically. My girlfriend however, has decided that this is not was she wants in life.

 

She outright told me that she does not like the "supernice and sensitive guy" i was, an that she wants me to be more of a man. She wants me to be more "rude", get angry more often and generally have a badboy-attitude. She says that since i am so calm, quiet and nice, she feels like the man in the relationship. She wants me to be more like the 50shades guy mr.grey, which she totally adoooores and keeps mentioning too me, despite me telling her i have no interest in hearing about or becoming like him. When i do tell her to top mentioning this mr.grey too me, she starts calling me childish and insecure.

 

I wish she would appreciate the good qualities i have, instead of destoying my self-esteem by telling me im not man enough?? Who the hell says that to someone they love, and is it impossible for a woman to love a man who is not macho, but the caring and sensitive type?

 

This whole argument happened a few days ago. I asked her if she wants to be in a relationship with me, and she replied:

"Yes i the future, but not now because im not happy."

We havent talked since(3-4 days), she is so unclear, does she want to end it?

 

How should this be handled, i am really really hurt and confused.

 

If this doesn't show you that women prefer aloof disrespectful jerks, then nothing will. Niceness, politeness, all that stuff disturbs most women. They're highly suspicious of that behavior from men.

 

 

I'd tell her to grow the f*ck up. Tell her to stop yapping about fictional characters and live in the real world. Tell her to stop being so insulting and show some damned respect. Tell her if she wants a future with you then to wise up before she loses you, because you are interested in real women who can handle a responsible, loving, caring, intelligent, ambitious, hardworking man.

 

In other words, do what she says, fire up a little when she insults you, don't take it and complain to strangers about her knocking your self esteem. Stand up for yourself. Draw a line in the sand. Don't let her knock your self esteem in the first place. If she has a tantrum walk away and let her have one. If she continues to belittle you then tell her to go find someone else to insult.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself she ain't going to respect you. Without respect, there's nothing.

 

I agree: if she'd rather have a fictitious character than a real guy with flesh and blood, dump her and leave her to her ridiculous fantasy world.

[memento mori]

thanks for the support guys and girls.

 

Im gonna give it a little time, if things does not get better, i Will end it.

[d0nnivain]

I am a 22 year old med-student, and have been with my(first) girlfriend for about a year now and we have been having som issues lately..

 

 

My girlfriend however, has decided that this is not was she wants in life.

 

She outright told me that she does not like the "supernice and sensitive guy" i was, an that she wants me to be more of a man. She wants me to be more "rude", get angry more often and generally have a badboy-attitude. She says that since i am so calm, quiet and nice, she feels like the man in the relationship. She wants me to be more like the 50shades guy mr.grey, which she totally adoooores and keeps mentioning too me, despite me telling her i have no interest in hearing about or becoming like him. When i do tell her to top mentioning this mr.grey too me, she starts calling me childish and insecure.

 

 

I asked her if she wants to be in a relationship with me, and she replied:

"Yes i the future, but not now because im not happy."

We havent talked since(3-4 days), she is so unclear, does she want to end it?

 

How should this be handled, i am really really hurt and confused.

 

Im gonna give it a little time, if things does not get better, i Will end it.

 

There is no sense in waiting.

 

 

Think of your relationship like a patient. The patient DIED. You, as the doctor, are required to pronounce the time of death. Allowing the dead patient to lay there for a little while longer isn't going to bring the patient back to life, now is it?

 

 

She is out of the relationship emotionally but she's too much of an immature child to end it. She wants a "bad boy". You are not that guy & you will never be that guy.

 

 

Even before your patient / relationship in my analogy above died, wouldn't you as the doctor cut out all the necrotic tissue to save the whole? If it had already spread throughout the system & could no longer safely be removed, you would pronounce the patient / relationship terminal.

 

 

Start applying your medical intelligence to your life.

 

 

Get rid of her & go off to find a healthy fulfilling relationship. You are only hanging on & hoping because she was your 1st relationship & you don't know how to end this. Yes, it is scary but it's for the best.

[Xiomn]

She wants you to be more manly?

 

 

Honestly mate I'd tell her straight up "If you don't like me for who I am then I don't want to be with someone like that/go find someone else"

 

Then proceed to go no contact and don't give her the time of day if she tries to contact you for a while.

 

Do what she wants, act like an alpha male and act like you will drop her at the drop of a hat and find someone else no problem if you disrespect me like that.

 

See how she reacts to that standing up for yourself manliness.

 

Seriously.

Edited December 28, 2015 by Xiomn

[Rejected Rosebud]

You are not compatible. Plus, why do you even like her, she sounds like an idiot.

 

If she wants to be dominated sexually you could experiment with that but I wouldn't bother, for this girl - she doesn't appreciate and like you for the person you really are. :mad:

[katiegrl]

She wants you to be more manly?

 

 

Honestly mate I'd tell her straight up "If you don't like me for who I am then I don't want to be with someone like that/go find someone else"

Then proceed to go no contact and don't give her the time of day if she tries to contact you for a while.

 

Do what she wants, act like an alpha male and act like you will drop her at the drop of a hat and find someone else no problem if you disrespect me like that.

 

See how she reacts to that standing up for yourself manliness.

 

Seriously.

 

Bolded -- I agree! The irony of all this is she wants you to be more manly....but by sticking around trying to be "more manly," you are actually sending her the message that that you are the exact opposite of manly.... you are a doormat, a pushover... jumping like a puppy to make her happy instead of a man who respects himself and who does not tolerate such bull crap from a woman.

 

Stop catering to her to her for gawd's sake. Grow some balls and stand up for yourself.

 

Guarantee if you were the type of man to say what is bolded above.... this shyt would not be happening and she would have some respect for you.

 

Problem is.... you are NOT that type of man, and I highly doubt you ever will be..... so you have no choice but to walk away anyway and find another woman who appreciateS you for WHO YOU ARE....instead of a man she WANTS YOU TO BE.

 

You will probably make a great doctor though.... so good luck!

Edited December 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[Poutrew]

Look, this isn't the girl you are going to introduce to your family. Once you realize that fact, you can chill and have some fun with her. Keep her around for the sex, and for being a free bed warmer (sure beats an electric blanket unless she is a gassy sleeper). Try being a dick to her to see how far you can push it. When you are out, and you see a sexy woman pass you by tell her how impressive the woman's ass who just walked by was... If she balks or get upset give her a really innocent confused look and ask what the problem is. Tell her you read up on Mr. Grey from the book and you are just adopting some of the attitudes he has that she finds attractive. Then without breaking stride tell her you want to set up a 3-way with her and another woman who you know from work who also likes Mr. Grey... Eventually she will start crying and walk out. And, you can laugh your ass off - you were a nice guy and gave her everything she wanted. As she storms out, you can tell her that sometimes you shouldn't get what you wish for...

[Heracles]

Knowing my positive qualities, and that i will be a doctor in the near future, i know for a fact that i would be able to care for my significant other emotionally and economically.

 

Being a man is more than that.

 

I have single question for you: What will you do if your life changes in such a way that you loose everything you have, including your ability to be a doctor? What are you then?

 

Most men make the mistake of equating their value as a man to the things, which make them useful or to their technical skills, material possessions etc.

 

Take a look a some of the successful men in history. They are not necessarily the most skilled technically, but they have an understanding of how things work and a vision that at least 95% of people lack.

 

She might not be using the best approach (referring to 50 shades of grey) but she is pointing you to the right direction.

 

Being masculine is not necessarily akin to being crude, rude etc. Usually, it is a lot more nuanced and subtle than that.

 

Being a doctor, graduating Magna Cum Laude from Harvard is not going to make you more a man. In contrast, developing certain innate human abilities that nobody can take away from you and learning the hard lessons in life might help you get there.

 

Your relationship to adversity, fear, loss, death and pain will teach you more about life than any degree ever will.

 

Most women wouldn't even warn you. They would just start sleeping with somebody else and ditch you. Consider yourself lucky; even though it's not the kind of luck you would have wished for.