Not sure if I am coping or still in shock....

[LostInNC]

It is almost 2 months since he left while I was at work without saying anything and I am not sure if this is coping or if I am still in shock mode. I managed to make it through work and hit my 2 weeks off at winter break. I was originally looking forward to break because of all the things we had planned but now my break is just long and lonely.

 

I am still not sleeping well and I wake up alot or wake up really early and just lay there in the dark thinking about my life with him and how it will be so different without him after 8 years. I don't have any illusions about him coming home because he has been NC since he pulled out of here. I did email him 3 times and 3 text messages to him the first day but nothing since them. He changed his phone number by day 2 so there went any contact.

 

I have lost about 14 pounds which is not bad in my opinion. It could be worse but I think that it is all the calories from Starbucks that I live on. My mind and body is just not concerned with eating I guess. Hey I actually fit into the jeans that were too tight. I guess that is a plus.

 

I have been taking anti-depressants and I don't know if they are working or not because I have never been on them but I am taking them everyday. And I see a therapist once a week and I just go and cry like a big baby. But I keep going and will keep going at least 2 times a month starting in January.

 

My therapist wants me to think of 2 small goals that will get me out of the house and back into socializing and not just at work. I told her I didn't want to play with the other adults and that I didn't want to socialize. But I don't think she is having none of that so I have to come up with 2 small goals. Does walking my dog in the park count? I took out the trash and talked to the neighbor yesterday I wonder if that counts?

 

She made the mistake of saying I was young(46 young?) and would eventually like to meet someone because it is human nature. She said this after my round of I will never date, see, speak or breathe near another man that I don't directly work with or who is not checking out my groceries. And dating? Pffttt I don't think so I am going to become a nun and stay home and concentrate on work. That didn't go too well with her either but hey I told her this broke me and I am not going to be mentally capable of having a relationship like this again. I loved my life with him and I don't want to try and replace it. I just choose to have nothing like it again which means never opening yourself up again. Needless to say I will be going back in 2 weeks because she is on vacation next week. None of this mamby pamby exercise, talk to people, think about dating, take a pottery class. I loved my life so why replace it? If you can't have what you want then don't settle for less just don't have it at all.

 

I am still finding things he left behind. Some of his military medals, pictures of his parents, a military flag he was given, an anniversary tool set in a wooden case that that was his older brothers who is deceased and just things like that. Things that can not be replaced. I know this is so snarky and mean of me and I feel like being snarky but I am not going to mail them to his family. I am boxing them up and putting them in the garage. My heart is irreplaceable and he shattered it so I am not giving his things back until he apologizes. And honestly I don't think he will miss them or even know they are gone just like me.

 

I just wonder when does this all start to make sense? When does the tears stop and when will I stop wondering what happened? I still don't know what happened and I play that over every day. I could understand if we had an argument or something but we never had one. So I think I am still in shock of coming home to what I thought was a good, solid, firm relationship with my best friend whom I loved so much to find him just gone with no explanation and no contact. All I keep thinking is I must have done something really bad I just can't figure out what?

 

Coping or not coping? I don't know but darn this road to self redemption is hard.....

Edited December 23, 2015 by LostInNC

[Dylon]

Sounds like you are in very bad shape. First of all, it sounds bad because I see that you are very resistant to change, leaving it behind, forgetting him, moving on. You are doing everything that you aren't supposed to do. After all this time of wondering why, if you haven't come up with an answer, thinking more isn't going to give a better outcome. Just accept that it was one of those unknowns in life that will never be solved. Most likely, there were all sort of hints and you were caught off guard because you were so deeply inlove. That too I'm sure you have picked your brain over. 8 years is a very long relationship and a big part of your life. You can now choose to see it as just a step towards your next stage. No, age isn't going to hold you so don't fool yourself with this negative attitude. Time to let go, changed everything! Put away all his things, expose yourself to all sort of new stimulus. Reward your weary mind and heart with new things they crave for. If you don't throw out all these useless thoughts in your head, you won't be able to take in the new fresh things that awake your next step in life.

 

Now two weeks off from work is going to be hard. You look forward to it and as you already forecasting, it's going to be hard with these extra time. Plan, plan, plan! Go to the movies, read books, and go to new places. Even change your Starbucks store! Pretend you are someone else for the moment. Role play a bit. See what you can become. I'm like this and that and act on it. It's not the time to dwell and hold onto this emotional state. Come back to it later when you are healthier and can deal with it. For now, reinvent and expose yourself to new things and make changes!

 

I'm sorry for your hurt and hope you can make through your holidays a better person.

[artnoveau]

Hello LostinNC,

 

 

I hate it when people tell you to move on.

Obviously it would be the better choice, but it isn't as easy. As if you could suddenly stop caring or hurting.

 

I think that coping and being still in shock sometimes go hand in hand.

You are still going to work and walking your dog. So there is a level of functioning. But you are emotionally protecting yourself by not wanting to move on and sheltering yourself.

I think that is completely fine for now and for as long as you need it.

I have been left almost a month ago and I know that I haven't clearly comprehended everything yet. I'm protecting myself as well. This way the pain is not there all the time but comes in certain doses you can take.

So I am not telling you to move on.

Don't take pottery classes and don't date. Dating makes things more complicated and you wouldn't do the person you are dating or you a favor. You are not ready for this and you shouldn't have to be.

 

You do seem depressed though. The bad sleep, the not wanting to eat and the social withdrawing are obvious signs. I get why you are depressed and its okay.

Just maybe read up on it.

In my opinion it is totally fine to be depressed after having been left. Just try to make sure its not getting worse.

And you should keep walking your dog. Fresh air, sun and exercise help with depression, if only a bit. And if you still feel you are up to doing that, keep doing this.

 

About everything else: you are moving on. Just really, really slowly. So it will get better. It will take its time but that might be the time you need.

In the mean time: maybe you can find something you like doing which can be done at home. I don't know if its common outside of my country, but in clinics here they do "Ergotherapy". Its basically stuff like drawing, knitting, building, coloring.

I have a coloring book for adults and it keeps me from getting to deep into thinking about him and how my life sucks. (At least some of the time.)

And maybe you can try progressive muscle relaxation. That sometimes helps me to relax and fall asleep.

 

What ever you do, you will get through this and it will get better.

And it is good that you are sharing. It has helped me a lot.