Ashley S Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Hi! So, my boyfriend at first was such a charismatic, loving person. He treated me like a princess, he did this for months before dating me, then finally when we made it official he's been completely different since. It slowly, got worse and worse. He became not as lovey dovey, and not as complimentary, he became more to himself, and cheap. Not taking me out and what not. I lost my best friend and I discovered her dead, I am going through a lot of trauma. That happened back in August. I am still a mess over her. He is very selfish. He talks about himself, and when I talk about how I feel, he doesn't respond, or brings up something else. He is not sensitive when I cry. When I cry, he says he can't deal with it, and he'll just leave me, and then I tell him to, and he calms down and says he doesn't mean it. He's also very cheap, he makes me drive everywhere when he has a nice car, but he doesn't want me driving it, nor does he want to use it at night so when we go out at night we have to take my piece of crap car, and not his nice car. Also, when he was annihilated from being drunk, he said he wanted to go out, and I said "You can, but I won't because I have a terrible migraine." He said "You wanted to go all day, then I finally want to go and you have a migraine?" I said "Well, yeah I didn't predict that i would have a migraine Josh, it came on all of a sudden, I don't want to be bothered I am in a lot of pain." He said "Stop whining and complaining, this is why I only date mixed girls, they don't whine and complain." I said "oh my god how dare you say that? And I started crying. I was crying for hours in the bathroom, and in the mean time he was hitting up a girl saying he wanted to party. I said why are you hitting up a girl? He said "Because I thought you were leaving me for good because you were crying and I don't want to be alone, and I thought we broke up." I said "WHAT! I didn't even vocalize, and we didn't even discuss that we were broken up." So I did leave because of that, and he says he was sorry, because he was annihilated drunk, and he didn't mean it. I forgave him, but it's an insecurity now. Everytime he talks to a black girl I get insecure that he likes her. I still can't get that out of my head. Ever since then he has been fine, but he is so cheap, and still selfish. Now all fo a sudden he has a lock on his phone. I said "why do you have a lock on your phone all of a sudden?" He said "Because for security reasons and you were looking through my phone a lot, and creating problems that didn't need to be created." I am upset now because I don't trust him. He also is living free with me at my parents house, and he had the nerve to say that when he moves out and gets an apartment that I can't move in with him unless, I get a job. He has money, so it bothers me he would say that. I help him out all the time. And this is the treatment i get? He claims he loves me so much yet, he doesn't treat me like a princess anymore. I have no income right now because I am working on myself because my friend died, i am not ready to go back to school, and I am trying to get a job. I have some income, because my dad is helping me out. But I asked if Josh wanted anything to eat at a certain place I was going, i didn't offer to pay though. he said "yeah i do." I said ok, well i don't know how much your meal will be, and he said "Oh, I thought you were gonna pay, forget it then." I said "what? I don't have a steady income, and what makes you think I would pay for you when you have money to buy your own food?" How do I break up with him? I still have this weird attachment towards him because he took my virginity but i know he's no good for me. Why can't I just break up with him? Like i want to, but I feel like I am not strong enough to do it, please help. thank you.
Redhead14 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Hi! So, my boyfriend at first was such a charismatic, loving person. He treated me like a princess, he did this for months before dating me, then finally when we made it official he's been completely different since. It slowly, got worse and worse. He became not as lovey dovey, and not as complimentary, he became more to himself, and cheap. Not taking me out and what not. I lost my best friend and I discovered her dead, I am going through a lot of trauma. That happened back in August. I am still a mess over her. He is very selfish. He talks about himself, and when I talk about how I feel, he doesn't respond, or brings up something else. He is not sensitive when I cry. When I cry, he says he can't deal with it, and he'll just leave me, and then I tell him to, and he calms down and says he doesn't mean it. He's also very cheap, he makes me drive everywhere when he has a nice car, but he doesn't want me driving it, nor does he want to use it at night so when we go out at night we have to take my piece of crap car, and not his nice car. Also, when he was annihilated from being drunk, he said he wanted to go out, and I said "You can, but I won't because I have a terrible migraine." He said "You wanted to go all day, then I finally want to go and you have a migraine?" I said "Well, yeah I didn't predict that i would have a migraine Josh, it came on all of a sudden, I don't want to be bothered I am in a lot of pain." He said "Stop whining and complaining, this is why I only date mixed girls, they don't whine and complain." I said "oh my god how dare you say that? And I started crying. I was crying for hours in the bathroom, and in the mean time he was hitting up a girl saying he wanted to party. I said why are you hitting up a girl? He said "Because I thought you were leaving me for good because you were crying and I don't want to be alone, and I thought we broke up." I said "WHAT! I didn't even vocalize, and we didn't even discuss that we were broken up." So I did leave because of that, and he says he was sorry, because he was annihilated drunk, and he didn't mean it. I forgave him, but it's an insecurity now. Everytime he talks to a black girl I get insecure that he likes her. I still can't get that out of my head. Ever since then he has been fine, but he is so cheap, and still selfish. Now all fo a sudden he has a lock on his phone. I said "why do you have a lock on your phone all of a sudden?" He said "Because for security reasons and you were looking through my phone a lot, and creating problems that didn't need to be created." I am upset now because I don't trust him. He also is living free with me at my parents house, and he had the nerve to say that when he moves out and gets an apartment that I can't move in with him unless, I get a job. He has money, so it bothers me he would say that. I help him out all the time. And this is the treatment i get? He claims he loves me so much yet, he doesn't treat me like a princess anymore. I have no income right now because I am working on myself because my friend died, i am not ready to go back to school, and I am trying to get a job. I have some income, because my dad is helping me out. But I asked if Josh wanted anything to eat at a certain place I was going, i didn't offer to pay though. he said "yeah i do." I said ok, well i don't know how much your meal will be, and he said "Oh, I thought you were gonna pay, forget it then." I said "what? I don't have a steady income, and what makes you think I would pay for you when you have money to buy your own food?" How do I break up with him? I still have this weird attachment towards him because he took my virginity but i know he's no good for me. Why can't I just break up with him? Like i want to, but I feel like I am not strong enough to do it, please help. thank you. Sit down somewhere quiet for a bit. Think about and feel how he's been treating you -- how you are actually feeling about all that. Then, tell him you are unhappy in the relationship and wish him well. Don't entertain a discussion or whining or begging from him, if he does that. Then you go NO CONTACT and stick with it. Go out with friends, spend time with family as much as possible. He didn't take your virginity -- you gave it to him. I assume you did that because you cared for him and that was in your control. Don't say that he took it, that means he had the control. You are in control of YOU always. That is part of being independent and secure in yourself. You need to get on your own two feet before you start trying to develop and maintain a relationship. When you are strong, secure and independent in yourself, then you can add/enhance all that by fostering a relationship that supports a mutually loving and caring relationship. Neither of you have the life skills right now to know how to have a real relationship. 3
clia Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Oh, my heart breaks for you. It's good that you know you need to end things. He sounds like a complete douche. You can do so much better. The first step is to get him out of your house. Enlist your father's help to kick him out. Today, immediately. It's absurd that you are living with this loser at your age. Kick him out. Once he's out, you go no contact and just fight through the pain. Block his number. Let him go. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Better to learn it sooner rather than later at least. But as for why you can't break up with him, it's harder to be assertive with those that we are close to. Even if they are being horrible to us. You just need to suck it up, pick a time and a place, be firm and clear.
LydiaLong Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Ashley, he isn't for you. It might be painful to move on, but believe me, you have no future with him.
Sunlight72 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I'm really sorry to hear about finding your best friend, that is a very powerful, hard experience. I hope you will take it seriously and seek help from a minister or counselor you trust. Why can't I just break up with him?People here can be really helpful with how to go forward, but 'why can't you' isn't a real question. Either you will or you won't. There is no reason you can't. You can. You are living at home, and not earning an income. In your life, it's your life first, family second, friends third and then a relationship. That is the healthy order. It sounds like you've got it exactly backwards. It's emotionally difficult to change the order to a healthy line up, and that is what growing up and being mature will empower you to do - consciously pick the order of where people fit into your life, and choose the direction of your life. If you really want to develop yourself, here's a good article with lots of clear points on building a healthy relationship and keeping yourself healthy emotionally. How To Not Lose Yourself in a Relationship Good Luck Oh, and if you're seeking help breaking it off with a guy you know is bad for you - talk to your dad. Ask your dad to talk with you, and Keep It Simple. Use the fewest words possible, and stick to the issue. You care about this guy, but you need to break up with him. Please help. I bet he will be on your side and dude will be out of the house the same day. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Good for you for recognizing this guy is no good. We've all been saying it for months. It's a positive sign that you see it now too. You're finding it hard to break up with him because you have an image in your mind of who you thought he was. (ie kind, affectionate, etc) But you have to remember that who you're seeing now is exactly who he really is. He's a deadbeat, untrustworthy and insensitive. Keep all of this in mind when you tell him it's over. Also, wouldn't it be better to hold you head up high and refuse to accept this type of relationship? I can almost guarantee he's already up to no good; you don't want to be left totally broken-hearted and humiliated when you find out the extent of his extracurricular activities, knowing that you should have left already. 1
Qboro90 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 While this guy doesn't seem like a great boyfriend, I also think that some of your complaints are very hypocritical. You're bothered by him being cheap yet you don't even have a job yourself. You want him to treat you like a princess and buy you things but you can't even buy him lunch. And by the way... When you are going to get food and you ask someone if they'd like anything, you're offering to pay and get that food for them. Expecting him to pay and then getting upset when he said forget it once you told him you didn't have money is ludacris. If your mom went shopping and said "hey, I'm at the mall, do you want me to get you that top you wanted?" And you said yes... Then your mom said "ok it's $120, just give me the money when I get home". Would you feel confused because you thought she was offering to get it for you? That's what you did to your BF in the example you gave. And while I'm sorry that your friend passed away and I'm sure it's been an incredibly difficult time for you emotionally, you also shouldn't be continuing to use it as an excuse for why you can't do things or find a job. If you had a family and bills to pay and you lost a loved one... Would you stop going to work because you need to "work on yourself"? No, of course not. You have responsibilities and although you are going through a tough time, you have to still function and earn money to support yourself and your family. It looks like your dad/parents and financially supporting you so you don't have the urgency to start doin it yourself. It's unfair to expect your BF to spend the money he earned on things for you when you bring nothing to the table at all. If you're still crying all the time and having trouble coping with your friends death then you should start seeing a therapist to help you with your grief process. In no way am I saying you should just get over it and move on, but after 6 months, you shouldn't be crippled by it and unable to do basic things such as working. His comments towards you and the way he locks and hides his phone is unacceptable. You need to end the relationship sooner rather than later because it's only going to get worse and worse and become harder to do. Rip it like a bandaid and get it over with.
Buddhist Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Like ripping off a bandaid you tell him its over and please hand back the keys to your parents house. Oh and would he mind moving out by the weekend as you've got better things to do. 1
Diezel Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 You're co-dependent. You surround yourself with people like this all the time. You're used to it. You're part of the problem, but I don't think you'll ever recognize that either.
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