In love with a long time friend...should I stop seeing her?

[UnluckyInLove1]

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep this as short as possible but I kinda wanna get a lot out so hopefully some of you will be nice enough to bear with me and maybe even give me the answers I'm looking for.

 

I'm 21 years old and I'm in love with a girl named Emma who I've known since we were 13. To me, she's honestly the most beautiful girl in the world and always has been. There's something about her eyes that just transfix me. I fell in love with those eyes the day I met her and I fell in love with the person behind the eyes as I got to know her. She's smart, funny and one of the most genuinely kind people I've ever met. I was very shy in school so never told her how I really felt but eventually did a few months ago. That's right, I held it in for 8 whole years! I've been with other women but never felt for them like I do Emma. She's so different to any girl I've ever met. After finally convincing myself I needed to tell her even if she rejected me and it ruined our friendship, I decided to tell her.

 

She gently let me down which is what I expected but we've remained friends. We act like I never came out and told her my feelings which I guess works for both of us. My friends say I'm an idiot for still hanging out with her as I'll never truly get over her. I tell them I'm already over her but I know deep down that I'm not. Every single time I see her, I fall for her a little bit more. I know many of you will be thinking I should just ditch her as a friend but it's not that easy when we've been close for so long. Even though I know that she doesn't have the same feelings for me as I do her, I love being around her. But when I'm not around her and I'm thinking about her, I know that she isn't thinking about me and it gets me down.

 

Recently, she met a guy named Jason on holiday. In all the time I've known Emma, she's never been in a relationship. She'd been seeing guys, but never anything serious. You'd be surprised if you saw her because she's really physically attractive and a great person to know. I guess that was partly why I was always so nervous to say anything, because she's always been really picky with guys. I wasn't worried about the holiday guy as he lives over the other side of the country (England). But one weekend he came down to stay with her and she brought him along to a night out with her, me and our mutual friends. I wasn't expecting him to be there and I didn't handle it very well. At least not inside. I was nice to the guy, shook his hand and even bought him a drink. I did all this for Emma. Inside, I was jealous. I didn't speak to her for a few days after and even deleted my Facebook for a while as she was posting photos of the two of them together that I didn't want to see but I didn't want to hurt her by deleting her from my friends. She'd been to see him a couple times since and they're now officially in a relationship despite the long distance between them. As bad as I feel for myself about it, I'm honestly happy for her as she seems happy.

 

Emma has invited me to her New Year's Eve party next week. Her boyfriend will be there also. I don't really want to go and watch them together and act like I'm cool with it. But pretty much all of my friends will be there so it's basically either do that or do nothing.

 

So, should I just suck it up and go? Should I think up an excuse not to go? Should I tell her the truth, that I don't really want to be around when she's with her boyfriend as it's too painful? I've tried meeting other girls but deep down I'm not interested. I need to get over Emma. I want to. I thought I would have by now, especially after her not reciprocating my feelings. But I can't. Should I completely cut her off? As hard as that will be, is that the only way I will ever truly get over her? Maybe I should be selfish for once, let it go and I'll be happier when she isn't on my mind all the time?

 

She always tells me she loves me but it doesn't feel very nice to hear that when I know it's not in the same way I love her.

 

Thanks in advance for any help.

[czen]

I've been in a situation like this a couple of times. If you're like me, you're going to be stubborn and don't want to hear this but:

 

Talk to her and tell her you can't do this anymore. You're not doing yourself any favors. You're probably (subconsciously) comparing every new girl you meet with Emma, and not giving them a fair chance. You're constantly holding out hope for something that will not happen. You've known Emma for 8 years, and she rejected you. Sadly enough this is not a Hollywood romcom, so I don't see this working out romantically, and again, you're not being genuine while acting as her friend and only hurting yourself and your future relationships.

 

Break things off respectfully, and go out there and find a new girl who can match up to this Emma. She's out there.

[Zippy2000]

I was in a very similar situation to yours. I knew a girl for 6 years.

 

To make my situation brief. She rejected me. However I stayed FRIENDS with this girl I liked.

 

Now every person is different so learn from my experience. Im not sying follow what I do but at least you`ll get an informed to make a decision.

 

So this girl and I stayed in touch daily. She met another guy and they dated and I was still in touched with her. As much as it hurt me I still was her FRIEND and why not? I got advice from a woman whenever I needed it and she was there for me.

 

Fast forward 6 years until present day and after 2 other failed relationships with other men/ Guess what? She asked me out!!!!

 

Im not saying wait for her but sometimes being friends with her chnaged her perception of me. She realised I was a good guy after all. I never showed any psychological issues her previous boyfriends had. I was just a normal bloke.

 

Was it a happy ever after ending? No! Guess what happened?

 

After 6 years I had already moved on and I didnt see her as the person I wanted all those years ago.

 

I realised if a person doesnt want you now. Dont wait around. Date other people as there will be someone who likes you for who you are from the beginning.

[UnluckyInLove1]

I've been in a situation like this a couple of times. If you're like me, you're going to be stubborn and don't want to hear this but:

 

Talk to her and tell her you can't do this anymore. You're not doing yourself any favors. You're probably (subconsciously) comparing every new girl you meet with Emma, and not giving them a fair chance. You're constantly holding out hope for something that will not happen. You've known Emma for 8 years, and she rejected you. Sadly enough this is not a Hollywood romcom, so I don't see this working out romantically, and again, you're not being genuine while acting as her friend and only hurting yourself and your future relationships.

 

Break things off respectfully, and go out there and find a new girl who can match up to this Emma. She's out there.

 

You're totally right and I know deep down that that's the best thing to do for myself. It's definitely affecting my chances of finding a real relationship with a girl who might actually want me. I can't lie though, it won't be easy to just not text or call her ever again just like that. We're also in the same circle of best friends. I've really thought about this lately and it seems like the choice is either carry on hurting myself or possibly hurt her feelings. I know she'll be devastated if I tell her we can't be friends anymore but I'm hoping she'll understand why if I do go ahead with that. As you say, it's not a movie. If things were going to turn out how I wish, it would have happened by now. At least she's happy in her relationship right now so hopefully she'll get why I feel like I can't be as happy as her while she knows me. I love her so much that I genuinely just want her to be happy so if she loves me, even as a friend, she'll be willing to let me go and be happy.

 

Thank you.

 

This may sound strange but it actually feels good to type all of this, even if it is to strangers!

[UnluckyInLove1]

I was in a very similar situation to yours. I knew a girl for 6 years.

 

To make my situation brief. She rejected me. However I stayed FRIENDS with this girl I liked.

 

Now every person is different so learn from my experience. Im not sying follow what I do but at least you`ll get an informed to make a decision.

 

So this girl and I stayed in touch daily. She met another guy and they dated and I was still in touched with her. As much as it hurt me I still was her FRIEND and why not? I got advice from a woman whenever I needed it and she was there for me.

 

Fast forward 6 years until present day and after 2 other failed relationships with other men/ Guess what? She asked me out!!!!

 

Im not saying wait for her but sometimes being friends with her chnaged her perception of me. She realised I was a good guy after all. I never showed any psychological issues her previous boyfriends had. I was just a normal bloke.

 

Was it a happy ever after ending? No! Guess what happened?

 

After 6 years I had already moved on and I didnt see her as the person I wanted all those years ago.

 

I realised if a person doesnt want you now. Dont wait around. Date other people as there will be someone who likes you for who you are from the beginning.

 

Wow. That's an interesting turn of events! Again, you make total sense. Though you've messed my head up again when it comes to making a decision!

 

Just out of interest, you say the two of you remained friends after she turned you down. Did the two of you remain friends after the roles were reversed?

[Leucine]

I can't lie though, it won't be easy to just not text or call her ever again just like that. We're also in the same circle of best friends.

 

Well then perhaps you should have thought it through more carefully before asking her out. At this point, the mature option would be treating this as an opportunity for personal growth, concentrating on getting attention from other girls and gradually getting over her, not crying over her indefinitely or ruining the friendship(s) by cutting ties and showing that you can't handle the consequences of your actions.

[UnluckyInLove1]

Well then perhaps you should have thought it through more carefully before asking her out. At this point, the mature option would be treating this as an opportunity for personal growth, concentrating on getting attention from other girls and gradually getting over her, not crying over her indefinitely or ruining the friendship(s) by cutting ties and showing that you can't handle the consequences of your actions.

 

Believe me, I thought it through carefully. Only took eight years of thinking about it!

 

I guess in a way I thought by telling her one or the other would happen. Either she'd magically say she feels the same and we'd live happily ever after or she'd say she doesn't and that way I'd just stop feeling for her and move on. I suppose I was naive to think either would happen. Lesson learned I guess.

[Zippy2000]

Wow. That's an interesting turn of events! Again, you make total sense. Though you've messed my head up again when it comes to making a decision!

 

Just out of interest, you say the two of you remained friends after she turned you down. Did the two of you remain friends after the roles were reversed?

 

Interesting question and the answer is yes! She is still a friend of mine and 6 years is a long time and so is your 8 years.

 

She asked me out in July one drunken night when she was in the pub and her friend send me a text.

 

I was shocked to say the least. What I m saying here is it will hurt like hell but remember she is your friend and you wouldnt "dump" a friend just because she has met someone. She is JUST a friend.

 

It took me a long time to get over the concept of her being a friend but I listened to her and "NO" means no. You cannot change free will.

 

Oh, my fiend also sent me a Christmas card and I got a text message from her i havent replied to.

 

I think your answer is here. You will ONLY be her friend when all your feelings have gone. Until such time you wont. Not everyone is like me. I still have an important friend in my life I ve know for 6 years ans she is still my friend.

 

Relationships changed or mold into something different. If you need to cut her out of your life to move on. Think about it this way. When you disappear from her life. She will come round looking for you. Are you just going to ignore her?

[UnluckyInLove1]

Interesting question and the answer is yes! She is still a friend of mine and 6 years is a long time and so is your 8 years.

 

She asked me out in July one drunken night when she was in the pub and her friend send me a text.

 

I was shocked to say the least. What I m saying here is it will hurt like hell but remember she is your friend and you wouldnt "dump" a friend just because she has met someone. She is JUST a friend.

 

It took me a long time to get over the concept of her being a friend but I listened to her and "NO" means no. You cannot change free will.

 

Oh, my fiend also sent me a Christmas card and I got a text message from her i havent replied to.

 

I think your answer is here. You will ONLY be her friend when all your feelings have gone. Until such time you wont. Not everyone is like me. I still have an important friend in my life I ve know for 6 years ans she is still my friend.

 

Relationships changed or mold into something different. If you need to cut her out of your life to move on. Think about it this way. When you disappear from her life. She will come round looking for you. Are you just going to ignore her?

 

Your post gives me hope!

 

Your last paragraph is the big question that I won't truly know the answer to until it happens. We're pretty close. We text or speak on the phone pretty much every day and meet up, just the two of us, once every weeknight usually for dinner and then see each other in the pub or club every weekend with our group of friends. If I suddenly stopped that, she'd want to know why. So the only option, if i do decide to break it off, is to explain to her why I feel like it's best for both of us.

 

She's cried on my shoulder many a time and she's always been there for me so it's a big call.

 

I think the bottom line is that I need to find myself a girl who likes me. But I've found it hard, especially recently. I can't tell you how many times I've been out with friends and we're all talking to girls and I'm the only one not truly interested even when the girl is sexy as hell. I even slept with this girl not long after Emma rejected me and I felt bad about it. Almost like I'd cheated. How crazy is that?!

[Zippy2000]

We're pretty close. We text or speak on the phone pretty much every day and meet up, just the two of us, once every weeknight usually for dinner and then see each other in the pub or club every weekend with our group of friends. If I suddenly stopped that, she'd want to know why. So the only option, if i do decide to break it off, is to explain to her why I feel like it's best for both of us.

 

I know how you feel about talking to other girls. Trust me its going to be hard to begin with but your feelings will ultimately FADE. If not today, it ll be tomorrow or the next day. The day after that,

 

The irony of it all is my friend of 6 years was also helping me get dates with other girls. When I failed and when I opened my heart out to her one night. She told me it was very sweet how I showed my vulnerable side as none of her other guy friends nor any of her boyfriends ever showed her kind of emotion. They were never that deep but it took her a long time to find that out. Being a woman she needed to connect and was we used to have some deep convos.

 

She is now one of my closest friends and we go out and have dinner together just the both if us and we catch up.

 

We`re very similar you and I Unluckyinlove however I m not sure how you can handle being friends with her if your feelings are that strong. You mentioned jealousy in one of your posts when you met the other fella.

 

For me? I treated her as a friend and nothing else. Whenever feelings cropped up I always spelt out the words "FRIEND" in my head.

 

Whenever she had boyfriend problems I d give her my opinion and help out but I was NEVER the emotional crutch to her. I would let he cry on my shoulder. Thats boyfriend territory that is. I mean friends are there to have fun, laugh and share experiences. So I gave my opinions, but then moved on slyly, with sincerity and with tact to have fun. So looking back in hindsight with her. She would look back with me in doom and gloom but a happy go lucky friend.

 

I had to remain composed and I never showed clingyness and the need to be with her. It was SUPER hard but over time the feelings subsided.

 

You just have to be a MAN and keep you emotions in check. Remember women like strong men who know what they want. No sissy, whiney or clingy men who then disappear who cant get what they want. Think about that for a sec.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Zippy2000