Bufo Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Many lawyers offer free consultations. Writing a as retired lawyer here is my suggestion. Have an outline of what you want to know. For many people this outline includes: Child custody/visitation Child support Spousal support temporary or permanent Division of assets and debts Who gets the house versus sale if it and use during divorce Insurance Pensions and IRA/401K Role of fault if any and proof of fault in your state Fees and costs Timeframe contested or uncontested Grandparent visitation Counsellor recommendation if desired You may have more issues. Just remember a couple of things. A lawyer isn't a marriage counsellor. The more fighting over issues the more expensive it will be. This is for your knowledge of how things generally work out. Seeing an attorney does not mean you are filing for divorce. But since divorce is in there realm of possibility you should get information about divorce where you live.
Whoknew30 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 He didn't say he was venting. He said he is pissed off and trying to figure out how to confront her... You can use what I did... I simply and calmly stated that I knew who he was seeing. I then stated that I'd made my decision to end a 23 year marriage. Decide what YOU want to do and state that clearly to her after stating that you know. She will deny. Expect that. Just stick to your plan by telling her nothing will prove the evidence wrong. Decide what you want and take action on that decision. IF you plan to divorce her - move all assets you're entitled to into your name only. This includes bank accounts and credit cards - stocks too. She will grab at all assets you've left available to her as soon as you expose that you know. Stay calm and state YOUR intentions clearly. He did say venting reread. He's pissed off & venting. It's new, he needs to process. YOU DONT know the laws in his state. In my state you can have pics of your spouse doing 30 people, it doesn't matter! He needs to talk her first. I've never seen people so easily yo scream divorce when the guy just found out. Give the man a breather. He needs to talk to her first. See what happens & then decide what he wants. Maybe she'll cry & beg. You don't know, he doesn't know, until he talks to her.
Whoknew30 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Ahh, yes, he did refer to venting - my bad. Of course he needs to talk to her...but what could she actually say to help him understand that cheating with two men while married without his knowledge is ok and justified? What would make this acceptable for him? Sometimes there is no justification for someone's actions but that doesn't mean they won't be forgiven. Maybe he won't forgive her but maybe he will. It's so new that he's in shock. I understand this is a advice forum & any BS knows it takes a second to process that's why I don't understand all the BS's screaming divorce when they know darn well all the steps of grieving an A. He's no where near big decision making yet. Let the man feel for a minute. I'm sure he'll update when he's passed shock, then people should give advice on how to proceed. Also, let's remember the rest of the family, including kids. Divorce is not easy no matter the situation & anyone that's been divorced that I know has told me that. Yet on this forum, people act like that's the only option but don't tell how hard their divorce was. People should tell their story about their emotions through divorce, when giving the advice "just file". 2
kgcolonel Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I am in agreement with the approach of provide information and maybe a bit slower on the "divorce her A55" as much as he can, he is expressing himself as thoroughly as possible but we still aren't there and getting a download of the full dynamics. I agree for me personally, this would be an absolute deal breaker but....I am not the one who just found out about the betrayal...therefore I would encourage a balanced sounding board for OP here.
JamesM Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Of course he needs to talk to her...but what could she actually say to help him understand that cheating with two men while married without his knowledge is ok and justified? What would make this acceptable for him? More information. I don't know what evidence he has yet, and it may be alot. And I know from experience (not an affair but lying) that denial is the first thing that happens no matter what evidence is presented. And continued lying is done to cover up or explain. Yet evidence can be misinterpreted. Emotions can cloud judgment. Simply filing for divorce is not good for anyone, including him. He will need answers. He will need to know why. He does need confirmation of the evidence. It is the best way to give him closure. And if he walks away and files before knowing more, then he may wonder why it happened, what caused it, and how he may have done differently. JMO.
Spectre Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Yet at the same time he shouldn't stay in a relationship with his horrible cheating wife just so he can find out the extent of her horribleness and betrayal. Since in the end it always just benefits the cheater more. They get more time to bang other dudes and be skeezy and all around disgusting, all the while getting ample time to make the person getting cheated on question if they really want to leave, worry about if they will ever find someone else, etc. Here is why she cheated, it is some variation of: lack of utter respect for her husband or herself. Also a lack of love for her spouse. If you asked her I'm sure she'd toss a myriad of excuses at you. Neglect, boredom, depression, blah blah blah. You know the standard go to excuses. Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre
nightmare01 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I see the OP hasn't been back on this thread in a while. Hopefully he is reading and learning and will return with an update when he is ready. My opinion is that: 1. He could collect as much evidence as possible. Phone records. Copies of texts & pictures if possible. Hire a PI and get evidence that way. When confronted a WS will almost always lie and say nothing is going on. He needs to counter that with hard evidence. 2. See a lawyer. Many firms offer a low cost consultation that should provide all the information he needs. No need to hire a lawyer right away. This is about getting information on what his options are. 3. After items 1 & 2 are complete, confront his WW. She will either have remorse or not. She will either want to save the marriage and do everything to win it back, or not. This is why it's important to have evidence and all options explored before confrontation. 4. If the WS wants to save the marriage then NC is an absolute necessity. That second job has to stop immediately. No "closure" goodbyes to her OM. It ends. An email NC letter that is approved by the OP is all and the last contact with them. The WS has to open all lines of communication she has available to the OP's inspection. Email accounts have to be cancelled. Phone numbers changed. Beyond that an IC would be a good idea for the WS at least. If the WS does not have remorse and does not want to save the marriage, then the evidence and the consultation with the lawyer can be put to good use. Good luck.
Spectre Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Nightmare if she had remorse and wanted to save the marriage she wouldn't of allowed the problems in the marriage to lead her down the path of cheating. People in this situation don't feel bad, they only feel bad they got caught. If they just normally felt bad they wouldn't even be able to make eye contact with their spouse without said spouse immediately realizing something is wrong. They wouldn't be able to say "I love you" or sleep in the same bed with this person without breaking down over how utterly horrible they are treating this person. Imagine for a second how utterly disturbing it would be if a person COULD do that to their spouse? Talk about messed up. Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre 1
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