jayjay127 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Hi, I am a new member, and this is my first post. I understand that it may be odd for some new member to come here and post a very personal issue, but there is nowhere else I can vent me feelings about this. I belong to a couple of other forums that are focused on completely different topics, and if I were to post anything there, I would definitely be trolled. I can't discuss this with any other family members or friends at the moment. So I just discovered that my Wife has been cheating on me. We are both 36 years old, and we have been together since we were 21. We got married at 26. There were a few indications that made be believe she was cheating. First was that she began going out with friends almost every evening. Also the times she stayed in during the evenings, she would be on here phone texting constantly, and whenever I would enter the room she was texting in, she would quickly hide the fact she was texting. I understand none of that means she was cheating, it was just such a sudden change in behaviour. I should also explain that my wife has two jobs. A full time job at the hospital 40-48 a week. As well as a casual job where she would only pick up 2 shifts a month at most. Suddenly she was picking up 3 shifts a week at her casual job, leaving her some weeks without a day off. It's not like we need money either, we are very well off. I tried for many months to get a hold of her phone, just to put my mind at ease, but she guarded it with her life. That is until 2 days ago she forgot to bring it to work. I was able to guess the code easily (her birthdate lol) and this is where I found out she is cheating. Not with just one guy, but two different guys. I found at least a years worth of messages between these two guys, which clearly confirmed my fears. Not only messages, but there were many extremely racy pictures as well, but I am not going into details about that. Also I found out that many of those extra shifts she picked up at her casual job, was just a cover so she could meet these guys. I have not confronted her about anything yet, because she has been working night shift at her fulltime job, and I have been on day shift, so we haven't seen much of each other. I don't know how I am going to talk to her about this. At first I was so shocked, and was even trying to convince myself that I was wrong. But now I am so pissed off, and afraid to even confront her as I am feeling now.
bubbaganoosh Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I hope that you were able to copy all the messages and pictures she had on her phone. If it's me, I find a lawyer, get myself all squared away, legally and with finances then sit her down and ask her if she has anything that she needs to tell you. If she says no then present what you have and the divorce papers and let her know that she had her chance and blew it. Then you'll see the tears and the "I'm sorry" crying but that's because she got caught, not for her actions. Give her no wiggle room and let her know that it's time to pay for her bad behavior. 1
Tracydn Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 It quite unfortunate you get involved in such an ugly situation, but before you confront her make sure that you have the evidence like bubbaganoosh says, if not, she will have it all deleted and may not admit the fact that she have been cheating.
Author jayjay127 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 No I did not copy any evidence. I did not even consider that. Thanks for the input
BetrayedH Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 No I did not copy any evidence. I did not even consider that. Thanks for the input It may not matter, depending on where you live. Many places are "no fault" states where the courts don't care who is at fault. They simply rule on how to divide the kids and how to divide the stuff. That said, some places permit "at fault" divorces and your evidence of her adultery would matter considerably. I would add that even in no fault areas, the wayward spouse may really want to avoid any evidence being exposed publicly (like in divorce proceedings). My wife was that way and it helped me from a negotiating standpoint considerably. She was essentially forced to settle with me or all of her nonsense would have been public record for her family, our kids, and her workplace. Saving the evidence before you do anything might be a real swift idea. It's time to quietly speak to a family law attorney. This is going to be really difficult but what I recommend more than anything right now is that you make decisions with your head rather than your emotions. You're going to have a powerful emotional urge to confront her. It's unwise and gains you nothing. As soon as you let on, you can count on all of the evidence being deleted and the affair being taken underground. And the confrontation you desired will accomplish nothing further. Keep your cards close to yourself. Seek an attorney. Seek a good therapist to help you deal with the emotions. 3
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 If you want to gather more evidence, hire a PI. Or, just confront her now and tell her to pack her stuff and move out, that you know she's cheating on you and you're not going to put up with that at all. You could tell her 'I wish you'd told me you were unhappy that way we could have worked together to reconnect..Now it's too late..' Then do nothing. She will either confess all and be honest or she'll lie, deny and turn it on you, that it's your fault for not meeting her needs etc..etc..etc.. Such a crappy time to be finding this out too with Xmas coming up. Sorry you're hurting. Do you two have children?
Bryanp Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Screwing two different lovers behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's? If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be acting. Your wife clearly thinks that you are a fool and has shown she has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. 1. Get tested for STD's. 2. See an attorney to understand your options. Remember if you do not respect yourself then who will? 1
aliveagain Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Talk to a lawyer, find out what your rights are. You haven't mentioned children so I assume you have no children. You say you are well off so protect your finances then hire a private detective if you feel you need hard evidence. What you saw on her phone would be more then enough for me. You know she's cheating and that's all that matters. Stop having unprotected sex with her, your life is at risk. They always lie about using protection. There are things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them. Please read up on the 180 and start making it your new way of life. It is obvious that you are more committed to the marriage than she is. She knows this and will use that information to manipulate you. Carry a VAR when you confront her(voice activated recorder). You may want one for her car because that is most likely when she will have her private conversations without fear of detection. Velcro it under her seat. The sooner you take yourself out of infidelity the sooner you will heal. Accept no blame for her infidelity, she owns that. The sooner you know where she stands on the marriage the less time you will waste. 1
Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I know it's new & you're upset. Don't go see an attorney until you know a 100% that's what you want. I have many friends that are lawyers & theyve all told me, once you walk through that door they're going to focus on all the bad things & if you're not decided that's the worst thing you can do. Go see a therapist as soon as you can & talk to your wife. It's good to have a support team, even if that's only your therapist. You'll eventually know if you're willing to forgive her or not. It's all going to take time. Good luck
troubadour Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I know it's new & you're upset. Don't go see an attorney until you know a 100% that's what you want. I have many friends that are lawyers & theyve all told me, once you walk through that door they're going to focus on all the bad things & if you're not decided that's the worst thing you can do. NONSENS! Considering the OP's current situations finding out what his legal right are should be his priority. 2
Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 NONSENS! Considering the OP's current situations finding out what his legal right are should be his priority. He hasn't decided anything yet, divorce doesn't happen in church & you don't think a client is looked at like a money sign to most attorney's? I have friends that could have taken my divorce in a second but told me don't start the process until your sure. Now those are my friends so of course they're going to give me legal advice without pushing an agenda but you don't think they want your money & really care about your relationship or you personally? Nope, they want your check. Nothing is stopping a person from reading the divorce laws in your state online
justastatistic Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 He hasn't decided anything yet, divorce doesn't happen in church & you don't think a client is looked at like a money sign to most attorney's? I have friends that could have taken my divorce in a second but told me don't start the process until your sure. Now those are my friends so of course they're going to give me legal advice without pushing an agenda but you don't think they want your money & really care about your relationship or you personally? Nope, they want your check. Nothing is stopping a person from reading the divorce laws in your state online I'm a lawyer and I can tell you that the last thing a lawyer wants is to start a divorce for someone who isn't sure it's what they want. That being said I, and every other attorney I know, will not counsel a prospective client to start a divorce if the client isn't sure it's what the client wants. We will simply explain their legal rights and obligations and describe what is likely to happen, from a legal, procedural and settlement perspective, should the client decide to proceed to divorce. Most people cannot get an accurate view of what is likely to happen in the event of divorce simply from reading the divorce laws in their State. As far as the OP goes, I'm a little unclear. Is she cheating with two separate guys, or is this a threesome type of thing she has going on? 3
justastatistic Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I know it's new & you're upset. Don't go see an attorney until you know a 100% that's what you want. I have many friends that are lawyers & theyve all told me, once you walk through that door they're going to focus on all the bad things & if you're not decided that's the worst thing you can do. Go see a therapist as soon as you can & talk to your wife. It's good to have a support team, even if that's only your therapist. You'll eventually know if you're willing to forgive her or not. It's all going to take time. Good luck This is terrible advice. He should absolutely see a lawyer to see what his rights are. He should in no way talk to his wife about if until he has secured the proof of her cheating and, hopefully, has some sort of idea as to which direction he wants the relationship to go. A discussion following a decision to divorce should be much different from a discussion where he hopes to reconcile. 8
oldshirt Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 -do NOT confront her untill you have a plan in place and your ducks in a row. - get hard copies of the evidence. It may not matter in court but it will be necessry if/when you decide to inform the other men's wives and your wife's parents. - get a lawyer and find out what your options are and what you need to do to protect your finances and property and access to children if you have them. As was said above, you may not necessarily have to file for divorce at this moment, but do find out what your rights are and what your post-divorce life will look like if you go that route. - get all your ducks in a row and be armed with preparation and a solid plan before you confront her. -If you choose to move on, have everything in place ready to step into your new life and confront her by handing her the divorce papers.
oldshirt Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 This is terrible advice. He should absolutely see a lawyer to see what his rights are. He should in no way talk to his wife about if until he has secured the proof of her cheating and, hopefully, has some sort of idea as to which direction he wants the relationship to go. A discussion following a decision to divorce should be much different from a discussion where he hopes to reconcile. I agree on all counts. See a lawyer to find out what your options are and also to protect yourself from her clearing out the bank accounts or running up the credit cards. Advising not to see a lawyer is terrible advice. 2
aliveagain Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 The reason you need to talk to a lawyer so you know your rights is because of what you read in her text messages. This is no drunken girls night out mistake(it is never a mistake just to be clear), this is premeditated with multiple partners and has been going on for several years. This takes a lot of planning to juggle 3 men. Others must know, all these facilitators also need to go because they are not friends of yours or your marriage. The way she is disrespecting jayjay127 shows that she is not going to stop until he comes down on her hard and puts her on the street. She likes her situation, jayjay127 is her financial support, other men are her excitement. She won't give this up until you take everything away from her. Being weak at a time like this works against you because weakness is a very unattractive trait. You need to appear stronger then the alpha males she's out banging that she finds exciting. Doing nothing is the absolute worst thing you can do. Jayjay127 you know she's cheating, she knows she's cheating, it is up to her to prove to you she's worth the effort to keep her cheating ass and not the other way around. Kick her out of your bedroom, she breached your marriage contract and you as the aggrieved spouse have rights. Talk to a lawyer and know what those rights are because if she leaves she will take everything she can from you to start her new nest.
Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I'm a lawyer and I can tell you that the last thing a lawyer wants is to start a divorce for someone who isn't sure it's what they want. That being said I, and every other attorney I know, will not counsel a prospective client to start a divorce if the client isn't sure it's what the client wants. We will simply explain their legal rights and obligations and describe what is likely to happen, from a legal, procedural and settlement perspective, should the client decide to proceed to divorce. Most people cannot get an accurate view of what is likely to happen in the event of divorce simply from reading the divorce laws in their State. As far as the OP goes, I'm a little unclear. Is she cheating with two separate guys, or is this a threesome type of thing she has going on? Exactly my point, "you don't want to council anyone that isn't sure". Thats way my advice was to figure out if you want to R first.
Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 This is terrible advice. He should absolutely see a lawyer to see what his rights are. He should in no way talk to his wife about if until he has secured the proof of her cheating and, hopefully, has some sort of idea as to which direction he wants the relationship to go. A discussion following a decision to divorce should be much different from a discussion where he hopes to reconcile. You completely just said two different things. As a lawyer you said the last thing you want is to council someone that isn't sure. Then in this post, he should go see an attorney without knowing if he wants a divorce yet. There is the lawyer in you. See what I mean. You can't trust a attorney, only when it comes to them getting payed (or know the outside of their professional). You don't even know what he wants but you're already wanting him to bury her & Not speaking to her first. If you read exactly what he wrote,he states he doesn't know where he's at. I go by what the thread poster actually wrote. If he wrote he wants a divorce ok but he didn't.
justastatistic Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 You completely just said two different things. As a lawyer you said the last thing you want is to council someone that isn't sure. Then in this post, he should go see an attorney without knowing if he wants a divorce yet. There is the lawyer in you. See what I mean. You can't trust a attorney, only when it comes to them getting payed (or know the outside of their professional). You don't even know what he wants but you're already wanting him to bury her & Not speaking to her first. If you read exactly what he wrote,he states he doesn't know where he's at. I go by what the thread poster actually wrote. If he wrote he wants a divorce ok but he didn't. Go read my posts again. I said I do not want to START a divorce for someone who isn't sure. I also said I would not counsel someone to start a divorce if they aren't sure that what they want. I never said I wouldn't give counsel to people who are contemplating divorce, or that people contemplating divorce shouldn't seek counsel until they know for sure what they want. Giving people counsel and advice regarding their rights, obligations and options is what lawyers do. The fact that the client hasn't made up their minds as to which path to choose has absolutely no bearing on it. They need to know their rights in order to make an informed decision on what action to take. In my experience, the person who sits on the situation and waits to get legal advice is the one who ends up getting the short end of the stick, legally. But thanks for making my point about the average person not being able to get a good grasp of their legal rights just by reading their State's divorce laws. 4
notbroken Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I know it is hard, but you have to ask yourself if you could ever forgive her or trust her ever again. I can tell you from my own very hard experience - I could not. I spent years trying to reconcile and pretending I was 'over it'. I never got over it. Your wife is a serial cheater. Very difficult for them to stop that. As hard as it is you should create a plan to get out asap. See an attorney asap. Your wife will try to turn it into your fault. She won't want to admit, even to herself, that it is really on her. You didn't make her have sex with other men. Only she did that (unless it was rape). Don't buy into that - at all. The sooner you can divorce, the sooner you will be on your way to recovery. Best wishes.
oldshirt Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 You completely just said two different things. As a lawyer you said the last thing you want is to council someone that isn't sure. Then in this post, he should go see an attorney without knowing if he wants a divorce yet. There is the lawyer in you. See what I mean. You can't trust a attorney, only when it comes to them getting payed (or know the outside of their professional). You don't even know what he wants but you're already wanting him to bury her & Not speaking to her first. If you read exactly what he wrote,he states he doesn't know where he's at. I go by what the thread poster actually wrote. If he wrote he wants a divorce ok but he didn't. You are missing the point. We are encouraging him to get a lawyer so he can become informed of his rights, how to protect his assets and learn what his options are and what his post-divorce life may potentially look like if he were to go that route. It is important for him to become informed on those things in order to make an informed decision either way. 4
66Charger Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I really dont get the need for additional evidence or the seeking legal advice question. You saw what you saw and if anyone can convince you otherwise, thats your own delusion. Since everything is no fault, why the need for details? It most likely will not effect the divorce proceedings. You know whats going on OP and no amount of lying should convince you otherwise. The question is not "is she cheating" or will she lie, the question is divorce or reconcile. Dont be gas lighted, blameshifted, lied to. The need for additional " hard" evidence is as ridiculous as the excuses she is going to give you.
Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Go read my posts again. I said I do not want to START a divorce for someone who isn't sure. I also said I would not counsel someone to start a divorce if they aren't sure that what they want. I never said I wouldn't give counsel to people who are contemplating divorce, or that people contemplating divorce shouldn't seek counsel until they know for sure what they want. Giving people counsel and advice regarding their rights, obligations and options is what lawyers do. The fact that the client hasn't made up their minds as to which path to choose has absolutely no bearing on it. They need to know their rights in order to make an informed decision on what action to take. In my experience, the person who sits on the situation and waits to get legal advice is the one who ends up getting the short end of the stick, legally. But thanks for making my point about the average person not being able to get a good grasp of their legal rights just by reading their State's divorce laws. See & I think you're making my point. He hasn't said anything about wanting a divorce or her wanting a divorce. Once again, you're only talking legal options when he didn't ask for that. Which tells me you aren't concerned with him as a person, only so he doesn't get screwed. 10 mins of a emotionally vulnerable person talking you, is going to walk out of that office on fire. You're stating EXACTLY why my friends told me not to walk into a attorneys office until you know for sure bc they're coming from one stand point, money...& you're proving that! Not once did you mention well being, it's about money not his family. So I did read you're post, I'm thinking you haven't read his or mine bc never did he mention he wants a divorce. Like I said I go by what someone actually wrote...& if he does want a divorce he can go see an attorney then. He can talk to his wife about the situation without stating he's going to see a lawyer. People get screwed by starting divorce talk without seeing a lawyer first (I agree) but not by busting your spouse for cheating.
Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 You are missing the point. We are encouraging him to get a lawyer so he can become informed of his rights, how to protect his assets and learn what his options are and what his post-divorce life may potentially look like if he were to go that route. It is important for him to become informed on those things in order to make an informed decision either way. All his thread said, is he's venting bc he doesn't have anywhere else to go to vent & all he's reading is divorce & options when the poor guy hasn't even had enough time to process. Have some kind of empathy, this is extremely new & im sure he's all emotionally messed up. It takes time to process.
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Over a years worth of messages with 2 guys? The advice about seeking advice from a lawyer is a good one. 2
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