am I wrong about feeling upset that my boyfriends ex wife is around all the time

[RavenMoon]

Hi hopefully I can get some help with this post. I have been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years. I love my boyfriend very much and see this turning into a possible marriage. He is 14 years older than I am. He is 47 and I am 33 not that age matters but I just thought I'd throw it out there. When we first started dating he explained to me that he had been married was currently divorced and had a 17 year old daughter with his ex wife. His ex wife had custody of the daughter during the week and he would take care of his daughter at his parents house on the weekends. I did not get to see him on weekends because he was taking care of his daughter and spending the night at his parents house. I didn't see anything wrong with this. 4 months into the relationship I found out that his ex wife and daughter were both living at his parents house. So when he was taking care of his daughter on the weekends he was staying at the same house with his ex. They were sleeping in separate rooms but I found this very upsetting. I insisted that if he had to go over on the weekends and take care of his daughter that he could no longer spend the night there. His ex wife and daughter have since moved out of his parents house but his ex is still around his family for birthdays and holidays. The reason they separated was because she cheated on him and he never told his family why they divorced he didn't want to make things difficult for his daughter. He is a good father and loves his daughter with all his heart. I find it very upsetting that whenever we go over to his family's house for the holidays or birthdays she is always ther.I asked him to tell his mother that it would be better if his ex not be there while we were there at the same time but his mother insists on having her over. I don't blame his mother for wanting her there after all his ex live there at the parents house for 14 years. His mother has no idea that she cheated on her son and her mother think of her as a friend. I have told my boyfriend that I think it's time that he let his family know why him and his ex separated he refuses to tell his family about his ex because he doesn't want to hurt his daughters feelings when her mother is not included for birthdays or holidays. I understand him not wanting to hurt his daughters feelings but she is already 18 years old. I think she is old enough to understand why her mother can't always be there for birthdays and holidays. Am I wrong about how I feel about this issue? It just bothers me so much and makes me feel like I don't belong when I go over and see her sitting across from me at the dinner table. She is not rude to me, we don't even really talk to each other but it bothers me that she is there. I'm thinking of a future with this man if we have kids I don't want to take my kids over for the holidays and have them be around his ex

[preraph]

Honestly,I believe he is probably leaving the door open for his ex and him to reunite. He has refrained from telling his parents what happened and didn't want them mad at her. He was spending the night over there instead of all the many other options he has with joint custody. He wasn't bringing you with him. She cheated on him, which means, he's probably heartbroken and wasn't ready to leave her. She and he were together a long time and they share a child and probably still have a deep bond. He is probably enjoying being with you, as men do, but he hasn't set the normal boundaries exes usually set once divorced.

 

Obviously if she was wanting to be away from him, she wouldn't be staying at his parents' house. Glad she's out, but still it says something about neither having a big desire to really cut if off.

 

She will always be in his life and if he still has feelings, this will always keep him stirred up. The only good news is the daughter will be of age next year and no more custody, but unless she goes away to college, he may opt to keep doing what he's doing. It might be worth waiting for -- or not. I think you should talk to him. Usually exes will forge a river to keep from seeing each other.

[casey.lives]

His mom is still trying to fight for her, on her behalf. You are up against a lot. He seems like a people pleaser who out of touch with the plight of women. His daughter will end up more confused and suffer greater in the long run by this behavior. It is up to you to make your case with the mother directly. She needs to mind her own business and but out.

[casey.lives]

This is not a monogamous relationship and the mother might enjoy the experimental nature of this thing for her own amusement. The things people try when it's not their lives on the line.

[Gloria25]

I'm confused...

 

Is the daughter 17 or 18? I mean, even though 18 is considered an "adult" for some legal and other purposes, they still are "kids" in a way and some parents (not many now a days, IMO) do try their best to keep an atmosphere similar to the "nest" the child had before the divorce - to the extent that yes, some parents even "co-habitate". Shoot, if they were not close before officially divorcing and lived under the same roof like "roommates" w/o getting intimate, then yeah, they can probably pull it off even after a divorce...especially for financial reasons.

 

So, IMO, while the 18 year old may still need the stability of hdr parents still working as a team, she also needs to start prepping for the real world and leaving the nest. Talk to your bf to see if such a "transitional" plan is in the works (ie daughter accepted to college, joining the military, getting a job/place of her own) and decide if you wanna stick this out.

 

Also, include his wife in stuff with you two at times. Have lunch, go shopping...keep your "enemy" closer. She's the girl's mother for God's sake. Unless she's abusive, druggy, etc. she will always be a part of that kid's life for many things past 18 years old (ie marriage, grandkids) and while one day your bf will no longer feel the need to hide his dating life, doesn't give you or anyone the right to have him kiss off the mother of his child...regardless if she cheated on him. So, "integrating" her into your life is gonna get you in good graces with your bf, his kid, and allow you to keep tabs on them to make sure no hanky-panky is goin' down for real.

 

Good luck!!!

[whichwayisup]

His ex, mother of his child will be in your lives forever. This is your issue and you're going to have to accept that she isn't going anywhere. It's not your place nor business to get him to out his ex to his family (parents and child) because you feel insecure and can't deal with his ex around at times at the in laws. His mom cares and loves her so instead of competing and feeling jealous, angry and hurt about it, why not get to know his ex since YOU are step mom to their daughter.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Raven, guess you've taken on a man with too much baggage. If you are so smitten with him that you cannot do without him, I would suggest you follow the advice others have given you. If you cannot stomach the current situation then it is best to call off your relationship with this man. To my mind, I think he is making hay while the sun shines! He has an ex with whom he has history and a daughter, who is still very much in his life and for whom he probably has very strong residual feelings and on the other he has a new squeeze who keeps him warm at night. He wwins whichever way you look at it so why should he change a thing? Besides remember he must be thinking to himself that he is the luckiest guy in the world to get a willing partner who is 14 years younger than him. What more could he ask of life? If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will. Just walk away gracefully and amicably. There will be other men out there, baggage free, who will be lucky to have you! Warm wishes for the future.

[RavenMoon]

When I first started dating my boyfriend his daughter was 17. We have been together over 2 years. She is now 18 about to turn 19. Thanks everyone for the reply. It was helpful to see that there are people who saw the situation the way I did and people who pointed out that maybe I'm insecure. What I am is confused. Maybe I do feel insecure because I feel he may still have feelings for his ex. I don't like having to be around a woman who has had sex with my boyfriend. As for being her friend I have thought of that but the woman has no personality and we have nothing in common. Plus I don't like the way she treated my sweet boyfriend. He is such a sweet nice guy it's horrible how she cheated on him. His family has money and I also feel that's why she might be sticking around. They buy and give her very expensive gifts. I personally don't care for material things but think his mother should know this woman's true colors.

[whichwayisup]

He is always going to love his ex on some level and care about her as the mother of his child. (isn't that a good thing? shows he's a nice guy and has a kind heart) They have a good co parenting relationship that is on good terms and this is best for their daughter. It means they get along and can be in the same room and not be staring daggers at one another and making it awful for everybody else (bday's, graduation, wedding etc).

 

You cannot interfere or give your 2 cents worth to your boyfriends parents about their ex daughter in law. Not your place and not your business. You need to form a friendship with your inlaws, have faith that your boyfriend loves you and all is okay. You don't have to be best friends or even friends with his ex but you DO have to rid of any awful feelings you have towards her. They are divorced so it really doesn't matter about the past and how she treated him. Seems it bugs you more than it does him. Respectfully said here but you need to let go and not hang onto anger or feel resentment towards her. You can be on good terms for the sake of keeping the peace and most of all, for their daughter. Be a friend to her (daughter) and see how it goes.

[Miss Peach]

My 2 cents as a divorced woman...

 

I wouldn't want THAT much overlap with a XH such as living with my ex's parents but I don't think it's a red flag she maintains some relationship. I know a lot of single moms who still take the kids for visits with the extended family. Many of these women DO NOT want their XH back and do it purely in the best interest of the child. Unless you know there is boundary crossing somewhere it's not a red flag to me per se.

 

I do think it's admirable he seems to maintain a good relationship with his ex and child though. Remember how he treats her is how he might treat you at some point. I would be waving a red flag if the situation were hostile or he was an absent parent.

 

The concern I have is whether he can make and keep boundaries. I can't tell from your post how your BF is with this. If you see he can then it's probably just your insecurity. If he can't, then I think you need to talk to your BF about setting better boundaries or leave.

[Giggle]

I have next to nothing to do with my ex-in-laws but I never liked them. She was in their lives for a long time. They however like her and want her to be there. It may be kind of awkward for you but you're the new one to a situation they've had for years.

 

I get along really well with my ex. I have called his mom and his grandma. There are occasions where he and I are chatting for half an hour, just friendly. I have the key to his house. He's a good guy. We have a kid together. My bf has said why don't I just get back together with him if I think he's such a good guy. Uh. Because he is also a dumbass who compulsively lies. I took a couple years to be sure that I was done. There will never be anything more than friends between us. He would probably quite happily invite me to things.. Actually he has. Just totally not my kind of thing but not a big deal.

I am currently babysitting his fiancé's 2 year old son. How weird is that? It happens on occasion.

 

He would likely be pretty pissed if you took it upon yourself to alter his mothers feelings toward his ex and make things awkward.

[PegNosePete]

I would not be happy with that entire situation.

 

Not happy at all.

 

If he didn't fix it to my satisfaction, it would be a deal breaker.

 

The daughter is 18, almost 19. That is an age where she is old enough to choose how much time she wants to spend with either parent. It's not necessary for the parents to create a rota or arrange contact.

[LydiaLong]

Why does your boyfriend not have his daughter at his own place? I agree with what others have said. The girl is old enough to be beyond 'custody' arrangements. Also, I totally understand not wanting to be in the room with someone my man has slept with. I'm in that same situation occasionally.

[PinkInTheLimo]

This sounds to me like one of the many pseudo divorces that are now so common. The marriage is over but somehow the ex-partners still behave as if they are still partners. It is impossible to build up an exclusive relationship with a guy who is stuck in this pattern as the place of the ex-wife is still too big.

Of course there are many excuses that are used here but ultimately it boils down to not having totally ended the relationship. Does not matter is they don't have sex anymore, they are still way too close to be 100% available to a new partner.

 

BTW, the fact that a 47 year old guy does not have his own place but lives with his parents is also rather worrying to me. How is his financial situation?

 

He's 14 years older. Normally younger women get together with an older man because he is supposed to have his ***** together. This one sounds like he has nothing together at all. I would break up with him and find myself someone who is closer to my age. There are plenty of men your age who are not divorced and have no kids.