Back off or pursue

[PieceTablo]

So, I have just gotten out of a relationship of a few years. I already met a new girl when I was still dating my ex, but I told her we should probably not talk for a bit, as I had to take care of my relationship, and did not want to break something off just because I was infatuated with someone else. It already had reached the stage of emotional cheating by that point imo. She told me she really liked me, but she understood.

Turns out my relationship had run its course, and I messaged this girl again.

 

Immediately things seemed a bit off, so I thought she might not be into me anymore. We called for a while though, and things seemed back to normal. Great conversation, very in sync, etc. However, then she told me that she wanted to stay friends. I was a bit surprised, since our connection was so strong, and still seemed to be strong. I also was not pushing for a relationship, as I want to take it very slow, considering I just got out of one. She was a bit iffy about it, but she basically said she wanted to stay single in general, since she feels like she is too young to exactly know what she wanted. She said she wanted to be with me before our "break of talking" but now she thought things through, she just wants to be friends.

 

She once before told me she wanted to be friends, right after I told her I had a girlfriend. That turned out to be a bit of a defense mechanism and did not want to be the person who broke us up, as she later told me she really did like me.

 

So how should I interpret this? Is it another "we shouldn't do this, but I actually want to, I just don't know it yet"? Or should I actually really back off? I have fallen pretty badly for this girl, and I am not sure if I could stay just friends with her. But I also don't want to just get up and leave if it's another false red flag and she is just insecure about something else, like me being able to stay committed to someone, or something like that.

[AspenBaldwin]

Oh the fine line between showing interest and becoming a stalker...

[Space Ritual]

So, I have just gotten out of a relationship of a few years. I already met a new girl when I was still dating my ex, but I told her we should probably not talk for a bit, as I had to take care of my relationship, and did not want to break something off just because I was infatuated with someone else. It already had reached the stage of emotional cheating by that point imo. She told me she really liked me, but she understood.

Turns out my relationship had run its course, and I messaged this girl again.

 

Immediately things seemed a bit off, so I thought she might not be into me anymore. We called for a while though, and things seemed back to normal. Great conversation, very in sync, etc. However, then she told me that she wanted to stay friends. I was a bit surprised, since our connection was so strong, and still seemed to be strong. I also was not pushing for a relationship, as I want to take it very slow, considering I just got out of one. She was a bit iffy about it, but she basically said she wanted to stay single in general, since she feels like she is too young to exactly know what she wanted. She said she wanted to be with me before our "break of talking" but now she thought things through, she just wants to be friends.

 

She once before told me she wanted to be friends, right after I told her I had a girlfriend. That turned out to be a bit of a defense mechanism and did not want to be the person who broke us up, as she later told me she really did like me.

 

So how should I interpret this? Is it another "we shouldn't do this, but I actually want to, I just don't know it yet"? Or should I actually really back off? I have fallen pretty badly for this girl, and I am not sure if I could stay just friends with her. But I also don't want to just get up and leave if it's another false red flag and she is just insecure about something else, like me being able to stay committed to someone, or something like that.

 

No, she gave you a clear indication that the situation has changed.She wants to be friends as the window closed on you once you said you wanted to wait, which by the way I actually commend you for. She may have been put off by that, but that is not what is important.

 

You were admirable in that you wanted your current relationship to run its course.

 

People are allowed to have a change of heart, and it seems she simply did in this case.

 

Look at it this way. Had you actually physically cheated with her before your other relationship ended would you have been surprised had she pulled the same thing on you if you had a relationship with her and it was about to run it's course?

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Look at the bright side. Maybe you can be friendly with her and pick this up at a later date. AND for the most part you kept your dignity intact.I know you say that you felt it was already emotionally cheating however you did not act on it physically, so good for you for not doing so and doing something you could not undo.

[Versacehottie]

So, I have just gotten out of a relationship of a few years. I already met a new girl when I was still dating my ex, but I told her we should probably not talk for a bit, as I had to take care of my relationship, and did not want to break something off just because I was infatuated with someone else. It already had reached the stage of emotional cheating by that point imo. She told me she really liked me, but she understood.

Turns out my relationship had run its course, and I messaged this girl again.

Immediately things seemed a bit off, so I thought she might not be into me anymore. We called for a while though, and things seemed back to normal. Great conversation, very in sync, etc. However, then she told me that she wanted to stay friends. I was a bit surprised, since our connection was so strong, and still seemed to be strong. I also was not pushing for a relationship, as I want to take it very slow, considering I just got out of one. She was a bit iffy about it, but she basically said she wanted to stay single in general, since she feels like she is too young to exactly know what she wanted. She said she wanted to be with me before our "break of talking" but now she thought things through, she just wants to be friends.

 

She once before told me she wanted to be friends, right after I told her I had a girlfriend. That turned out to be a bit of a defense mechanism and did not want to be the person who broke us up, as she later told me she really did like me.

 

So how should I interpret this? Is it another "we shouldn't do this, but I actually want to, I just don't know it yet"? Or should I actually really back off? I have fallen pretty badly for this girl, and I am not sure if I could stay just friends with her. But I also don't want to just get up and leave if it's another false red flag and she is just insecure about something else, like me being able to stay committed to someone, or something like that.

 

Well I, for one, am going to give you a lot of credit for handling the end of your relationship like you did in spite of your interest in the new girl. Impressive. As far as your new girl, I would just take it day by day and see what her point of view is. I'd be surprised if it stays at just friends for her. But you will just have to wait it out a little bit to see. If it feels like it is settling into just friends and you can't do it, then just be honest with her and take the space you need. I think your instinct is right though that for now you should stay kinda close while she works through her emotions. I hope she's not the type to just want some guy bc he has a gf. Also don't be too accessible now. Be careful to not give her bf you when she is acting just like a friend. Mirror her actions regarding closeness. Good luck

[LilaMarie]

Your question was, should I actually really back off?

 

Twice she has told you she wants to remain friends. Some women flirt with guys that are unavailable for attention and once they see you are attainable it's no longer fun. Maybe she liked you and it faded over time. Who knows? Or keep pursuing her...there is no right or wrong answer bc it all depends on the other person. Good luck.

[phineas]

You want more than friends.

Tell her.

Then tell her you need to get out there & meet women who want to date & you can no longer be friends with her.

 

Then do just that.

 

Or be friends with her but limit your time & communication with her.

She can no longer be a priority.

Get yourself busy with hobbies & other women.

 

As was said, you are now attainable.

Become unattainable by getting with other women and having options.

Genuinely unattainable.

Not pretending because then you will screw it up if she does miss you & comes around.

[PieceTablo]

Thank you very much for all the replies! I think I'll be honest with her and tell her that I respect her opinion and say that we can be friends, but that I will still be hitting on her. Not in a obsessed, I will wait for you kind of way, but in a more casual, I want to see if there is something more serious here kind of way.

 

I'll make sure to pull he plug though if I am falling in to deep and she still wants to keep the whole friend thing going.

 

Also don't be too accessible now. Be careful to not give her bf you when she is acting just like a friend. Mirror her actions regarding closeness. Good luck

 

I guess I should work on this too. So far she definitely still has gotten 'boyfriend me'. Sending good morning messages, answering all her calls (which I actually find slightly weird if she really just wants to be friends, I mean, I don't go about calling girls for hours if I am not interested in a more romantic way, but people are different I guess), making sure I text her back in a decent amount of time, giving cute nicknames, etc.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you very much for all the replies! I think I'll be honest with her and tell her that I respect her opinion and say that we can be friends, but that I will still be hitting on her. Not in a obsessed, I will wait for you kind of way, but in a more casual, I want to see if there is something more serious here kind of way.

 

I'll make sure to pull he plug though if I am falling in to deep and she still wants to keep the whole friend thing going.

 

 

 

I guess I should work on this too. So far she definitely still has gotten 'boyfriend me'. Sending good morning messages, answering all her calls (which I actually find slightly weird if she really just wants to be friends, I mean, I don't go about calling girls for hours if I am not interested in a more romantic way, but people are different I guess), making sure I text her back in a decent amount of time, giving cute nicknames, etc.

 

I would not recommend doing the bold above. You can let her know the friends part BUT in no way should you let her know you will still be hitting on her or still be waiting. NO! That plus what you wrote below on how you are being too accessible are potential reasons why she now does not value you when she did before. NO. Please do not do this. If I told some guy i just wanted to be friends and he told me he was still going to hit on me and would be right there, it would tip him into the friendzone FOREVER with me.

 

In fact, if i was you I wouldn't even answer say that you are agreeing to the "friends" part. Just don't address it either way. Why do you think you owe her this answer? She keeps contacting you assuming you are going to do the friends thing (which I might add she is doing in a non-friendish way perhaps). This girl needs to see you be more alpha (dislike that word but come on!!). A confident, alpha guy ignores what the emotional girl says and follows her actions, knowing if she is still reaching out to him that much he has a chance---no need to "define" that will mess with his real chance. He just takes it.

 

AND DO NOT be so accessible like her little puppy dog. Make sure she is absolutely clear that you did not break up with your ex because of her. She is acting like you did. Good luck

[LilaMarie]

I think I'll be honest with her and tell her that I respect her opinion and say that we can be friends, but that I will still be hitting on her.

 

 

Yeah, when I said pursue I meant ask her out a couple of more times when you have any communication with her. You don't want to be her friend so why will you pretend to be her friend? A friend has no ulterior motive, you do. You want to date her. You will most likely get friend-zoned.

[Versacehottie]

NO. Please do not do this. If I told some guy i just wanted to be friends and he told me he was still going to hit on me and would be right there, it would tip him into the friendzone FOREVER with me.

 

 

Also I forgot to say it would also make me want to avoid him if you did this.

 

ps I thought I remembered your screen name and that I had replied to you before and looked up you past post about your ex and this girl. I think it's a little close in time to break up and she is probably right in assuming she was at least a significant catalyst in the reason you broke up. Which puts pressure on her and I'm not entirely sure that she just isn't a narcissist who wanted a guy who already had a gf or at least the chase. Definitely give her some more chase. Do NOT be "right there". NO!

[PieceTablo]

Thanks again for the helpful replies!

 

I do not think she is the kind of girl who just wanted to be with me because I had a girlfriend. As she got interested in me before she knew I had a girlfriend. After she found out, she still liked me, but she felt bad.

 

But then what should I tell her, if anything at all? Should I just ask her out and that's it?

 

Normally I am pretty dominant/assertive and I just ask them out since I kind of live by the whole "If you like somebody, let them know, life is too short to live it another way." I think with her, I have been very available lately, I should tone that down a lot, either way, I see that.

 

But should I just tell her straight up "Look, I have no interest in being your friend for the time being, so I want you to go out with me to XXX." And if she does not want to, just back off, live my life and only seek contact when she initiates it?

[truth_seeker]

Yeah, when I said pursue I meant ask her out a couple of more times when you have any communication with her. You don't want to be her friend so why will you pretend to be her friend? A friend has no ulterior motive, you do. You want to date her. You will most likely get friend-zoned.

 

I've never had a female friend. How does one gets friend-zoned? I meet women and it's either we date or we don't. Guys who are okay with having female friends are full of sh-t. They're doing this in hopes of eventually getting with the girl.

 

Only exceptions I can see are:

- Married and friends with couples.

- Dating and friends with partner's friends.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks again for the helpful replies!

 

I do not think she is the kind of girl who just wanted to be with me because I had a girlfriend. As she got interested in me before she knew I had a girlfriend. After she found out, she still liked me, but she felt bad.

 

But then what should I tell her, if anything at all? Should I just ask her out and that's it?

 

Normally I am pretty dominant/assertive and I just ask them out since I kind of live by the whole "If you like somebody, let them know, life is too short to live it another way." I think with her, I have been very available lately, I should tone that down a lot, either way, I see that.

 

But should I just tell her straight up "Look, I have no interest in being your friend for the time being, so I want you to go out with me to XXX." And if she does not want to, just back off, live my life and only seek contact when she initiates it?

 

ok maybe consciously she didn't like you bc you had a gf but now that you are "available" and right there, she is the type who likes more of challenge, which you presented unconsciously by being unavailable when you first met. I know you handled your breakup well and really credit to you for doing so. But I got the feeling then and now that if it hadn't been for this girl, you wouldn't have gone through with it--even though you were growing apart from your ex-gf and probably should have broken up. So you might be coming on way strong, because you think this girl is "it".

 

Try to create more balance. You truly don't know if she is "it". You really haven't had enough distance from a pretty long relationship which may be why she is saying friends partly (she doesn't want to be a rebound or want the comparison even if it's good). I wouldn't like a guy "escaping" to me either. I would want him to choose me when he was free and clear (mentally). I don't know if you are or not but if you are coming on strong (and I think you are!) it's going to seem that way.

 

Why do you have to tell her anything?!?? By your own account, she is contacting you. Proceeding as if you are going to be friends (or more). Just go with that. No talk needs to be had. Unless you cannot contain yourself. I'm worried you can't. You have to play this as if you guys ARE just friends because that's what she said. Anything else is pushy. I do think she will come around but trying to force it yourself will not work. Let her set the pace of the "friendship". Hopefully she will continue the calls and texting. If so, during one of those, hopefully she will, but you could suggest a friend type outing. Go and don't make it date-like at all. Let her turn the tides if she wants. I think it will bug her that you are not pushing to make it a date. She will think the window of opportunity to date you is closing since you seem fine with the friends thing. If she is ready and wants to, this is fastest way to get the tide to change. If she is not ready or does not want to at the moment (a few of those outings will tell), realize it will probably be a longer haul and there are no guarantees that the tide will change. If she starts telling you about other guys or her current dating stories, that would not be a great sign IMO. You should not always agree to go on these . Not suggest them always--let her do that sometimes and let her contact you. You shouldn't be rushing it anyway. No harm in developing a real friendship; it won't stop you if you are meant to be together. I have lots of friends who got together this way. Don't not rush--think of it like this: you will be ignoring what she said which she will probably find disrespectful. Much like your statement that you were going to "continue to hit on her anyway". She obviously wants to have a choice in the matter. Make sure she gets one. That's why leaving your gf and now a slight presumption that you two will be together is too much for her.

 

If she starts talking about other guys to you or you feel like she has settled into the friend thing, then you can say what I bolded above in your post. Just preface it with: listen, I'm glad we got to be closer friends these last few weeks/months but I realized I still have feelings for you. Pause, see if she has anything of value to say--hopefully, "I feel the same!". If she doesn't, finish with your statement bolded above. Try to be patient. Seriously. It's necessary. I can feel the anxiousness in your posts and it's not your friend. good luck

Edited December 23, 2015 by Versacehottie

[czen]

Hmm, I don't know, I think it's weird she "wants to be friends" but is still calling you and contacting you and such. Would I take that much time out of my day for just a friend? I wouldn't. So maybe she is just saying it because she is worried she is going to be the rebound.

 

I think I would take it easy a bit, and don't be too available. She said what she wanted, and from my experience, using logic is not going to change her mind. I would however ask her out (you don't have to say, let's go on a date, just say you want to hang out at some place), as you need to at least physically connect before this can escalate. Texting is a horrible way of communicating and a bad way of gauging interest.

 

So I mostly agree with VersaceHottie, but I definitely disagree with her here:

You have to play this as if you guys ARE just friends because that's what she said. Anything else is pushy.

 

I think you should make some moves when you hang out with her. Nothing crazy, but just put your hand on her back while walking, push her around a bit, pick her up as a joke, etc. Just so you can see what she is comfortable with, which should tell you a bit more on where she stands. So I think you should make it a bit like a date. You don't have to say it. You don't have to immediately go in for the kiss. But I would telegraph to her that this you're not the type of guy who is going to be just a friend. I think that makes getting friendzoned too much of a risk. Perhaps it also matters a bit on how much of an initiative taker this girl is though. But if she is not, then I would steer the interactions to the romantic side.

[PieceTablo]

ok maybe consciously she didn't like you bc you had a gf but now that you are "available" and right there, she is the type who likes more of challenge, which you presented unconsciously by being unavailable when you first met. I know you handled your breakup well and really credit to you for doing so. But I got the feeling then and now that if it hadn't been for this girl, you wouldn't have gone through with it--even though you were growing apart from your ex-gf and probably should have broken up. So you might be coming on way strong, because you think this girl is "it".

Oh, I think that is definitely true in a sense. I never felt such an amazing connection with someone, so I feel a bit anxious about making this work, and coupled with the fact that I have been out of the dating game for some time, probably makes me come on a bit too strong.

 

Try to create more balance. You truly don't know if she is "it". You really haven't had enough distance from a pretty long relationship which may be why she is saying friends partly (she doesn't want to be a rebound or want the comparison even if it's good). I wouldn't like a guy "escaping" to me either. I would want him to choose me when he was free and clear (mentally). I don't know if you are or not but if you are coming on strong (and I think you are!) it's going to seem that way.

 

Why do you have to tell her anything?!?? By your own account, she is contacting you. Proceeding as if you are going to be friends (or more). Just go with that. No talk needs to be had. Unless you cannot contain yourself. I'm worried you can't. You have to play this as if you guys ARE just friends because that's what she said. Anything else is pushy. I do think she will come around but trying to force it yourself will not work. Let her set the pace of the "friendship". Hopefully she will continue the calls and texting. If so, during one of those, hopefully she will, but you could suggest a friend type outing. Go and don't make it date-like at all. Let her turn the tides if she wants. I think it will bug her that you are not pushing to make it a date. She will think the window of opportunity to date you is closing since you seem fine with the friends thing. If she is ready and wants to, this is fastest way to get the tide to change. If she is not ready or does not want to at the moment (a few of those outings will tell), realize it will probably be a longer haul and there are no guarantees that the tide will change. If she starts telling you about other guys or her current dating stories, that would not be a great sign IMO. You should not always agree to go on these . Not suggest them always--let her do that sometimes and let her contact you. You shouldn't be rushing it anyway. No harm in developing a real friendship; it won't stop you if you are meant to be together. I have lots of friends who got together this way. Don't not rush--think of it like this: you will be ignoring what she said which she will probably find disrespectful. Much like your statement that you were going to "continue to hit on her anyway". She obviously wants to have a choice in the matter. Make sure she gets one. That's why leaving your gf and now a slight presumption that you two will be together is too much for her.

 

If she starts talking about other guys to you or you feel like she has settled into the friend thing, then you can say what I bolded above in your post. Just preface it with: listen, I'm glad we got to be closer friends these last few weeks/months but I realized I still have feelings for you. Pause, see if she has anything of value to say--hopefully, "I feel the same!". If she doesn't, finish with your statement bolded above. Try to be patient. Seriously. It's necessary. I can feel the anxiousness in your posts and it's not your friend. good luck

 

I have always learned experienced that you NEVER act like just the friend, when you want more. So this is very counterintuitive for me. I understand I don't want to come on too strong, and should refrain from bringing up anything that labels us/is too serious but I am pretty playful and flirtatious in general. Should I tone that down too then?

[Versacehottie]

Oh, I think that is definitely true in a sense. I never felt such an amazing connection with someone, so I feel a bit anxious about making this work, and coupled with the fact that I have been out of the dating game for some time, probably makes me come on a bit too strong.

 

 

 

I have always learned experienced that you NEVER act like just the friend, when you want more. So this is very counterintuitive for me. I understand I don't want to come on too strong, and should refrain from bringing up anything that labels us/is too serious but I am pretty playful and flirtatious in general. Should I tone that down too then?

 

Well I know for a fact it can work. Guys are so overly worried about the friendzone. I'm telling you to manage this portion of your stuff with her. If she wants a challenge (i think she does), imagine what it will be like if you don't formally address friends/dating label???? That's why you don't. Don't put yourself in either category. The part about being a 'friend' is NOT to label it and not to ask her on "dates" and not to try to kiss her--let her push for those things from you. I think she will.

 

As far as being playful and flirtatious, don't tone that down. That is your personality and probably a huge part of why she likes you so keep that up. If this makes sense: do it in a more general way rather than specific to her. Basically no guarantee that she can "get" you. It should be a little ambiguous to her as whether or not it is directed at her specifically or just who you are and that you have fun with her. These are low pressure ways to make her seriously want you. I think she already does because she is keeping in touch a lot--but she is hesitant. Without pushing you need to tip the scale in your favor. You can do that by being what she wants but just out of reach. Can you really do it? I'm worried. I know it's counterintuitive to you but you need to shift your attitude to being patient (not a doormat or puppy dog!!) or to a long view--which is what you should be doing anyway because I guarantee part of reason she is holding back is because she doesn't want to be a rebound--if she is the good girl you say--she is playing this smart. Or you can push it and totally blow it. Just relax.

[PieceTablo]

Well I know for a fact it can work. Guys are so overly worried about the friendzone. I'm telling you to manage this portion of your stuff with her. If she wants a challenge (i think she does), imagine what it will be like if you don't formally address friends/dating label???? That's why you don't. Don't put yourself in either category. The part about being a 'friend' is NOT to label it and not to ask her on "dates" and not to try to kiss her--let her push for those things from you. I think she will.

 

As far as being playful and flirtatious, don't tone that down. That is your personality and probably a huge part of why she likes you so keep that up. If this makes sense: do it in a more general way rather than specific to her. Basically no guarantee that she can "get" you. It should be a little ambiguous to her as whether or not it is directed at her specifically or just who you are and that you have fun with her. These are low pressure ways to make her seriously want you. I think she already does because she is keeping in touch a lot--but she is hesitant. Without pushing you need to tip the scale in your favor. You can do that by being what she wants but just out of reach. Can you really do it? I'm worried. I know it's counterintuitive to you but you need to shift your attitude to being patient (not a doormat or puppy dog!!) or to a long view--which is what you should be doing anyway because I guarantee part of reason she is holding back is because she doesn't want to be a rebound--if she is the good girl you say--she is playing this smart. Or you can push it and totally blow it. Just relax.

Okay, I'll follow this advice then! I'll check back in of course in a month or so to give an update.

Thanks everyone for their help! If anyone has any other advice, please don't hesitate!

[PieceTablo]

Update time!

So things were going decent, until suddenly she stopped talking to me. Came a bit out of nowhere, as we were both talking about our day, and then she did not reply after I told her about some stuff that was up with me. Maybe I should have reinitiated after that, but I was busy with my own stuff, and did not feel like chasing her.

 

Fast forward almost a month after that, I messaged her to hang out. We did and it was really fun. I treated her the same as I treated any other girl, for the most part. She touched me quite a bit too. Then at the end she again asked me about my intentions. I just said that I didn't know, that we're friends for now at least, but we will see where it goes. She again said that she thought we should stay friends, to which I said that that's good too. But then she was like "You need to stop acting so cute, you're messing with my head!" In my head I was like "seriously? You're the one who is hot and cold every 5 minutes...". I just said I am the way I am, and that I can't change that.

 

Anyways, after that we didn't talk for a while. I asked her out again the following week, but she was sick (not sure I believe that). Then I called her over the weekend, and she seems to think that I am still actively trying to get with her.

 

Should I back off yet again? Or have a conversation to clear the air and state that I really have no expectations? Because it is true, I really mostly just want to see where it goes, a good friendship, a relationship or nothing at all. I don't want to be hanging out with her and her to be thinking that I am madly in love with her or anything. But I have a pretty flirtatious personality in general, so I don't know how to make her tink that any other way, unless by spelling it out to her.

[smackie9]

Keep her at arms length so you don't get "friend zoned". Next date other women, but make sure somehow she gets that you are not going to follow her around like a lost puppy...DO NOT give her all the control over the situation. Once she sees you are not so available to her exclusively she will desire you more....it will bring back all those feelings she had before....because you were untouchable. So be untouchable again and see what happens. I bet money on it she will be changing her tune. You just have to play it right and you will have success.

[PieceTablo]

Keep her at arms length so you don't get "friend zoned". Next date other women, but make sure somehow she gets that you are not going to follow her around like a lost puppy...DO NOT give her all the control over the situation. Once she sees you are not so available to her exclusively she will desire you more....it will bring back all those feelings she had before....because you were untouchable. So be untouchable again and see what happens. I bet money on it she will be changing her tune. You just have to play it right and you will have success.

 

In a way I feel that's the right way of action...or the completely wrong one.

At the moment, I don't really care where it is going, I'm honestly fine with being friends, as she has displayed some flaky behavior lately, and I absolutely despise that. I still want her in my life though as she is one of the most fun people I have met. I am afraid that if I back off, and don't contact her, I will never hear from her again, like what happened earlier.

But I also understand that if I come across too available, I will kill any attraction. So I see this as a "damned if you do, damned if you don't situation".