czen Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 My girlfriend and I have been together for a good three years now. We are slowly getting to the point where it seems to be either marriage or break up (her words). This made me really consider things: 1. She used to be really extroverted, always bringing up new stuff to do, etc. which was great for a homebody like myself. We balanced each other out that way. Now: She wants to stay at home. I always used to say that we complete each other, but this is definitely not true anymore, not in this aspect at least. 2. She does not get my humor. She nearly always says I am not funny. IT has always bugged me a bit, but it's not a dealbreaker on its own. I think she is absolutely hilarious however. 3. She is SO worried about the future and obsessed with money. I always felt a bit like she looked down upon me as my parents are not that rich, and she has always pushed me to get a job, or do things that somehow make money. Obviously not a bad thing, but it's mostly her reasons. She recently told me that I better start making a lot of money soon, otherwise she cannot see this going on anymore. I have always been more like "yeah, money is important, but it's more important that we stay together. We are smart and ambitious, the money will come sooner or later". I am afraid this is something that will continue on after we "made it". Her seemingly more interested in my role as provider as compared to a husband. 4. It's gotten a lot less over time, but sometimes I still think she views me as incompetent. Like I cannot be trusted with things, because I will mess it up without her. Which causes a vicious cycle with her being able to complain that I never do anything, and that she therefore HAS to do everything. 5. There have been quite a few girls over the last year where I have been like "hmm, well she is interesting..." never pursued anything, but not sure if that's normal this early on, or if it's a sign that this is not the one for me. Otherwise: we do not argue a lot, but when we do, it's either about something small like forgetting to do something, or the money stuff. She is also very caring and loyal. She is ambitious and smart. So a lot of factors one would look for in a girlfriend/wife, and no other big issues. So what do you guys think? Is it just cold feet/regular issues, or is this something that actually should require a break up?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Are you in love with her or do you just love her?
Author czen Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 Are you in love with her or do you just love her? Well it's definitely that I just love her. The sparks have been gone for quite some time, but that's normal after a couple of years right? If you're asking if I am still happy to see her: not always, since I sometimes feel like we spend too much time together, but normally speaking, yes. But is it romantic love where I automatically can't stop myself from telling how beautiful she is and how much I love her? No.
TheArtist Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 It sounds to me as though she feels that she is superior to you rather than your equal. It really depends on how that makes you feel, and I'm certainly not qualified to tell you which way to go with this relationship. You may not be earning as much as her, but it does sound as if you are trying to help where you can. Relationship aside, are you ambitious and do you have long term goals for yourself? If not, this might be a good time to start working on those. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Well it's definitely that I just love her. The sparks have been gone for quite some time, but that's normal after a couple of years right? If you're asking if I am still happy to see her: not always, since I sometimes feel like we spend too much time together, but normally speaking, yes. But is it romantic love where I automatically can't stop myself from telling how beautiful she is and how much I love her? No. Is that going to be enough for you in the long run? Marriage is a huge commitment.
Author czen Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 It sounds to me as though she feels that she is superior to you rather than your equal. It really depends on how that makes you feel, and I'm certainly not qualified to tell you which way to go with this relationship. You may not be earning as much as her, but it does sound as if you are trying to help where you can. Relationship aside, are you ambitious and do you have long term goals for yourself? If not, this might be a good time to start working on those. I get that feeling sometimes too...she's a few years older and already joined the workforce, whilst I am still finishing up my degree. So I am quite ambitious, I really feel bad if I am not being productive and working towards my/our future. So the goals are definitely there, and she knows this. But I think she is just worried it is not happening quickly enough.
Author czen Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 Is that going to be enough for you in the long run? Marriage is a huge commitment. Well that's a good question. She is the first person I ever had a relationship long enough who I do not feel in love with anymore for no real reason (had another decently long relationship, where I fell out of love because she started abusing me). I have just assumed that after a while the feeling will just disappear and that as long as you are still loyal and invested, and still are best friends, then that's pretty much all you can as for. But do I want to be with someone who I still am excited about waking up next to in 10 years? Of course. Just don't think it's possible.
burnt Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 OK, my comment is clearly going to be biased here--as I fall into the same category as you when it comes to money--that is, only focus on 'necessary and sufficient' amount of money, not more, and focus on non-materialistic matters of life more. So, looking at it with my mindset, if I had to hear non-stop pushing (nagging) about money, it would get to me badly over time. I'd start to lose respect. There seems to be a lack of respect towards you. It's hard to connect in any meaningful way to someone, let alone in marriage, if you do not feel respected by the other person.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) But do I want to be with someone who I still am excited about waking up next to in 10 years? Of course. Just don't think it's possible. So you are settling for someone you aren't in love with. That doesn't sound like recipe for a happy life. Try and imagine your life without her in it. How would that make you feel? Edited December 23, 2015 by Scarlett.O'hara 2
lollipopspot Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 4. It's gotten a lot less over time, but sometimes I still think she views me as incompetent. Like I cannot be trusted with things, because I will mess it up without her. Everyone has their own deal breakers, but I would not want to be with someone who found me incompetent. I don't know - maybe you really are incompetent compared to her - but I'm sure there is a woman out there whom you will be more competent than or equally competent to who will not view you as incompetent. Better to find an equal match in this regard. But that's my value.
Buddhist Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 My girlfriend and I have been together for a good three years now. We are slowly getting to the point where it seems to be either marriage or break up (her words). She's got a timeline, if that isn't your timeline then the answer is breakup. This made me really consider things: 1. She used to be really extroverted, always bringing up new stuff to do, etc. which was great for a homebody like myself. We balanced each other out that way. Now: She wants to stay at home. I always used to say that we complete each other, but this is definitely not true anymore, not in this aspect at least. It's natural in longterm relationships for couples to start integrating their lives and living similar lifestyles. If that didn't happen you probably wouldn't stay together long term. 2. She does not get my humor. She nearly always says I am not funny. IT has always bugged me a bit, but it's not a dealbreaker on its own. I think she is absolutely hilarious however. Her loss, nothing to worry about. 3. She is SO worried about the future and obsessed with money. I always felt a bit like she looked down upon me as my parents are not that rich, and she has always pushed me to get a job, or do things that somehow make money. Obviously not a bad thing, but it's mostly her reasons. She recently told me that I better start making a lot of money soon, otherwise she cannot see this going on anymore. I have always been more like "yeah, money is important, but it's more important that we stay together. We are smart and ambitious, the money will come sooner or later". I am afraid this is something that will continue on after we "made it". Her seemingly more interested in my role as provider as compared to a husband. It's fine for her to be ambitious but it's not fine for her to project her expectations onto you. Remind her that she is welcome to go out and start earning lots of money anytime she chooses. You will be making your own life choices in that regard. 4. It's gotten a lot less over time, but sometimes I still think she views me as incompetent. Like I cannot be trusted with things, because I will mess it up without her. Which causes a vicious cycle with her being able to complain that I never do anything, and that she therefore HAS to do everything. What she's doing there is classic passive aggressive behaviour and it's a sign she has some maturing to do. I don't know how old you are, but this is fairly typical in young people. It depends on the degree but over time this should lessen as a consequence of life experience. If she is insisting on doing everything herself, then remind her of this when she complains. 'I'd be happy to do more but you insist on doing it yourself. Next time leave it to me.' 5. There have been quite a few girls over the last year where I have been like "hmm, well she is interesting..." never pursued anything, but not sure if that's normal this early on, or if it's a sign that this is not the one for me. Normal in every single relationship and periodically happens no matter how long you have been with someone. The mind seeks novelty especially when things have become routine and familiar. As long as your dick doesn't follow it, you will be fine. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I think you should break up. There's enough bad there that not a good marriage would it make. There are already signs of disdain (in making you feel incompetent, she acting superior. different values about money&living and her not thinking you and funny. And you not feeling sparks). Life is too short. You are already in bad territory with this one. Disdain is the biggest sign a relationship will not survive. It's lack of respect. You want a partner who values and sees clearly the things you believe about yourself. From your OP, the way you feel about money stuff and commitment, a lot of girls would really really want that and be proud of you for it rather than make you feel like you were less than for having that outlook on life. It's conflict waiting to happen. You already sound whipped and downtrodden, why set yourself up for a lifetime of that. Good luck
Space Ritual Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I think her pressuring you about financial issues, while somewhat normal before discussing marriage, seems to be a bit of an over riding factor in her mind. If you are still a student, I can understand where she is coming from, but if you were to get married, I'd put that on the backburner until you have established a decent income of your own. That being said, remember that the Holiday season can bring any cracks or issues in a relationship to the surface. Just because people put unrealistic expectations on themselves and others during this time of year. So do not be surprised if you have a blowout argument in the near future. Frankly I don't see this relationship going much farther than it already has. Sorry, I suppose you'd like to hear otherwise. I don't see much of a future here.
Author czen Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 So you are settling for someone you aren't in love with. That doesn't sound like recipe for a happy life. Try and imagine your life without her in it. How would that make you feel? Well, to be honest, I think I would be fine. I have never been the type who feels like I would be unable to live without someone (too rational for that) aside from the initial in love stages. But yeah, it would suck financially since now we share the costs, and it would take a lot of adjusting since we live together, but otherwise... I would not be happy or anything, and definitely get sad for a while, but I can survive it. Thanks for everyone's help so far! She is 27 btw, and I am 24.
Author czen Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 I think her pressuring you about financial issues, while somewhat normal before discussing marriage, seems to be a bit of an over riding factor in her mind. If you are still a student, I can understand where she is coming from, but if you were to get married, I'd put that on the backburner until you have established a decent income of your own. She actually made an ultimatum recently by stating that if I don't finish school this year, we are over. I will get a degree after this year, but I have the option to continue studying for two more years after this one year, which would improve my chances on the job market (but also more costs in college costs of course). I am not sure what I want to do, but obviously this did not make me happy. I do not think she completely meant it (she is under a lot of pressure these weeks and a bit unhappy), but still.
DoesntGetIt Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I got married to someone who was doing the "We get married or end it thing" for a while, and who was someone I was comfortable with but no excitement or sparks... we're divorced now. Hope that helps. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 When you meet the right person the "in love feeling" shouldn't just disappear. Feeling butterflies and excited all the time is something different. That is just the infatuation stage. It sounds like the financial loss would be harder for you than the thought of losing her. The way you describe your relationship makes it sound like one of convenience. The deep connection and bond you would expect from a couple contemplating marriage just doesn't appear to be there. I have to be honest, I really don't think you are talking about your future wife here. You are still young, there is plenty of time to find that in the right partner. I'm not advising you to break up, but I would advise you to think more carefully about marriage. 2
Space Ritual Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 She actually made an ultimatum recently by stating that if I don't finish school this year, we are over. I will get a degree after this year, but I have the option to continue studying for two more years after this one year, which would improve my chances on the job market (but also more costs in college costs of course). I am not sure what I want to do, but obviously this did not make me happy. I do not think she completely meant it (she is under a lot of pressure these weeks and a bit unhappy), but still. Yikes. Sorry man. You don't need to change your educational future for anybody. If I received an ultimatum like that I would have been single in about 20 seconds after it was delivered. 1
frus69 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I don't know why she is still with you. I understand her points, marriage is a huge commitment and the husband needs to be mature enough and financially stable. But I don't understand why she chooses you to be the husband because you are still a student and far from being ready to contribute to a household. She should find someone already well established in life/career if she wants to get married soon, not pushing you to get ready because it certainly is not going to happen easily. 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I think the financial thing is the big issue snd you being in college? What are you majoring in? Were you supposed to graduate say 2 yrs sago but then you changed majors? If you finish this year, are the next 2 yrs fir a masters degree? His are dates with you? Is the issue you have no money for dates? One being a full time student vs the other being career focused is a big issue in relationships. When this started she probably thought you were finishing that year otherwise she wouldn't have dated you.
Author czen Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 I got married to someone who was doing the "We get married or end it thing" for a while, and who was someone I was comfortable with but no excitement or sparks... we're divorced now. Hope that helps. In a way it does, but what were the reasons for this divorce? Some big fiasco, or was it just that, because there was no excitement?
Author czen Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 I think the financial thing is the big issue snd you being in college? What are you majoring in? Were you supposed to graduate say 2 yrs sago but then you changed majors? If you finish this year, are the next 2 yrs fir a masters degree? His are dates with you? Is the issue you have no money for dates? One being a full time student vs the other being career focused is a big issue in relationships. When this started she probably thought you were finishing that year otherwise she wouldn't have dated you. When we first met it was likely that I would have to study at least one more year than her. She was not as worried back then (it seemed like at least) since she was a lot more carefree back then (shopping a lot, planning random trips, going out). Now I am doing my master's, but I can transfer to a longer degree for an extra two years, but it would be substantially more expensive, but also be able to make a substantial difference in my job opportunities. So I am still considering what to do here, and it basically depends a bit if I can find a decent job in May. I have money for dates (I work part time and have student loans), but I have to live a bit frugally of course. No, she's worried that for the next few years she will have to provide for us, that I will be busy paying off debt and can't pitch in. For me it's weird, since if our positions were reversed I would be like "Do what's best for you, I am committed, so we can just live somewhere cheaper or whatever till we are both financially more secure" but she does not seem to follow this line of thinking. Nothing wrong with having a different opinion of course, but it made me wonder a bit about our different values.
Sunlight72 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I got married to someone who was doing the "We get married or end it thing" for a while, and who was someone I was comfortable with but no excitement or sparks... we're divorced now. Hope that helps. Sorry to say, I also married a woman who told me after a year we should be setting a wedding date or breaking up. We're now divorced. In my opinion, the reason you should propose (and she should say yes) is a very deep, undeniable joy in your relationship that springs to mind when you think of her (and vice versa). You will need that very deep energy pool to make the coming decades fulfilling and warm, and hold together through rough times. The situation with an ultimatum to get married or break up is that you're not feeling delightfully enchanted with marrying and being married to her, instead you're just going along with her push. That is not enough fuel to make a healthy, respectful, fun, loving marriage for the next 60 years. That's what my experience tells me. Of course things could change if you both commit to it, but at this stage I'm not seeing it. Either way, proposing in order to stave off an ultimatum is betting against your heart and your head. There are legitimate reasons you do not feel eager to propose. Don't kid yourself, the penalty will be very high later. 4
central Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 This sounds like a lukewarm relationship, and you are not IN love with her. She has issues with your self-motivation and lack of interest in pursuing wealth. There is a lack of respect for who you are, versus what she wants you to be. It's not a recipe for a successful marriage, so to answer your question, do not get married, break up and move on. Find someone who is more compatible and shares very similar goals and other traits. 3
Author czen Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 This sounds like a lukewarm relationship, and you are not IN love with her. She has issues with your self-motivation and lack of interest in pursuing wealth. There is a lack of respect for who you are, versus what she wants you to be. Yeah, that's a cause for a lot of our fights/disagreements. "Czen, you do not care about us, you do not worry about the future at all!" Then I'm like "Umm, I am paying for an overexpensive education so I can get a job in this city, so I can be with you. If I wasn't worried about the future, then why am I not just doing something easy instead of working my butt of fin school?!" But it seems that the general consensus is that I should pull the plug on this one. Just feels a bit unreal to do, since for the longest time I thought this would be the One. That despite our differences and issues, we could make it work, since it was clear we loved each other. I think a big source of our issues are her parents, who have a big influence on her. They are always pushing her to think about the future and get things done now (get the best paying job, work harder, get a house, work harder) and those are values I can see myself embody, since I (want to) work really hard. But being together as a family is more important for me.
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