Terrified...but I am going to give this a go

April 3, 2016

Thank you for the support guys, as always.

I guess I feel a little disappointed, but I suppose this is always the way with rejection. I can't stay mad and bitter with her. Life is too short and I still think that she is a good person and I only wanted to spend some time with her ..even if (to me) she didn't really 'deal' with the situation very well. There could be many reasons for this, but it is not worth thinking about.

I think I can still be my relaxed and happy self at work with her. In the long run, it is better that I know her true intentions even if it feels a little uncomfortable now.

I didn't mention it, but yesterday I met a guy from a forum. We had a few drinks and approached some women. I know it may sound 'bad', but he seemed very friendly. None of my approaches went very well, but considering that I had never done it before and my competence wasn't too hot, it is a massive achievement for me.

I wish I could feel 'okay' with myself. I feel quite lonely. I perhaps need to see a doctor soon just to see what options are available for counselling.

April 3, 2016

So after all of the rudeness, disrespect, near tears, considering changing jobs, stress and other negative outcomes due to this girl you ask her out?

This is part of the problem. In my book, someone like her is not good enough to spend my precious time with. I would not even breath the same air as her if not for working alongside her. You need to work on how you value yourself, your time and your self esteem. You mentioned that you had been exchanging messages with her as well, another completely illogical and terrible idea.

I agree with this. What OP is doing is illogical, completely. If you feel she is being disrespectful, why in the world would you be interested in dating her?

Props for asking her out--because that took courage. But on the other hand, if you are relatively inexperienced with dating, a hot and cold person who plays games is not the way to go for your first time. Not to mention you work together. I'm glad you got your answer that she is flakey (and possibly rude) so hope you can just leave it be now. I want to say that as a neutral party, I'm not quite sure that your assessment of the situation is as you perceive it to be. Things are rarely black and white when you incorporate, your position, her position and the truth--it probably lies somewhere in the middle or somewhere else. What doesn't make sense is that when you say she is rude and disrespectful, in a way (and I rarely say this, perhaps never on this board) is that you don't "like" women much. Maybe your interpretation of the moments where you think she is behaving that way have more to do with your view on the world rather than the truth. Otherwise, someone behaving like that should be a total turn off for the normal person. Or maybe your ego is wrapped up in it, whereas you think "if only I can win this person over" it means I'm worthy.

But bottom line, if your interactions over this length of time keep leading you to a negative place, you should move on and choose someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Also my rec is to take a more realistic approach to how relationships are going to be: each person is going to want to have things their way, compromises will be made; love and respect can still be found in those situations; if things don't go your way, it doesn't necessarily mean the person doesn't like you or is disrespecting you. *ps i don't know the "real" situation, it is very possible that she IS rude and disrespectful. I think someone that says yes to a movie and the a little while later, dismissively says she can't do it, without an apology, explanation or reschedule is being rude in that instance. Good luck going forward.

April 4, 2016

I agree with this. What OP is doing is illogical, completely. If you feel she is being disrespectful, why in the world would you be interested in dating her?

Props for asking her out--because that took courage. But on the other hand, if you are relatively inexperienced with dating, a hot and cold person who plays games is not the way to go for your first time. Not to mention you work together. I'm glad you got your answer that she is flakey (and possibly rude) so hope you can just leave it be now. I want to say that as a neutral party, I'm not quite sure that your assessment of the situation is as you perceive it to be. Things are rarely black and white when you incorporate, your position, her position and the truth--it probably lies somewhere in the middle or somewhere else. What doesn't make sense is that when you say she is rude and disrespectful, in a way (and I rarely say this, perhaps never on this board) is that you don't "like" women much. Maybe your interpretation of the moments where you think she is behaving that way have more to do with your view on the world rather than the truth. Otherwise, someone behaving like that should be a total turn off for the normal person. Or maybe your ego is wrapped up in it, whereas you think "if only I can win this person over" it means I'm worthy.

But bottom line, if your interactions over this length of time keep leading you to a negative place, you should move on and choose someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Also my rec is to take a more realistic approach to how relationships are going to be: each person is going to want to have things their way, compromises will be made; love and respect can still be found in those situations; if things don't go your way, it doesn't necessarily mean the person doesn't like you or is disrespecting you. *ps i don't know the "real" situation, it is very possible that she IS rude and disrespectful. I think someone that says yes to a movie and the a little while later, dismissively says she can't do it, without an apology, explanation or reschedule is being rude in that instance. Good luck going forward.

Thank you for the in depth explanation. There is a lot to take in and think about.

Today was both easier and harder than I thought it would be. I know myself well enough that I had to look at my own thoughts and feelings before going to sleep last night, so I could at least attempt to manage my emotions today.

I should mention that she has cut out a lot of her rudeness since I mentioned it to her. I came in one morning, it was just me and her and I just couldn't talk to her. The day before, her and another colleague had sat and laughed at me while I was trying to rectify a mistake that I had made (they were fully aware that I was struggling). It felt quite upsetting and it didn't leave me feeling too great. She would try and start a conversation and all I could give was one or two word answers. She then asked what was up and I told her. Since then, I have noticed that she has attempted cut it out a lot and seems to be acting kinder and more respectfully towards me, so perhaps it is partly that I never mentioned that it bothered me. I am not a very confrontational person.

I came in feeling okay. It is interesting how disconnected I FEEL from her now. I wasn't being rude, nasty or bitter. It just felt like I had lost all motivation to engage with her in the way that I had before. I still laughed at some of her jokes, helped her out and brought her into conversations. But I guess it felt a bit more forced. I am not sure how it came across. Also her loudness and flirting with other people didn't seem to effect me.

I was perhaps a bit quieter than usual. I guess the disappointment is still there a little and I was feeling a little ill today. When she first came in, it was funny how frantic she seemed and her body language was very negative to me (for example, turning her back to me).

As the day wore on, she seemed more comfortable with me again, touching me, standing near me (I refused to respond) I didn't really reciprocate. Out the corner of my eye, I could see her staring at me across the desk as she was eating her lunch. Something she has never done. She sometimes gets upset at things and vocalises them in a 'whining' kind of way. Today it was the fact that she keeps annoying me, something that she has also never done or cared about. But perhaps the worst bit came at the end of the day...

She wanted to leave early...and said to me 'come on then lets go'. She has never done this. I didn't really want to...but I didn't want it to come across the wrong way. I said okay and she said "oh good!" and seemed quite happy. I walked with her and she walked really slowly to the cars and talked really slowly, but the closer we got to the cars the worst I felt. The way that she was talking and the situation...I suspected that she wanted me to ask her again. I just wanted to get out of there. She commented on something in my car window and was properly lingering...but I just closed the situation down and left.

I am still know that she flaked...and that I (and most people) would consider the way that she dealt with the whole thing rude and disrespectful. It is an interesting situation having to be face to face with someone who rejected you. Like character building, so I think that I will be okay at work.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Brapting

April 4, 2016

I'm not the most knowledgeable guy on these matters, but one thing i see clear as day. A relationship between you and her will simply never happen, for multiple reasons. If all the stars aligned and she agreed to a relationship, it just wouldn't last. She's just not the type for you. What you need is a kind and caring girl.

April 9, 2016

Stop being so negative. You can't expect to gain game over night by hitting on a few ladies with a buddy for a couple of nights. It takes trying, over and over again, with a positive attitude. There is no magic pill, quote or action from someone else that is going to help you. You need to rely on you to push forward, and be determined to change, and not be a scared virgin that constantly talks himself out of situations. BTW To answer your post back in December, I wasn't nervous about my first time...I wanted it to happen, I was excited to take my dating life to the next level (at 15). It wasn't a big deal to me. You want things to be easier, you have to look at it as not a big deal... stop the over thinking, it's time. You have been at this for 4 months now....enough talk, lets see some action.

Edited April 9, 2016 by smackie9

April 9, 2016

Stop being so negative. You can't expect to gain game over night by hitting on a few ladies with a buddy for a couple of nights. It takes trying, over and over again, with a positive attitude. There is no magic pill, quote or action from someone else that is going to help you. You need to rely on you to push forward, and be determined to change, and not be a scared virgin that constantly talks himself out of situations. BTW To answer your post back in December, I wasn't nervous about my first time...I wanted it to happen, I was excited to take my dating life to the next level (at 15). It wasn't a big deal to me. You want things to be easier, you have to look at it as not a big deal... stop the over thinking, it's time. You have been at this for 4 months now....enough talk, lets see some action.

Game is valued to many much more than substance and that is such a shame.

April 9, 2016

Continue with the "friendly" disinterest, you now seem to have her attention.

I am not saying she will eventually go out with you, but it seems you have gained some of her respect here and that can only be good as you have to work with her every day.

April 9, 2016

Game is valued to many much more than substance and that is such a shame.

I completely agree with this. She has mentioned things to me before like she doesn't like hugging or affection, that she would prefer her partner to sleep in a separate bed and that she doesn't think love exists. The way that she talks and acts...seems like everything is superficial and nothing is ever intimate. Like she has a wall up and she is terrified of letting anyone in. Personally I think that it is fairly depressing that someone could live their life like this...as if 'game' is their only window into romance.

I am rapidly losing attraction to her. I don't particularly dislike her now. She is just someone that exists in my vicinity.

April 9, 2016

A couple of days ago I messaged her an called her out on what happened. Once again this mainly for my own benefit to get some clarity given what had happened. To the lay person, I may have come across as needy or desperate, but I don't really care by this point.

I messaged her, simply with her name. She replied with 'what?'. It took me a while to think of what I was trying to say and she kept frantically messaging me saying 'what?...what?...you always do this!...are you winding me up?' I said it was hard because I didn't want to 'make things weird'. She said 'ok', then I said 'you flaking me Saturday, was that a hint or are you still up for going to the movies? I would rather just know'. She then said 'hint for what?? I have no idea what the hell u are on about'. I said 'forget I said anything'.

After a bit more back and forth, I said 'look I think you are a pretty cool and lovely person', to which she was grateful.

I did show some vulnerability and I kind of know how she views me now, so atleast I can move on.

April 9, 2016

You have been at this for 4 months now....enough talk, lets see some action.

This is action for me. Considering my past situation and circumstances.

Considering that 3 years ago I was suicidal, with no job, living with my parents and using drugs everyday, I have given up drugs for good and I have found a job. Since starting this post I have found my own flat and moved out and approached women for the first time in my life.

I find it interesting that you acknowledge that change requires sustained effort and progress...yet you are permanently dissatisfied with (and oblivious to) any gains that I have made. You strike me as wanting to win an argument, rather than encouraging and helping me. But hay, please do label me as a virgin again. I am sure that it will make you feel really righteous and enlightened.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Brapting

April 9, 2016

A couple of days ago I messaged her an called her out on what happened. Once again this mainly for my own benefit to get some clarity given what had happened. To the lay person, I may have come across as needy or desperate, but I don't really care by this point.

I messaged her, simply with her name. She replied with 'what?'. It took me a while to think of what I was trying to say and she kept frantically messaging me saying 'what?...what?...you always do this!...are you winding me up?' I said it was hard because I didn't want to 'make things weird'. She said 'ok', then I said 'you flaking me Saturday, was that a hint or are you still up for going to the movies? I would rather just know'. She then said 'hint for what?? I have no idea what the hell u are on about'. I said 'forget I said anything'.

After a bit more back and forth, I said 'look I think you are a pretty cool and lovely person', to which she was grateful.

I did show some vulnerability and I kind of know how she views me now, so atleast I can move on.

You are still doing nothing.

What is with all that back and forth texting and not even getting to the point.

Whether it is this girl or the next man up and be direct.

You ask for a date, then go straight to what day, then what activity, then what time do I pick her up.

Then you never confirm is the date still on. Never ever.

You show up 10 minutes early to pick her up. Be your self on the date.

April 9, 2016

Halfway through I was wondering what on EARTH you could possibly see in this woman as dating material?!? .

My guess is she is the only material.

In his mind anyway. Or social circle or lack of a social circle or hermit life style.

April 9, 2016

You are still doing nothing.

What is with all that back and forth texting and not even getting to the point.

Whether it is this girl or the next man up and be direct.

You ask for a date, then go straight to what day, then what activity, then what time do I pick her up.

Then you never confirm is the date still on. Never ever.

You show up 10 minutes early to pick her up. Be your self on the date.

Did you not read my posts? I messaged her saying that I wanted to see a film and if she wanted to come with. She said yes. I messaged her the film time and place and said I would pick her up. She said that she couldn't 'do tonight'.

Is that not action?

April 9, 2016

My guess is she is the only material.

In his mind anyway. Or social circle or lack of a social circle or hermit life style.

You know you can talk to me. You don't have to refer to me in the third person.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Brapting

April 9, 2016

You've spent four months circling a girl who's shown zero interest. She ignores you altogether, mocks you or toys with you and you inexplicably keep coming back for more. It's only "action" in the same way that a guy running headfirst into a brick wall is "moving".

April 9, 2016

You've spent four months circling a girl who's shown zero interest. She ignores you altogether, mocks you or toys with you and you inexplicably keep coming back for more. It's only "action" in the same way that a guy running headfirst into a brick wall is "moving".

I asked her to hangout. Is that not action?

How does a woman show interest?

April 9, 2016

I asked her to hangout. Is that not action?

How does a woman show interest?

Action to no meaningful end is not really action. Lifting 5 pound dumbbells once a week isn't going to get you anywhere any more than pursuing a girl who doesn't like you will.

Someone who is interested actually spends time with you. They contact you, talk to you, care about you, and want to be with you. They definitely don't flake on you at the last minute and make fun of you with their coworkers. If you have to ask if someone is interested...they're not.

April 9, 2016

So imagining that I had not asked her out. If someone asked her if I was 'interested' in her in that way...do you think that she would say that I was? I doubt it...yet I am.

I have had two women I 'know' message me in the past and express their 'like' for me...both times I had no idea that they were interested...but they were.

So much for interest being black and white obvious.

Have you heard of flirtatious teasing and even '**** tests'...both are fairly negative 'signs' on the face of it...yet indicative of female interest.

I didn't know whether she was interested or not...which is why I asked her out on a date, to gauge her interest and intention. "Oh my god! What an idiot, he asked her out on a date!!!"...this is not some crazy unconventional thing...it is generally what people do.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Brapting

April 9, 2016

I think I am done with this forum.

I initially came here looking for help, advice and support. I honestly thought that I would find a caring and encouraging group of people. Instead I seem to keep running into the same critical and labelling responses. Someone mentioned that I stop being negative and be more positive (something which I agree with)...I would ask how some of the comments I have received on here are supposed to help me achieve this attitude. It feels like most posters just want to express an opinion, judge and generalize 'me' or win an argument that doesn't even exist.

I feel as though I have steadily made gains after starting this thread and it is quickly becoming apparent that the vast majority of posts are doing more harm than good.

Thanks to everyone.

Bye

Edited April 9, 2016 by Brapting

April 9, 2016

This thread closed. If the OP would like it reopened, you may request that by alerting on this post ~Thank you

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Terrified...but I am going to give this a go

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